Top of the morning to ya! <– Yep, awkward opening time.
Guess what? Only two more days of classes left this week and then 3 exams, 2 papers and 1 presentation between me and freedom! I am sure you all must be pretty tired of reading all of the finals chit-chat and woes… so I will not dwell on that particular subject. Instead of wallowing about my work, I am going to procrastinate with blogging. On that note, let’s get right to today’s post!
It is Wednesday y’all and as a result, it’s time for What I Ate Wednesday, courtesy of Jenn over at Peas and Crayons. Thank you for putting this on and yet another successful week
**(Numbers and calorie counts are discussed today. If you are easily triggered or sensitive to such topics… please read with discretion or not at all. Remember how tricky this whole illness can be, eek)
Last week’s WIAW post focused on the fact that as uncomfortable as it is and how wrong it feels, I am eating what and how much I need to… based on my height, weight and activity level. Hrmm well actually, I am giving myself too much credit… I am getting closer to consuming the amount I need, but am consistently falling anywhere between 300-600 calories short of the 2,700-3,000 I need a day. Wow just wow, that high number still perplexes me!
I know I sound like a broken record but goodness, I just can’t seem to get my head around the fact that I need that (oh-my-god-huge-to-me) amount on a daily basis. It goes against everything I have ever learned about calories through books, magazines, articles, research and so on. I mean in my mind, the only people that would consume a high amount like that were some very hard-core athletes (previous thinking right there).
I mean when you look at the nutrition facts on cereal for example, they always have that note that the suggested amounts they list are “based on a 2,000 calorie diet” for women, and “2,500″ for men.
The former of those two numbers has consistently been the point I have stuck to once I started counting calories. Of course I went lower in the “dark days” but never higher.
You have all been along for the ride as I describe this journey… and you know at this point that this is an incredibly difficult change to make. I am fighting against all that has been familiar and has feel correct” for so long, attempting to no longer both fear and hate my body, all while convincing myself that the changes I am making are for the best. For so long I have known what is best for me… at least that is what I so adamantly believed.
It is time to to accept that I have been wrong about much of this, about what my body truly needs, about what makes me happy, or allows me to thrive. And you know what? That is fine. Perhaps I know in theory how to keep my body healthy, but doing exactly what I need to takes a bit of outside encouragement but also the sincere desire to make aspects of my life better for myself.
You might be wondering what this “edition” of What I Ate Wednesday is all about, there is of course a reason, a story behind it. One that is uncomfortable and I suppose a bit shameful to admit… Binging is involved.
Basically it comes down to… WHEN… when will I take what I know and what to do, and apply it to my own life.
- When will I learn that the only way to mend my relationship with food and my body, and to finally escape from all of this, is to do exactly what I need to?
- When will I learn that I can no longer fight against myself for something so essential and normal as food?
- When will I learn my body can only tolerate abuse for so long?
- When will I learn that this process is really-freakin-hard and err annoying, and that everyday is an active battle?
- And finally and most important for this post, when will I learn that when I try to make changes, or go against what I know I need to do, parts of my mind and body will rebel against me?
As much as I would like to eventually shake the habit of counting calories, right now I believe it is essential and it is what works for me. I believe I make it pretty clear why in this post too! (I would like to also mention that I don’t count too strictly, more like guessing and staying as accurate as possible)
I will start at the beginning of my day, Monday in this case, so you an understand what led me to ask such questions…
Typical yogurt/cereal concoction
The mix consisted of:
- 1 container of nonfat plain Chobani (only had no fat at the store-boo)= 100 kcals,
- 2 tablespoons milled flax seed= 60 kcals,
- 1/2 cup Kashi Go Lean= 70 kcals
- 3/4 cup light Vanilla soy milk= 60 kcals
- A few blackberries= 30
I also had a rather glorious tasting (humongous) honey crisp apple and estimated it to be about 110 kcals. All of this was enjoyed along side Dunkin Donuts coffee brewed fresh in my room
Total for breakfast= 430. I know what you some of you may be thinking right now… 430 seems to low when she has nearly 2,200 to
go! And indeed, you are correct! But let’s keep going with the day. Again my choices all play into this week’s particular edition.
