Defining My Mood Beyond The Disorder

by tessa8m on February 20, 2012

in Weekend Recap

Thank you to everyone who has entered my giveaway thus far! I have been enjoying reading people’s responses on what has made this year supaaa great for them! So much positivity going on, something we all need in our lives :)

As I mentioned on Friday, I fled from school in order to enjoy the long weekend! These past three days at home have been wonderful. I left school right after my Internship on Friday, arrived home two hours later and have been enjoying my time ever since.

Also on Saturday, I went to go see my older brother Russell and his wife Christine at their new house! They just bought their first house together a few weeks ago, and are slowly but surely settling in. It was wonderful to make the drive to go and see them and their new digs, as we caught up and I was also able to see my dad, Diane and Christine’s parents as well!

Such a great visit with everyone- good food, nice company, great conversation… can’t ask for more than that :)

Gosh I love my family so much <3! I wish I had snapped more pictures, but I kind of forgot to, plus I wanted to focus my attention more on the company I was with, rather than pictures for the blog… which is always in the back of my mind at events! More on this later though :)

But of course, there is always more to mention!

Remember last Monday when I talked about going to my dad’s house for a Sunday night dinner? Well whether you read it or not, basically an idea behind that post was the lack of trust I have with my body. I “must’ monitor what I eat and how much I exercise 150% of the time or otherwise I will gain weight before I realize what is going on. The emotional distress will be be close behind- sadness, insecurity, anxiety… weight gain/fatness= these things.

For whatever reason, emotionally I was feeling less than stellar that day. I felt-

  • That I had not accomplished enough that weekend: school work, exercising, challenging myself
  • Did not truly deserve a rest day and I should get my lazy ass to the gym or out on a run pronto
  • That I should have been more social and not stayed in on Friday night, even though I was exhausted and wanted a night to myself.
  • That I was just not in the mood to put myself together, throw on a pair of jeans (as I was already feeling heavy from my lack of working out that day), and be social with everyone.

The point is, before leaving campus last Sunday for my dad’s I felt like crap- mentally and physically- due mostly to the eating disorder… as-freakin-usual.

I was fearful the day I was venturing to my dad’s because I was not sure what was being served, if I would be “okay” eating it (especially on a rest day), and then how my body would handle the unfamiliar food. Realistically and logically, I am quite aware that the idea of moderation is one that must be remembered because it’s true!

I love to eat healthy and that is GREAT! You know what else rocks? The fact that I can consume “indulgent” foods and won’t blow up like a balloon! Now I just have to remember and internalize my own wisdom and advice…

That day at my dad’s turned out to be wonderful, as the rational side of me knew it would.

See? Happy!

I apologize for back tracking a bit there, but there is a reason for this and how I was able to be much more “okay” with going to my brother’s house this past weekend.

It was the same kind of situation- out of my comfort zone, off to eat food that I was not preparing, had no idea what was being served or what “terrifying (aka going to make me fat) ingredients were in there, etc. However, how I felt this past Saturday about the dinner was momentously different than the previous weekend at my dad’s. I was fine with the unfamiliar… in fact I was ready to take on the mental challenge of not knowing what I would be eating…. I embraced it!

This is something so positive right? A mindset that really shows how much my recovery is paying off? YES, but also NO at the same time… and writing and thinking this out has allowed me to understand a bit more about the lack of anxiety I felt.

Before venturing to my brother’s house that night, I had gone through the day EXACTLY how I like to (or my ED liked to?!)-

  • Woke up early, had coffee, consumed an apple, headed to the gym
  • Kicked my own ass and pushed myself harder than I ought to have through an intense circuit workout
  • Refueled with a proper but very nutritious meal- could have used more calories!
  • Stayed active for the next few hours by walking around, standing and baking, cleaning, organizing
  • Overall I was feeling “thinner” that day… my jeans fit alright, I deemed I looked okay in the mirror… you know it was just one of those days where I felt good with myself. Rare, but they do happen!

By the time I was set to leave that evening, I was thinking about dinner and what would be served, but much more about how excited I was to see my loving family. Additionally, I had brought some “just in case” snacks for myself, which always provides me with a feeling of safety and reassurance. Well at least I will have something I am okay consuming!

As I said before, the night turned out great… I stayed for several hours, got a tour of the new house, conversation, ate a delicious tortilla soup served with fajitas courtesy of my sister-in-law (all healthy!) and had a great time!

Looking at this right now, it seems that nothing is wrong. I went out of my comfort zone to drive there, talked, ate, drove home. Badda bing, badda boom. More to this though…

I am understanding that the reason for my “good” mood and willingness to go there was because everything had been going just the way I like it earlier in the day. I didn’t eat as much as I ought to have at that point, exercised, was enjoying a “thinner” day- all aspects that make my disordered eating voice particularly pleased.

