A Wonderful Weekend! However…

by tessa8m on June 27, 2011

in Awesome Bloggers,Breakfast,Cross Country,Disorded Thoughts,Weekend Recap

Before I start, check out my guest post over at Jenny’s Blog- Fitness, Health and Food :D

At this moment I am a bit frustrated, but I feel I need to add a small disclaimer to this post! But let’s not jump right into the negative stuff, I want to rewind a bit first :)

*I am sorry to say that I am a terrible blogger and took practically zero pictures this weekend! I had my camera with me most of the time, but I just kept not wanting to be bothered with rummaging through my bag searching for the camera, asking someone to take a picture, or always trying to find something to photograph… you get the idea. Sometimes you are just not in the mood!

By Friday afternoon, the bf had arrived and we started our weekend together! Since it was already pretty late in the day, we started to prep dinner soon after his arrival. On the menu- baked chicken with roasted sweet potatoes and steamed asparagus. It was a nice and simple dinner, easy to prepare, but also met my healthy standards.

I used this recipe for the chicken breast:

Baked Honey Mustard Chicken

Ingredients

  • 4 skinless, boneless chicken breast halves
  • salt and pepper to taste
  • 1/3 cup honey
  • 1/3 cup Dijon mustard
  • 1 teaspoon paprika

Directions

  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
  2. Sprinkle chicken breasts with salt and pepper to taste, and place in a lightly greased 9×13 inch baking dish. In a small bowl, combine the honey, mustard, and paprika. Mix well. Pour 1/2 of this mixture over the chicken, and brush to cover.
  3. Bake in the preheated oven for 30 minutes. Turn chicken pieces over and brush with the remaining 1/2 of the honey mustard mixture. Bake for an additional 10 to 15 minutes, or until chicken is no longer pink and juices run clear. Let cool 10 minutes before serving.

I loved the taste of this chicken- not too spicy, but with a small kick and a great sweet taste to compliment the chicken. Sweeter marinades like this are most definitely my favorite way to prepare meats. I am obsessed with the honey mustard flavor and it tastes so darn good on chicken, and salmon too! For the sweet potatoes, I simply cubed them and brushed the pieces with olive oil and salt and pepper and the asparagus was steamed with some salt.I know this meal is not groundbreaking by any means, but I was so pleased with the balance of flavors and it left me satisfied all night.

After dinner and some beautifying, we made our way to a local bar in town. Now I knew already knew this going in, but this is the kind of place where you will most likely see practically everyone you went to high school with… a majority of them being people you would be perfectly fine with never seeing again! And boy was I correct. I saw about fifty people from my grade and tons of them were former friends of mine back in high school.

I have mentioned this before (and in my “About Me” page) but I used to have a fabulous group of friends my senior year, who really enabled me to have the best time of my life so far. unfortunately when i came very caught up in my disordered eating, I slowly but surely was pushed out of this group- it being both their faults and mine. So having not seen them or talked to them in over a year now, it was rather delightful for me to introduce my new guy to them and show how far I have come in recovery.

The next morning we woke up at a pretty early hour, eager to spend as much time together as possible. We took our time getting ready and having breakfast together, while chatting about what we would be doing the rest of the day. This is where the first “however” comes into play. Even after all of this time, and the efforts I have been toward cementing healthier habits, mornings remain to be challenging for me. Although I have improved so so much, I still feel the rather compulsive need to wake up and work out, and then eat breakfast… and also “save” my calories my not eating in the morning. Back in the much darker period of my disordered eating, every.single.day I would wake up, do some sort of physical activity, whether it be a run, gym session, strength training, fast walk, etc, come back and then eventually have “breakfast” (an apple usually) when I no longer could take the gnawing hunger. I would consistently workout with zero food in my body, as a sick method of losing weight and feeling in control of my body.

