Amazing Asset

Is there anyone alive out there, can anyone hear me?!

Let me first say, I have genuinely missed you ALL.

Alright perhaps not the most cheerful way to open up a post, but I thought this line from Titanic fit the bill for a way over-due greeting. Seriously though, I’m not sure if anyone is even reading my blog or comes to the site as I have not updated in over a MONTH. Yikes, the longest time I have gone in the past 2 and some-odd years of not posting. There is an explanation behind my disappearance, not that I necessarily feel like I must explain myself, but I do want to fill in anyone who cares to read in these here parts again

Hey soooo yes.. I dropped off the face of the earth, errr blog land. I feel it’s a bit odd to say that I am sorry for this because blogging is a hobby, something I am choosing to do when I have the time, means and effort to do so.

However, what I do want to apologize for is not checking in at all, completely falling off the radar and I feel I ought to have put up some kind of post saying I’ll be MIA for a bit. Plus I left off on that rather depressing message following the Boston Marathon bombings, which were just a bit over a month ago.

On that note though, I never really planned to take yet another break from blogging, it just sort of happened and for a number of various reasons. I’m not going to go into all of them right now, but I’m sure you can guess what a major contributing factor was… good old nursing school aka the near death of me.

School taking over my life on top of getting suddenly pissed off with so many aspects of the “healthy” living blog world, my own anger and fears around my relentless fatigue (and therefore the inability to properly exercise), my constant irritability about everything it seemed… Something else too, feeling dishonest every time I was blogging, even just those few times per month I was able to do so.

There were plenty of posts I alluded to my mounting stress, how “tough” things were for me, how the eating issues were rearing their ugly heads again, yet I was not going into the extent of such things.

Of course though (and I have said this before), no one is forcing me to write every grain of truth about my life. Yet Amazing Asset has become the very place that I DO say any thing I please to in order to “let it out” and receive the feed back and support that has aided me during these last two years. And just about one month ago, though the many months before that as well, I felt dishonest and truly fake (weee oxymoron!) as I typed and published each and every one of my posts. The extent to my own true thoughts and feelings were what was being hidden.

From the very beginning, my blog has become the place I write down and record my constant struggle of finding that healthy balance… aka re-discovering true LIFE as I do my best to heal from the eating-related illness that has stolen so much from me.

I was blunt and honest when talking about the struggles and triumphs I faced while dealing with a rather serious eating disorder during my college years, a time that should be the “BEST EVAAA” but one I sincerely missed out on. Was this due to my own interests and changes in personality? Maybe. Really though? An illness that has become a part of my identity has been a significant influence in how my life has played out.

I feel myself rambling here and am trying to make a point so if you have read this far, I appreciate that

There was a time not too long ago, that I was making the positive changes to gain (no pun intended) my life back and get as far away from the sickness as possible. In all honesty though, and this is why I am writing about all of this today, I have taken steps backwards, fell of a semi-high cliff into cold water if you will. It has been during this last school year that those “eating disorder thoughts” have made their presence very well known.

Allow me to say now that I am not crazy underweight or physically compromised, it’s not really about that. My MIND is the main concern right now, how my mind cannot seem to escape the constant temptation to eat less food, isolate more, preoccupy any all free time with eating disorder related ANYTHING. The anxiety around meals, never ever feeling my body is enough, my self-worth and how others view me is primarily appearance based… or that maybe, I am enough and am in fact doing the best I can.<— Nahhh, can’t be true.

It has been the THOUGHTS that are the true evidence of my lack of progression…. and admittedly a certain degree of weight loss, that has done absolutely nothing for me other than escalate the obsessiveness around that of which I have worked hard to get away from.

I shall say it again, all of this I have alluded to here and there but never able to reveal my true thoughts and feelings. I was/am embarrassed that in a way I “let” this get the better of me, although temporarily, once again. I also feel as though I’m not allowed or not supposed to get worse and show my weakness because for the past whatever years I have been supposedly actively “recovering.”

Really though if this were indeed the case, if I had put all my efforts in as I claimed I was or would be doing… well I wouldn’t be rambling on about this now. Alright working on making this come together.

I took a step back from blogging because I felt like a fraud. I found myself writing for what I thought other people wanted to read, rather than what I actually desired to open up about. Rules and regulations around blogging made up in my own crazy mind were now controlling a hobby I used to love.

Every post has to be long and wordy. I must make a ground-breaking point, experience self-discoveries, and learn some sort of lesson, anytime I hit that publish button. I need to make sure I change topics, formats, and ideas each and everyday, to keep things interesting and not disappoint anyone reading this.

Rules, regulations, and restrictions. I have had just about enough of those words in my everyday life and now that it was fitting nicely into my special place of blogging? Oh no no no, hence the fun being sucked out of writing. Again, I was writing for everyone else, what I “thought” a reader who stumbled over here would want to read (and not interested in anything else), that meeting these and others expectations was now the main goal.

I don’t think I need to say here that such rules, regulations and restrictions are made up in my own delusional head… sounds familiar eh? How about with every aspect of my life regarding food, my weight, and exercising? Joyous. Actually no, exactly the opposite. Blogging was becoming the ultimate chore.

Plus all of the other shit seen around these parts, growing increasingly worse each and everyday if you ask me, is driving me BONKERS. Though, that is most definitely a venting post for another day. Nothing too brand-spankin-new on that topic, so maybe it’s the usual things I see now that are annoying the crap out of me more than ever.

Did I even make sense here? It’s possible, although before attempting to write this down, I sensed it flowing much better than what I am reading back to myself now. Ahhh well, it shall suffice because I am writing for MYSELF, no longer under those fake rules.

I do want to continue blogging, but the fakeness on my part is going to stop. Pretending everything is butterflies and rainbows is not going to happen because well, it’s just not true. Besides the eating-related junk, nursing school has shaken me to the core and I am in the midst of fighting my way back into the program after my grade fell under the 74.5 I needed by .11 points. Soooo more on that tomorrow after I meet with the president of the program, wish me luck, I’m certainly going to need it.

Too many thoughts thrown into one post… but so much of this has been in my head for quite some time now. I feel like there is even more to say but will stop for now. It’s getting late and while I should go to bed, I feel compelled to watch another episode of Homeland (holy crap where has this show been all of my life?!)

-While I have checked in to my reader here and there, I have definitely missed out on so much going on with you all! Tell me anything new and interesting in your life! I need updates fo sho.

-What kind of rules, regulations and restrictions have you made up for yourself? Outside the scope of eating/meal times/certain food choices that is…. I already have countless ones of those come and go.

-Have you ever found yourself faking/pretending in such a way, that it became too burdensome or joyous to do so? For me, talking about blogging here.

-Fun question, what is a show or book you are loving or is worth mentioning? Now that school is over, I have free time like woah.

More updates coming soon and for anyone that has happen to come back to ole Amazing Asset, thank yeee

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