Taking Too Much Time For Myself

by tessa8m on September 8, 2011

in Serious Stuff,Uncategorized

Great WIAW party yesterday!! So many of your recipes and eats have been bookmarked and saved :)

It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what has prompted me to write this particular post today… I suppose it’s a series of things I have been reading and thinking about lately. Sorry for that vague intro, so let’s get into what has been on my mind! **Note- I want to preface this by saying I might get a bit repetitive…. it was difficult for me to explain what really has been going on.

Now that September is here and the bliss of summer is slowly but surely ebbing away, there is a noticeable trend that people have become more busy, including myself. It completely makes sense, school is starting up again, everyone has responsibilities, jobs, and there is simply not enough time to do everything we want to. Of course, work and other various requirements are on-going and necessary during the summer, but I feel as if there is a more relaxed vibe in this particular season.

I have read on a number of blogs recently how crazy some people’s schedules are and that they are having difficulties finding time for themselves… even if it’s just a few minutes per day. Having moments that are “yours” are essential for staying sane when you are leading a hectic life. What these times of peace entail depends on the person- it could be anything from meditation and yoga, to going for a run or another form of working out, reading a pleasurable book, taking a walk, talking to a friend, and so on. What brings you pleasure is your personal preference and finding that is quite necessary for a fulfilling life… and when you experience them, they are that much more special.

With fall basically at our door steps, work, school, homework, and responsibilities (that are sometimes not so fun) are much more apparent. For me, I not only am juggling 5 classes, an off-campus internship, and my RA job, but I am also working on my resume, making a workout a daily part of my routine, trying to stay social with friends and my staff, and continue my journey toward a peace of mind with my body, food, weight, etc.

I know there are people out there that are way more busy than I am and are still managing to get everything done they need to. Although annoying sometimes, it is quite normal to do “stuff” that is not so fun. What I mean by that is, we all complete requirements, assignments, duties and other responsibilities because we need to more often than we want to. There are times when necessary tasks interrupt our routine, or meetings are scheduled at an inconvenient time, we have to change our schedules around to accommodate others, and so on.

What I am building up to here is that my disordered eating has made me into a very selfish person, someone who takes too much time for herself. I have been controlled by food for several years now, yet the realization and understanding of how much this impacts my life never ceases to amaze me. Food, meals, when it’s time to eat/exercise, weight… these are all aspects that have been a huge factor in how my life has played out and the choices that I make my for myself.

The reason disordered eating has made me selfish, is because the thoughts, rules, deprivations and restrictions that are ever-present, have input on daily aspects and requirements in my daily life.

In the worst times, if some obligation cut into one of my treasured meal times or was something was scheduled at a time where I need to eat, then I would make every effort to get out whatever I needed to do, or change the time. It was simply NOT okay for me to eat at a different time (either later or earlier), or to have some kind of food that I hadn’t approved before hand, to consume my meal in front of others when I had not expected to, or perhaps have to eat in an unfamiliar environment while completing whatever the task was.

No, none of that was okay with me. Because I had placed food on this high “pedestal” than each meal was a special occasion and had to treasured appropriately. I liked to have plenty of time to eat what I wanted and where I requested… either alone or with select company, and I only wanted to be reading or looking at something that was pleasurable for me. The idea of simply grabbing something on the go was unfathomable.. I mean why would I “waste” a meal by quickly downing it and getting on with what I need to do! No, every single thing I ate had to be a occasion, one that was so special and glorious, that it had to be savored.

During the worst times of this illness, aka last summer, I was at the height of my selfishness. I was so caught up in my own routine, food, and workouts, and times to eat, that I was quite unwilling to do anything that tore me away from my schedule. It didn’t necessarily have to be a meal that was interrupted, it really turned into any part of my day being “messed” up by other people’s requests, which bothered me so much. Every single aspect about my life was about, pertaining to, and had something to do with eating and my weight, so it became nearly impossible to do anything that broke away from my insane, controlling schedule.