I can not escape my love for a monster salad…
In the mix:
- Tons of veggies- spinach, tomatoes, cucumbers, red peppers, and mushrooms= 60 kcals
- Deli turkey, 4 slices= 120 kcals
- Egg whites (no yolks today)= 40 kcals
- A hefty amount of peanuts/walnuts for crunch= 160 kcals
- Ketchup for dressing = 30 kcals
Watermelon and pineapple were also available at the DC that day… I certainly enjoyed a large amount of some of my favorite fruits:
Pineapple + watermelon= 80 kcals.
I also had a handful of Raisin Bran on my way out the door- 50 kcals. So what is the total for lunch? 540 and that coupled with breakfast I am about 970 calories at 2:00 pm.
Usually after this kind of lunch, I am hungry barely 90 minutes later. That day though, I did not feel much hunger until about 4:45 during my last class of the day. When it did hit though, it struck me with a vengeance, and I seemed to be starving quite suddenly. Since I realized I still had about 1500 calories to go, I freaked out a bit and tried to eat something that would fill me but also packed in some important nutrients. Bring in two of my favorite energy bars:
Kashi Go Lean Crunchy Bar= 160 + Mini Clif Bar= 100… total for the snack was 260.
Damn more than 1,000 to go.. But really, how “upset” was I about this situation? Not going to lie, the disordered part of my brain was rather thrilled that not only was I still very under necessary energy consumption for the day, but I was also not too hungry, therefore easier not to eat! No. Must. Not. Think. Like. This. I have come so far… why in the hell would I want to set myself back AGAIN?
YES PLEASE to both of these flavors! I had a few of each (200 calories all together) and man oh man were these GOOD. Blue Diamond products were on sale for buy 1 get 1 free and I sure as heck took advantage and chose two flavors I had never even seen. Both were fantastic, but I did actually prefer the mint-dark chocolate one. They taste like the cocoa ones, but with a hint of mint that works so well there. The Butter Toffee is quite tasty too though… I would describe it as similar to a Butter Finger
Alright… currently at 1,330 (ish), am not too hungry oh and it’s 7:30 pm. I am going to bed less than three hours from then, crap. Again though, that festering, ever-present evil (and wrong!) part of me was secretly thrilled at this! Excited that I would be going under that day, and would be able to wake up feeling skinny! Phew.
Oats, pumpkin to be specific, in a jar! (There are a few trends around the blog world that I absolutely love, this is certainly one of them)
In the mix:
- 1/2 cup rolled oats= 150 kcals
- 1/2 cup pumpkin= 50 kcals
- 1 cup light vanilla soy milk= 80 kcals
- 1 tablespoon chia seeds= 60 kcals
- Several shakes of cinnamon
- 1 packet Splenda–> yes I use artificial sweeteners sometimes. Please refrain from telling me I am going to develop cancer or something lovely like that
This was used in a near-empty jar of Barney Almond Butter (true love) which had, I guessed to be, 2 tablespoons nut butter left= 180. Gosh was this a good mix! Sometimes oats in a jar are not as great as I would like them to be, but for whatever reason, this particular creation was delightful.
Sooo total for the day thus far= 1,850 kcals. And I am STUFFED.
Despite the full feeling I finished off a package of these glorious chocolate mints from Trader Joe’s (what is with me and chocolate mint lately?!):
I had less than half of a package of these left and estimated the snack to be 150 kcals, taking my total at just about 2,000 for the day… at 8:45 pm.
Alright so holy moly, still under the amount I really and truly need and I am completely aware that this is my own doing. I KNOW how to eat the amount I need to… through calorie-dense snacks, more in the earlier part of the day to avoid feeling stuffed, eat every few hours, and so on. I know this.