Things have gotten so much better, but are not 100% yet. I am having a difficult time with the mentality that I haven’t really started my day until I have exercised. It’s like I need to burn calories to be “rewarded” with breakfast. I find it so hard to be comfortable with waking up, having a normal-sized breakfast, then doing whatever fitness that day. Rest days are even more challenging as my irrational mind does not seem to be alright with eating the same way I do everyday, minus the extreme amount of exercise and calorie burn I am used to. I am finally getting that rest days are absolutely essential for your body, but that sure as heck doesn’t mean I am a somewhat of a crazy female on those days… my mind littered with the same old relentless “I’m fat/gaining weight” thoughts.

Back to Saturday, we did actually plan on doing a workout together later that morning and he helped to remind me that fueling before is another essential and normal part of being physically active. So I had my current favorite breakfast item: cereal/yogurt/milk/fruit delicious combo mess. This idea was brought to my attention by the lovely Lindsey from Cardio Pizza, and her method for making the perfect cereal! It is the new love of my life :)

Step 1- Add your choice of fruit


Step 2 and 3: Put yogurt of choice over berries followed by your favorite cereal. In this case I used 1/2 cup Kashi Go Lean and 1/4 cup Go Lean Crunch and then mixed these ingredients all up.

Step 3: Once mixed, I poured almond milk in the bowl for more liquid and to loosen things up. I also added several dashes of cinnamon and a tablespoon of milled flax seed for taste and nutrition!

Perfect :)

So with that kind of balanced breakfast in me, I felt energized and ready for the workout… as opposed to how I used to feel- zero energy oh and crazy hungry. I am so happy that the bf is into fitness and health too, more specifically CrossFit. Ever heard of this? Well it’s rather insane what people are capable of doing and the types of workouts that are available. If you want to learn more, visit their site because I don’t want explain it incorrectly :)

We agreed to do a CrossFit workout today, but one that I was capable of as running was a major part of it. We drove to a nearby track and did the following for 5 rounds:

  • 8-15 burpees (I started at 8, him 15)
  • Run 400 meters (once around the track)

This is supposed to be done as fast as you can, but of course attempting not to blow all of your energy in the first round. With a warm up, the five rounds, and a cool down, the whole workout took us about 45 minutes. The time was a bit shorter than I am used to, but you are exerting yourself so much in a smaller period of time, therefore still having a very effective workout. I had maintained the belief for several years now, that anything less than 7o minutes of physical exercise was not enough, yay for my exercise addiction... I am terrible at burpees so those whooped me, but I felt great on the running portions! I do believe a lot of that had to do with fueling properly before… it’s so crazy how much better your body functions when you eat, I think I am starting to like this whole “correct fueling” business ;-)

Once that was all done, I felt much better and psyched to spend the rest of the day together. I showed him the town, went to a wine tasting (kind of a fail experience though, as neither of us like wine at all haha) and other nice things.

Cloudy shot of Marblehead Harbor

Ermm cute? ;-) I was getting rather sick of the craptastic weather we were having all weekend!

Later that night we went out again and well to be frank, I drank too much! Of course the drinking led to the all too familiar “drunkies,” I felt like doom waking up, oh and ridden with guilt.

So here is another indication of my title, it was great to act “normal,” go out to a bar, drink, enjoy my youth, mingle with others, eat extra food for one, get next to no amount of sleep, and feel like someone hit your head with a heavy object the next morning. However, the disordered thoughts were subtly lurking in the back of my mind, ready to come out in full force as the day progressed. I felt guilt from drinking putting empty calories that alcohol is into my body, discomfort from eating mindlessly the night before, annoyed with waking up and feeling so tired and sick, and of course, the all too familiar- I will definitely gain weight from all of this- thought process.

I was rather against the whole idea of “recovering” yesterday. On Sunday morning I was guilty of wanting to exercise and work off the “damage” I had done to myself the night before, rather than hang out with my guy… guilty of body checking and feeling for my bloated stomach, when I swore I would stop doing this. Guilty of not wanting to eat any sort of breakfast, or food in general, as another control method to stop the additional pounds I figured were already one with my body. I told those thoughts to pretty much shut the hell up, and they temporarily went away. I was able to rationalize and understand that I had very little time left to spend with this special person and to not ruin the day with my own craziness. And duh, I could get in physical activity later if I really felt compelled to.