For example, I felt I “had” to remain at my house until at least 1:30 pm so I would have time to eat my ginormous salad for lunch, but it had to be consumed at home and not earlier than that. Obviously that made arranging any sort of activities or plans rather difficult, as I was rather opposed to eating at a different time, somewhere else, and with other people. When it came to scheduling classes, I would never make them too early in the morning, during lunch, or at night, because these would mess with my schedule.

I can remember one time last summer, my mom asked me to pick up my brother from the airport at 7:00 pm… immediately my mind started to race with anxiety and frustration. How dare she ask me to go anywhere during my precious time for dinner?! I am going to be soo hungry, I simply cannot imagine just eating whatever on the way there! Nope sorry can’t I was errr….asked to babysit! Yes things like that happened quite often… I became incredibly selfish and greatly opposed to do anything beyond what I wanted to…. and it was always because of FOOD.

What I have found though, is that it is simply unrealistic and wrong to have all of this time for yourself, never do anything for anyone else, be unwilling to rearrange your schedule to accommodate other requirements… and again, all because of FOOD and the fear of getting fat. I have seen all over the blog world lately how crazy busy everyone is and how they are struggling to take time for themselves and do what they want to. I have been the opposite for far too long… taking way too much time for myself and making up lies to get out of stuff, or manipulating plans and times for what works for me.

This is one of the major reasons my RA job last year was so tough for me. I would often have to get up in the middle of the night for emergencies, or we had scheduled staff meetings during my “special times” for dinner, or I had to attend programs when I like to eat lunch. This was a job, yet I fought so hard all year against anything that caused issues in my own schedule. I would be so angry at people when they had a meeting at a time that was just no okay with me. I became very unreliable because sticking with my routine was the most essential thing that could happen, and so I made it clear to my staff that I really could never be bothered.

Although this extreme has lessened a bit, I still struggle with being selfish because of my disordered eating. I have planned my schedule this semester so I have plenty of time in the mornings to do finish a workout, shower and eat, I do not have class during my “special” lunchtime, none of my classes go too late… it took a lot of effort to arrange all of this but I did. But just because I have  a schedule like this, does not mean it’s a good thing. Like I said earlier, it is unrealistic to be able to plan my day like this and that is a concept I must get my head around.

All of my issues have the same underlying theme and fear… that if I gain weight, my life will just suck real bad and I will not be able to live with myself. So, I used to make tremendous amounts of effort to always stay within the comfort zone of my routine and was incredibly against ever defying it in any way.

However, that is not life... you cannot plan life out to what you think is perfection no matter how hard you try. Trust me, I know this. Even when I did manage to get everything I wanted, in terms of meal times and other requirements, and I also lost weight, none of this ever made me feel better. perhaps I received an initial sick elation from such control, but in the end, I was being destroyed by my own selfish intentions.

I have missed out on so much- events, clubs, gatherings, groups at school, special occasions, volunteer or job opportunities, meet ups with friends and so on, because of my relationship with food. I was at an activities fair yesterday and with a saddened heart, I realized how many opportunities I have allowed myself to skip, truly believing I was benefiting from such decisions. I really could not have been more wrong. I am a senior in college now, and I feel like a huge part of my youth has been stolen away from me. I have not had the college experience that I had dreamed about…

I am now excited to take time for myself, but also to completely requirements that might interrupt my food choices in some way. These re the kind of small steps that will help me break away from such a routine. Also when I do experience “special Tessa time” it will be that much more rewarding because I would have worked for it, rather than negotiating my life around such things.

The only choice I can make from here is to continue with this recovery and make up for all of those lost times. It is so unfair what this tormenting illness has done to me, both physically and mentally, but I cannot wallow in such thoughts. How about I stop hating my body, stop being afraid of food, stop obsessing about exercise and burning calories, stop fearing what others think of me, stop being so goddamn selfish… and start living a life that I deserve to. One where I do what I want to, but with a sincere willingness to shake things up.

