WIAW- The When Will I Learn Edition

by tessa8m on December 7, 2011

in What I Ate Wednesday

Top of the morning to ya! <– Yep, awkward opening time.

Guess what? Only two more days of classes left this week and then 3 exams, 2 papers and 1 presentation between me and freedom! I am sure you all must be pretty tired of reading all of the finals chit-chat and woes… so I will not dwell on that particular subject. Instead of wallowing about my work, I am going to procrastinate with blogging. On that note, let’s get right to today’s post!

It is Wednesday y’all and as a result, it’s time for What I Ate Wednesday, courtesy of Jenn over at Peas and Crayons. Thank you for putting this on and yet another successful week :)

**(Numbers and calorie counts are discussed today. If you are easily triggered or sensitive to such topics… please read with discretion or not at all. Remember how tricky this whole illness can be, eek)

Last week’s WIAW post focused on the fact that as uncomfortable as it is and how wrong it feels, I am eating what and how much I need to… based on my height, weight and activity level. Hrmm well actually, I am giving myself too much credit… I am getting closer to consuming the amount I need, but am consistently falling anywhere between 300-600 calories short of the 2,700-3,000 I need a day. Wow just wow, that high number still perplexes me!

Well maybe a little worried :)

I know I sound like a broken record but goodness, I just can’t seem to get my head around the fact that I need that (oh-my-god-huge-to-me) amount on a daily basis. It goes against everything I have ever learned about calories through books, magazines, articles, research and so on. I mean in my mind, the only people that would consume a high amount like that were some very hard-core athletes (previous thinking right there).

I mean when you look at the nutrition facts on cereal for example, they always have that note that the suggested amounts they list are “based on a 2,000 calorie diet” for women, and “2,500″ for men.

The former of those two numbers has consistently been the point I have stuck to once I started counting calories. Of course I went lower in the “dark days” but never higher.

You have all been along for the ride as I describe this journey… and you know at this point that this is an incredibly difficult change to make. I am fighting against all that has been familiar and has feel correct” for so long, attempting to no longer both fear and hate my body, all while convincing myself that the changes I am making are for the best. For so long I have known what is best for me… at least that is what I so adamantly believed.

It is time to to accept that I have been wrong about much of this, about what my body truly needs, about what makes me happy, or allows me to thrive. And you know what? That is fine. Perhaps I know in theory how to keep my body healthy, but doing exactly what I need to takes a bit of outside encouragement but also the sincere desire to make aspects of my life better for myself.

You might be wondering what this “edition” of What I Ate Wednesday is all about, there is of course a reason, a story behind it. One that is uncomfortable and I suppose a bit shameful to admit… Binging is involved.

Basically it comes down to… WHEN… when will I take what I know and what to do, and apply it to my own life.

  • When will I learn that the only way to mend my relationship with food and my body, and to finally escape from all of this, is to do exactly what I need to?
  • When will I learn that I can no longer fight against myself for something so essential and normal as food?
  • When will I learn my body can only tolerate abuse for so long?
  • When will I learn that this process is really-freakin-hard and err annoying, and that everyday is an active battle?
  • And finally and most important for this post, when will I learn that when I try to make changes, or go against what I know I need to do, parts of my mind and body will rebel against me?

As much as I would like to eventually shake the habit of counting calories, right now I believe it is essential and it is what works for me. I believe I make it pretty clear why in this post too! (I would like to also mention that I don’t count too strictly, more like guessing and staying as accurate as possible)

I will start at the beginning of my day, Monday in this case, so you an understand what led me to ask such questions…

Breakfast:

Typical yogurt/cereal concoction

The mix consisted of:

  • 1 container of nonfat plain Chobani (only had no fat at the store-boo)= 100 kcals,
  • 2 tablespoons milled flax seed= 60 kcals,
  • 1/2 cup Kashi Go Lean= 70 kcals
  • 3/4 cup light Vanilla soy milk= 60 kcals
  • A few blackberries= 30

I also had a rather glorious tasting (humongous) honey crisp apple and estimated it to be about 110 kcals. All of this was enjoyed along side Dunkin Donuts coffee brewed fresh in my room :)

Total for breakfast= 430. I know what you some of you may be thinking right now… 430 seems to low when she has nearly 2,200 to

go! And indeed, you are correct! But let’s keep going with the day. Again my choices all play into this week’s particular edition.

Lunch:

I can not escape my love for a monster salad…

In the mix:

  • Tons of veggies- spinach, tomatoes, cucumbers, red peppers, and mushrooms= 60 kcals
  • Deli turkey, 4 slices= 120 kcals
  • Egg whites (no yolks today)= 40 kcals
  • A hefty amount of peanuts/walnuts for crunch= 160 kcals
  • Ketchup for dressing :) = 30 kcals

Watermelon and pineapple were also available at the DC that day… I certainly enjoyed a large amount of some of my favorite fruits:

Pineapple + watermelon= 80 kcals.

I also had a handful of Raisin Bran on my way out the door- 50 kcals. So what is the total for lunch? 540 and that coupled with breakfast I am about 970 calories at 2:00 pm.

Snack:

Usually after this kind of lunch, I am hungry barely 90 minutes later. That day though, I did not feel much hunger until about 4:45 during my last class of the day. When it did hit though, it struck me with a vengeance, and I seemed to be starving quite suddenly. Since I realized I still had about 1500 calories to go, I freaked out a bit and tried to eat something that would fill me but also packed in some important nutrients. Bring in two of my favorite energy bars:

Kashi Go Lean Crunchy Bar= 160 + Mini Clif Bar= 100… total for the snack was 260.

Damn more than 1,000 to go.. But really, how “upset” was I about this situation? Not going to lie, the disordered part of my brain was rather thrilled that not only was I still very under necessary energy consumption for the day, but I was also not too hungry, therefore easier not to eat! No. Must. Not. Think. Like. This. I have come so far… why in the hell would I want to set myself back AGAIN?

I was able to overtake the disorder in this particular situation and continued fighting back while trying to be okay with consuming another snack:

YES PLEASE to both of these flavors! I had a few of each (200 calories all together) and man oh man were these GOOD. Blue Diamond products were on sale for buy 1 get 1 free and I sure as heck took advantage and chose two flavors I had never even seen. Both were fantastic, but I did actually prefer the mint-dark chocolate one. They taste like the cocoa ones, but with a hint of mint that works so well there. The Butter Toffee is quite tasty too though… I would describe it as similar to a Butter Finger :)

Alright… currently at 1,330 (ish), am not too hungry oh and it’s 7:30 pm. I am going to bed less than three hours from then, crap. Again though, that festering, ever-present evil (and wrong!) part of me was secretly thrilled at this! Excited that I would be going under that day, and would be able to wake up feeling skinny! Phew.

Dinner:

Oats, pumpkin to be specific, in a jar! (There are a few trends around the blog world that I absolutely love, this is certainly one of them)

In the mix:

  • 1/2 cup rolled oats= 150 kcals
  • 1/2 cup pumpkin= 50 kcals
  • 1 cup light vanilla soy milk= 80 kcals
  • 1 tablespoon chia seeds= 60 kcals
  • Several shakes of cinnamon
  • 1 packet Splenda–> yes I use artificial sweeteners sometimes. Please refrain from telling me I am going to develop cancer or something lovely like that :)

This was used in a near-empty jar of Barney Almond Butter (true love) which had, I guessed to be, 2 tablespoons nut butter left= 180. Gosh was this a good mix! Sometimes oats in a jar are not as great as I would like them to be, but for whatever reason, this particular creation was delightful.

Sooo total for the day thus far= 1,850 kcals. And I am STUFFED.

Despite the full feeling I finished off a package of these glorious chocolate mints from Trader Joe’s (what is with me and chocolate mint lately?!):

I had less than half of a package of these left and estimated the snack to be 150 kcals, taking my total at just about 2,000 for the day… at 8:45 pm.

Alright so holy moly, still under the amount I really and truly need and I am completely aware that this is my own doing. I KNOW how to eat the amount I need to… through calorie-dense snacks, more in the earlier part of the day to avoid feeling stuffed, eat every few hours, and so on. I know this.

But now I will bring it back to what i discussed earlier… when will I learn? When will I learn that if I want to escape from this tormenting illness that I have to do things correctly all of the time?! And most importantly for this situation, WHEN will I learn my body is going to rebel when it knows something is even slightly off?

That is exactly what happened. The logical, functioning, wanting-to-heal part of me saw that I was under the new calorie number I needed to reach and decided to change that. Enter binge mode!

It’s hard to explain and articulate exactly what was going through my head in this situation. Basically both of the logical and disordered part of my mind were both keenly present and they made themselves known throughout the errr..binge.

It started with grabbing just a handful of the bulk trail mix I had bought from Whole Foods- a few peanuts, some walnuts, pumpkin seeds, and a couple of M&Ms. Okay yum tasty, that was probably only about 70 calories still “safe.” But ahhh no, don’t listen to that, remember you want to get better! Fineee, i’ll just have a few more almonds, and walnuts, and ooo yes dried pineapple…. Raisins, gosh they are good. I wonder how it would taste all together? Yep those flavors were good… how about I test it out just one more time… okay just one more handful, one more taste…

What else is looking good right now? Cottage cheese, love it! How about with some almond butter mixed in? So good. Ahh TESSA STOP, NOOO- you fatty, what in the hell are you thinking right now?! Don’t you realize that just 5 minutes ago you were under calories and feeling fantastic? You lard, now you have gone and ruined it for the day… Enter consuming a yogurt and one more piece of chocolate.

I did eventually stop of course… after god knows how many calories. Perhaps if anything, I should be glad that I consumed the amount I needed for that day, oh and then some. I did not restrict the amount i absolutely, non-negotiably need. But after all was said and done, I felt like total crap.

Full. Bloated. Ashamed. Out of control. Disgusted. FAT.

I was under calories for the day and I sure as hell made up for it. But how this was done is what is tormenting me. For one, that out of control feeling is terrifying, and for another, I felt like a lardo after and couldn’t fathom going to sleep as early as I would like to, as I was so darn full. Instead I stayed up, tried to at least get some more done since I was up anyway, and oh yeah, was GUILTY beyond all reason.

I woke up the next day and vowed to first of all, shake the guilt because holding on to it does nothing beneficial… and also to (at least try) to not let something like this happen again. And putting on a decent outfit, makeup and doing your hair also helps a bit too :)

Weeee curly hair day!

I know that part of the reason I restricted on Monday is because I woke up feeling a bit heavier and fatter than usual.. hence disordered thoughts/actions commence. One word- ugh.

