Forgetting How To Trust

by tessa8m on February 13, 2012

in Recovery

Top of the Mornin to Yeee!

I hope everyone had a nice weekend with whatever you did! After a rather long and boring night of work on Friday, my Saturday and Sunday were much better- productive day on Saturday followed by a lovely day visit to my dad and step mom’s house for  family meal. As I alluded to in Friday’s post, it was the perfect time to get my chef on, and I ended up contributing three dishes to the meal.

Recipes and other foodie related items coming at you on Wednesday… different subject for today :)

I actually began writing this post on Saturday, when I had some free time and also found myself a bit nervous for the party the next day. I am sure you can guess the reasons behind this trepidation- the food… the unknown of what exactly I would be eating at their house, how it was prepared, what ingredients were used, now much OIL/BUTTER in a dish I had no control over… What food will be there that I am “okay” eating or that will lead to me gaining weight if even a taste is consumed?

I have been through this before. How going out to eat, over to other people’s houses for a dinner party, or any other event that involves food, gives me anxiety. I hate not knowing what is in the meal I am about to consume… how many fat grams and calories have managed to sneak its way in and will eventually be inside me.

Sure I could eat “safe” foods before and simply not eat while I am there.

But I have come far enough in my recovery to understand how wrong this is on every level and that challenging myself on numerous occasions has been the main reason for my progress. However, the anxiety of going somewhere where food is out of my control is still a huge concern of mine. Even if it is somewhere familiar (like my dad’s) where I know there are always healthy choices and everyone there is in good physical shape… the anxiety is inevitable.

This all boils down to the same absurd, incorrect and illogical thinking-

  • If I eat (pretty much) anything that is beyond my “safe” and healthy foods, I will gain weight, become even more unhappy than I am now, no one will like me, etc. (this has improved a whole lot though!)
  • The higher-calorie or different food will catch up… perhaps not right away, but eventually the pounds will be seen.
  • That is why I must stick with healthy foods all of the time! Sugar, chocolate, butter, fats, carbs… these just do not work in my body. I will gain weight no matter how much or little I eat, so I ought to just stay away from them all together!
  • What about moderation and balance you ask? Or the idea that since I eat healthy a majority of the time it will all even out in the end? Sorry but no, these don’t work for my body for some reason. I am different, the exception. Yeah I know it sucks, but it’s the way it is, so I am must be virtuous and careful with my food all of the time.
  • If I make too many changes the weight will come on before I even understand or realize what has happened.
  • Must keep exercising at an intense level a majority of the time or even the healthy foods will begin to “catch up” and the blubber will accumulate around my mid-section (always there!).
  • Must monitor all of the time. Even one day, one slip up, one meal… will ruin everything.

More or less, these are the types of thoughts that surge through my mind when I am faced with a challenging situation involving food. The conversation I have within me sometimes is so completely absurd, wrong, DISORDERED.

The disordered thoughts all narrow down to the same idea- I do not trust my body.

-I do not trust it to process nutrients and calories in the “correct way”… meaning I hang onto the notion that just a bit too much of anything will lead to weight gain.

-I do not trust it to tell me when it’s hungry- how can I always be this hungry?!

-I do not trust it to tell me when it needs rest- you lazy slob you JUST took a rest day yesterday, and you need another one? I don’t think so.

-I do not trust it to allow for a few treats and indulgences…at all- You know what that one cookie is going to do to you don’t you? Yep straight to your belly, thighs, back, arms.

-I do not trust it to reach a “happy” weight, a comfortable weight where I will not have to work so hard for.

-I do not trust it to give me back my period, and that the only way is to gain 30, 40, 50 more pounds.

Trusting?! What is this you speak of?

Yeah, it’s time to turn this logic around, because my poor body has been suffering for far too long. In fact, there might be something to this whole “trusting your body” thing after all.

My mind is quite fantastic at telling my body what I do and do not need. I DON’T need rest, fatty/sugary/calorie-filled foods (ever), or anything food that is just not safe enough. I DO need- plenty of intense exercise, healthy/nutritious food (constantly), and I DO need to always stay on a plan.

Because otherwise (in my mind) the dreaded fear will come true- I will steadily lose control, gain weight, and my life will fall apart.

Maybe it’s time to shake things up a bit though, stop going by what my mind says, and instead focus on my body. Focus on the fact that, despite the notion that I so desperately hang onto, my body might actually know what to do.

If it’s telling me I need more food for a day, well then I guess that is the case. Perhaps an extra 1, 2, 5(?!) days of rest from exercising will do wonders for both my mental and physical self. And what about if it is telling me I need a big ole piece of chocolate cake with ice cream on top, or a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie… would that be okay? It might even be craving fresh vegetables, healthy fats, and sweet fruits! Is it alright to crave those as well?

Yes it must be okay, because this is what my physical self is telling me it needs right now and I want my mind to stop fighting against my body. Trust is hard, but it is both possible and necessary. If I never learn this lesson, how can I ever truly break free from this illness that has continued to consume me?

It’s time to take chances, challenge myself even more to prove to my irrational mind that the occasional treat, change in my routine, extra day of rest, will not change me into an out-of-control junk-food obsessive fatty. My life will not fall apart if I gain the weight I need in order to get my period back. People will still like me no matter what size I am, or if I am no longer the “virtuously healthy person.”

Things might change if I genuinely listen to my body and while change is scary, the trust I put in my physical self could make all of the difference in the world. Trusting my body is another step in this recovery process.. one that is scary and seems so wrong. But what is “so wrong” might actually be the path that leads to a life free of the constant speculation and obsession.

 Do you trust your body?

If not, how do you plan on changing this? Challenging myself when I can handle it is part of plan to!