Eating disorders make you selfish. You will do anything to be thin and maintain control with little regard to the requests of others, outside requirements, and the aspects of life that once left you fulfilled and happy.

I hope this made some sort of sense…. sorry about the length, but you know how it can get with me when I talk about this stuff (yay for word vomit!)

How do you enjoy taking time for yourself/ how do you keep yourself busy in such a chaotic time?

Do you sometimes put meals on a “pedestal” and that perhaps making the idea of eating on the go to be an intolerable one?

Can I just ask straight out, what are your thoughts on this? I am still gathering my head around what I am attempting to say!

Thank you for reading, and I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day! Tomorrow is Friday and it’s supposed to be sunny… almost there guys :D

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

{ 34 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Kaitlyn@TheTieDyeFiles September 8, 2011 at 2:18 pm

My “me time” is so incredibly valuable to me. I’m so routine oriented that I, too, get frustrated when something gets in the way. If something comes up and I can’t cook the meal I had planned, can’t eat lunch when I know I get hungry, can’t eat the food I had planned myself, etc. I think mine has more to do with my need to be super organized, but it definitely stemmed from my disordered relationship with food. It’s an ongoing battle for me to say yes to social events despite knowing I’ll have to eat elsewhere, go to bed late, or generally do things I don’t want to do. I’m interested to hear about your journey through this!
Kaitlyn@TheTieDyeFiles recently posted..The Vegan-ing


2 Emily September 8, 2011 at 2:21 pm

Thanks for writing this post. I’m a freshman in college and I feel like this will help be avoid making the saem mistakes you made, and repeating those I made in highschool.

I love routine, and I love having time with my meals, but I’m beginning to learn that its OK sometimes to grab something and go; to wolf it down without soaking up every once of pleasure. Don’t get me wrong, I prefer to eat my meals mindfully and with gusto, so sometimes I change my schedule to accomodate that. For example, instead of making an eating food in the 15 minutes I have, I’ll make the food and eat it an hour later when I have another 15 minutes to savour it.

Food is fun. Food is light. It should never control your life, but rather, be additional pleasure to an already fantastic life.
Emily recently posted..WIAW- Jam Packed University Edition


3 Haley Q September 8, 2011 at 2:35 pm

I think this is the number one thing I regret the most! I was so damn centered around myself and would blow people off and also scheduled my class schedule so that I could eat at the RIGHT time and eat exactly what I felt I needed to. All of these people who have given so much of themselves to me were completely rejected by me because I was so focused on myself all the time. So maybe your “you” time has a bad rap since you used to use it for purely selfish reasons, but turning it into a time where you can truly relax or do whatever you want (instead of it focusing on food) will be so rewarding and make life so much more relaxing!
My workout time is my “me” time and I try to be there for/with others whenever else I can because that’s an hour I have to myself, so why should I devote even more time to myself and compromise other relationships? Either working out, blogging, or reading at Starbucks are what I like to do to stay sane and on top of things!
Enjoy your me time today and make it worth it!
Haley Q recently posted..Sunsets & Mr. Snowman


4 Lindsay@ In Sweetness and In Health September 8, 2011 at 3:25 pm

Great post! And I didn’t think it was hard to understand what you were saying. I try to take time for myself by exercising, blogging, and enjoying mindless entertainment in the form of tv or something else :).
Lindsay@ In Sweetness and In Health recently posted..Walk it Out


5 Jemma @ Celery and Cupcakes September 8, 2011 at 3:33 pm

Awesome post! I think it’s important to grab some me time every now and then otherwise in this very busy and mad world I think we would all go insane! :)
Jemma @ Celery and Cupcakes recently posted..WIAW…Sugar Sugar


6 Rachel September 8, 2011 at 3:38 pm

it’s hard to remember that the things ED makes us do don’t mean we’re selfish. it’s a disease. it’s not really in our control. i know it’s hard not to be so hard on yourself, and i really feel the same way about a lot of this. and it sucks. so freaking much. i can especially relate to what you said about ED stealing your youth away from you. i hate it so much!
Rachel recently posted..rain rain rain


