Top of the Mornin to Yeee!
I hope everyone had a nice weekend with whatever you did! After a rather long and boring night of work on Friday, my Saturday and Sunday were much better- productive day on Saturday followed by a lovely day visit to my dad and step mom’s house for family meal. As I alluded to in Friday’s post, it was the perfect time to get my chef on, and I ended up contributing three dishes to the meal.
Recipes and other foodie related items coming at you on Wednesday… different subject for today
I actually began writing this post on Saturday, when I had some free time and also found myself a bit nervous for the party the next day. I am sure you can guess the reasons behind this trepidation- the food… the unknown of what exactly I would be eating at their house, how it was prepared, what ingredients were used, now much OIL/BUTTER in a dish I had no control over… What food will be there that I am “okay” eating or that will lead to me gaining weight if even a taste is consumed?
I have been through this before. How going out to eat, over to other people’s houses for a dinner party, or any other event that involves food, gives me anxiety. I hate not knowing what is in the meal I am about to consume… how many fat grams and calories have managed to sneak its way in and will eventually be inside me.
Sure I could eat “safe” foods before and simply not eat while I am there.
But I have come far enough in my recovery to understand how wrong this is on every level and that challenging myself on numerous occasions has been the main reason for my progress. However, the anxiety of going somewhere where food is out of my control is still a huge concern of mine. Even if it is somewhere familiar (like my dad’s) where I know there are always healthy choices and everyone there is in good physical shape… the anxiety is inevitable.
This all boils down to the same absurd, incorrect and illogical thinking-
- If I eat (pretty much) anything that is beyond my “safe” and healthy foods, I will gain weight, become even more unhappy than I am now, no one will like me, etc. (this has improved a whole lot though!)
- The higher-calorie or different food will catch up… perhaps not right away, but eventually the pounds will be seen.
- That is why I must stick with healthy foods all of the time! Sugar, chocolate, butter, fats, carbs… these just do not work in my body. I will gain weight no matter how much or little I eat, so I ought to just stay away from them all together!
- What about moderation and balance you ask? Or the idea that since I eat healthy a majority of the time it will all even out in the end? Sorry but no, these don’t work for my body for some reason. I am different, the exception. Yeah I know it sucks, but it’s the way it is, so I am must be virtuous and careful with my food all of the time.
- If I make too many changes the weight will come on before I even understand or realize what has happened.
- Must keep exercising at an intense level a majority of the time or even the healthy foods will begin to “catch up” and the blubber will accumulate around my mid-section (always there!).
- Must monitor all of the time. Even one day, one slip up, one meal… will ruin everything.
More or less, these are the types of thoughts that surge through my mind when I am faced with a challenging situation involving food. The conversation I have within me sometimes is so completely absurd, wrong, DISORDERED.
The disordered thoughts all narrow down to the same idea- I do not trust my body.
-I do not trust it to process nutrients and calories in the “correct way”… meaning I hang onto the notion that just a bit too much of anything will lead to weight gain.
-I do not trust it to tell me when it’s hungry- how can I always be this hungry?!
-I do not trust it to tell me when it needs rest- you lazy slob you JUST took a rest day yesterday, and you need another one? I don’t think so.
-I do not trust it to allow for a few treats and indulgences…at all- You know what that one cookie is going to do to you don’t you? Yep straight to your belly, thighs, back, arms.
-I do not trust it to reach a “happy” weight, a comfortable weight where I will not have to work so hard for.
-I do not trust it to give me back my period, and that the only way is to gain 30, 40, 50 more pounds.
Trusting?! What is this you speak of?
Yeah, it’s time to turn this logic around, because my poor body has been suffering for far too long. In fact, there might be something to this whole “trusting your body” thing after all.
My mind is quite fantastic at telling my body what I do and do not need. I DON’T need rest, fatty/sugary/calorie-filled foods (ever), or anything food that is just not safe enough. I DO need- plenty of intense exercise, healthy/nutritious food (constantly), and I DO need to always stay on a plan.
Because otherwise (in my mind) the dreaded fear will come true- I will steadily lose control, gain weight, and my life will fall apart.
Maybe it’s time to shake things up a bit though, stop going by what my mind says, and instead focus on my body. Focus on the fact that, despite the notion that I so desperately hang onto, my body might actually know what to do.
If it’s telling me I need more food for a day, well then I guess that is the case. Perhaps an extra 1, 2, 5(?!) days of rest from exercising will do wonders for both my mental and physical self. And what about if it is telling me I need a big ole piece of chocolate cake with ice cream on top, or a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie… would that be okay? It might even be craving fresh vegetables, healthy fats, and sweet fruits! Is it alright to crave those as well?
Yes it must be okay, because this is what my physical self is telling me it needs right now and I want my mind to stop fighting against my body. Trust is hard, but it is both possible and necessary. If I never learn this lesson, how can I ever truly break free from this illness that has continued to consume me?
It’s time to take chances, challenge myself even more to prove to my irrational mind that the occasional treat, change in my routine, extra day of rest, will not change me into an out-of-control junk-food obsessive fatty. My life will not fall apart if I gain the weight I need in order to get my period back. People will still like me no matter what size I am, or if I am no longer the “virtuously healthy person.”
Things might change if I genuinely listen to my body and while change is scary, the trust I put in my physical self could make all of the difference in the world. Trusting my body is another step in this recovery process.. one that is scary and seems so wrong. But what is “so wrong” might actually be the path that leads to a life free of the constant speculation and obsession.
Do you trust your body?
If not, how do you plan on changing this? Challenging myself when I can handle it is part of plan to!
Are you better at trusting your body in some areas more than others? For me, I do not trust the constant hunger, or that I need more calories. I just don’t. So yeah, need to work on that one.
I hope the rest of your Monday’s go by supaaaa fast!