Are you better at trusting your body in some areas more than others? For me, I do not trust the constant hunger, or that I need more calories. I just don’t. So yeah, need to work on that one.

I hope the rest of your Monday’s go by supaaaa fast! :D

 

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{ 114 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Lauren @ What Lauren Likes February 13, 2012 at 5:24 am

Awesome post! I think I’m slowly learning to trust myself and my body! Happy Monday :)

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2 Khushboo February 13, 2012 at 6:07 am

I have definitely started trusting my body beyond ways than I could have imagined! If I am actually physically tired on a day I had scheduled a workout, I don’t fight it…from past experience, I know oh too well how wonderful a workout following an unplanned rest day is! As for eating, I try to indulge my cravings but in moderation! And when I do, I won’t settle- it will be exactly what my body is yearning, no substitutes/alternatives. And most of the time, it mentally satisfies me to the extent that I don’t need to keep going back for more! Like you said it’s a process. Each step you take to trust your body and seethat the outcome isn’t terrible like you expected, you will continue to have faith in your body….just keep challenging yourself to do so despite what those ED thoughts argue!
Khushboo recently posted..Not your typical Egg McMuffins

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3 tessa8m February 13, 2012 at 3:28 pm

This is so inspiring for me to read, and helpful too! I am loving your approach to this
You are right, just have to keep challenging myself!

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4 Ella February 13, 2012 at 6:15 am

It was literally like I wrote this! Seriously, I understand everything here so much! I too always feel like the exception… I know we’re meant to eat x amount of calories and y amount of nutrients, but I always feel as if I did that… I would gain! I’ve become much better at having those sneaky extras I would never have touched before… chocolate cake at parties…etc. But still feel so much anxiety going to other peoples houses/out to eat… I’m ashamed to say I still make all my own food so I can ensure that I choose exactly what goes into it!
I guess I need to let myself go out to eat more, where I wont know the exact amount of calories – I need to not feel so guilty when I have something that is ‘not healthy’. Its just hard to get out of the mindset of doing that being like giving up on a healthy life or bingeing (even though it isn’t a binge).

I’m quite good at trusting my body with sports though, I can tell the days when I can go hard, the days where I just need to get moving and the days where it needs a break. I’ve had an injury recently and was very impressed with myself when I allowed myself not to run so as not to cause further injury – instead of running through it as I would have before!

I guess its a learning curve for all of us with these issues…. trusting science a little more… knowing that one treat isnt going to kill us – trusting our bodies over our minds!

Thanks Tessa I’m going to try pushing my boundaries – and eating something that… god forbid… I haven’t made!

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5 tessa8m February 13, 2012 at 3:32 pm

Hi Ella!
Thank you so much for stopping by and taking the time to comment, and also to share your personal situation! It’s not shameful to make and bring things to people’s houses.. that is just what you need to do right now and that is okay! What is not okay is settling and never trying new things, being in denial or constantly afraid. But that is not the case for you, as you are recognizing some changes that need to be made.. this is a fantastic and necessary step!
It’s helpful for ME to read that you listen to your body well when it comes to sports.. this is something I certainly need to work on!
Keep staying strong Ella, we are in this together

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6 Kaitlyn February 13, 2012 at 6:29 am

Such an interesting, important topic!
I am sloooowly learning to trust my body again. I definitely have my moments, though. When I look back on occasions where I’ve trusted what my body has told me vs. gone against what my body has told me (whether that be needing to rest from running/exercise or to EAT), whenever I’ve chosen to trust my body, I’ve always always always felt much better in the long run. A lot of it relates to the intuitive eating thing (I think)…it’s SO simple, yet very, very challenging.
You’re amazing! Have a wonderful week! :)
Kaitlyn recently posted..Motivation Monday: Just Keep Running

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7 tessa8m February 13, 2012 at 3:34 pm

It definitely relates to intuitive eating.. something else i Need to continue to work on as well

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8 Gen February 13, 2012 at 7:12 am

Awesome post!!
I definitely have trust issues with myself…..I think that in order to begin my next phase of healing, I really need to work on them!
Gen recently posted..Lazy Weekend

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9 tessa8m February 13, 2012 at 3:35 pm

Yo can do it Gen… I am right here fighting with you!

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10 Alexandra February 13, 2012 at 7:17 am

Wow this post was amazing Tessa! You really bring up a great point– trust is the building block of any relationship, whether it be with yourself or others. I definitely have non trustworthy moments with my body. I have no clue why our minds can torment us so much over the smallest things, ya know?
“My life will not fall apart if I gain the weight I need in order to get my period back. People will still like me no matter what size I am, or if I am no longer the ‘virtuously healthy person.’” A-freakin-men to that sista– I love you no matter what you look like because you’re an AMAZING gal. You are gorgeous both inside and out and I’m so glad to call you my friend :)
Hope your week gets off to an amazing start!
Alexandra recently posted..Goodbye 19, hello 20! Mum’s the Word Monday

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11 tessa8m February 13, 2012 at 3:36 pm

Aww wow you are an amazing woman yourself and I am honored and just excited by the fact that I can call you my friend as well :D

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12 Sally Anne @ PaleoRunnerGirl February 13, 2012 at 7:20 am

Tessa, this is a fantastic post–so true! It is hard to learn how to trust. I definitely remember going through exactly what you are talking about–there was so much fear and anxiety. It is also hard to re-learn how to listen to what your body needs. I don’t have any easy answers, but I do know that it takes lots of little steps–small choices that get your farther down the road to recovery. Trust will come, sweetie!
Sally Anne @ PaleoRunnerGirl recently posted..Best Birthday Gift Ever: Our First House!