7 sarah@spinach and spice September 8, 2011 at 3:42 pm

As always, I commmmpletely understand you on this one! Even when friends would ask me to hang out, I always thought it was such a bother because it didn’t fit in to my previously scheduled plan of the day. Eventually, people stopped asking me to hang because they knew I’d always have a reason out of it. Like the papers we used to have with our calorie counts of the day on it, I’d have papers mapping out my entire day. Now that I think back on it, it is a truly sickening behavior. I felt the need to control every little thing, and if something got in the way I was NOT a pretty person to be around! This is my first summer without a job, leaving me WAY too much “me time”. Luckily, I spent it trying to recover and help my eating habits, but it also makes me nervous about the future. When I’m back in school, I won’t have all the time in the world to do whatever I wish, and though it sounds dumb it’s making me scared! I feel you 100% on this post girl, and here’s to recovery!

P.s., I just opened my mail and got the Consumer Reports: Shop Smart magazine.. and Nancy Clark is mentioned in it! page 52 about daily water intake :D I immediately thought of you and ran to get my laptop to share :) hehe love ya
sarah@spinach and spice recently posted..He’s baaack.


8 Emma September 8, 2011 at 3:47 pm

Being a control freak about meals is something that still happens to me. I never like to wait too long to eat dinner, and I’d rather no go out to eat unless I know it’s happening way in advance. I’m definitely a planner, not a spur of the moment type girl, and that shows in my eating habits as well.

Sometimes I just have to rein myself in when it’s negatively impacting my life!
Emma recently posted..Thanks to the Dollar Store…


9 CJ @ http://healthy-happy-whole.com/ September 8, 2011 at 3:58 pm

Oh girl, I completely relate as usual! My workouts used to be a very selfish thing for me. I would get up at 4 am, workout until 6, go to work, come home at 430, make dinner for ryan and i, we would eat around 5:30 and I would be passing out on the couch at 8 because i was so exhausted!
Three nights a week he works until 8 so I literally NEVER saw my husband for our first year of marriage. I would never go out with him and our friends. I would NEVER EVER eat in a restuarant with other couples. There were always excuses…”Oh I dont feel well…” “Oh I had a really hard week at wor…” NOPE it was actually because I am so darn tired from my ridiculous running regime that begins hours before the sun comes up!!! So i completely understand and am still trying to work on it!
You are awesome girl, totally an inspiration and you still have time to make up that “lost youth!” xoxoxo
CJ @ http://healthy-happy-whole.com/ recently posted..The Challenge


10 Hollie @lolzthatswim(andrun) September 8, 2011 at 4:23 pm

When I suffered the most from my eating, I barely ate with anyone. Everything was so scheduled that if I didn’t eat at exactly 5:15pm, I would be starving and couldn’t handle it. In my mind at least. I’m glad you are branching out! :)
Hollie @lolzthatswim(andrun) recently posted..Follow me…Follow me


11 Brittany September 8, 2011 at 6:11 pm

I lovee that you got all this out there. I understood you 100% through the entire post, in fact the way in which you worded everything was very eloquent. Although I cannot relate entirely, there was a time in the past year where I did just these things. I became selfish and obsessive with what I ate and when I ate it. Everything had to be the same or my day was ruined. I turned down outings with friends for the same reasons you did. The fact that you are moving forward from this and realizing what you can change is great. Small step are all you need..big leaps are bound for failure. Keep your head up and eyes on the prize because you have come so far!
Brittany recently posted..Homemade Zebra Cake.