Thank goodness I am no longer at the point where this sort of thinking would devastate me. I won’t lie to you that after he left, for the rest of the day I felt uncomfortable in my own skin- attempting to ignore how hungry I actually was and denying myself of proper amounts of food. Another confession here, Sunday’s are normally my rest days, but I just couldn’t fathom the idea of sitting with the “fat” feeling I had… so I went to the gym, and did the stair-master for about an hour. It was a sweat-inducing workout that felt great and eased my mind. However, it allowed me to feel better because I knew I had gotten some kind of physical activity in, and that I was more in control of the weight gain I so strongly believed would happen before my very eyes. I was and still am, using exercise primarily as a weight-control method, rather than a healthy activity. *Must work on this.

Overall, it really was a great weekend and my feelings for him are continuing to grow stronger. The disordered eating and thoughts are no longer the main focus and controller of my life, but they are still there. I continue to battle the irrationality, face my fears, step out of my comfort zone, try something new, eat more, exercise less, gain weight… I am still sticking with this recovery process, no matter how challenging and scary it becomes. There are days that are incredibly hard, where I want to resort back to my old “methods” because they make me feel all safe and cozy. However, I refuse to allow myself to slip back into my own twisted (what I thought was a) controlled world, where I hated everything, everyone, and most of all myself.

On that note, I am going to have some sort of sweet treat to end the night. I am in the mood for something and I am going to do my very best to listen to what my body wants... without a side of guilt, thank you very much!

A few questions for ya’ll!

What is your favorite flavor of a marinade? Do you tend to go sweeter or savory, or does it depend on your mood?

Have you ever heard of Cross Fit? I am starting to get much more into it, and am pretty pumped about it :)

Do you or have you ever felt the “need” to start the day with exercise, or at least get it in at some point to feel as if your day is complete? How have you dealt with rest days?

How do you deal with guilt and stop it from plaguing your mind? I know this is something I need to work on, so I would love to hear any and all suggestions!

Please tell me your favorite part of your past weekend! Any new food finds, recipes, adventures, stories, reunions, weddings, social events, family/friends time?! Anything, please share :D

 

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{ 36 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Laura @ LauraLikesDesign June 27, 2011 at 7:19 am

Ugh, I’m with ya–I had a rough weekend too. Lots of thoughts and body-checking.

I like teriyaki marinades and tend to lean towards the sweeter ones rather than the savory.

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2 tessa8m June 27, 2011 at 10:37 am

We will get through this Laura! It’s okay to have weekend like this, we can move on now :)

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3 Amanda @ . running with spoons . June 27, 2011 at 8:04 am

Awww girl I’m sorry that guilt tried to ruin your weekend, but you’ve been doing so well with challenging yourself and going outside your comfort zone lately, so don’t beat yourself up too much about it. I used to get plagued with guilt a lot, but not so much anymore… I don’t exactly know when the change in mentality came about, but I just kind of realized that there’s so much more to life than exercise and eating right, and that good memories aren’t worth being sacrificed. I do enjoy exercising and like to have it as part of my day, but rest days are good too – our bodies need time to repair so they can come back stronger. You lead a healthy lifestyle, so you deserve to have some fun :D

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4 tessa8m June 27, 2011 at 10:40 am

This is exactly what I needed to read this morning! Thank you for always writing such encouraging and nice comments Amanda :D

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5 Alexandra June 27, 2011 at 8:06 am

That yogurt mess bowl looks SO good! I’m a nut for kashi go lean and crunch, so I have to try this combo asap ;)
I absolutley dread that ‘fat’ feeling. I try to ward it off to the best of my abilities, but MAN it can really be a pest. Same goes for the guilt, it’s like the ED’s last evil stab. Keep up the great fight of listening to what your body wants, you got this!! :D

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6 tessa8m June 27, 2011 at 9:15 pm

Please do, I really can’t stop having this for breakfast!
Those feelings truly do suck, must fight them….!