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13 tessa8m February 13, 2012 at 3:39 pm

I agree, it is the small steps that will make all of the difference in the end!

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14 jana @ newly wife healthy life February 13, 2012 at 7:32 am

This is definitely a resonating emotion in most women! I think this applies to a lot of life areas, including exercise. Sometimes we don’t think it’s possible to lift a certain amount, or run a certain distance. Not trusting our strong bodies to handle the stress and endurance can cause us to quit and never push ourselves too far for fear of failure. You are doing such a great job of recognizing your feelings and emotions, it’s very enlightening and makes us all think!
jana @ newly wife healthy life recently posted..Food is Love

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15 tessa8m February 13, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Oh yes this definitely does relate to exercising.. sometimes we need to take a step back and other times we must remember that it’s okay to challenge ourselves!

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16 Kat @ a dash of fairydust February 13, 2012 at 7:45 am

I can relate to all og this so much,Tessa!
I also do NOT trust my body,which is a fatal mistake because it leads me deeper and deeper into the depth of my ED… It gets worse and worse and I just don’t WANT to realize; I don’t want to admit it’s my own fault as I am the one who doesn’t listen to her body. If I would treat my body in a better way,I wouldn’t feel the necessity to binge in the evening after eating too less throughout the day. If I would treat my body in a better way,I wouldn’t feel sick and tired all the time because I don’t allow myself to rest.
I know I NEED to change my attitude and start to TRUST my body,but it’s incredibly hard though…
Kat @ a dash of fairydust recently posted..I [cry]. I [try].

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17 tessa8m February 13, 2012 at 3:41 pm

Kat, it is so incredibly hard.. in fact, going through this recovery process is the hardest thing I have ever done… and am still going through! A major first step in all of this is understanding what you need to change, and you are there! now it’s taking the plunge and facing the fears, something you are capable of

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18 CJ @ http://healthy-happy-whole.com February 13, 2012 at 8:15 am

I just wrote a post with the concept of trust and published it this morning!
it is unfortunate but I do not trust my body either. I have always let calories completely dictate what I can and cannot have, regardless of my hunger state.
I am working on it, little by little, but it is really diffficult because I always feel like i am the exception. Of course MY body does not KNOW when it is hungry or full! Of course MY body does not intercept calories like everyone else’s and will just blow up instantly if I have something I think is unsafe.
Weird how irrational these things are, yet I still believe them.
CJ @ http://healthy-happy-whole.com recently posted..Trying To Trust

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19 tessa8m February 13, 2012 at 3:42 pm

Oh wow, we are sooo on the same page today! off to read it now :)

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20 Amy Lauren February 13, 2012 at 8:23 am

I try to trust my body, but my self-image really wavers with things. I think it’s hard at first but becomes easier over time. I’ve gained a couple pounds. Ironically, I had my period when I was at my lowest weight this Spring, and now that I have gained, it’s been gone for four months (and it’s not THAT kind of gain, either!). I guess I’ve gained muscle or blood volume, but anyway… I’ve only gained a few pounds but I actually look better. My face looks different, my hair is thicker, and I always thought gaining would make me a slower runner… well I ran a 12K this weekend at about an 8 min/mile pace. Our bodies are smart things if we trust them.
Amy Lauren recently posted..Ebenezer Miles for Missions 12K and Restful Saturday Recap

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21 tessa8m February 13, 2012 at 3:44 pm

It sounds like you have definitely gained some muscle Amy, which is great! Except not so great for your period of course.. ugh. I am with you on this one… we need some freakin fat, and it’s so hard to accept sometimes because for me, my self-image plummets when I start to feel “fat.”

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22 Karla February 13, 2012 at 8:31 am

Great post as always! I can relate. Last night, I went to my in-laws for dinner. It always causes me anxiety because they don’t eat healthy. My husband gets so frustrated because I pick at things and only eat safe foods. Of course, I “don’t like” a lot of things. But, he doesn’t get this. He thinks if your hungry, you eat what’s there. This is “normal”. I know that. It’s like you talked about before, we shouldn’t always need the “perfect” meal. The one with only the things we really want. I have a lot of trouble trusting my body, but at the same time, I wonder why I will allow myself to eat ice cream, candy bars, really anything. It’s weird. I let myself have anything, but I have to be in control of when/where I have it. So frustrating!

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23 tessa8m February 13, 2012 at 3:45 pm

Oh gosh you just articulated my thoughts quite well… YESSSS, especially the last part! I am “okay” (to a certain extent) to having fear foods, but I MUST be in demand and command of all that surrounds it. Trying to let this go, but so difficult of course!

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24 Lyn @ FueledBySalad February 13, 2012 at 8:32 am

What a great post. I think it’s so great that you’re deciding to trust your body again – it’s definitely something I’m trying to aim for as well. It’s a scary thing to let go, but it’ll be worth it in the end. :)
Lyn @ FueledBySalad recently posted..A new workout + link love!

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25 tessa8m February 13, 2012 at 3:46 pm

It will be, now I just have to put the effort in :)

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26 Christina @ The Athletarian February 13, 2012 at 9:03 am

The only thing I don’t trust my body with is “bad” foods. I’m okay when it comes to taking extra rest days because I know when I really need then and that they will benefit me in the long run but when it comes to food, it’s a whole different story. Like you, I have anxiety when I eat things out of the ordinary, high in fat, sugar, etc. I feel as though it sticks to my body immediately and that I have to work extra hard the next day to burn it off. I know this is not the case though. Indulging here and there will not kill me. I am learning to loosen up a bit. Slowly but surely.. :)
Christina @ The Athletarian recently posted..22 pounds of rice.