12 Amanda @ . running with spoons . September 8, 2011 at 6:18 pm

I can very much relate. People say that college is supposed to be the best years of your life, but for me… they were nothing special, and it’s my own fault. I wouldn’t say that I exactly chose to skip out on doing fun and memorable things, because it wasn’t my choice to get sick with an ED, but every choice I made was driven by fear and an obsession with food. I passed on social gatherings so that I could enjoy my meals to the fullest by myself. I missed out on advancing my education and experience just so that I didn’t have to worry about meal times and packing snacks. It was really stupid now that I look back at it, but hindsight is always 20/20. Still, everything happens for a reason, and while I’m sometimes tempted to regret what I went through with my ED, at the same time I’m grateful for it, because it taught me a lot, and I honestly feel like I’m a more confident and self-aware person coming out of it than I was going in. I definitely need my personal time, but I’m also getting better at accepting that things won’t always go my way, and that’s okay. It’s not always easy, and it’s a constant work in progress, but it’s getting easier with time :)
Amanda @ . running with spoons . recently posted... WIAW … it’s good to be home .


13 B n B September 8, 2011 at 7:07 pm

How’d you get so smart? There’s too much to say here…so I’ll simply say that BINGO – eating disorders are extremely selfish. The person becomes so self-absorbed and the “victim” of everything…trust me, I deal with this from people on a daily basis who are suffering. It’s a hard issue to tackle – but harder to recognize it. You are 10 steps ahead :)
B n B recently posted..Stop Thinking of Yourself. Oh, and Eat Muffins.


14 Alexandra September 8, 2011 at 7:15 pm

Good heavens what an amazing and intuitive post! :) You are so right about ED’s making you selfish, that dumb voice says being thin will give you loads of friends and popularity, but it does just the opposite. Man I never wanna go back to those lonely, creepy days.
During chaos, I like to take “me” time by sitting to watch a favorite show, baking, taking a nature walk, drawing, or reading my Bible. I always try to squeeze some quality me time in everyday no matter what. I honestly think it’s essential to happiness!
And can I just say your progress is amazing? You ROCK! :D
Alexandra recently posted..Sweet Potato Smoothie For Dummies


15 Lauren @ What Lauren Likes September 8, 2011 at 7:17 pm

“Me” time can get really difficult, now that school is work is starting up again for me! I try my best to find little relax spots in my day, everyday. Even if its something little haha! Great post girl :)
Lauren @ What Lauren Likes recently posted..Not my WIAW


16 Anna-Maria (www.pinkbarbells.com) September 8, 2011 at 7:38 pm

once again an AMAZING post girl!! i ve been through exactly the same things! you can not imagine how many times I would skip class, go late to an event or miss it entirely… my whole life was arranged around my meals. Meals were the main event of the day and the rest of my activities were just filling the gaps between meals. I still put meals on a pedestal and don’t really like the idea of eating on the go but I am doing a lot better, last semester I was even eating in class! Right now I am on holiday so I can eat whenever I want. Classes start in 3 weeks and I am actually looking forward to having a more busy schedule. This years goal is to fit meals into my schedule, and not life in between my meals:)
Anna-Maria (www.pinkbarbells.com) recently posted..My very first WIAW!!!!!


17 Rach September 8, 2011 at 8:12 pm

“Eating disorders make you selfish. You will do anything to be thin and maintain control with little regard to the requests of others, outside requirements, and that aspects of life that once left you fulfilled and happy.”

This is so unbelievably true. I didn’t realize this until I was well on my journey of healing, but I wish someone would have told me sooner. I was SO selfish and I didn’t even see it. I forgot to look outside myself and see that the world was still spinning outside of me.
Rach recently posted..A story about a chicken biscuit…


18 tessa8m September 9, 2011 at 7:15 am

Ahh yes, but I am glad we have both realized it by now. Just in time if you ask me


19 Casey @ Pocket Full of Sunshine September 8, 2011 at 8:21 pm

This is a great post. I so completely agree with you. I get wrapped up in everything I’m struggling with and when I remember that I was really forgetting about everyone else completely, I feel so awful. I’m so glad we can all remind each other though—part of why blogs are great!
Casey @ Pocket Full of Sunshine recently posted..Sunset Sail


20 lindsay September 8, 2011 at 9:33 pm

your blog posts never cease to amaze me. This is something everyone has at least thought of before. But I think as we grow older, get married, have children, we realize that life is not about us, its about loving others. Of course we need to love ourselves just as much but loving and serving others helps us feel alive and takes the focus on those thoughts (food, control, etc).

