Embracing The Connection…

…between my mood and my feelings towards myself.

Everyone that is alive experiences both good and bad days, such is a part of life. There are going to be days when you wake up, ready to take on all necessary tasks and requests, prepared for whatever challenges are ahead of you, and in the right mindset to have a positive attitude no matter what. Those are the days that make life worth living, not the ones where you are sad, angry, depressed, upset for whatever reason. It is the good days that keep us all going, and when a few bad one are mixed in, it may seem unbearable at first, but finding ways to get through it is the key to arising from your own despair.

Lately I have made so many positive changes, small steps that have slowly added up and have allowed me to simply feel better. It’s hard to describe how differently I have felt during certain times, but it’s almost like a weight has been lifted off of my body and I am able to enjoy things that everyone else thrives for.

However, I have to recognize that all days are not going to be fantastic, and old thoughts and routines are continuously lurking below the surface, ready to make an appearance whenever I let my guard down. Today, I am in a funk, a “blah” mood, I am a poop in the pants, aka I am in a bad mood. I am not necessarily angry but more sad than anything, yet it’s hard to understand why exactly.

My day started off perfectly fine. I woke up early to attend a boot camp style workout with a group of people who I regularly workout with. I am actually doing an internship with the coordinators of the program this summer, but more on that later I returned home, around 7:45 am, blogged a bit, started to get really tired and was pumped to go back to sleep. I had not yet eaten anything after the workout and knew that I ought to have something for recovery. And this is where the evil, conniving, irrational thoughts began to circulate through my mind. Even though I was hungry, if I fell asleep now, I would not eat until I woke up which would most likely be several hours from then, ha! Therefore I would be saving calories and I would feel in control!

Thankfully I was able to identify the dumb thoughts, and I ate some breakfast then fall asleep. Phew, crisis averted, for now. I woke up from my nap, ready to clean and prep the house because my brother and grandma are visiting for the week. Alright nice, got through that just fine, and yet I could feel a subtle nagging of irrational thoughts, ready to make an appearance. When I sat down for lunch, I suddenly felt as if my clothes were too small and had shrunk. My jeans were too tight, my stomach was a bit blubbery, and my face seemed rounder. I now realize that none of this is really true, and I have not gained an incredible amount of weight. My bad, depressed, craptastic mood is making me feel fat.

With most eating related issues such as anorexia, bulimia, binge eating, exercise bulimia, and other disordered eating patterns, there are usually underlying issues that are causing these to occur. The eating disorder is the symptom of the problem, not the problem itself. Yes I am petrified of gaining weight and seeming “fat” to the outside world, yet this behavior is a result of something else going on with me. I have been working through what these could be with the woman I see weekly, and we have found potential links in my past that might have triggered my unhealthy relationship towards food.

My understanding of my disordered eating began in August of last year and my recovery process has only improved since then. As time has gone on, I am better at recognizing certain things that trigger the irrational beliefs to come flowing back into my brain. When I am scared, nervous, dubious, and feeling confused for whatever reason, it is so easy to turn back to what is familiar to me– my control over what I eat and how my body looks. It may seem like everything else in my life is too hard to deal with or think about, but I can decide what goes into my mouth, how much exercise I want to do, and no one can take that away from me.

My eating issues are resurfacing today because I am so unsure of what I am doing after I graduate. It seems that everyone around me is involved in the best paid internships of their choice, or they have a job which will hire them after they graduate, or they are volunteering for somethign they love. I talked to a few friends today and they shared their plans for the summer-  an exclusive internship, job, whatever.

I know that I have a passion for healthy nutrition, food, exercise, and treating your body the best way you can. (Yes, this seems a bit ironic for how I treat myself now, but I am recovering of course ) I love thinking, talking, participating in anything food and fitness related… yet I have no freakin idea what I am doing after college. And guess what, I graduate in a year…with pretty much zero plans for after. I have tried the dietetic thing, maybe personal training? I understand I have time to figure this out and there are peeople like me that have no idea, but it still scares the hell out of me.

How I deal with this is going back to what I am good at, restricting, controlling, exercising to the point of exhaustion. I am nervous for my future and therefore I take it out on myself by critiquing every body part and feeling “fat” overall. To someone that has never experienced this, that probably doesn’t make much sense, although it might! People that are obese might turn to food for comfort by stuffing themselves to make the bad feeling go away. I am using food as coping mechanism as well, just in a different way.

I am able to recognize all of this because I have come so far in my recovery from disordered eating. I can now see the connection between a bad mood and a feeling of being fat. Well actually there is no real connection, but it is the one I have turned to over and over again to make myself feel better. And yet, obviously these unhealthy habits only make things worse and eventually allow my life to become so enclosed and sheltered.

Once I understood this negative connection, I did my best to put my feelings toward my body and food aside, and focus on what is really concerning me. I have time to figure out my plans for the rest of my life, and have to remember that I have been taking the initiative to figure this out. I have to keep reminding myself to just do the best that you can, and I believe you will eventually be rewarded.

Does anyone feel differently about their body when they are in either a sad or happy mood?

What are your coping mechanisms for dealing with tough situations or trying to figure certain things out?

Tagged as: College, depression, Disordered Eating, Mind and Body Connection, Recovery