But now I will bring it back to what i discussed earlier… when will I learn? When will I learn that if I want to escape from this tormenting illness that I have to do things correctly all of the time?! And most importantly for this situation, WHEN will I learn my body is going to rebel when it knows something is even slightly off?
That is exactly what happened. The logical, functioning, wanting-to-heal part of me saw that I was under the new calorie number I needed to reach and decided to change that. Enter binge mode!
It’s hard to explain and articulate exactly what was going through my head in this situation. Basically both of the logical and disordered part of my mind were both keenly present and they made themselves known throughout the errr..binge.
It started with grabbing just a handful of the bulk trail mix I had bought from Whole Foods- a few peanuts, some walnuts, pumpkin seeds, and a couple of M&Ms. Okay yum tasty, that was probably only about 70 calories still “safe.” But ahhh no, don’t listen to that, remember you want to get better! Fineee, i’ll just have a few more almonds, and walnuts, and ooo yes dried pineapple…. Raisins, gosh they are good. I wonder how it would taste all together? Yep those flavors were good… how about I test it out just one more time… okay just one more handful, one more taste…
What else is looking good right now? Cottage cheese, love it! How about with some almond butter mixed in? So good. Ahh TESSA STOP, NOOO- you fatty, what in the hell are you thinking right now?! Don’t you realize that just 5 minutes ago you were under calories and feeling fantastic? You lard, now you have gone and ruined it for the day… Enter consuming a yogurt and one more piece of chocolate.
I did eventually stop of course… after god knows how many calories. Perhaps if anything, I should be glad that I consumed the amount I needed for that day, oh and then some. I did not restrict the amount i absolutely, non-negotiably need. But after all was said and done, I felt like total crap.
Full. Bloated. Ashamed. Out of control. Disgusted. FAT.
I was under calories for the day and I sure as hell made up for it. But how this was done is what is tormenting me. For one, that out of control feeling is terrifying, and for another, I felt like a lardo after and couldn’t fathom going to sleep as early as I would like to, as I was so darn full. Instead I stayed up, tried to at least get some more done since I was up anyway, and oh yeah, was GUILTY beyond all reason.
I woke up the next day and vowed to first of all, shake the guilt because holding on to it does nothing beneficial… and also to (at least try) to not let something like this happen again. And putting on a decent outfit, makeup and doing your hair also helps a bit too
Weeee curly hair day!
I know that part of the reason I restricted on Monday is because I woke up feeling a bit heavier and fatter than usual.. hence disordered thoughts/actions commence. One word- ugh.
I used to never lose control. A scenario like this would NEVER have occurred a year ago… no way, no how. The reason that happened, and has before, is because again, my body cannot take it anymore- When will I learn this? Also that when I am under calories for the day, my body knows it and will rebel. When will I learn?
Somehow learning to trust the changes I need to make, and that my body will in fact adjust and not blow up like a balloon, is something that must occur. It is very clear that when I start messing with the process of recovery, the part of me that wants so badly to escape from all of this, is going to fight back…hard.
So when will I learn to do what I should if I want to heal? Soon hopefully and it’s situations like this that prompt me to continue pressing on.
Yeah I know that was quite lengthy… For some reason this was harder for me to write about than usual. Not sure what that is about. Thank you for reading this whole darn thing if you did. If not, understandable…busy time for us all as we know! And I know WIAW are usually supposed to be a bit cheerier- sorry bout that.
I would love to hear from you…
-What are some things you “know” but are still in the process of learning them?
-Is there something in your life that this question could be applied to… When will I learn…?
-Losing control around food umm sucks. Have you ever done this, and if so, how do you shake the guilt?
-Have you tried either of those Blue Diamond almond flavors? Any new product finds?
-It’s WIAW after all, so please share the very best thing you ate in the past week! For me it was the Oats in a jar Monday… like I said, a great mix of tastiness.
Have a great rest of your day! Can’t wait to creep on all of yooo eats