Easier said than done, but worth the effort ya know?
lindsay recently posted..Power of Prayer


21 tessa8m September 9, 2011 at 7:13 am

That is so true Lindsay, our perspectives and ideals really do change with age and maturity. It is definitely worth the effort and that is why I continue making it :)


22 Tara September 8, 2011 at 9:56 pm

I used to be the same way… and to a certain extent, I still am a bit. I have made my family crazy in making sure I get fed and making sure I get my run in. I’m a lot more flexible than I used to be, but always a work in progress. We’re at the point where my mom is asking if I’m hungry every hour when we’re out. Probably because I turn into a little monster when I’m hungry!
Tara recently posted..WIAW–Chocolatey Bliss


23 Lindsay@bikingbeforebed September 8, 2011 at 10:44 pm

I have fallen into a lot of the same patterns you described. I sometimes lose my patience when my boyfriend eats out with his friends and doesn’t want to eat exactly what I cooked him… when I want to eat it. I am slowly learning how to “go with the flow” so to say but I agree its quite a struggle!
Lindsay@bikingbeforebed recently posted..Running by the Sea


24 Jessica @ rerunrunning September 9, 2011 at 1:13 am

Ah, girl… thanks for this post. I think we all get selfish with our time and a little craaazy sometimes when it comes to food. (shoot, we’re girls!) It’s good to be reminded to look outside ourselves and not let anything else control our lives. I think the worst for me are food surprises… when I end up having to eat somewhere or with someone when I wasn’t planning on it and feeling like that could mess up my whole schedule and how I will fit it in with running, etc. It’s something I need to learn to go with the flow on a little more. :)
Jessica @ rerunrunning recently posted..You threw off my groove


25 Lisa ♥ Healthful Sense September 9, 2011 at 9:10 am

Ahhh Tessa… you are so much further along than you realize. You are so aware of what is going on and it’s incredible how you are able to verbalize your thoughts and feelings the way that you do. ED’s are very self-limiting and self-consuming … it is such a breath of fresh air when you are able to move out of yourself and enjoy the world =)
Lisa ♥ Healthful Sense recently posted..Plain Greek Yogurt Turned Heavenly


26 Kristy September 9, 2011 at 9:20 am

I can definitely relate with this post. During the worst of my ED, I definitely took way too much “me time”. I also was oh so guilty of putting meal times on a pedestal. I would let nothing interfere with my meal times. Looking back, I realize that all this did was make me extremely lonely and stressed. Now, I push myself to be busy and social most of the time but still try to fit in a little bit of me time. For the most part, I am much happier too. I’ve learned that people and relationships are more important than food and my absurd routines. However, I still struggle in the exercise arena. I obsessively stress about when I will fit in my exercise for the day and if I miss a planned workout, it’s not pretty. It’s something I need to work on.

I think you are doing a great job of challenging your ED and putting yourself out there girl! Like you, I also feel like I’ve missed out on a lot of “the college experience”. Last fall, I truly let go and had the best semester of college to date. I have a feeling you will let go of all your inhibitions this semester and have the time of your life! You’re amazing! Keep fighting and keep your head up : )
Kristy recently posted..Help


27 Errign September 9, 2011 at 10:32 am

I am unbelievably busy right now, with things I HAVE to do – school & work and things I CHOOSE to do – blog & exercise. I hate that I love blogging and exercising more, but that they make me so much more busy. It’s hard to justify adding “optional” activities into my life when I know my body just wants a nap or something. I wrote a little bit about this in my post today, mostly about work.

I think that being selfish and wanting time for yourself to do anything, even if it’s eating is okay. It becomes not okay when you’re not using that time in a healthy way, but I think you’re doing great. Being selfish in general can FEEL bad, but it ends up being so much better for you, sometimes.
Errign recently posted..Things I’m Loving.


