Happy Saturday my lovely readers! I am in New York for the weekend, so I am taking a small break from blogging… just from posting though, I am still reading all of your lovely Blogs
Today’s guest post comes from Emily at RunningPerspective! Emily and I have similar stories and we also both can relate a whole lot to what each other say. Weight, disordered eating, lack of confidence, are things we are both working through and the way she talks about her own struggles and her journey is truly amazing. She is also hilarious in a lot of her posts, and well… just great! But don’t just take my word for it, go check out her blog NOW I believe we both can one day achieve a peace with food and our bodies. Certainly it’s a journey, but one we are both willing to continue on Take it away Emily!
Hey guys! i am Emily from runningperspective
First i want to thank Tessa for letting me do a guest post! i love her she is so real and open that she honestly has helped me learn how to be honest with myself. Oh did i mention that she and her bf are like total hotties…yeah go stalk her pictures now…don’t worry ill still be here.
Like I said I am Emily.. and i am in love with running.
Running lets me free my mind, set goals for myself, and develop a self confidence in myself that i never thought i’d ever be able to have. in all reality…running has helped me learn to accept myself for me.
But to be honest with you guys…running was not always this freeing concept for me
Instead…running was a mere way for me to burn calories…for me to control myself in a manner that helped me try to create a person that i thought that everyone would accept and like. I thought that thinner emily = prettier emily=people will like me= i will finally like me.
I am not going to lie…this was a really dark time in my life…i controlled every aspect of what went in my mouth and how many calories i’d burn to keep myself in check.
I counted calories on online sites like there was no tomorrow. i’d enter my food in before i’d eat it to make sure that it was within my calorie range and i would not dare to put a food in my mouth before it went into that computer site…stomach pangs of hunger or not. counting calories ruled my life. i’d measure every food i’d consume…all the way to an exact 2 table spoons of peanutbutter..nothing more, nothing less…measuring spoons went everywhere with me.
Counting calories and watching the amount of calories id burn with each workout ruled my life. not burning over 400 calories at least a day was a sin to me.
If my little polar watch did not read a number i’d like…id push myself harder and harder until it said what i wanted to see.
But what really was the basis of determining how many calories to burn and how many calories to count…was the s. c. a. l. e.
The scale was my identity. it told me how to feel about myself that day. it ruled my life
Whatever the number read…it determined my mood. and almost always i was unhappy. even if it was a number that i liked….i still thought if it dropped one more number id be happier. even the 0.xx numbers killed me…if i saw a .8 that was equivalent to gaining a pound. period. and then id scrutinize what i ate the day before and try to determine what made me gain that .8 pounds?
Ridiculous? yeah i know.
Is this me now? no way.
So how did i do it? how did i escape myself from the scale?
Did it happen in one day? heck no. was it a process? dealt with every single day…and most days i lost to that dreaded measuring device. but one day i realized…that i was not in control of my life …rather the scale told me what to do and how to feel…
One day before stepping on the scale i asked myself…is what i see on this scale going to change how i feel about myself…and therefore influence my mood for the rest of the day? the answer was yes of course it will.
Then i looked in mirror and asked myself…do you like what you see? the answer was no..there is always something that needs to be changed
Then i realized…the constant control of counting my calories and weighing myself still was not creating an image of someone i wanted to see in the mirror….why? because deep inside i was not happy. and how you feel on the inside reflects what you see on the outside. period.
The next day…i trashed the scale. and i deleted the online website from my computer that counted those calories.
Did i eventually step back on a scale if i saw one at my house at home? yes. did i sometimes sneak on that website to see how many calories i ate?yes.
But each day was a new beginning…and each day i got stronger and stronger against the voice telling me to see how much i weighed and how many calories i ate…
That was almost 1 year ago….
Do i know how much i weigh today? no idea… how many calories i ate? heck no.
Am i happy? you better believe it
Do i like what i see in the mirror every day? no i am not going to lie…but who the heck does?
Do i believe in myself and accept myself for who i am? heck yeah i do…and it is the best feeling in the world!
Thanks again Tessa! you are the bestt!!