I used to never lose control. A scenario like this would NEVER have occurred a year ago… no way, no how. The reason that happened, and has before, is because again, my body cannot take it anymore- When will I learn this? Also that when I am under calories for the day, my body knows it and will rebel. When will I learn?

Somehow learning to trust the changes I need to make, and that my body will in fact adjust and not blow up like a balloon, is something that must occur. It is very clear that when I start messing with the process of recovery, the part of me that wants so badly to escape from all of this, is going to fight back…hard.

So when will I learn to do what I should if I want to heal? Soon hopefully and it’s situations like this that prompt me to continue pressing on.

Yeah I know that was quite lengthy… For some reason this was harder for me to write about than usual. Not sure what that is about. Thank you for reading this whole darn thing if you did. If not, understandable…busy time for us all as we know! And I know WIAW are usually supposed to be a bit cheerier- sorry bout that.

I would love to hear from you…

-What are some things you “know” but are still in the process of learning them?

-Is there something in your life that this question could be applied to… When will I learn…?

-Losing control around food umm sucks. Have you ever done this, and if so, how do you shake the guilt?

-Have you tried either of those Blue Diamond almond flavors? Any new product finds?

-It’s WIAW after all, so please share the very best thing you ate in the past week! For me it was the Oats in a jar Monday… like I said, a great mix of tastiness.

Have a great rest of your day! Can’t wait to creep on all of yooo eats :D

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{ 167 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Lyn @ FueledBySalad December 7, 2011 at 4:47 am

First off: that salad looks amaaaaaazing! I’ve never lost control around food because, to be frank, I think my relationship with it’s pretty healthy…

But we’re on the same weight-gain boat here! I’m trying to eat more ‘calorific’ foods too, and though I don’t count calories, I do make a conscious effort to increase my intake. Of course the bad thoughts still pop in every once in a while and I shut them up, but they’re still as nasty as ever. :/

Sadly, no significant eats from the last week (<— disappointment right there), but I'm sending good vibes your way!
Lyn @ FueledBySalad recently posted..Weighty issues and dealing with not running…

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2 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 1:03 pm

I appreciate the good vibes :)

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3 Khushboo December 7, 2011 at 5:44 am

Yesss I totally know what you mean. Sometimes it’s not so much about the number of calories consumed or the food but the actual process of losing control. It’s like something takes over the mind! I occasionally feel the same way when I eat unnecessarily. I know I am full but my mouth wants something to chew and regardless of my will to eat intuitively, something draws me to the fridge and I instantly regret it after consumption! I know you know but I am going to go ahead and reiterate it: maybe your answer to binging is a slightly bigger lunch. I love my salads too so rather than completely swap it, why not add a piece of bread to it. It’s weird but the more I eat, the hungrier I get. It’s probably a sign of our smart little metabolisms kicking themselves off ;)! I’m sure part of you is nervous that if you increase lunch, you won’t be hungry for your afternoon snack. Another thing you could possibly try is reduce your veggie intake at lunch Chelsea from One Healthy Munchkin wrote a great post about veggies recently: there is such a thing as too much when it replaces other nutrients in your diet! Cheers to a better week but keep your head up, you are surely making progress whether or not you feel it! Imagine eating 2000 calories back in the day!!

Andddd now that my essay is over, the best thing I have eaten recently is also oats in a jar (cooked with banana and egg-whites and topped with almonds, granola, choc chips and fruit preserves…it was pretty intense ;)!)

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4 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 1:15 pm

Thank you for this “essay” girl :) Btw, not an essay at all… I really appreciate you taking the time to write this to me! And I will be sure to check out her post about that… I know too many fruits and veggies are not always a good thing, but I need a reminder sometimes!

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5 Alexandra December 7, 2011 at 7:17 am

Yay for fighting back! And yay for curly hair, it looks SO good on you hottie! ;)
I admire you so much for adding in these extra cals in a healthy/DELICIOUS way. I know that voice is gonna be plaguing you til the sun don’t shine, but with your determination, I’m sure it’ll STFU.
I too want to be able to drop the whole counting thing, it’s so time consuming and annoying. It makes me wish I was a little kid again where I just ate without putting thought into every bite, ya know? Man those were the good ol days. But you and I can make it back there, I know it!! :D
PS–when I saw that little barbie picture on the WIAW page for yours, I cracked up haha
Have a great, fabulous, and wonderful day, girl!
Alexandra recently posted..WI[R]W

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6 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 1:16 pm

Ha gosh do I love the acronym STFU. Must utilize its awesomeness more :)
And I am glad you noticed the Barbie pic! I thought it was a humorous one to add

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7 natalie @ will jog for food December 7, 2011 at 7:27 am

You are doing great Tessa!

Sometimes I have binge days where I constantly feel hungry and eat more than usual, then sometimes I have days where I’m not as hungry and don’t eat as much (even though I almost always eat every 3 hours). It’s good to listen you your body.
natalie @ will jog for food recently posted..3 Things I Love

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8 Victoria (District Chocoholic) December 7, 2011 at 7:33 am

You should have more curly hair days. Is your hair naturally curly? I became much happier with my life when I accepted and started loving my curls :). You look beautiful with them!

(and binges are really difficult to deal with emotionally, even if you don’t eat “that much” or whatever – very few people understand that the emotional side has nothing to do with how much you actually eat. keep trucking…)
Victoria (District Chocoholic) recently posted..Hot Chocolate 15k: Why I Stole Chocolate

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9 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 1:18 pm

My hair is naturally curly :) I do scrunch it with a bit of mouse and gel so it won’t frizz like a bush though
Thank you for the lovely compliment and way to go with rockin dem curls too

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10 alyssa - fashion fitness foodie December 7, 2011 at 7:39 am

Tessa if you are FAT i am a COW. You need to be nicer to yourself… Stop counting calories for a day. Eat what you crave (its OK to crave healthy foods), when you crave it. You should enjoy food not eat it because you have to hit a certain number or because it’s that time you usually eat.
alyssa – fashion fitness foodie recently posted..Wish List

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11 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 1:19 pm

Oh Alyssa you are QUITE FAR from a cow pretty lady! Finding out what I crave is certainly difficult, but I am going to get this process down gosh darnnit (harsh language right there I know) ;)

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12 meg December 7, 2011 at 7:47 am

I have felt this way so many times it is not even funny. Half your brain is saying “holy crap I feel awful right now why did I just treat my body like a trash can?” and half your brain is like “who cares you need the calories anyways?” Although it’s obviously true that you (I) need the calories, this is a sucky way to get them and I absolutely hate how awful binging makes me feel. And it’s hard to know if you binged because deep down your body really was hungry or if it was really just emotions taking over. Probably a combination of both I suppose.

You are so strong and you’ve come so far already that I know you will figure out a way to get all these calories without having to binge. Just forgive yourself for Monday and know that this new higher calorie goal is new and you’re still figuring things out. I know you will be successful!

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13 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 1:20 pm

Meg you described the feeling quite well… I would agree with you, it’s probably a combination of both. I will try and forgive myself, thank you for the prompt to :)

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14 X December 7, 2011 at 8:40 pm

I really relate to this comment!!

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15 X December 7, 2011 at 8:34 am

I’m going to come back later to comment, but just wanted to say that I relate to much much much of this. But my binges are Every night and their actual binges (or near there…yours wasn’t a big deal at all…thats normal and mild compared to me). And I can’t exercise to at least feel better about it. The way to solve it I guess is eat ALOT and stop obsessing over doing it “right”, just get on track so life can be normal. That sounds confusing, but I can’t say it the right way.

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16 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 12:43 pm

It doesn’t sound confusing, I understand what you are saying!

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17 Fran@ Broken Cookies Don't Count December 7, 2011 at 8:42 am

I know all of the things I need to do to eat right and stay healthy. I always say my problem is that Ralph brings the wrong things in the house. He doesn’t pry open my mouth and force them in…it’s my decision. You’re making the right decision by being aware of getting in the calories you need. Maybe you should try to have your daytime meals and especially your snacks be more calorie dense. You’d be using it while you’re up and around and wouldn’t have that panic and over full feeling at night when you’re trying to calm down for the end of your day. You’re doing great, Tessa. Stick with it, Sweetie!
Fran@ Broken Cookies Don’t Count recently posted..They All Look Alike~WIAW!!

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18 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 1:23 pm

Definitely eating more earlier in the day is key…just have to get over that fear as well.
Thank you for the encouragement!

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19 Sarah@The Flying ONION December 7, 2011 at 8:43 am

I love that you’re stomping all those thoughts and fighting back with what you know is right. Good for you!

And you look awesome! I love your outfit and your hair looks terrific! :D
Sarah@The Flying ONION recently posted..a bowl of bow-ties.

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20 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 1:24 pm

Thank you Sarah! Stomping the thoughts indeed, I like that analogy

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21 Lindsay @ In Sweetness and In Health December 7, 2011 at 8:45 am

Wow such a good post Tessa! I can totally understand how a binge would occur…I don’t think it’s something that you should at all be ashamed of. You know that you are supposed to get to a certain amount of calories and you didn’t, so you decide to throw caution to the wind and EAT. I honestly probably would have done something very similar in that situation. As I’ve said before though, I think the fact that you recognize what you did makes it something that will be much more easy to confront and handle than if you didn’t realize what you were doing. And your outfit was so cute! And yay for curly hair :). These past couple of rainy days have meant curly hair for me as well!
Lindsay @ In Sweetness and In Health recently posted..15 Fitness Gifts of Christmas

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22 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Oh yes I know you have curly hair and am totally with me on the weather! I do like to wear it straight but obviously not an option when it’s raining and gross out :)

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23 Lauren @ What Lauren Likes December 7, 2011 at 8:51 am

I’ve lost control like that a few times, but it happens girl! Do not beat yourself up about it! Happy WIAW- your eats look fab! Also-love your hair! So cute :)
Lauren @ What Lauren Likes recently posted..Gourmet WIAW

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24 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Thank you Lauren :D

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25 Gen December 7, 2011 at 9:06 am

I’m going through the same thing right now…..if at the end of the day, I add things up and don’t have enough calories, I tend to panic, binge, and then feel gross.
Oh and chocolate + mint is amazing, by the way. :D
Gen recently posted..Stuff Happens

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26 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 1:28 pm

Yep that gross feeling sucks. Must get better about eating earlier in the day…

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27 Kristin December 7, 2011 at 9:22 am

This summer you may remember the e-mail that I sent you explaining how I was binging occasionally and couldn’t figure out why. At the time, you couldn’t relate but offered empathy nonetheless. I am realizing now, after reading your post, that the binge period is really just part of the recovery process. At the time, I was “binging” about once or twice a week (with thoughts of doing so even more often than that) and now I “binge” about once a month. Basically, I am trying to say that this is just a phase and that your body will not have the desire to “binge” in a few months if you keep eating the calories that you need and giving your body the fuel that it is craving. Feel free to e-mail me! :) You’re doing so great and we all are pulling for you!