28 Lyndsie @ highcottonlivin September 9, 2011 at 10:57 am

Thanks for sharing this, Tessa. I love hearing about your progress. You are fantastic! :)

I crave that “me” time, especially after working all week. I need it to stay sane and it really helps me stay more focused in the long run. It is just way too important to skip over.
Lyndsie @ highcottonlivin recently posted..What’s All the Fuss


29 Jennie September 9, 2011 at 11:57 am

I think it is all too easy to fall into a routine and get attached to it – almost like a safety blanket. Even this summer I’ve been guilty of getting into an unintentional routine where I wake up usually at the same time so am hungry for meals at certain times. I am already a little anxious about when uni starts back, but thats life!
I also want to say that I love how eloquently you describe your feelings and that makes it so easy to read and understand, because I’d imagine it must be hard to phrase things exactly in accordance with irrational thoughts.
You are getting BETTER though! And that is awesome :). As girls who like our food, meal times are important and I know how you feel when you say you want to have a nice lunch for example, but have to grab something quick. Try telling yourself maybe that there will be thousands more days to have nice orderly meals but priority is your health and your work.


30 Julia September 9, 2011 at 3:21 pm

I think your job as an RA was perfect because it FORCED you to break out of your ‘selfish’ behavior- like eating at specific times, ect. That’s why I sometimes think it’s good to be really busy- it keeps your mind preoccupied from delving into the deep, negative thinking that can be harmful and conducive to ED thoughts.
Julia recently posted..Wednesday Words of Wisdom


31 Sam September 9, 2011 at 4:40 pm

all great thoughts. it’s so easy to get in selfish patterns. i find i have to write out detailed schedules and stick to them and really focus on thinking of others when life gets nuts.
Sam recently posted..thankful week 36


32 Lindsey @ Cardio Pizza September 11, 2011 at 5:43 pm

Bravo for writing that! I can relate to a lot of your thoughts on the selfishness with disordered eating and thinking…the good thing is though, that you recognize that it’s no way to live and are taking steps towards changing. That’s all you can do – move forward and make more positive choices.

And you ARE busy! I don’t think i’ve ever been that busy. I am someone who just can’t commit to too many things or I get very very stressed. I often times would wish I could be like you or others like you that can do so much, but it ultimately beats me in the ground. For me it’s about saying no to certain things because I know what stress does to me if I dont take time out for me.


33 Alli September 13, 2011 at 3:40 pm

Oh man, I can’t even tell you how much I can relate to this post! Every. single. thing. you. wrote.
I definitely put meals on a pedestal, and if I can’t have my healthy, nutritious full meal, I simply have a meal bar in replacement, which ends up not being enough calories. Meals in general make me quite full because I was used to eating so little for so long. It’s totally true that your stomach shrinks and expands depending on how much you eat over time! I prefer to snack all day, but a school/work schedule doesn’t accommodate that very well, and packing lunches is tedious and causes me anxiety because I always think: What if I don’t pack enough? What if I pack too much? What if I don’t really want this food? What if I don’t want all of this but eat it anyway just because it’s there, and end up feeling too full?

So annoying. Such is the life of a person in recovery from an ED! But in the end, eating is better than not eating…I keep reminding myself of that every single day!

Take care :)



34 tessa8m September 13, 2011 at 3:51 pm

Oh gosh Alli, now I can relate to everything you wrote as well! I think I would prefer to snack all day too, but like you said, school and work don’t accommodate such a way of eating. But perhaps that is a good thing because it challenges us to try and eat a bit differently!


Leave a Comment

CommentLuv badge
Note: Commenter is allowed to use '@User+blank' to automatically notify your reply to other commenter. e.g, if ABC is one of commenter of this post, then write '@ABC '(exclude ') will automatically send your comment to ABC. Using '@all ' to notify all previous commenters. Be sure that the value of User should exactly match with commenter's name (case sensitive).

Previous post:

Next post: