I hope I don’t sound like a broken record when I say this, but the support and exceptional comments I get from the blogging community, continues to amaze me! I am beyond thankful for this community and am glad to be a part of it.
Okay enough with the mushy stuff (I’m sorry but I do love you guys )! Before getting into the meaning behind the title of this post, I wanted to share a recipe with you I just whipped together for my mom to take to work! Like countless others, I love to bake but since it is summer and most people are trying to be “good” during the warmer months aka eat healthier and exercise more, I decided to develop a lower fat recipe of an ever-popular dessert: Cheesecake! Not just any cheesecake though:
Lemon Blueberry Cream Cheese Bars(When I bake treats for my mom and her co-workers, I try to make more convenient options-cookies, bars, small cupcakes- because they are easier to grab on the go in her fast paced work environment. She’s a nurse if ya didn’t know!)
I adapted it from this recipe and and subbed in healthier ingredients
For the base:
- 2 tablespoons sugar
- 1/8 teaspoon ground cinnamon
- 9 low-fat graham crackers
- 1/2 cup plain non-fat yogurt
For the filling:
- 16 ounces low-fat cream cheese, room temperature
- 3 egg whites
- 2 lemons, zested and juiced
- About 1/2 cup sugar (or splenda)
- 1 1/2 cups fresh blueberries
- Powdered sugar, for dusting
Preheat oven to 325 degrees F.
For the base:
Place parchment paper over the top, pressing down at the corners. In a food processor, process the sugar, cinnamon and graham crackers until you have the texture of bread crumbs. Add the yogurt and pulse a couple of times to fully incorporate. Pour into the lined baking pan and gently pat down with the base of a glass. Bake in the oven for 12 minutes until golden. When done set aside to cool.
For the filling:
Add cream cheese, egg whites, lemon zest, lemon juice and sugar to the food processor and mix until well combined. It should have a smooth consistency. Pour onto the cooled base and then cover with blueberries. They will sink slightly but should still be half exposed — as the cake bakes they will sink a little more and break down.
Bake in the oven for 35 minutes or until the center only slightly jiggles. Remove from the oven and cool completely before refrigerating for at least 3 hours. Once set, remove from pan using the parchment lining and slice into 10 rectangular bars. Dust with powdered sugar.
Although I did not get a chance to try them, I was told they were tasty and refreshing! The lemon and blueberry flavors worked very well together, and the creamy inside was spot on. I would suggest to let them cool as long as you can though, they were a tad runny when they were cut, but still good
So on Friday and yesterday, I talked about taking a chance and the benefits I have gained from this. I can officially say that I have a boyfriend, which is something I have not been able to, or really wanted to say, for a few years now. It is going to take some adjustment to spend time with someone, rather than constantly be alone, how I have preferred it for such a long time now. Although I do love my routine and being able to do what I want and when I want to, at the same time, I envy couples I see, simply enjoying the day together, or those on the blogs I read. Even other people’s sites that have disordered eating issues make it work with the special person in their life, and I am at the point where I want to share memories with someone too.
Some people did say something that definitely got me thinking:
Amanda (love this girl, she helps me out on a daily basis), from the comment section:
Eee! Girlie, I’m so excited for you! Congratulations! You’re truly an inspiration I’ve pretty much healed my negative relationship with food, but I’m still working on picking up the pieces of my life and trying to get back out there after isolating myself for so long. It’s not that easy. Like, I’ve gotten so used to my routine, and my solitude, that it’s hard to get back to life “out there”, and with other people on top of that. I haven’t had a serious relationship since my ED started, and although I do get lonely sometimes, I realize I’ve still got some work to do on myself before I can really commit to someone else. Getting there, though
I then read a post this morning from Melissa (check out her blog NOW if you haven’t, I love this lady ) and here is a part of it:
It’s not that I’m anti-man or even really a feminist. It’s just that I can identify with what Ashley is going through, and I have the perspective now to know that I am never going to be happy in any relationship until I am happy on my own. Once that piece settles in to place, I’ll be ready for the rest. But until then, I’m finding inspiration in other strong, independent women.
I can completely agree and understand what both of them are saying, you have to love yourself before you can love someone else. Of course this makes sense, how can you develop feelings for someone if you are always putting up a front and pretending to be happy or secure when you are not? I don’t believe it’s possible, unless you are ready to fake it the rest of your life… not a fun scenario if you ask me.
Now that I can consider myself to be in a relationship and am starting to develop strong feelings for this person, well… how can this really be happening? I mean although I am recovering and have taken major steps in a positive direction, I still am not 100% comfortable with my body, I continue to struggle with disordered eating on a daily basis, I feel “fat” often, something is not quite right about me each and everyday… I do not yet love myself.
And yet, I am open to sharing my time and life with someone at this point. Yes, I do not love myself, but it really helps to have someone that likes and appreciates you, flaws and all. During this past short weekend, I felt more secure in my own body then I have felt in a long time, because this guy I was with didn’t really care if my once-favorite small jeans no longer fit, or shorts from last year are a bit too snug. He looks past the fact that I have a bit more a tummy now, and I’m sure he would not think being able to see my chest bones to be too sexy. This guy is liking me for the personality I have and the much healthier body I have now, and the fact that I can branch from my routine once in awhile, and don’t live life in such a scheduled routine.
I understand that during this healing process, self-discovery and making improvements/changes when you are ready to is the most important aspect, but having someone like me (“flaws” and all) really enables me to understand so much more. Perhaps I sound a bit shallow in this post, but I honestly feel better about myself after this weekend, because there is someone that seems to want to be around “fat,” kinda lumpy, too-tall me.
For too long now, I have been feeling that I am never doing enough, and not good enough for someone else… why would anyone want to be with someone like me? Well apparantly there is and it feels fabulous. I still need to continue trying to love myself, but if there is someone along the way helping me out, well that is fine with me
How do you try to love yourself?
Do you think you need to love yourself before developing relationships for someone else?
Do you think it’s an individual process, or could people that love you help out too?