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27 tessa8m February 13, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Yeah the food thing is a major block in my mind… I AM the one person that one slip-up= a massive weight gain. No this is not the case, no matter what my ED brain believes!

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28 Sarah February 13, 2012 at 9:25 am

This is definitely something I am constantly working on too! Whether or not I should take a rest day or go for a run; am I hungry or just snacky? It’s a constant work in progress but I think I’m getting better at it.

I hope you have such a great monday Tessa!
Sarah recently posted..Monday Morning Muffins

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29 tessa8m February 13, 2012 at 3:49 pm

Yes exactly, a constant work in progress!

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30 Kat February 13, 2012 at 9:29 am

man girl I seriously MISSED your blog this weekend! You are totally like a breath of fresh air :)
To be honest with you, Im actually terrified of valentine’s day, aka my birthday. Im going to lunch with my mom, I KNOW she has a cake for me, then dinner with my hubby and I KNOW he wants to get a cake for me. on top of that my bestie usually makes me cupcakes plus whatever else kind of candy I get from others. Its stressing me out like crazy, but Im just trying to breath and let everything just come as it may!
Kat recently posted..Making the Switch!

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31 tessa8m February 13, 2012 at 3:51 pm

I can understand why you are nervous for tomorrow, but try to remember that it is just ONE DAY and it won’t make a difference in the grand scheme of things.. physically at least! Emotionally, it will be a lovely experience as you will be with the people in your life that are important to you, and that is wonderful :)
I need to take my own advice here too Kat, we can do this!

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32 Liz @ IHeartVegetables February 13, 2012 at 9:39 am

I definitely struggle with this stuff too!!! Intuitive eating, “knowing” when
I’m hungry, stopping when I’m full… it’s like I don’t trust myself!

But our bodies DO know what they need! I think it’s a matter of learning to trust!
Liz @ IHeartVegetables recently posted..#VAis4Bloggers and the Salad Shocker

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33 tessa8m February 13, 2012 at 3:51 pm

Yes indeed, and one day I know I will get there, we both will!

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34 Lucie February 13, 2012 at 9:58 am

This is such a wonderful post – i think this is something everybody struggles with, and its a huge reminder that our bodies really do shout to us for something when they need it and that we shouldnt deny them of whatever it is they are shouting for! Great post!

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35 tessa8m February 13, 2012 at 3:52 pm

Hi Lucie,
thank you for stopping by! We really cannot deny our bodies what it needs, that is what leads to negativity in so many areas!

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36 Laura @ LauraLikesDesign February 13, 2012 at 10:17 am

I have such a hard time trusting too, but sometimes just bitting the bullet is enough for me. Some days, however, it is not.

I ate spaghetti, garlic bread, and a cupcake this weekend and my pants still fit. Sometimes that is enough to remind me that occasional treats and carb-heavy meals won’t make me blow up.

It’s so tough though! Ugh.

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37 tessa8m February 13, 2012 at 3:53 pm

Great job this past weekend Laura! and like you said, you are here on Monday and everything is fine :)

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38 FH February 13, 2012 at 10:54 am

OMG – i have been fighting with this today. I was anorexic for years, recovered back in 2006, but have been slipping since October, as I felt I was getting “bigger”. Knowing where that leads, I started eating about +200 more calories every day 1 month ago, and it feels like my weight loss has slowed down, but in a weird way i feel sad about that and want to restrict just enough to lose weight again. And I thought I was rid of these thoughts. :(

This morning I was actually thinking that I need to trust my body to know what it needs to do and and that it will know how to process the food, and that I need to use a microscope in guise of eyes to detect any little bulge on my stomach. The body goes thru lots of changes every single day, and this has nothing to do with “weight gain”, even though it may look like it temporarily.

As we are recovering from this internal hell (literally, it’s like being a prisoner of your own thoughts), maybe we need to stop thinking of these body changes as weight gain,, but call them, wise body adjustments, or something else that better explains what the body really does. But the ultimate goal is to stop focusing so much on one’s appearance, and to live your life happily and fully, knowing that your body will follow suit, adjust when it needs to, etc.

Tessa, what a beautiful post, exactly what I need to hear this morning. I will save it and often refer to it to give me strength to continue with my recovery and to know I am not alone in this.

F

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39 tessa8m February 13, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Thank you for sharing your personal thoughts and story here… I really appreciate it! Although you did slip a bit, I am so glad to hear you are able to recognize what you are doing, and make the changes that are necessary to counteract that. Understanding this is a major step and shows that you have grown from this illness and are much more self-aware… awesome :)

I agree about the internal hell… it really is like that. It sounds so dark and scary, but yeah, that is reality. Also, I like your idea of changing our minds around what the weight gain represents to something more positive and accurate! We are gaining health not “fat” and our lives are not becoming worse as a result.

I am so glad this post was able to help you out, what an honor it is for me to read that. Seriously, thank you!

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40 Stellina @ My Yogurt Addiction February 13, 2012 at 11:35 am

I do trust my body but I know that I could definitely trust it more and push it more. I know that I can run faster, lift more and workout for longer but for some reason I just don’t sometimes. Maybe I’m just lazy?! I’ve got to work on this too!
Stellina @ My Yogurt Addiction recently posted..Three Cheers for CHO!

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41 tessa8m February 13, 2012 at 3:58 pm

Not lazy Stellina! It’s a hard process, but I know it’s one we can get better at :)

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42 Alexis February 13, 2012 at 11:40 am

Seriously love your blog!
I always think well I’m that exception! So far, I’ve been wrong… a lot.