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28 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 1:30 pm

Hi Kristin!
As soon as I read this I remembered our email exchange quite clearly. And you are right, at the time I could not relate…well that is certainly not the case anymore! It would help me to think of this as a part of the recovery, that would at least help with some of the guilt…
Thank you for the encouragement lady :)

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29 X December 7, 2011 at 8:45 pm

Interesting thoughts. I think my trouble is that its nearly every night…then it initiates the cycle of feeling lousy the next day and stuffing in a breakfast that sets me up for a lousy day…and repeat…and no further ahead. (Sigh).

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30 Mary-Catherine December 7, 2011 at 9:22 am

I know it feels like you may have acted out of control last night, but take a step back and reflect on your successes — not only did you fight against ED, but you took steps to eat closer to your target consumption!!! A year ago, like you said, never would have happened!! Plus, even though the grocery store didn’t have the non-fact yogurt, you still bought it and ate it!!! Be kinder to yourself — you were engaged in ED behvaiors for a few years, so it may take a few years to find that balance again!! Also, it is completely normal for you to feel that way — but I’m wondering if your binge was more like a meal for a “normal person” at that appropriate weight? For us, it may seem or feel like a ton of food, but would your dad or another friend call it a binge for them? I hope that makes sense!

Keep up the amazing work and keep fighting! Like you, my biggest challenge and struggle is eating more in the morning and afternoon, rather than “saving” my calories so that I can eat or have a really big, full dinner — which than my ED voices typically take over and say oh, you may be hungrier tomorrow, while don’t you keep saving — hence the negative cycle continues!

Proud of you! Happy Wednesday!

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31 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 7:56 pm

Ahh Mary-Catherine thank you for writing this! You are right, I need to not be so hard on myself so often… I am quite “good” at that as a matter of fact. And perhaps it was not an all out binge, but it was definitely a hefty amount of trail mix haha

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32 Jessica@runningtobeskinny December 7, 2011 at 9:23 am

Wow. You have some interesting food choices…I’m intrigued. :) Ketchup on salad? I think I’ll just have to follow along. Found you at WIAW. Jessica

runningtobeskinny.com

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33 Paige (The Last Doughnut) December 7, 2011 at 9:25 am

I know that binge feeling all too well. It used to creep up on me without my even realizing it. Now I know my “symptoms,” and have been better about it for the last 5 years or so. First off, my heart starts beating faster when I’m about to binge. I don’t know if it’s just excitement or my blood pressure goes up or something. Weird. The main thing that has helped me learn to control it is to put everything into slow motion, and really think about what I am doing and what I am about to do.

Slowing down the process and not just grabbing and eating without thinking, gives me a chance to realize what I am doing and stop it before it starts.

When I read your post today and you were talking about “shaking off” the bad feelings from the previous day, I thought about Florence and The Machine’s song, “Shake It Out.” If you haven’t heard it, I think you would really like it. It’s very symbolic and always puts me in better state of mind.

Florence and the Machine….”It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back, so shake it out! Shake it out!”
Paige (The Last Doughnut) recently posted..Fine Tuning

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34 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 7:57 pm

i am going to listen to that song! I am sure it would help with something like this :)

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35 Vien @ We Dare Food December 7, 2011 at 9:28 am

First, I’m gonna start off by saying that you look absolutely stunning and gorgeous :) And you have a really lovely smile!
The whole under-eating during the day and binging later at night happened to me many times before. It took me quite some time before realizing that my under-eating during the day was the cause of all the over-eating at night! I’m stuffed and bloated and before I know it, a pint of ice-cream’s gone, a jar of pb’s gone, a tub of yogurt’s gone… But I learned that beating myself up for what I did wasn’t going to help me. So, the first I did in the morning was forgave myself- ‘I’m only human and mistakes happen but people learn from mistakes and that’s what gonna make me stronger’. Throughout each day, I’d give myself two choices: eat more now and savour every bite, taste, flavour & texture OR stuff myself silly later and have a guilt-filled night. And each time, I’d go with the former. I learned that if I felt satisfied with my meal, I wouldn’t give food another thought till the next meal! But if I ate a ‘safe’ meal, full or not- food was constantly on my mind. Time couldn’t pass any slower! I kept checking if it was my ‘snack’ time and would realize that only half an hour had pass!
Unfortunately, there are days when I’d ‘forget’. I know the consequences and the horrible aftermath but my brain would zone out. Like my mind was disconnected my from actions. I haven’t had those for quite some time and *fingers cross* hopefully they’ll be a thing of the past.

Phew! That was long! Hopefully I wasn’t rambling too much! And now, the best thing I ate this week was peanut butter & kaya toast!! :D
Vien @ We Dare Food recently posted..What I Ate in Singapore so far…

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36 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 7:59 pm

This is not rambling at all… thank you for sharing this with me! I am going to try this technique.. seriously! This whole process is quite mind-oriented and I don’t see why this could not benefit me.. to at least try it

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37 Kat December 7, 2011 at 9:30 am

Girl you are doing great!! You came pretty close to your calorie mark, so you should be proud. Its a work in progress. Rome wasnt built in a day ;)
Right now I am battling the same thing as you in the sense that I am NOT getting enough in the day, and at night am searching for anything to stuff down. Its typically sugar, which typically leads to a night of sleeplessness and guilt.
But just knowing that prepares me for the next day right?! We WILL get through this and figure it out :)
Kat recently posted..WIAW

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38 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 8:01 pm

Oh yes sugar is my choice at night too… yes we will get through it Kat!

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39 Errign December 7, 2011 at 9:31 am

I generally just try to look at each day as a new day – if I over or underindulged the day before, I make it my goal the next to stay on track for whatever my “goal” is. I’m sorry you had a bummer day. Perhaps you could fit in a protein shake to sip on during class, regardless of hunger, just so you’re getting your intake up. I know how you feel though, it’s so hard to eat when you’re not hungry.
Errign recently posted..Ramble On.

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40 Lindsay @ The Lean Green Bean December 7, 2011 at 9:45 am

LOVE your curly hair!!! you’re beautiful :) and i must try those butter toffee almondss
Lindsay @ The Lean Green Bean recently posted..WIAW: Old Favorites

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41 Lisa ♥ Healthful Sense December 7, 2011 at 9:51 am

Why is it so awkward to open a post lol?!! I usually start typing “hi friends” or something to that nature and erase it cause it sounds so lame =) I get stuck on that too!
I love that you were empathetic w/ yourself after eating what you thought was too much!! That is HUGE girl and you should continue to love yourself that way =) Remember anytime you binge it’s just a way of your body trying to take care of yourself because it’s out of balance! That thought helped me alot when I struggled with the restriction/binge/restriction cycle.
Lisa ♥ Healthful Sense recently posted..What I Ate Wednesday: Mickey Mouse Pancakes

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42 Ashley @ My Food 'N' Fitness Diaries December 7, 2011 at 9:57 am

First of all, I LOVE your hair curly – so so cute on you! And that red sweater is beautiful on you too. :)

Something I KNOW, but have a hard time LEARNING and ACCEPTING is the number on the scale. I’ve struggled so much with this stupid number. Thankfully I’ve been able to give up weighing myself every day, but thinking about that number still bugs me at times. Or when I have to get weighed at the doctor’s office, I have a hard time not freaking out. I know I just need to accept it for what it is, and that I AM at a healthy weight and be happy about that.

I, too, have lost control with food – many times! It’s finally getting easier and easier for me not to, but I can relate all too well to that “guilt”. I just try to view the next meal, the next snack, the next day as a new beginning. That ONE day or ONE hour that made me feel miserable is hardly going to do anything, so just start over and do what you know is best for you.

You are beautiful!
Ashley @ My Food ‘N’ Fitness Diaries recently posted..WIAW {What I Ate Wednesday} #11: Balanced Meals

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43 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 8:04 pm

God I hate that stupid crap head number too … and still, I know how much I weigh. I am so embarrassed to even admit that at this point!
Thank you for the encouragement girl

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44 Allie December 7, 2011 at 10:15 am

Ahh, wanting to know “when” is of course natural, but it’s more important to just look at progress! There is no end date, just an every day moving forward date! Set backs happen, but clearly you need the additional calories, so one stumble? Pfft, nothing, just pick yourself up, and it may happen again, but you’ll still know more every time! You are such a lovely lady, sending best wishes for that final “when” your way!
Allie recently posted..What I Ate Wednesday

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45 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 8:08 pm

What a nice and encouraging message Allie, thank you!

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46 Colleen December 7, 2011 at 10:17 am

Awesome post one again, Tessa. You are a gifted writer and are beyond brave to have exposed this topic. I believe it’s so prevalent, though.
Gosh, there are so many health lessons I know, but can’t seem to apply. Example…I know I need a rest day from exercise but won’t take one. I teach 4-6 aerobic classes a day and on my rare “off day” (vacation) I still workout! I’ll exercise though injuries. Ughhh. If I do binge (“safe” foods and the binge is typically multiple servings) then I get to the gym an hour before I reach a class and kill myself on the cardio machines. No good eats this week…. Just my normal foods. I do love my oatmeal/egg whites, though. I’m eating them now.
Again, congrats on recognizing your need to change. We WILL overcome this!

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47 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 8:20 pm

Ahh Colleen I guess I didn’t realize how much you worked out! I wish I could help you out in some way with this :( We both know how absolutely amazing your body would feel with more rest… and this is the kicker and something I promise you, you will not get fat! I know I wrote about this not too long ago, but the post about metabolism and all of that? It is true… your body is holding onto every little thing you give it.
If you backed off the physical abuse for a bit, your body would adjust just fine, you would lose no fitness and you would start to heal.
I knowwww it’s hard Colleen, I really do

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48 Christie December 7, 2011 at 10:27 am

And another great post from you!! The extra calories, you just have to keep remembering, you are doing in a HEALTHY way… sure the body would rebel if you were putting down 10 big macs:) but you are NOT doing that… kick those stupid ed voices in the head.
Christie recently posted..Dumb Deux

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49 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 8:21 pm

Quite true Christie.. no fast food for this girl :)

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50 Christie December 7, 2011 at 10:28 am

And another great post from you!! The extra calories, you just have to keep remembering, you are doing in a HEALTHY way… sure the body would rebel if you were putting down 10 big macs:) but you are NOT doing that… kick those stupid ed voices in the head.
Christie recently posted..Week 4/10 Recap, + Brooks Jacket Review

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51 Dorsa @ Running Thoughts December 7, 2011 at 10:32 am

It took a lot for you to write that, and I am proud that you did. I know that one day soon you will be looking back on this post and saying wow, I cannot believe how far I have come. You will do it, I know you will.

