Thank you to everyone who has entered my giveaway thus far! I have been enjoying reading people’s responses on what has made this year supaaa great for them! So much positivity going on, something we all need in our lives
As I mentioned on Friday, I fled from school in order to enjoy the long weekend! These past three days at home have been wonderful. I left school right after my Internship on Friday, arrived home two hours later and have been enjoying my time ever since.
Also on Saturday, I went to go see my older brother Russell and his wife Christine at their new house! They just bought their first house together a few weeks ago, and are slowly but surely settling in. It was wonderful to make the drive to go and see them and their new digs, as we caught up and I was also able to see my dad, Diane and Christine’s parents as well!
Such a great visit with everyone- good food, nice company, great conversation… can’t ask for more than that
Gosh I love my family so much <3! I wish I had snapped more pictures, but I kind of forgot to, plus I wanted to focus my attention more on the company I was with, rather than pictures for the blog… which is always in the back of my mind at events! More on this later though
But of course, there is always more to mention!
Remember last Monday when I talked about going to my dad’s house for a Sunday night dinner? Well whether you read it or not, basically an idea behind that post was the lack of trust I have with my body. I “must’ monitor what I eat and how much I exercise 150% of the time or otherwise I will gain weight before I realize what is going on. The emotional distress will be be close behind- sadness, insecurity, anxiety… weight gain/fatness= these things.
For whatever reason, emotionally I was feeling less than stellar that day. I felt-
- That I had not accomplished enough that weekend: school work, exercising, challenging myself
- Did not truly deserve a rest day and I should get my lazy ass to the gym or out on a run pronto
- That I should have been more social and not stayed in on Friday night, even though I was exhausted and wanted a night to myself.
- That I was just not in the mood to put myself together, throw on a pair of jeans (as I was already feeling heavy from my lack of working out that day), and be social with everyone.
The point is, before leaving campus last Sunday for my dad’s I felt like crap- mentally and physically- due mostly to the eating disorder… as-freakin-usual.
I was fearful the day I was venturing to my dad’s because I was not sure what was being served, if I would be “okay” eating it (especially on a rest day), and then how my body would handle the unfamiliar food. Realistically and logically, I am quite aware that the idea of moderation is one that must be remembered because it’s true!
I love to eat healthy and that is GREAT! You know what else rocks? The fact that I can consume “indulgent” foods and won’t blow up like a balloon! Now I just have to remember and internalize my own wisdom and advice…
That day at my dad’s turned out to be wonderful, as the rational side of me knew it would.
I apologize for back tracking a bit there, but there is a reason for this and how I was able to be much more “okay” with going to my brother’s house this past weekend.
It was the same kind of situation- out of my comfort zone, off to eat food that I was not preparing, had no idea what was being served or what “terrifying (aka going to make me fat) ingredients were in there, etc. However, how I felt this past Saturday about the dinner was momentously different than the previous weekend at my dad’s. I was fine with the unfamiliar… in fact I was ready to take on the mental challenge of not knowing what I would be eating…. I embraced it!
This is something so positive right? A mindset that really shows how much my recovery is paying off? YES, but also NO at the same time… and writing and thinking this out has allowed me to understand a bit more about the lack of anxiety I felt.
Before venturing to my brother’s house that night, I had gone through the day EXACTLY how I like to (or my ED liked to?!)-
- Woke up early, had coffee, consumed an apple, headed to the gym
- Kicked my own ass and pushed myself harder than I ought to have through an intense circuit workout
- Refueled with a proper but very nutritious meal- could have used more calories!
- Stayed active for the next few hours by walking around, standing and baking, cleaning, organizing
- Overall I was feeling “thinner” that day… my jeans fit alright, I deemed I looked okay in the mirror… you know it was just one of those days where I felt good with myself. Rare, but they do happen!
By the time I was set to leave that evening, I was thinking about dinner and what would be served, but much more about how excited I was to see my loving family. Additionally, I had brought some “just in case” snacks for myself, which always provides me with a feeling of safety and reassurance. Well at least I will have something I am okay consuming!
As I said before, the night turned out great… I stayed for several hours, got a tour of the new house, conversation, ate a delicious tortilla soup served with fajitas courtesy of my sister-in-law (all healthy!) and had a great time!
Looking at this right now, it seems that nothing is wrong. I went out of my comfort zone to drive there, talked, ate, drove home. Badda bing, badda boom. More to this though…
I am understanding that the reason for my “good” mood and willingness to go there was because everything had been going just the way I like it earlier in the day. I didn’t eat as much as I ought to have at that point, exercised, was enjoying a “thinner” day- all aspects that make my disordered eating voice particularly pleased.
My good mood was because of my eating disorder.. things were going just the way they should be, therefore I am in a positive mood.
No no, I do not like this. This past weekend allowed me to gain an understanding that much too often how I decide things, how I present myself, my personality and mood for that day, are based off of how the disordered eating is effecting me.
- I didn’t follow the “rules” today= pissy, crappy, sad, FAT mood.
- I stayed virtuous by under eating (even just a tad), felt skinnier, etc= great mood, everything is wonderful!
Well this certainly needs to stop! I cannot allow how I mentally go about a day be based on my eating disorder. I mean, I am aware this has been happening for quite some time now, but this past weekend really struck a chord and gave me a better understanding.
This all comes down to the idea that the disordered eating cannot rule my life… yeah duh. It cannot influence things for me, or have a say in how or what I decide aspects of my daily existence. My personality, my mood, myself, is simply not allowed to be connected to this illness that has consumed me in the past.
Although I am still striving to understand “who I am,” I can say with sincerity and correctness that I am NOT this eating disorder. Yes it is a part of me, but it is not ME… it is not my existence, what I have to offer, and how I will go about living. I must continue working to differentiate between the logical, recovering Tessa and the sick part, that continuously tries to pull me back to the darkest point I have ever experienced.
No thank you.
-Do you ever find that your good mood is based on how you are physically feeling- as in “I am fat/thin today and therefore this is how I feel!” Of course YES for me… working on it though!
-Do you find that days when you have not treated your body the way you “should” be, whatever that means for your current health status, are you in a worse mood, or make decisions based on this?
-If you can, how do you pull yourself out of a bad body-image/feeling day?
-How was your weekend? Tell me 1, 2, 3, however many great things you want to!
I have to pack up and head back to school today… see you all in Western Mass