I have such a hard time trusting my body but going grain free has REALLY challenged me to eat a ton of fear foods – especially fats, and its given me a chance to explore new foods! Over the past 2 weeks, I’ve eliminated grains but upped the fat like no one’s business and now I’m becoming excited to try different oils and fats! Which were essentially a big giant no no for years.

My biggest challenge is the workouts. I always feel obligated to work out 5-6 days a week. One challenge at a time though :)
Alexis recently posted..Chicken and apples

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43 tessa8m February 13, 2012 at 4:00 pm

This is wonderful that this grain-free business is helping you out both physically and mentally! That is great you are facing more fear foods and i know your body is thanking you :)

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44 Ashley @ AlmostVegGirlie February 13, 2012 at 11:53 am

I always feel like I’m the exception as well! Like everyone but me can eat in moderation and if I try to eat intuitively, I will gain weight and start craving junk food like crazy! It really makes no sense, but it’s why I still struggle with counting calories and trying to always eat as healthy as possible. However, I am starting to feel okay with occasional ‘indulgences’ as long as they are somewhat healthy. Hopefully that will help me work towards feeling okay with less healthy foods every once in awhile. I mean I love eating healthy, but sometimes I am way too strict with it and it’s no fun!
Ashley @ AlmostVegGirlie recently posted..The Right One For You

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45 tessa8m February 13, 2012 at 4:57 pm

I am glad you are getting better at indulgences! Small steps and becoming comfortable with what you eat is essential for making progress!

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46 Sophie @ LoveLiveAndLearn February 13, 2012 at 11:59 am

First I just want to say that I love your funny greetings! :-)

I really really liked reading this post, although you’re going through a difficult time and you’re still struggling this really shows how far you’ve come and how much better you already are! And I completely understand you, I have an incredibly difficult time trusting my body, not so much in terms of it gaining weight (I’ve gained a stone since starting uni and my condition getting 10x worse!) but more in terms of pain. It might sound sad but I honestly cannot remember what it is like to not feel any pain. I can no longer distinguish the normal pain that any person would feel and what just hurts me. I have to ask the people I’m with if they feel any pain to check whether it’s just me. And I’m scared that I won’t read the signs of a serious injury because I would just ignore it and think of it as my normal pain…

So I do understand how scary and how difficult it can be. But funnily enough our bodies are really good at letting us know what they need, it’s our brains that have difficulties processing this! I know you can get through this Tessa, you are strong :-) <3

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47 tessa8m February 13, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Oh gosh Sophie I guess I did not realize the extent of your pain and I am just so so sorry to hear you are suffering :( I wish something could be done to make it all better of course, but you are doing wonderfully with dealing it. I admire you!

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48 Lindsay @ In Sweetness and In Health February 13, 2012 at 12:03 pm

This is a really great post Tessa. I’ve actually never really thought about things from the trust perspective, but it totally makes sense. And I definitely think it was something I used to really suffer from. I still don’t trust my body completely, but I think I’m getting better at it! I do know though that I could probably use more trust when it comes to rest days!
Lindsay @ In Sweetness and In Health recently posted..Skin Woes

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49 tessa8m February 13, 2012 at 4:50 pm

Ugh I am so with you on the rest days thing Lindsay… please let me know if you make any progress with this!

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50 Colleen February 13, 2012 at 12:12 pm

Great post and it shows the tremendous strides you have made in recovery. Ummm I don’t trust my body at all. I am the exception to every “rule”. ahhhh. Especially the exercise rule…I must do so much more than anyone else and if I don’t I will lose everything I have gained. It’s really getting to me….. I’ll try to finally e-mail you back soon. I’m also going to post on Friday’s post b/c I have some thoughts on it, too. This wkend was so busy that I never got to do so.

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51 tessa8m February 13, 2012 at 4:49 pm

Don’t worry about responding/commenting Colleen! Get around to it whenever you can and want to.. and if not, no worries either! Stress= no good!

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52 StoriesAndSweetPotatoes February 13, 2012 at 12:40 pm

I think it takes a long time to regain trust in all the aspects that you mentioned. Early on all I could tell myself, since I absolutely did not trust a thing, was that doing what I needed to do for recovery was better than dying. Sounds kind of morbid but EDs are progressive diseases and that is a real consequence, especially for my situation. You’ve made huge strides and they will only grow :)
StoriesAndSweetPotatoes recently posted..Gender Politics In Social Media: Pinterest v. Gentlemint

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53 tessa8m February 13, 2012 at 4:48 pm

I can understand this… sometimes you just need to give yourself a huge and forceful kick in the butt!

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54 Sarah@The Flying ONION February 13, 2012 at 1:04 pm

It can be scary stuff, trusting our bodies to know what they’re doing. The GOOD news is that if we’re feeding it with the right stuff (i.e., fats, protein, complex carbs, etc.), our bodies know exactly what we need, and our weight will level off at the healthiest place for us. For energy, well being, and all around feeling our best!

Keep up the great work, Tessa!! You are amazing. :D
Sarah@The Flying ONION recently posted..chocolate truffles.

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55 tessa8m February 13, 2012 at 4:47 pm

I cannot wait to get to the point where I have complete trust.. I know it is possible!

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56 Kaila February 13, 2012 at 1:05 pm

Beautifully written Tessa! Seriously…you need to publish a book. Your ideas are so well thought out and conveyed to poignantly. I look forward to everyone of your posts! I think this one is applicable in so many ways to not only my own life but many peoples lives in general. I think we all struggle to some extent with trusting myself. I think, in my own life, that that is the reason why I like to be in control so often. Its like if I let myself be at the whim of others I don’t trust how I will be able to handle the situation or handle myself so I choose to be the one in control of it instead…to avoid the anxiety. But thats really no way to live. Its all about getting used to new and different situations and learning to deal with anxiety in a positive way.