I think that you should try and add some calories earlier in your day, so that your mind will believe that you have worked off all of those extra calories. And eventually you won’t even think about it.

Try adding a Chobani or any sort of yogurt earlier in the day.. say between bfast and lunch :)
Dorsa @ Running Thoughts recently posted..Salad Success!

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52 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 8:23 pm

Yeah a higher protein/fattier snack earlier in the day would definitely help… just have to make the change permanent!

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53 Corrie Anne December 7, 2011 at 10:47 am

I love the curly hair and the blackberries!!! :) I’m happy to see you writing through and working through these things. I really hope you have a great day today. The best thing I’ve eaten this week was definitely some skinny no-bakes! So delicious.
Corrie Anne recently posted..Skinny No-Bake Cookies & BBQ Chicken Pizza Pot Pies

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54 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 8:26 pm

I’m going to check out your blog for that recipe!

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55 Nada (One Arab Vegan) December 7, 2011 at 11:08 am

Have you considered not counting calories? I know you’re trying to make sure you get enough, but maybe being so aware of it pushes you to restrict and then binge? Just a thought – I know how difficult it can be so I’m not judging.

Also I love your curly hair! Didn’t realise you were a natural curl-head too :)
Nada (One Arab Vegan) recently posted..WIAW #11: A Quickie

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56 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 8:27 pm

I know you are not judging girl… It’s something I have considered and may try in the future

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57 Rachel December 8, 2011 at 3:00 am

The way that my dietitian is having me monitor my intake during recovery is by counting “tallies” instead of calories. For example, you’ll know that you need to get in 8 “bread” tallies per day (random number), and since each bread option varies in calorie amounts, the dietitian chooses your meal plan based on the concepts that “everything fits” and that everything “balances out” so long as you eat a varied diet. Using the tally approach has really forced me to challenge my eating disorder, primarily because I never know the exact amount of calories that I’m eating for the day. I have had to accept that some days I am going to know that I have eaten more simply because I basically have all of the caloric info of food ingrained in my head, but I do not know the exact number that would be required to “compensate” for it. I also (and I think this one is really important) do not have a set daily calorie number in my head that I feel like I cannot go over w/o gaining weight. I’m also not trying to push anything here, just something to consider! Oh and btw, everybody on my treatment team has made it very clear that this tally system is just supposed to be used while I’m normalizing my eating again and that they want me to transition back to more intuitive eating after awhile. Sorry this was kind of long and i hope it made some sort of sense!! :)

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58 Michelle @ Blogitness December 7, 2011 at 11:09 am

I love curly hair days! I should probably have more of them…it would save me so much time. I’m probably going to have to add the Trader Joe’s chocolate candies to my shopping list for today!
Michelle @ Blogitness recently posted..The 100 Workout Re-Visited

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59 Kellie December 7, 2011 at 11:10 am

I find that I push back eating and “save” calories. Then I end up eating dinner and my evening snack back to back and feel huge and bloated before bed. It like I am afraid of getting hungry later so instead of eating what I should during the day I save it up for later. My RD told me on Monday that I must eat lunch at a normal time. I am working on eating more consistently throughout the day. She also said if I am still hungry then eat! She said that if your thoughts are filled with food and you are anticipating your next meal, then you need to eat more. Scary, but true.

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60 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 8:44 pm

That is exactly what I do too Kellie… for some reason I am better at controlling how little i eat at the beginning of the day as opposed to later on. But then again now that I think about it, it’s not weakness that leads me to pound food like I did, more of a physical response that it just needs more!
And yes, that is scary, but my therapist has said something similar too so I feel ya lady

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61 X December 7, 2011 at 8:54 pm

Its great that you have a counselor Kellie. I do this all the time ..I do eat a ton during the day..but at night I go way extreme…so it sets me up again for feleign like crap the next day..that’s my trouble at this point. I’m so far gone that my “system” (tummy) is wrecked.

(sorry 2 hijack)

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62 Natasha December 7, 2011 at 11:14 am

OH man I have had a few binge episodes. I can remember specifically one day that I worked out A TONN. I ran in the morning, lifted for a longg time – I was probably in the gym for at least two hours and I ran to and from the gym to top it off. I came back home and had an apple and maybe a low-carb wrap or something with some veggies and hummus. Then I ate a bowl of strawberries with two tablespoons of Fage 0% greek yogurt and sprinkled some protein powder on top. My mom later asked me at night if I would go running with her, so we ran about three miles together. I then went to bed. I woke up the next morning and ate my regular oats for breakfast, proceeded to go for a run, but it was kinda a fail because I was so tired. I then went back to my dorm room (this was my first day back in college so I had moved in the morning) and I ate two larabars, two wraps, fruit, some almond butter, and was still starving. I think I ate more, but I don’t remember. Then I went to a friends house and we went out to eat but I was so full that I took two bites of my meal and threw it away, and then proceeded to drink x amount of calories ahhaha. I was so stuffed to the brim it was horrible. Usually if I have a binge day it is a result of undereating the day before – it is always my fault and I move on. I get really upset about it for the most part because if I overeat I get crippling stomach aches – they are horrible! seriously! Usually I get really upset and then just take a nap. When I wake up I’ll go for a walk and the next day I try not to restrict and eat very healthy (most raw foods) and KILL it at the gym – but, again, I DON’T RESTRICT – it could lead to more binging! I really hope this helps! Your binge WAS nothing compared to some that I have had. It is embarrassing to lose control, but it happens and we move on from it. It is a learning experience and you didn’t fail or anything, you just were hungry and then got a little carried away. Trust me, I have been there, and it will happen again I’m sure, but the best thing to do is to just forget about it because it is in the past :)
PS, you looked AWESOME the next day – healthy and gorgeous!!!!
Natasha recently posted..25 Days of Christmas Day 6 – Gifts for Him

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63 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 8:48 pm

Hi Natasha… thank you for for sharing this with me! And wow girl, I would have hard core fainted if I had been exercising on that small amount of food! After fainting I would have binged of course too
You are right, it happens, it might again and it’s okay. Time to move on :)

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64 Ashley @ AlmostVegGirlie December 7, 2011 at 11:33 am

Girl, I’m loving your hair! So jealous that you can wear it curly :D

I know it can be such a battle between our bodies and our minds. While I have never binged, sometimes I grab an extra handful of dried fruit after I already finished eating and I’m not even that hungry and it makes me feel so guilty. But I do know that it’s a sign that I’m still not eating as much as I need to. Our bodies are smarter than we give them credit for and I know that if you continue to listen to your body on a regular basis, the bingeing will stop. Hang in there, I know you can do it!
Ashley @ AlmostVegGirlie recently posted..WIAW: With a Side of Survey

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65 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 8:48 pm

Oh yes, just have to keep listening to our bodies. So much easier said than done, but it’s possible!

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66 caloricandcrazy December 7, 2011 at 11:36 am

Love love this post.

Since I count calories myself, I sometimes “freak out” if I don’t reach my limit/go over my limit for the day. I always try to remember that calories are just an estimate, and the important thing is balance, and that if I do happen to eat over my limit one day, that I won’t become a “fatty” or am a pig. My body will do something sensible with the nutrients, and I can always adjust for it the next day.

I use artifical sweetners too sometimes. They’re not bad in moderation (like anything else). Ofcourse if I have Stevia or something natural around, I’ll use that but artificial sweetners aren’t as bad as a lot of people think they are.
caloricandcrazy recently posted..WIAW #2 & WIAAW

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67 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 8:50 pm

They really aren’t and I am glad you agree with me on that!

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68 Kate @ Chasing It December 7, 2011 at 11:39 am

Not going to lie….as I’m currently trying to eat more too…I do this every couple of days. I eat throughout the day – and sometimes I think I’m doing really well! And then I plug the numbers into my little online counter thing and I’m like “really? that was only 1900?!?”…and then even though its 10:00 and I want to go to bed and I’m full from my bedtime snack, some part of my brain just drags my butt back to the kitchen because I need more calories!!! And I totally agree – it makes me feel out of control and kind of ashamed of myself. I’d rather eat those calories in good nutritious food like a “normal” person than by crammin pretzels and PB into my mouth lol! So yeah. When will I learn?!? I guess it just takes practice….doing the hard thing and forcing yourself to eat the calories earlier in the day. Sometimes you’re hungry and its fine, sometimes you’re not and its a struggle. But the more we win, the less of these silly “binge” episodes we’ll have!

As one of my friends has been saying to me lately: “Decide you want it more than you are afraid of it”. If you want it enough, you can get over that fear! :) <3

And such a cute outfit + your hair looks awesome curly!!
Kate @ Chasing It recently posted..Falling Apart?!?

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69 Jillian @ DNA and Dessert December 7, 2011 at 11:52 am

Interesting perspective on binging. I have never thought about it as my body rebelling against not eating enough. Thanks for the thought. P.S. I’m seeing a nutritionist on the 19th and I’m excited. =D
Jillian @ DNA and Dessert recently posted..Behold The BLT(EF)

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70 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 8:51 pm

Ahh let me know how it goes!

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71 Professor Vegetable December 7, 2011 at 12:06 pm

I know that if I eat a bunch of junk food that I gotta not be mad at myself the next day.

I apologize, but how can you put KETCHUP ON SALAD???

Ketchup is weird!
Professor Vegetable recently posted..WIAW: Tuesday Edition

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72 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 12:41 pm

Hahhaa it’s sooo good :) I just love ketchup on pretty much everything though so I am a bit bias

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73 Liz @ Southern Charm December 7, 2011 at 12:13 pm

Yes, I have lost control many of times. As to shaking the guilt .. I’m still learning how to do that. It is a process to learn how to forgive yourself!

My favorite thing … at a party last night I have scallops wrapped in bacon. Omgeez. SO GOOD! I haven’t had bacon in forever!

One thing that I “know” but am still in the process of learning is how to beat my aniexty. I can go through years at a time where everything is under control, and then it’s not.
Liz @ Southern Charm recently posted..#Winning & WIAW

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74 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 8:51 pm

Umm yeah hi, that would have been my favorite thing too I am sure! I haven’t had bacon in soo long either, but I know I like it still

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75 Sara @my less serious life December 7, 2011 at 12:15 pm

Dear Tessa. I have so much to say because I relate to so much of this, but I want to keep my comment short. I HATE that you are struggling with these behaviors/thoughts/guilt/etc. It is a horrible feeling, I know. I am convinced you will come out of this sooner than you think and please know that all of us in blog land are thinking of you daily and cheering for you. I hope the rest of your week is brighter…
Sara @my less serious life recently posted..what i ate wednesday: issue 12

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76 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 8:53 pm

Well thank you for this encouragement Sara… I really do appreciate it
And my week has been a bit better thank you :)

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77 tea-bagginit December 7, 2011 at 12:19 pm

i’ve definitely binged before and it’s something that is so scary and so scarily common. i commend you on being so open because (i know from my own experience) that it can be very difficult. lately, i’ve been forcing myself to eat with other people and to be around my boyfriend during the periods in which i know i’m most tempted to binge (after dinner). that way, i can talk to him about my anxiety instead of taking it out on the fridge!
you’re awesome, don’t forget to let go of your guilt – you’re trying to recover and that’s the most important thing!
tea-bagginit recently posted..“I told you so” Bread Pudding

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78 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 8:59 pm

Oh yes after dinner is a scary time for me as well… it would be a good idea to be with others during this time!

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79 Nikki December 7, 2011 at 12:25 pm

You are beautiful! Love the curly hair!

My problem is more just strictly overeating. I am overly stressed these days and can’t fight the urge to eat. And then I regret it the next day, but still can’t stop the cycle! And the fact that I recognize I am doing it and still can’t stop makes it even harder!

Oh, but the nuts sound amazing! I need to find me some of those!

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80 lindsay December 7, 2011 at 12:44 pm

its such a daily battle, one that takes courage to overcome. You can do this. We all get stuck in our bad habits but waking up and starting over with new strength helps puts things back in perspective! Keep us posted Tessa. You are a great inspiration!
lindsay recently posted..Destination Fitness

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81 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 1:43 pm

Thank you Lindsay! Starting over with a new attitude is quite helpful

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82 Rachel December 7, 2011 at 1:00 pm

I don’t know how you do it, but your blog posts always seems to speak directly to how I am feeling and the process that I am going through. Just last night, I was fighting feelings of guilt over a binge, and reading your post really helps me. I stopped writing my blog because I became too stressed and pressured by trying to make it live up to everything I wanted it to be, but yours is one that I continue reading everyday (sometimes I read your posts more than once) because I really relate to what you are going through. Feeling connected to you in this way helps me more than you know (actually, you probably understand perfectly) so, I just wanted to thank you for everything you are doing for me. You truly are and inspiration!

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83 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 9:00 pm

Hi Rachel! I am sorry you stopped blogging :( What was the name of it again? Please refresh my memory!

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84 Sarah December 7, 2011 at 1:12 pm

*hugs*
Gosh.. the feeling of bingeing, or even just wanting to binge or anticipating it is a daunting feeling isnt it? Im sorry that you had a rough night. But you are so so right to shake it off today. Its a new day. Fresh start. And it was probably much needed for your body. Any time i feel anxious or that i ate too much. I always tell myself that 1- i probably needed it. and 2- it was a metabolism booster!

Hang in there love. Your doing amazing!
Sarah recently posted..Work it out

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85 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 9:01 pm

I will think of it as a metabolism booster, that definitely helps :)

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86 Sonia (the Mexigarian) December 7, 2011 at 1:26 pm

Binging is horrible. Trying to purge it, just as bad. My E.D involves some bulimia tendencies so it’s difficult to talk or write about. :\ In my disorder I tried to restrict as much as possible during the morning and into afternoon, and usually ended up binging in the evening. On my normal healthy days, I try to get in as many healthy filling calories in the morning as I can so I can have energy through the day, burning it off and eating a lean meal in the evening. Again, that’s on a good day. Seeing how I am having more bad than good, it’s been reversed and uh, uncomfortable.

Like others have suggested, trying eating more in the morning, more fibers and protein and then lean it out over the day into the evening. Perhaps that could help prevent any future binging.
Sonia (the Mexigarian) recently posted..WIAW. It’s beginning to look a lot like . . .

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87 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 1:42 pm

I am sorry you have had experiences with binging :( And I can understand that being tough to talk about as well!
But yes, eating more in the beginning of the day is definitely key

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88 Kaitlyn December 7, 2011 at 1:27 pm

Ugh, losing control around food….this is something I definitely have experience with. Once I have “completed” any binge, my first instinct is that I have to go workout really hard or run really far right away! This always seems to make it worse, because my stomach is usually not happy with me if I’ve stuffed it then gone and jossled it all around with a run. Recently, I have tried just sitting and allowing my body to slooowly process all those calories the best it can. This is still something I struggle with often, and I can definitely relate to how you described you felt both during and after. I’ve been told the key is to identify the emotion that sets off the binge, and try a different way of dealing with it….but this is also quite a struggle!! Sigh. Thank you so much for sharing this experience….its really helping me think through my own disordered eating thoughts.

On the bright side, were halfway through the week!!! :)

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89 X December 7, 2011 at 1:31 pm

I can’t exercise…so I end up sleeping or going to TV to ease the guilt.

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90 X December 7, 2011 at 1:28 pm

When will I learn?

What a good question and theme for a post.

You see, I’m like this too (have to eat enormous calories) but I’m “different” in that I’m not exercising (I want to …I simply…can’t). So the mind-guilt is worse.

I feel stuffed all during the day of course or eat the “wrong” things and “wrong” combos and “gigantic portions/serving sizes” of things, etc …makes it worse. Hunger….what’s that?

So then I end up binging at night (even though I’ve eat a LOT of calories all day…more than my family or athletes or bloggers or anyone) but I still binge (down and out, bored, emotional, wanting to finally “get on track”, etc…who knows)…but a binge is ALOT…and your episode was nothing…
I’m talking chocolate, dairy, nuts, crackers, cereal, anything “unhealthy”…then I wake up in the morning feeling lousy to greet another of no exercise and having to eat a lot (and therefore worsening my stomach my mood and the “wrongness” of it).

Magazines and TV and other bloggers are NOT good examples of “normal”. That is for sure. It bothers me how orthorexic and under-eating a lot of the blog-world is , so I am trying to not care or read certain things anymore. I don’t want to worry that I don’t buy or eat the “cleanest” ingredients or “organic, holy, pure” animal products …or granola bars with HFCS…I don’t want to worry about that and do it “right”.

The worse thing now is my stomach. Its so messed up. I know eventually one day it will be resilient again and “normal”…but its like its so confused right now and causes me much trouble. But I’m too stubborn to try to eat perfect.

But I do think it goes back to that article link that was on your blog before. Once you start going big, big, big (and rest…) then it gets on track…so you’re still eating “not perfect ” foods and still eating A LOT (way alot), and indulging, etc etc…but you won’t feel that guilty, crazy bingey feeling…you’d probably be eating the same “bingey” way –but you’d feel “better” about it because it all fits into the day and night without making you feel that “shamed” feeling. Hard to explain.

In the meantime ,I’m still out of control.

But, yeah, you can see things you need to do: example – add nut butter to your apple, whole eggs, add avocado and olive oil or some kind of oil to your salad, pour up a big bowl of that raisin bran with yogurt or whatever on the side of the salad, ….bigger night time snack (i swear my bedtime “snack” is the size of what some people eat in a day :(

But its like every day gets in the goofed up pattern…so time slips away and you’re no further ahead…and time adds up…wasted.

(none of this comes out right. you get me thinking about things because although we’re “different’ , I do relate to some of the words). …either way: my thoughts to you: eat MORE….(even at night)…don’t feel guilty….don’t try to “compensate”…it will be so rough to figure it out, but keep it up each day and maybe eventually eventually a pattern might fall into place (?).

(trust me: yours wasn’t even out-control-binging…no worries on that…I’m a poster girl for the worst of it).

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91 ~Jessica~ December 7, 2011 at 2:00 pm

I don’t think you should feel bad for what you ate, honestly I don’t.

I suffer from BED and have done for almost fifteen years now. I also ended up bingeing this WIAW, and…well, it’s an awful lot more than you ate! I appreciate the feelings of loss of control are the same, and I don’t mean to belittle your distress about the situation, but there’s such a big difference between eating more than you are used to, because your body needs it, in your case, and eating well beyond the point of pain, when you have no physical need for the food at all, as in mine.

Thank you for addressing the topic though – it’s nice to see one of the ‘cool’ bloggers talk about this, as opposed to the outsider freaks like me.
xxx
~Jessica~ recently posted..Training: I Cannot Be…

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92 tessa8m December 8, 2011 at 3:48 pm

I know you are not belittling the situation, and I really appreciate you sharing this with me. You are certainly not a “freak” Jessica!!

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93 Anna @ The Guiltless Life December 7, 2011 at 3:05 pm

Honestly, I can’t talk much because I don’t have an ‘eating disorder’ but I think we all suffer to some extent (well, not all but a LOT of girls!) from ‘disordered eating’ so I can definitely relate in some part, to those negative voices and being our own worst critic. I am sure it’s unbelievably tough and I bet it doesn’t feel like it, but I honestly think you’re doing a fabulous job. Just being so self-aware and knowing that those voices are bad is the toughest part, so although I’m sure it feels like an incredible uphill battle, it’ll pay off for you, I just know it! You’re putting in the hard work after all, and hard work always pays off in the end :).

Also, I know a lot of people who would find it easy to consume that many calories but that’s because they’d just feed themselves junk. While you find it harder to reach that number of calories eating quality food, I give major kudos to you for still eating nutrient-rich food. Maybe the junk food is too ‘scary’ for you, I’m not sure if it’s a trigger food for you or not, but either way it’s best out of your diet so well done for being so nutritious.

Plus, your curly hair is beautiful! :) xx
Anna @ The Guiltless Life recently posted..Christmas Cookie Times: Chocolate-Dipped Vanilla Walnut Biscotti

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94 Kiah December 7, 2011 at 3:14 pm

Wow Tessa, I am truly amazed by all the great conversation your posts spark…you right with such a “real” voice.
Soooo is your hair naturally curly or straight?
Kiah recently posted..two classy kids

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95 tessa8m December 8, 2011 at 3:47 pm

My hair is naturally curly :) I just give it a bit of help with some mouse

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96 Tracy December 7, 2011 at 3:52 pm

Loving the awkward opening :))

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97 Beth December 7, 2011 at 4:14 pm

-What are some things you “know” but are still in the process of learning them? I know I need to incorporate more healthy fats into my everyday meals instead of going a week without them then binging on them the next. (ie like last night and this morning with peanut butter…once I start I can’t stop then I feel like a fatty.) I need to love my body too…its all a work in progress.