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7 Katie June 27, 2011 at 8:09 am

Heard of crossfit, but doubtful my body will let me do it! Ugh the guilt, the reason I don’t drink. I definitely have a lot of it. Sometimes I work through it sometimes I go into full blown panic. Glad you are aware though sometimes I think that is the biggest step is just knowing that what you feel is irrational. It’s OK we all mess up *hugs* enjoy the week!

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8 Sarah - Feeeding Brain and Body June 27, 2011 at 8:17 am

Kudos to you for being able to acknowledge the guilt, AND giving it a kick by having a sweet treat which you craved. I feel like guilt is one of the hardest things to ignore, and I’m beginning to realize that’s probably because we shouldn’t ignore it. I think acknowledging the guilt by telling someone or writing about it (like you did) and then putting up a fight with the guilt (like having a treat or taking a rest day even though the guilt is telling you not too) is the only way to eventually reduce guilty feelings.

That’s great the rest of the weekend was enjoyable :)

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9 Lindsay@ In Sweetness and In Health June 27, 2011 at 8:29 am

I’ve never heard of cross-fit…I need to look it up! I’m so glad you got to spend some time with your bf this weekend. Also, good for you for acknowledging your guilt and thoughts- that’s awesome! I think the way that I have learned to deal with guilt from not exercising is from experience. I’ve come to realize that sometimes rest feels better for my body. When I don’t rest – my workouts suffer and they are actually not as productive, it hurts and they feel so much harder than they should. Resting helps rejuvenate me and restores my love for exercise.

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10 tessa8m June 27, 2011 at 9:19 pm

Great reminder Lindsay! My workouts suffer when I don’t rest properly too… I end up feeling like crap all of the time!

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11 Victoria (District Chocoholic) June 27, 2011 at 9:08 am

I think recovery can be especially hard when you are an athlete, because training hard 6 days a week is the norm, and it can be easy to brush off excessive workouts as “athletics.” It’s a huge step that you recognize what you are doing; great work!

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12 tessa8m June 27, 2011 at 9:16 pm

That is a true statement… I used to be quite good at saying my excessive runs and workout schedule was training for xc season

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13 Cait @ Beyond Bananas June 27, 2011 at 9:22 am

To be honest with you – guilt is one of my biggest problems.. the one thing that I still cannot get over (and I don’t know if I ever will). It may be something that I will just have to accept and learn to deal with – rather than giving in to the guilt and do that extra work out or skimp on a food I love.

The biggest thing that I always say to myself.. is that my life style is healthy.. overall. A weekend of bad meals.. a skipped work out.. is NOT going to change that. It is NOT going to pack on the pounds.

Rest – is an important part of staying healthy. It is in recovery that the muscles actually condition – and lean. Without rest, the body really does not make any progress.

Even for me.. I say these things.. but it doesn’t make the guilt go away. It is always a work in progress. always a battle> But I fight the battle because I was tired of putting ALL of my energy into fighting food.. fighting the needs of my body.

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14 tessa8m June 27, 2011 at 9:18 pm

That is exactly what it is coming down to for me, I am tired of constantly fighting against what I know I need. You’re right, both of our lifestyles are overall healthy and one weekend does not equal doom and gloom. I wish I knew how to overcome these feelings too… please let’s work on this

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15 Alaina June 27, 2011 at 12:24 pm

I always think that working out in the morning is more beneficial (for me). I feel like it literally and figuratively “kick-starts” my day. Exercising later on is tough for me. I love my rest days though. When I was training for a marathon, I ran too much and ended up hurting myself. So now, I enjoy my rest days.

I’m glad you had a good weekend!!

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16 tessa8m June 27, 2011 at 9:16 pm

That is a good reminder of how essential rest days are!

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17 Jamie aka "Sometimes Healthy" Girl June 27, 2011 at 1:22 pm

As always, such a heartfelt and honest post. It’s so easy to relate to you, Tessa!

I have always had a bit of an obsession with exercise and at times it was probably considered unhealthy. I think because I wasn’t as busy at work at the time, it was easy for me to disguise it from others. When I was dating my boyfriend of 6 years, he definitely would casually mention the need for me to slow down a bit with the exercise. I now take rest days about once a week, and I don’t really feel that bad! I’m usually so tired that I need it. But at the same time, some days I feel the need to over-exercise and I’m still working on the balance.

The guilt? I think I just tell myself, and I’m sure you do too, that this decision not to exercise will absolutely NOT effect my weight or happiness and remind myself that my body needs rest.

Fave part of the weekend? Laying out on my rooftop AND my latest wacky food combos creations. stay tunnnned ;-)

Glad things are going well with your man!

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18 tessa8m June 27, 2011 at 9:14 pm

The exercise obsession is quite a challenging thing to get over, but taking small steps- such as a rest day once a week, is at least a step towards getting better!
I loved your post on your wacky food combos! They actually weren’t too crazy, as I have made things like that before :)

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19 Mac June 27, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Glad to hear things are going well with your boyfriend! I had lots of highlights for my weekend…10K, boating, mini golf.. very enjoyable :)

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20 Meagan June 27, 2011 at 2:39 pm

I had almost that exact same thing for breakfast except I added 1 tablespoon carob powder (i love carob!). So good! I admire all you people can work out in the mornings – I can’t function until I eat breakfast. It’s pretty much the only reason I get up in the mornings (well that and having to go to work haha). Just wanted to say I really appreciate how open you are about how you are feeling. It’s so refreshing and helps me work through some of the disordered thoughts I have too. I think your blog is going to positively influence so many people’s lives – probably more than you will ever know!

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21 tessa8m June 27, 2011 at 9:12 pm

What a wonderful thing for me to read Meagan! I am honored that my words are able to help you in anyway :D

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22 Ragnhild June 27, 2011 at 4:35 pm

Sweetie- I think you are doing great!
Your weekend sounds wonderful, and Im sure the guilt will have less and less power over time! You are doing so well in telling guilt to just shout up- you go girl:) And if exercise will make you feel better the next day, I think you should do it- at least for now!
I try to do small things that will ease guilt in my life too- like working out. If that will help me relax more about my food, Im all up for it :)
I have mostly been working at the gym this weekend. Im working every other weekend, and these weekends I tend to just relax:) Next weekend, one of my best friends is having her bridal shower, so that will be a lot of fun !
I love that you have your boy friend- he sounds so great!!

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23 tessa8m June 27, 2011 at 9:11 pm

Aww thanks for your sweet words! I agree, I think it will get better over time! Exercising a bit extra from time to time is fine for now, and it really did allow me to calm down and feel better
I am so glad you are relaxing when you can, you deserve to :)

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24 Jenn L @ Peas and Crayons June 27, 2011 at 8:07 pm

oh the drinking calories… I try to forget them much like i’d like to forget the photos, scrapes/bruises, and even the horibble throbbing in my head and tummy… haha. getting “forgetful” over the whole ordeal helps me shrug it off and move forward — hope that helps a little? If I keep going I might write a 5 paragraph comment haha. so i’ll keep it short! <3

fav marinade? lemon juice mixed with store bought pesto brushed over veggies like mushrooms, zucchini, onion, and even pineapple! love it so much!

dealing with guilt is def a mind over matter thing. I certainly felt guilt while I was younger but now I choose not to let it register in my mind. if a meal was really "bad" by societies standars but really good tasting… then it was worth it. and maybe i'll have extra veggies with the next meal for belly filling fiber and yummy nutrients. ok ok rambling!!!!

love you like woah and sorry if this comment made zero sense. i'm so all over the place! mwah!