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57 tessa8m February 13, 2012 at 4:46 pm

Wow Kaila, thank you for such kind words! You are so right with what you are saying here too… I have such control issues too and learning to adjust in a positive way is necessary to letting go

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58 Healthiful Balance February 13, 2012 at 2:15 pm

There were times where I didnt trust anyone (not even myself) at all! I’m learning to trust again, and man is it hard sometimes!
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59 Anna @ The Guiltless Life February 13, 2012 at 2:16 pm

I think a key thing for me in body image and overall health is remembering the connection between our body and mind. Yoga has helped IMMENSELY with this. They are not two separate entities; they are one, and they don’t need to fight each other. In fact I believe that when you get to a point where they are in harmony with one another and not fighting all the time, then we are in optimal health. Let’s hope we can all get there!
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60 tessa8m February 13, 2012 at 4:44 pm

Alright so I really have got to get into yoga… I have been talking about it long enough, but I really intend to! I can see how much it could help you out with all of this

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61 Ashley @ My Food 'N' Fitness Diaries February 13, 2012 at 2:36 pm

i’ve never really thought about this in terms of “trust”, but you’re absolutely right! it certainly IS a trust issue. i’ve definitely had my struggles with trusting my body. it’s still hard for me to solely trust my body to tell me when it’s hungry rather than just eating because it’s a certain time. great, great post – it definitely made me think and look at things a little differently!
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62 tessa8m February 13, 2012 at 4:42 pm

I hope it does help you out in anyway at all Ashley… I know voicing all of this helps me :)

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63 Emily February 13, 2012 at 3:00 pm

Trusting your body is SO important and, unfortunately, it’s something we forget to do. Too often we continue to push ourselves even when our bodies are crying out for rest, or more nutrients. But our bodies know best! We just have to tune into their signals.
Another very inspiring and thought-provoking post! <3
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64 tessa8m February 13, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Our bodies do know best no matter how much I try to fight this knowledge!

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65 Laura @ LauraLivesLife February 13, 2012 at 3:02 pm

I love this post – it’s so true! Who are we to think that we know better that thousands of years of biology?
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66 tessa8m February 13, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Yep! Looking at scientific evidence can be quite helpful to prove the disorder wrong!

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67 Lena @Fit on the Rocks February 13, 2012 at 3:03 pm

I’m loving the quotes today! I’ve become so much better with trusting my body. Even the times when I don’t, it’s usually nice and proves me wrong. Most recently, during my trip to So Cal for my half, I gained a whopping 8 lbs…yep, no joke. I almost flipped the eff out when I got home, but realized most of it was probably due to water retention from the race and the saltier foods I was eating. Sure enough, I lost about 6 of the lbs within 2 days of being back from just eating normally again. The body know’s whats up.
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68 Rachel @ Eat, Learn, Discover! February 13, 2012 at 3:39 pm

I’m learning to trust my body – and it’s hard. I’ve gained back weight that I had previously lost, my clothes fit differently every week, and I have very little consistency in my eating. But I’m forcing myself to run with it, and going to hope for the best. It’s an anxiety that runs deep – and I think for me, getting away from my usual environment was the best thing I did to help that.
There is no surefire way to make it happen, but I think even by just realizing this, you are WELL on your way to learning to trust your body to do what it needs.
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69 tessa8m February 13, 2012 at 4:39 pm

Rachel, I am constantly in awe when I read about your adventures and taking a trip out there.. so great girl. I am glad the new environment is helping you out with all of this, and I know you are healthier than ever :)

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70 Jemma @ Celery and Cupcakes February 13, 2012 at 3:47 pm

Your posts are always so deep and thought provoking…love them!
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71 tessa8m February 13, 2012 at 4:36 pm

I am glad you liked this one too Jemma :)

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72 Kristabel February 13, 2012 at 4:47 pm

I think many people could write this post, well maybe not write it but think the same thoughts. I think learning to trust your body goes along with letting go of the need for control of your weight, what you eat, etc.

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73 tessa8m February 14, 2012 at 12:25 pm

Oh I could not agree more Kristabel… it is all intertwined!

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74 Lizzy February 13, 2012 at 6:23 pm

Hey girlie!
sounds like a fun weekend!!
I definitely trust my body’s hunger signals most of the time…except when I am months into marathon training and my appetite dies, I yell at it to signal hunger (well i’m not really yelling..my brain is!) ;) , but I do know that our bodies need MORE than what they are calling for!
I am starting to learn that my body is a freak and rarely signals to my brain that it needs a rest day, so I have started to schedule them so I don’t injure myself.
great post! trust is so important and you WILL get there!!
xoxo!
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75 tessa8m February 14, 2012 at 12:28 pm

That is so interesting that you lose your appetite during marathon training! I have never trained for a marathon, but I heard your hunger rages! But of course it’s different for everyone! It sounds like you are quite in touch with your body, very inspirational and helpful for me to hear!

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76 Natasha February 13, 2012 at 6:25 pm

I think that you should challenge yourself to take off three days or more from your typical exercise routine. I actually kinda did a post about this, but your body won’t change. You might actually feel a lot more rested. Yes, it would be a huge challenge, but I think it might help you realize that you can take a break! :)
Just take it easy and go for a walk! That always helps me! It lets me look at why I feel the need to exercise obsessively, and if it is really necessary if all of that high intensity exercise is making me feel worse, more lethargic, and weaker.
We really do all need a break after a certain point!
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77 tessa8m February 15, 2012 at 11:48 am

Natasha, you are 100% right. I do not argue with you at all right here but I also don’t know how to face it. It would be a major challenge and honestly, I don’t know how I could handle it! I need to give my body a proper rest… I feel exhausted far too often and it’s a combination of things, but I know a huge part is my lack of rest. Thank you for this reminder, I really do appreciate it and will be pondering your words…

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78 Jess @ Blonde Ponytail February 13, 2012 at 6:51 pm

I sincerely appreciate your honesty in all your posts. I’m such a fan of the quote “What would you do if you had no fear”–transferable to all aspects of life!
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79 tessa8m February 14, 2012 at 12:29 pm

I am such a fan of this quote too… it’s how I hope to live my life! Or with that in mind at all times

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80 Kaitlin @4loveofcarrots February 13, 2012 at 7:55 pm

This is such a great open and honest post. I can relate to everything you have just said and having over come disordered eating I still have these thoughts every once in a while and I hate myself for having them but we are only human and can’t beat ourselves up if we have these thoughts. We just need to learn how to counteract these bad thoughts, I try to practice positive affirmations, it is easier for me to be negative then positive so it has been a struggle!

P.s. I just found your blog and I love it!

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81 tessa8m February 14, 2012 at 12:30 pm

Hi Kaitlin, thank you so much for stopping by and taking the time to read my blog! Don’t hate yourself for something like this! LIke you said, we are all human so neither of us have the right to beat ourselves up… and we both know it does nothing to benefit!
Off to check out your blog now :)

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82 crista February 13, 2012 at 9:03 pm

Always love your honest posts Tessa. I have had such a hard time trusting my body but because I tested it in little ways and it always proved trustworthy I have learned that I can! There will be little things now that give me pause – some days when I am so hungry that it seems impossible that someone would need “that much food” in one day. But now when I give it what it needs without judgement I’m never let down (ie I never gain the weight I think I’m going to, or puff up overnight, or whatever I’m fearing most). Day by day. Glad you’re continuing to question and challenge patterns.
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83 tessa8m February 14, 2012 at 12:39 pm

Thank you for telling me this Crista… it’s helpful to know you have been making changes as well and everything has been fine!

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84 Tara February 14, 2012 at 6:36 am

I still struggle with trusting my body in certain ways. I’m much better about going out now, but I completely know how it feels to be afraid of going to a party or restaurant and not having “Safe” food. Even going to a friends house. I feel like I must have looked kind of silly bringing my “safe” luna bars to eat instead of brownies and ice cream with my best friends. They caught on fast to what was going on but it just seems silly looking back. I wanted the desserts, but for some reason my friends could metabolize those calories and I couldn’t. Illogical! Genuinely listening to your body isn’t easy – but it’s something I hope all of us who struggle with it can do someday!
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85 tessa8m February 14, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Illogical yes but of course I completely understand! I can’t wait until we can get to the day where we fully can get our heads around the idea of balance and that food will not make us blow up

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86 Mary-Catherine February 14, 2012 at 7:27 am

Another amazing post, and so timely!! Thank you for all of your reminders on trusting — I still have a hard time trusting that I really am hungry and that I really need rest!!!

Happy Valentines Day!!!
MC

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87 tessa8m February 14, 2012 at 12:42 pm

Thank you MC, you too!

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88 Sarah @ feeedingbrainandbody February 14, 2012 at 8:01 am

You hit the nail right on the head! Trust is such a big issue for me as well and it involves other aspects of life too. It’s a huge burden to live with out trust, so definitely something im working on! Great post (again)!
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89 tessa8m February 14, 2012 at 12:51 pm

Thank you Sarah :)

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90 Mattie @ Comfy and Confident February 14, 2012 at 9:15 am

Great Post Tessa! This is definitely something I struggle with. How can I reach my happy weight and body image if I can not even trust my body to get there? But, my issue with trust goes even further. I don’t trust myself to not indulge on the appetizers when at a dinner party. I don’t trust myself to avoid the cookies and chocolate at dessert. It is definitely something I am working on and I wish I could just say no, but for some reason, I am always tempted and I always give in. One day, I will be able to go to a party and trust myself to eat only the foods I really want.

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91 tessa8m February 14, 2012 at 12:43 pm

I really can relate to your words here as well Mattie… I don’t trust myself with situations like that either, which is why I often go out of my way to avoid them. We are both so aware of this though, and do have the ability to beat it!

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92 Caitlin February 14, 2012 at 11:13 am

Definitely am having issues trusting my body, but am trying to get better about it just like you! Those family parties with all the food ALWAYS bring me anxiety. So does going out to eat. Then I never overdo it, I never go crazy, and I have to remind myself of that for next time. I need to give myself more credit – I’m not gonna go psycho and eat a whole bowl of chips just because they’re sitting out! It’s hard to trust my body and myself and my own control, but TOO much control has been my problem, so it makes no sense to assume I’ll LOSE control around lots of food.
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93 tessa8m February 14, 2012 at 12:44 pm

You are right, we do need to give ourselves credit more often… I am much too hard on myself, and I know the trust issues have to do with this

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94 Ali Mc February 14, 2012 at 11:21 am

Great post Tessa :)

I trust my body over my mind any day! the body doesn’t ever lie. NEVER. If my stomach hurts, it’s full….if it growls, it’s hungry. If I start getting a headache I need water….easy :)

The mind however LIES. The mind will always try to tell you what you want to hear, even what you don’t …..I listen to my body. As the saying goes – trust your gut ;) – they weren’t lying.
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95 tessa8m February 14, 2012 at 12:45 pm

It does sound easy in theory, but my mind is so “good” at fighting what my body tells me it needs! Just have to keep being aware and working hard against my mind :) well sometimes haha