-Is there something in your life that this question could be applied to… When will I learn…? Yes! When will I love my body and not be defined by numbers on the scale. Lately I’ve been feeling very down about about my body….and I haven’t been able to shake it off. Last’s night/this morning’s pb binge made it worse.

-Losing control around food umm sucks. Have you ever done this, and if so, how do you shake the guilt? I unfortunately have lost control many of times, but to some extent its due to restricting certain foods items or groups. I know this but don’t put it into practice. In past I would exercise like crazy then only eat veggies and protein because I strayed from the “right” path. Today I did not exercise one bit, its hard though. Not gonna lie, been having those fatty comments go through my head all day but I am reaching the point where I am fed up with the way I treat my body. Enough is enough, I need to find balance.. Sorry for the novel! :)

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98 Daybelis martinez December 7, 2011 at 4:23 pm

I know exactly how you feel Hun but you know what don’t beat yourself up. these past few days I’ve managed to up my calories by increasing my breakfast significantly. before my breakfast was usually 300 cal and now it’s close to 600.I eat 1/ 2 cup oats ( 150)cooked with 1/2 cup water and milk 1 banana (100) 1 tbsp pb (100) mixed with 2 tbsp egg whites(30) and 2 tbsp of oval tine(40) all topped with 2 tbsp wheat germ(50) oh and of course as another topping 1/4 cup cottage cheese and coffee with milk. Yes it is alot but you know what it fuels my body for a great morning workout and it makes my meal planning less stressful.I have a long way to go but I’m taking it one step at a time remember we never learned how to walk without falling more than once. Blessings love xoxo….p.s thanks for the fb add lol

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99 tessa8m December 8, 2011 at 3:46 pm

I will try and eat more in the morning… I know this will help me out so much. Your breakfast sounds like a good one!

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100 Julia December 7, 2011 at 4:27 pm

I am all about huge salads..you should see my dinner salad..it’s like a mountain! haha And watermelon in the winter?? Awesome! lol You cant beat that!

Your hair looks adorable curly! I’ve always wanted to have curly hair..but I got stuck with straight hair.
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101 tessa8m December 8, 2011 at 3:46 pm

Straight hair rocks too m’dear :)

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102 Jen H. December 7, 2011 at 4:35 pm

Hey Tessa! This popped up on my twitter newsfeed so I decided to check it out :) 2,000 calories SEEMS to be the magic number for MOST people, but a lot of what I’ve been learning this past semester is that people are individuals and need to be treated as such. Making generalizations about diet, drugs, etc. can actually harm people if they do not fall near averages. You’re a taller person, meaning that you automatically have more fat-free mass (muscle, bone, etc.) than most. I don’t know if you’ve learned a lot about basal metabolic rate, but fat-free mass is a HUGE determinant of BMR. So, you burn more calories just by sitting and being alive than most people do :) AND you also exercise waaaaaay more than the average person. Being out of college athletics has made me realize that what someone else (never college athlete) considers a work-out is not really what we would consider a work-out, lol. So, try not to get too hung up on what other people consider the norm because it really doesn’t apply to everyone :) I seem to have never-ending notes on metabolism and things like that if you are ever interested or feel like it would help you understand things better, and thus recover.

Side note: the salad looks DELICIOUS!

Keep doing what you need to do for yourself :)

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103 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 10:01 pm

Hi Jen!!
It’s so nice to hear from you, thank you for stopping by zeee ole blog and sharing your thoughts here! When I first saw your name I was a bit nervous about what you might think of all of this…as you know me! But I have realized that at this point “this” the disordered thinking is me, and I am working on getting over it of course. You might not have known this was all going on when we were on the team together, but man oh man… it was the worst junior year especially!
Thank you for the input on this. I know you are one smart lady so if you are telling me this, I know it is true :)
I know some stuff about BMR and such, but could always learn more. I will definitely hit you up for some more info sometime!
p.s. How the heck are you!? Your Facebook updates tell me you are quite busy :(

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104 Liz @ IHeartVegetables December 7, 2011 at 4:35 pm

I’m sorry it was sort of a rough day :( I’ve definitely had days like this before and it sucks. I don’t mind eating all the calories I need, but I don’t like feeling out of control while I’m getting them. I’ve definitely been known to be “under” my calories for the day, and then knock out half a box of cereal. Not a good habit! But hang in there, you’re getting there! Don’t give up!
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105 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 9:57 pm

Ahh yes to cereal… I have done that before too… whoops where did the remaining 3/4 of my cereal just go?! oops

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106 Hannah December 7, 2011 at 7:18 pm

Oh my gosh Tessa your posts always resonate with me. Although I’ve never had a “binge” (classified by consuming large amounts of food, correct?) I have done “autopilot” eating where I want to try things together and eat because I feel like I might not allow myself to later. I know you’ve posted about babysitting tasting and I still do that! Part of it is probaby because I am hungry being there from 330 to 630 and not having eaten since lunch around 1, but why do I feel the need to try everything? I feel really guilty and still do it.
It’s like this stage though- the one where we know we need to eat more and so do our bodies, but we are trying so desperately not to but it doesn’t work. It’s how I get when I try to skip a meal. I nibble things and taste things, and sure, it isn’t a “real plated” meal, but it’s calories all the same. I’d have been better off having a “meal” of actually something than trying to deny my hunger. At this point in my recovery, it just doesn’t work.
I think you’re doing great. Processing all of this on your blog is a wonderful thing and you probably know how many people you help (myself included) by tallying your experiences for us all on here. It takes courage to admit them to youself and put them out there and I value that in you. You’re so amazing and strong and gosh beautiful! I am so glad we are friends and that you’re here for all of us bloggers struggling and recovering along with you.
We need to give ourselves grace. I try hard, and I think you do as well.
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107 Chelsea @ The Nut Butter Runner December 7, 2011 at 7:18 pm

Sorry about the struggles. :( At least today is a new day and I’m sure yesterday gave you a better perspective! I loooove your hair, it’s so cute! I also really want to try those almonds.. They look delicious, dude. Wanna know what else was delish? The mint fudge I just had.
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108 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 9:56 pm

Mint fudge? Yeah, I bet that was good :)

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109 Michelle @ Oats n' Bows December 7, 2011 at 8:00 pm

I love your posts! I love how you keep fighting no matter what and always work on keeping your head above water :) And I love your curly hair

I want to get into my bathing suit, and swim in your bowl of watermelon and pineapple… if I weren’t allergic. But it looks so good, I’m willing to risk that.
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110 Chloe@LightOnMyFeet December 7, 2011 at 8:05 pm

Aw, Tess, I’m so sorry you binged and had to feel that way. Just remember that the feeling won’t last forever, when you reach your goal your body will balance it out and take what it needs (which is the right amount of calories for you to remain healthy!) Also, when I was in my gaining weight process I would have the mindset that if I ate a bigger breakfast/lunch earlier in the day then I would burn more off and my calories would be used more for energy than for actual weight gain. I don’t really know if that’s true but it really helped me mentally to get more calories in. Just try and get more calories in earlier in the day so you don’t have to worry about binge eating at night. Best wishes to you, Tessa! :)
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111 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 9:55 pm

That actually sounds like a great way of thinking about this! I shall try it, I mean why not? :)

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112 Kaitlyn December 8, 2011 at 7:49 am

This is a really great idea! (consuming more calories in the AM). I’ve tried it a few times, and it always seems boost my energy levels for the day – for instance, I’ll add some peanut or almond butter and a banana to what would usually be a serving of plain oatmeal – delicious!

113 Brittany @ Itty Bits of Balance December 7, 2011 at 8:21 pm

Every time I come to your blog I feel like I’m hit smack in the face with a heavy dose of reality. Your posts are SO brutally honest and I can’t help but to feel like I’m in your shoes!

Girly, you WILL learn! There will be a day that you will get a hang of this calorie counting thing, no matter how impossible it may seem at the moment. Keep with it, stay strong, and continue noshing ;)
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114 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 9:54 pm

It does seem impossible, but I believe you Brittany! Thanks girl :)

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115 Paulina (One Smile Ahead) December 7, 2011 at 8:53 pm

Aw Tessa, you know I think we all learn from our mistakes :] There’s always a next day and a fresh new start. I’m really glad you shook the guilt off the next morning. I’m currently trying to up my intake as well, and it can definitely be quite hard, but I’ve found that spacing the extra amount throughout the entire day works best. It’s also easier if you try having more denser foods that aren’t quite as voluminous. I hope these suggestions can help you because they’ve certainly been very useful to me :]
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116 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 9:53 pm

The suggestions certainly help! I am going to try to make some serious (good) changes tomorrow

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117 Melissa December 7, 2011 at 9:08 pm

Tessa-

Don’t be hard on yourself girly! I know it is so tough, especially aftewards/ the next day with conflict ED thoughts filling your head but be proud that you realized you didn’t reach your target and kept trying to. I have found that it gets harder before it gets easier i.e. your rational head battles the ED voice and it gets harder to listen to the ED voice but I think it means you are getting stronger! I don’t know what else to say but I hope that the rest of your week is filled with positivity and strength!

I am not sure what my schedule is like for pizza but we will figure something out!

Good luck- you can do it!

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118 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 9:53 pm

Thank you Melissa :) And I hope the rest of your week is fantastic as well lady
Yeah let me know about this weekend!

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119 Brittany December 7, 2011 at 9:16 pm

Ugh this whole “what you should consume” shit has never sat well with me. The average number they give you is based off the average american, but the average americans these days are far from “healthy.” If this high calorie diet is what’s really working for you, then of course I say stick with it..but I find it hard to push you in saying continue on eating when you’re not hungry! I am a firm believer of eat when you are hungry, and stop when you are not. Then again..I am not a doctor or a nutritionist..but it just rubs me wrong telling someone to keep eating just to reach a number.! Do what you feel is right, but don’t beat yourself up if you don’t get that one number!

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120 Kellie December 7, 2011 at 9:28 pm

I understand what you are saying here about not eating if you aren’t hungry, but I think people with ED are not in touch with their hunger and fullness cues. That is why a food plan is so important for those who are starting recovery. Obviously Intuitive Eating is the goal, but I was told by my RD that is a long way off. I know that sometimes I feel like I shouldn’t eat extra, but because of the damage I have done to my body and my lack of a period still, I need the extra calories for repair. I just don’t want someone in recovery to assume that they should not eat their caloric goal because they don’t feel hunger. Unfortunately that is not possible in the beginning.

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121 X December 7, 2011 at 9:45 pm

I agree Kellie. I see Brittany’s point completely: I think it all the time and its why I feel so so much guilt and shame because I’m not “natural” and I force.

The problem with me is that my body is literally wrecked (no exercise anymore even). And I don’t know what I really *like*…like I don’t know what I crave or what breakast I love the most or what this or that…I just don’t know anymore. I still eat way too much and bedtime and I know I have lots of guilt for things like carbs and chocolate (since I’m sedentary and gaining..double whammy). But yeah, the body becomes a lot more wrecked and if its not fixed (I fear I am too too late unlike these young girls) then its only gonna get worse.

122 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 9:52 pm

I wish I had stuck with that philosophy when I was younger… eat when you are hungry, stop when you are full. So easy! But of course so darn complicated

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123 Tara December 7, 2011 at 9:45 pm

I’m sorry you felt so out of control. That happened to me too when I had to increase the calories. It’s not something you should be ashamed of. I think your body needed it. It was just one day, and even if it does happen a few times you will be okay because like I said, your body needs it right now. It’s screaming for that. I try to balance out how many calories I’ll eat at each time of day in advanced to keep my energy going all day and meet the amount I need. It seems to work well and keeps me satisfied and happy, and I’m not rigid about it so if I need more or less (but not because of disordered thoughts!!) I am flexible about it.

I’ve had both flavors of almonds and I actually prefer butter toffee! They’re both really good though :)
Tara recently posted..WIAW is getting ugly.

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124 tessa8m December 8, 2011 at 3:44 pm

I think planning in advance will really help me out with this… I always think I know what to do, but I don’t usually follow through!
And I am rethinking that the butter toffee ones might be better…. just retired them today!

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125 Tara December 8, 2011 at 4:08 pm

I read an article about sports nutrition today that made me think of you and totally kicked my butt into gear (it’s a rest day and my mind gets icky sometimes). I’m on my phone now so I can’t link to it, but I’m including it in my post tonight so hopefully you get a chance to check it out! That and I’ve been reading all the comments on this post because they are so helpful. I still struggle every now and then so it’s great to see everyone’s input!!
Tara recently posted..WIAW is getting ugly.

126 Skye December 7, 2011 at 10:00 pm

I had to debate with myself before posting this because I might come off as a total jerk or ignorant but I feel very strongly about this issue and think you might find it helpful. I really, really, really, reallyy REALLYYYYYYY recommend reading the book “Intuitive Eating” to you (http://www.intuitiveeating.org/) Your body (and mine, and everyone else’s) knows exactly what it needs. It’s smart. It doesn’t follow a specific number for calories. Sometimes the body asks for more food because it needs it, other times less because it doesn’t need it. I know and understand the issues you are going through- I went through them myself and am also trying to get my period back- but I don’t believe that it is right to overeat or eat when you’re not hungry just because you have to hit a certain number, or to not eat if you are hungry. It’s not natural. I had thoughts like you did all the time, some days I would skip dinner or try to stay under 800 calories, other days I binged. But I read the book and it’s made a world of difference. Your body knows how to heal itself and take care of itself and it will tell you what it needs, you just have to listen to it. Completely disregard this if it offends you in any way
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127 tessa8m December 7, 2011 at 10:05 pm

Hi Skye!
First of all, this certainly does not offend me! I am not easily offended by input like this because I know you are suggesting something that could help me. I don’t exactly understand when people get really pissed about something like this… but I suppose it has to do with a state of denial. So thank you for this.
Anyway, I have read that book! However, I read through it really really fast and actually have been going back through it on occasion. I talk about the chapters here on the blog and how I am working through particularly important issues to me. It really is a helpful book though and should take it to heart!
Thanks again for the suggestion and also stopping by :)

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128 Katie @ Nutrition in a peanut shell December 7, 2011 at 10:02 pm

Wow, Tessa, you don’t know how much I identify with this at the moment. I always eat dinner and then realize “oh- I’m way under calories” and I start this binge…but I’m never full. It’s disgusting. Seeing your strength and hope though is really inspiring. I hope soon the voices will cease to say you are a “lardo” and “fat”, and rather what you truly are: a powerful, in control woman :)
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129 Jenn @ Peas and Crayons December 7, 2011 at 10:29 pm

you’re learning more and more each and every day beautiful =) Reading your post made me realize that 1. i need those almonds in my life stat and 2. (on a more serious note) that when I realize i have many many calories left in my total to consume, I go into “reward mode” and go overboard. and in my case, i usually go over the amount of calories my body needs b/c i try one thing… doesnt hit the spot — try another.. still want something diff, and then i keep testing foods to figure out what i really indeed wanted. i go for sweet then salty then savory and back again. not all the time, but when you mentioned that — it reminded me that it does happen! I think to all of us, the reward trigger in the brain is one tricky pain in ze butt! anywho! as always i’m rambling away on your bloggy! love you mucho! keep kicking ass and taking names lovey! <3
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130 tessa8m December 8, 2011 at 3:42 pm

Hhhaa you made me laugh Jenn…pain in zeee butt indeed! I love the rambling lady :)

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131 Alexandra December 7, 2011 at 10:39 pm

Hey Tessa,
I think you are doing great! Keep up the superb work and thank you so much for your honest posts. I’m going through something similar to you right now… must eat more, but its SO hard. Silly ED thoughts creep up ALL the time. I totally relate with you, that knowing something, and doing something are definately two different things. Sometimes I try and distract myself when eating (watching tv) or eat with a family member or friend, and try to eat similar things to them. It doesnt always work 100%, but I think it helps me eat a few more calories. I also like carrying around pre packaged snacks and setting alarms on my phone for when to eat (even if im not really hungry). I know it sounds strange and again, doesnt work 100% of the time, but when it does work I know I’m doing something positive for my health.
When I lose control around food I shake it by going to the gym (I just do my usualy workout- nothing I wouldnt normally do) and then making my next meal count. I make my next meal healthy, calorie dense and protein dense. Knowing I just did 2 things that are good for my body help me outweigh the previous loss of control in my mind.
Best thing I ate all week: greek yogurt with pumpkin mixed in, pinch of cinnamon and nutmeg, and sprinkling of raisins, nuts, raw oats and chia seeds. Om nom nom.
Sorry for the long comment, lol.
Love your blog, keep sharing, and best of luck with school!

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132 tessa8m December 8, 2011 at 7:04 am

Hi Alexandra!
First, thank you so very much for stopping by and reading by blog!
You are quite right, ED thoughts creep up constantly… it’s a bit scary sometimes! I think these are really great suggestions! When I am alone or not distracted by anything I am more aware of what I am eating (which can be a good thing in some situations) but right now it is not the best for me. I am uncomfortable eat a whole lot so it would be better to get used to having that amount without being too aware of it.
And please don’t apologize for the long comment (wasn’t long btw :) ) I really appreciate your input!

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133 Kat @ a dash of fairydust December 7, 2011 at 11:40 pm

“When will I learn that restricting my food intake does NOT help me coping with negative emotions?” would be an addition of mine…
When I feel bad,worthless,lonely and ugly,I tend to eat less than usual because a part of me is still thinking it will make me feel better to do so. Which – of course – is absolute crap!
But hey,Tessa,I can really observe a big progress,you’ve come a lot farther by now! So please don’t be so hard with yourself. Keep fighting,I love your beautiful smile and I know I will definitely see it more often when you stop worrying so much. ;)
Kat @ a dash of fairydust recently posted..Advent calendar guts.

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134 tessa8m December 8, 2011 at 3:41 pm

Oh yes that is certainly an addition of mine too! I am psyched to stop worrying so much as a matter of fact :)

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135 hil December 8, 2011 at 12:29 am

hey tessa, i’ve never commented before but this post really stands out. very brave of you to share your struggles and thoughts on this. i have been trying to get “back on track” with eating properly for almost 3 years now and am just sort of starting to be okay with eating more during the day (i used to eat next to nothing during the day and then have a “big” dinner and a night snack that sometimes led to a “binge”…) anyway since i’ve started eating more at breakfast i have had so much more energy and actually lost a bit of weight (which was not my intention, but my point is i think you just really need to eat a lot in the morning to get your metabolism up and added bonus you won’t be so likely to experience the desperate and out of control feeling at night). all this is totally easier said than done though, but hang in there!!

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136 tessa8m December 8, 2011 at 7:17 am

Hi Hil!
Thank you for your comment, I really appreciate your input here. Even though I know it was not your intention to lose weight (it’s not mine either btw!) it does help me to hear experiences like yours! I am so “afraid” of blowing up like a fat balloon from even the slightest change, but deep down I know this is not going to happen. I am excited to have more energy, especially in them morning!

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137 hil December 9, 2011 at 12:03 am

i was so afraid of “blowing up” as you put it too. the key for me was eating protein and healthy fat in the morning not fruit or cereal :)

138 Eleanor@eatinglikeahorse December 8, 2011 at 1:54 am

I’d imagine that because the habit of restricting got so firmly entrenched, it will take time to break it and form a new habit and that you’re on the way to it… it’s so hard to change your lifestyle but you are getting there :-)
I think that if you’re counting calories to make sure you get enough rather than to restrict, it’s got to be a good thing too.
And I’ve just read a post in which the author said when she had her eating disorder, she thought she was in control but actually wasn’t, it was the ED that was… so I wouldn’t worry about this binge showing lack of control; it’s probably more a sign that the ED’s losing control, if that makes any sense!
And gorgeous picture, you look lovely with curly hair :-)
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139 Kris | iheartwellness.com December 8, 2011 at 1:58 am

I love you girl! I love your honesty, your love and your passion! You asked “When” and really I believe it comes down to making that decision that you will do ______. You are full of self love that is just waiting to consume you and this is when the calmness will come.

xxoo
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140 tessa8m December 8, 2011 at 3:27 pm

Thank you lady, that is a rather nice message for me to read :)

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141 CJ @ http://healthy-happy-whole.com/ December 8, 2011 at 6:46 am

Oh hunni I know how it is when u feel like u were so out of control totally binged and just ruined everything, but u actually probably gave your body everything it NEEDED. You are doing so well and I am so proud of you! Not to mention you look fabulously beautiful with those curls! I hope you are feeling better girl because u did exactly what u were supposed to do it just feels abnormal! Imright here with you :-)
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142 Chelsea @ One Healthy Munchkin December 8, 2011 at 7:30 am

I can totally relate to this post!!! When I was in the process of recovering and my doctors told me to eat more, I was sooo torn between wanting to get better and wanting to keep on restricting. But I was just so hungry from my months of restricting that I ended up binging. When I binged, in a way it was just to “get it over with” and eat all my calories at once… it felt less “real” than if I ate properly throughout the day. Also, I would binge more when I was in the presence of friends and family as if to prove to them that I was eating enough. But once I started spreading my calories throughout the day and stabilized my metabolism, I stopped! I know you’ll get to that point too Tessa! :) I feel like the binging is just a normal stage in recovery and then once you get past it, you’re just THAT much closer to being recovered!