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25 tessa8m June 27, 2011 at 9:10 pm

This comment made perfect sense! I was able to follow you being all over the place :)
I agree that it is a mind over matter thing… you have to make the choice not to feel guilty, or otherwise you will be consumed by it

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26 Tara June 27, 2011 at 8:14 pm

That sounds really mentally exhausting! I have definitely had my days… I actually am going to be posting in a few days about a recent freak out I had. It was embarassing, but I think it really kicked me back into healthy mode so it may have been a good thing.
I used to struggle so much with rest days. In fact, it’s only clicked in the past month. I officially love rest days, so much that I have been taking up to 2 per week, which is totally unheard of from me. At the same time, I’ve been struggling with going to hard on the days where I do workout, and it has been more calorie-burn motivated than exercise-for-health motivated. It’s so hard to find a balance.
Your posts always resonate so much with me. I absolutely love your blog. There’s a little voice in my head screaming “YES! SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS!” literally every time I read. It really helps me stay on track towards an ED free life, as hard as that may be to achieve.

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27 tessa8m June 27, 2011 at 9:08 pm

I will look for that post coming up, I hope everything is okay Tara!
Finding the balance is so hard, but I can tell you are making the efforts to change… like with taking two rest days! An amazing feat and one I am inspired by.
Thank you for saying that you understand, it really is so helpful to know you are not the only person struggling with these types of mentally exhausting thoughts!

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28 Lindsay@LivingLindsay June 27, 2011 at 10:51 pm

I’m a fan of sweeter marinades, too. I love sweet glazes on salmon especially – so good!! That sounds like a killer workout! I do have a hard time with rest days. I take them because I know it’s important and honestly, I do feel like I need one or two a week. BUT, it my mind, I feel like I have to eat less on those days because I haven’t burned the calories I normally do. And then if we go out to dinner and I eat MORE than I usually do, then I feel bad about taking a rest day. It’s never easy, is it? But I’m glad you had an (overall) nice weekend with your bf. :)

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29 tessa8m June 28, 2011 at 7:59 am

Oh Lindsay, I have certainly fallen into the cycle before too… and it really is never easy! It was a good weekend overall though, and that is what I will remember :)

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30 Tina @ Faith Fitness Fun June 28, 2011 at 6:44 am

I used to have the same problem with waiting to eat after a workout and my day not being able to start until then! It’s all a process. youre tackling these things little by little and that matters. Love the cereal bowl!

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31 Emily@RunningPerspective June 28, 2011 at 8:50 am

girl you should be so so proud of yourself… the fact that you realize what is going through your mind and understanding how you feel rather than lying to yourself is such a big step…
take each experience one at a time and i know you will get better with time!
(i dont know why this posted on another post)

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32 gram June 30, 2011 at 5:09 pm

Hi, my Tessa,
Did you know that your favorite breakfast has been mine for a few years. I don’t use the almond milk ‘tho, the yogurt is enough of a ‘mixer’ I love blueberries, strawberries and a half banana (Pop gets the other half). we are filling time here in N.Y. Not enough activity for me. No golf! boo hoo. We do go to the driving range each morning, and I walk each night. Need to keep active or I feel like a slug! I love and miss you. Have a Happy 4th with all my loves (and your new one). Gram

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33 Becca December 23, 2011 at 12:02 pm

Just found your blog — really cute. I think food/exercise guilt is something that a lot of us deal with. One of the ways I manage it is the 80/20 rule. Follow your health rules/guidelines 80% of the time… the other 20%? Just enjoy your life and don’t worry if you’re not perfect. As long as you can maintain that 80%, it will all be good :)
Becca recently posted..Adult Whipped Cream

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34 tessa8m December 30, 2011 at 7:02 am

I am definitely striving to reach that point Becca :)

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35 Billy February 21, 2012 at 1:23 pm

I also love the combo of blueberry’s and strawberries together.

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36 tessa8m February 21, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Yes indeed, it’s a good one :)

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