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96 Chelsea @ The Nut Butter Runner February 14, 2012 at 2:15 pm

Great post Tessa! I admit that I struggle with this. First of all, I am never hungry.. Which makes NO sense, because I always run a lot. I feel like a crazy person, being like, “No, I need to eat even though I’m NOT HUNGRY.” And then I see all of these “listen to your body things”.. If my body had its way, I’d skip lunch every day, which makes no sense. I think the problem is that I don’t trust my body to be hungry according to my schedule.. So like, I’d probably get ravenously hungry during class if I didn’t eat earlier, so I eat when I’m not hungry and never let myself get hungry because I’m so regimented with my time. It’s super weird. I want to be able to trust my body, but I have such a hard time doing it, because I feel like it’s always betraying my mind somehow.. On days when I’m chillaxin, I’m starving, on days when I’m running and riding, food bores me.
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97 tessa8m February 15, 2012 at 11:46 am

That doesn’t make any sense haha, but I am glad you are still fueling your body, especially with all of that running! Just have to continuously fuel and I know everything will balance out

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98 Maria @ runningcupcake February 14, 2012 at 3:06 pm

What a fan post. I can relate to this, although never having an ED I did lose some weight and for a while was quite paranoid about eating out or eating at a friends house because I had no control over the food I was going to eat. It took a while to realise that one meal out in a month was not going to do any harm.
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99 Katherine February 14, 2012 at 3:38 pm

I fully and completely sympathize with you about not understanding how you can be so hungry all the time. I’ve started to push my boundaries and eat whenever I’m hungry, and though it’s been super scary, I’m doing okay with it.
I can especially relate to this post because last night I was laying awake in bed, starving, but I didn’t want to eat any more. I felt like I had already eaten enough, more than enough. However, in the end, I decided to get up and have a bowl of cereal. I decided to view it as fueling for my run this morning (cereal is my go-to pre-run meal), and that helped me feel okay about eating it. Plus, I fell asleep right away once I was nice and full. :D

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100 tessa8m February 15, 2012 at 11:45 am

That is so wonderful that you made that major step! I bet you ended up having such a better night sleep because of this :)

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101 Alexa @ Simple Eats February 14, 2012 at 5:05 pm

Something that helps me when I start wavering about trusting my body is remembering that I can NOT compare myself to others. No two people have the same appetite. They won’t be hungry at the same time, get full at the same time or even crave the same/need the same foods. It’s a tough thing, but I think that’s a big part of it. Hope things get better :)
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102 tessa8m February 15, 2012 at 11:43 am

Comparing really gets you NOWHERE and that is something I am finally internalizing! I appreciate the reminder Alexa :)

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103 Cheryl @ eatplayluvblog.com February 14, 2012 at 8:18 pm

I am learning to trust my body. Learning is a process — and it’s taking a lot of mistakes (under eating one day, over eating the next, not being sure, feeling it out and noticing what makes me feel satisfied but not stuffed, treated but not indulgent, etc.). I think it’s scary when you’ve been up and down like I have because you assume you’re going to go WAY back up. That’s not the case. Logically I know that. Now I’m proving it to myself! And it sounds like you’re doing the same. The period thing will come, the happy weight will come — they’re both OUTCOMES of finding balance. :) You’ve got this.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

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104 tessa8m February 15, 2012 at 11:42 am

OH yes logically I know all of this too… but you are right, now it’s about proving this to ourselves!

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105 Lily February 14, 2012 at 8:56 pm

You’re spot on with everything you say & your words inspire me!
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106 Meg February 14, 2012 at 9:37 pm

Babe my google reader hasn’t been updating me with your blog posts!? :( I have tons of catching up to do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am so sorry for the lack of comments!

love u

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107 tessa8m February 15, 2012 at 11:41 am

Aww poo I wonder why that is happening! I hate technology sometimes… but no worries of course Meg, comment whenever and if you can :)

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108 Holly February 15, 2012 at 6:49 pm

I do not trust my body 100%, but i can say I’m working on it! Everyday i feel like I’m trusting it more and more. I love your posts so much l. Makes me think about my own self and issues i still need to overcome.
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109 Julia @ girl with a stethoscope February 16, 2012 at 6:55 pm

Beautifully written post. I find myself mistrusting a lot of the same things that you do…anything from the number of calories certain foods “claim” to have (hence why I always overestimate) to mistrusting my feelings towards hunger and fullness. This is such a long process to fix and it requires so much trust within yourself.
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110 Maria @ Beautiful Busy Bee February 17, 2012 at 10:27 am

I tend to be better at trusting my body when it comes to needing sleep or food than a rest day! One time I hurt my hip so bad from running too much that I couldn’t even walk. So glad it went away!
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111 Ali March 14, 2012 at 12:54 am

What an amazing post. So inspiring for so many people.
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112 tessa8m March 14, 2012 at 6:31 am

Thank you Ali :)

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113 Ben August 22, 2012 at 8:09 pm

1. “Life is a Journey and, just like a marathon, while you cant see the finish line until you get very close, you KNOW it IS there. You just need to keep going.”–thats my original
2. “A journey of ten thousand miles starts with a single step”-Lao Tzu
3. “Faith is like a finish line; you can see it [duringa race] but you KNOW it’s there. Never stop believing in God’s plan for your life!”–Sarah Stanley (a distance runner and health guru, Google her)
4. “The brain is involved in everything you do”–Daniel Amen
5. “The brain controls the body, so the brain controls behavior”–another original
I, personally, have extensive applied knowledge of diet and health, especially brain health/function. I can help you Tessa, I am editing an email I intend to send you this wknd (fri or sat). Look out for it!
Word?

Take care,
Ben

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