Both those almond flavours look sooo good! But we don’t get those products in Canada! :( I think I need to make a trip to the US to buy the HUGE list of American food products that I want to buy hahaha.
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143 tessa8m December 8, 2011 at 3:27 pm

That’s definitely a good thought Chelsea.. that it is just a normal part of recovery. I think looking at it that way will help make this process suck less!

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144 Maxime December 8, 2011 at 8:50 am

Awkward opening lines FTW! :D I’d just like to say: Tessa, you are amazing and I think you are really,really pretty (okay this sounds a bit crazy and inappropriate :p I’m just trying to say every time I see your posts I wonder: how can this girl have such a negative image of her body when she’s so pretty!!) You will beat this, cause you’re strong enough to beat it!!
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145 tessa8m December 8, 2011 at 3:22 pm

Aww girl thank you for saying that to me :) Helps me counteract a poop mood!

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146 Chels December 8, 2011 at 11:50 am

Been there done that…starts with one bite of cake and the next thing you know I am shoving food down my mouth right and left. Moderation is so hard sometimes, to just know when to say stop. Reminding myself of the guilt I will feel afterwords helps a lot. Also, trying to remove myself from the area. I might go for a walk, call a friend or family member…do something so I am no longer around the food. Becoming engaged has really helped 100%. My fiance is always around, I could not imagine shoving food down my face in front of him. On the other hand, I know how you feel about eating a certain amount. I am having a hard time eating 1,700 cals just because I am not working out. The guilt is horrible and every social event of my life I dread because I can’t work off the calories. Day by day, I think once I hopefully see that there is no real weight gain from eating at maintance I will be okay and up my cals a little more from there. It is so hard to lose the control we love to have over our bodies.

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147 Sophie @ LoveLiveAndLearn December 8, 2011 at 1:01 pm

Oh I’m sorry you struggled so much Tessa :-(
But don’t let it get you down, you are doing so SO well!
And you are (as I always say) incredibly inspiring!
One of my favourite things about your blog is your honesty, so many people would not admit to things like this, but you always do and you do it with such strength and positivity.
I can empathize because lately I’ve found myself binging because I’m scared that I’ll go the other way and restrict and I know that would be wrong – very twisted mind frame when it comes to my body!
But you know what Tessa, you are beautiful! I love that photo of you, you look gorgeous and healthy, and your hair is just lovely :-)
Stay strong <3
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148 tessa8m December 8, 2011 at 3:38 pm

Well what a nice message Sophie, thank you for making me smile :) I feel ya on the twisted mind frame though…completely as a matter of fact! But we both can get through it and stop these crazy cycles we put ourselves through <3

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149 Sarah (Every Day's a Picnic) December 8, 2011 at 1:28 pm

I thought that this was such a powerful post because it shows how difficult it is to take control of your health and make the changes that you know that you need to. It might seem like a no-brainer, but there’s so many other emotions wrapped up with it, especially guilt. I think you’re completely right that letting go of the guilt is key, but it’s not easy!
I think you’re doing so well xxx
Sarah (Every Day’s a Picnic) recently posted..Sightseeing In Rome

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150 tessa8m December 8, 2011 at 3:17 pm

Oh yes guilt certainly is a prevalent emotion here… hard to shake, that is for sure!

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151 Lena @Fit on the Rocks December 8, 2011 at 1:50 pm

I’m proud of you for trying really hard even if you’re still short. That number sounds so crazy to me too! When I first started pushing myself toward the 1800-2000 cal mark (I’m not nearly as active as you are), I had to keep eating random things just to get there after all of the meals I had already eaten. It’s a tricky balance, and I know you’ll get there!
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152 tessa8m December 8, 2011 at 3:15 pm

Hey Lena! A tricky balance indeed.. just have to keep workin toward it I suppose

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153 Lauren December 8, 2011 at 2:27 pm

This happens to me almost every night.
That stupid voice that is soooo happy to be under the calorie amount. Then, the guilt. The guilt of knowing I will not get better doing this. Enter: Beast mode. Outcome? More guilt.

I think no matter what I do, I just beat myself up over everything. I’m always guilty about SOMETHING. Hmmm
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154 tessa8m December 8, 2011 at 3:14 pm

I understand Lauren, I feel guilty constantly too :(

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155 X December 8, 2011 at 9:27 pm

I did it again Tessa…another 3 nights in a row..an insane amount of calories afer 11 pm…including sweets and carbs…i don’t know what’s worse : the guilt and shame or the lousy stomach feeling..

I know one thing for certain: I have (must) stop reading certain blogs…i am truly sick and tired of feeling so bad about myself because everyone either exercises, or eats extremely clean, or eats…nothing…so exhausting.

So sorry…I felt this need to get it out. I ;ll stop now! But, yeah…the binging…won’t stop..

maybe its better to accept it…let oneself do it for months or years or however long it takes to finally feel the freedom and stuff…we spend so many years in our food-muddled minds, no wonder it has to take so so long to straighten it all out.

156 Kaitlyn@TheTieDyeFiles December 8, 2011 at 3:26 pm

Don’t beat yourself up love. We all have those days! I’ve binged CRAZY amounts. Remember, this is a learning experience. You’re not expected to do everything right all at once. You’ll get there, and consciousness is your first step.
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157 Lindsey @ Happy or Hungry December 8, 2011 at 9:06 pm

Holy comments Batman! You are quite the popular little minx ;)
You look beautiful! I love your hair curly! You are making me wish I had curly hair. But noooope, just straight.
I have never heard of those flavoured Blue Diamond drinks… I hope they have them in Canada, I am totally going to hunt for them!
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158 tessa8m December 8, 2011 at 10:07 pm

Yesss… they are certainly worth the hunt!

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159 Grace December 8, 2011 at 11:44 pm

Hey Tessa! I haven’t commented before but I am a fairly long-time reader.

First off, I am also recovering from an eating disorder, and I can relate so much to the descriptions you provided that depict the thoughts that go through your mind. In this post though, it really hit home with me! I, too, often go through the day eating “safely,” and at the end of the day I get caught up in all the numbers and feelings, and my mind just wants to let go! I then eat “unsafely”, specifically “unsafe” foods and “unsafe” amounts.

I’m not sure if what I do is considered binging, and I’m not sure if what you experienced was binging either (I’m not an expert on binging), but I can totally relate nonetheless. It actually comforts me knowing that there are others out there experiencing these things during recovery. As someone mentioned in the comments above, I also believe that this is truly a part of recovery from an ED. We go through pretty long periods of time holding onto that control…but a lot of the times it catches up with us and then we just, well, eat. We let go. The hard part is then stopping the ongoing cycle of wanting to go back to those disorded habits again and hold on tightly for “safety.” That also requires us to stop beating ourselves up about “mistakes” and episodes of “losing control.”

I noticed you and some other commenters referred to what occurred on this night were describing it as “losing control.” But I really felt the need to comment and remind you and whoever else that is struggling with these same things that this is NOT “losing control.” We are in a process of regaining our self back and discovering the REAL us (without the baggage that comes with with disordered eating)… It is a process. In processes like this, you are going to have to make so-called “mistakes” and learn to make your way through them. THAT is how you make progress. Your mind screams and whispers things like “Full. Bloated. Ashamed. Out of control. Disgusted. FAT.”, but the reality is, that part of your mind is LYING. It is WRONG. We can’t be afraid of losing control and making mistakes… because the only way we can beat all of this is to lose control until we realize there was never any control in the first place.

You aren’t in or out of control; you’re learning to be IN CHARGE.

All the best to you,
Grace

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160 tessa8m December 10, 2011 at 2:48 pm

Hi Grace!
First, thank you so so much for stopping by my blog and reading a bit about me! That means a lot that you have taken the time to do so, and I appreciate it :)
I am glad you mentioned about the in-control piece and how in fact it might not be related to all of this… well more so that it’s actually just part of the process. My mind is wrong quite often about all of this, and I am glad to hear input on this. I could always use advice
Thank you Grace and continue to keep up the great work girl!

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161 Jessy (squeezetheday) December 9, 2011 at 7:16 am

I’m sorry to hear you’re still struggling. Have you thought of eating more calorie-dense foods (nut butters etc.) and maybe some ”unhealthy” ones? You seem to eat a lot of voluminous foods (tons of vegetables, Kashi Go Lean cereal, …) that make you feel bloated and it makes it hard for you to reach your calorie goal.

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162 tessa8m December 10, 2011 at 2:50 pm

Yeah eating more energy-dense foods is the way to go… otherwise you are right, the bloated feeling will definitely be there!

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163 Living, Learning, Eating December 9, 2011 at 11:17 am

You are lovely, remember that! If you go for energy denser stuff during the day (throwing some oil on that salad, eating it with a roll and dried fruits, instead of watermelon, etc.) you’ll be able to avoid the binge that you *needed* to get your calories in. You’ll have them in and your body will know it! Good luck. :)
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164 Caitlyn December 10, 2011 at 9:01 pm

Hey Tessa! I just ran into your blog and couldn’t help commenting on your post. I was in your same boat a few months ago. I had been trying to gain weight but vowed to do it healthfully. After 3 years of trying to put on a few pounds, I was not making much progress. Frustration would be an understatement! If I didn’t think I ate enough during the day I would stuff face at night. I felt like I would completely lost control. The next morning I would feel guilty and miserable and eat less for breakfast at lunch to compensate for my binge. The cycle continued. If I could go back in time, I would add more calorie dense foods the salads I had daily for lunch…things I loved to eat like almond butter on whole wheat bread! :-) Whatever you do, make sure you feel good! I know it can be frustrated, but keep your chin up and enjoy everything you eat! You’re doing great, girl!
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165 tessa8m December 10, 2011 at 9:26 pm

Hi Caitlyn!
First, thank you for stopping by and reading my thoughts on this! Gosh I know that cycle… I mean I don’t do what I did here too often, but it does happen and I can see how it can so easily turn into a “cycle.”
That extra addition earlier in the day would be so helpful and I know great for my body :)

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166 Mrs. W December 11, 2011 at 1:30 am

I really, really feel for you. I have struggled with binge eating for many years, but it was initially triggered during my recovery from anorexia. Fortunately I recovered from the eating disorder, but the binge eating has stayed with me through the years. I wish I could offer you some advice, but for now, all I can say is that I know exactly how you feel and I have so much compassion for you! Stay strong, girl!
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167 tessa8m December 11, 2011 at 8:28 am

Aww I am sorry you are struggling with this too! You stay strong too though, and we can overcome this <3

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