My good mood was because of my eating disorder.. things were going just the way they should be, therefore I am in a positive mood.

No no, I do not like this. This past weekend allowed me to gain an understanding that much too often how I decide things, how I present myself, my personality and mood for that day, are based off of how the disordered  eating is effecting me.

  • I didn’t follow the “rules” today= pissy, crappy, sad, FAT mood.
  • I stayed virtuous by under eating (even just a tad), felt skinnier, etc= great mood, everything is wonderful!

Well this certainly needs to stop! I cannot allow how I mentally go about a day be based on my eating disorder. I mean, I am aware this has been happening for quite some time now, but this past weekend really struck a chord and gave me a better understanding.

This all comes down to the idea that the disordered eating cannot rule my life… yeah duh. It cannot influence things for me, or have a say in how or what I decide aspects of my daily existence. My personality, my mood, myself, is simply not allowed to be connected to this illness that has consumed me in the past.

Although I am still striving to understand “who I am,” I can say with sincerity and correctness that I am NOT this eating disorder. Yes it is a part of me, but it is not ME… it is not my existence, what I have to offer, and how I will go about living. I must continue working to differentiate between the logical, recovering Tessa and the sick part, that continuously tries to pull me back to the darkest point I have ever experienced.

No thank you. 

-Do you ever find that your good mood is based on how you are physically feeling- as in “I am fat/thin today and therefore this is how I feel!” Of course YES for me… working on it though!

-Do you find that days when you have not treated your body the way you “should” be, whatever that means for your current health status, are you in a worse mood, or make decisions based on this?

-If you can, how do you pull yourself out of a bad body-image/feeling day?

-How was your weekend? Tell me 1, 2, 3, however many great things you want to!

I have to pack up and head back to school today… see you all in Western Mass :)

 

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{ 94 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Khushboo February 20, 2012 at 6:40 am

Another wonderfully thought-provoking post! I definitely have fat days and they do affect mood…although I can quickly snap out of it by changing into an outfit I know I will be more mentally comfortable and satisfied with! Also reminding myself how delusional I am being helps ;)! Glad you had a great weekend with family. It was my grandmother’s 80th birthday so we celebrated on Saturday!
Khushboo recently posted..Eating healthy across borders

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2 tessa8m February 21, 2012 at 11:17 am

I am glad you had a nice weekend too lady! Thank you for your thoughts here :)

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3 Lauren @ What Lauren Likes February 20, 2012 at 7:08 am

So true! Sometimes if I’m having an off day, it’s because I feel fat/gross. Great post :)
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4 Alexandra February 20, 2012 at 7:17 am

Wow what an eye opening weekend! I loathe when that dumb ED voice tries to take over and ruin family time by saying “you’re fat today” or “you don’t deserve to have fun”. I had a bit of that creep in over this past weekend too, but like you, by focusing more on my family and the fun we had, I managed to kick the thoughts to the curb. It sounds like you dealt with the struggles really well and thoroughly enjoyed your time at home! I’m so proud of you friend, you never fail to inspire me! :)
Hope you have a great week! Love ya girly!! :D
Alexandra recently posted..Color Run Dallas Recap!

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5 tessa8m February 21, 2012 at 11:18 am

Ughh yes exactly, and I am so so glad you were able to prevail through those thoughts too! It can be so so hard sometimes, but just have to keep plugging away

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6 Sarah @ feeedingbrainandbody February 20, 2012 at 7:54 am

I can totally relate to this, my mood is definitely based on how I physically feel. For instance if I miss a workout I’m in a not so great mood. I definitely need to learn to let my real mood dominate! Great post :) That’s great that the evening at your brothers turned out well, the dinner sounds delicious!
Sarah @ feeedingbrainandbody recently posted..A Quick Lesson in Hot vs. Cold

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7 tessa8m February 21, 2012 at 11:19 am

Thank you Sarah… the missing a workout thing is ridiculous for me, I just need to get over it!

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8 Erica @ For the Sake of Cake February 20, 2012 at 7:55 am

I definitely find that my mood is altered by how I’m feeling physically. Even something as silly as a bad hair day, or picking out the “wrong” outfit can put me in a funk for the entire day!
Erica @ For the Sake of Cake recently posted..Strawberry-Banana Baked Oatmeal

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9 tessa8m February 21, 2012 at 11:19 am

And that is why it helps to dress up sometimes and take the time to put yourself together :) I know that helps me out!

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10 Dorsa @ Running Thoughts February 20, 2012 at 8:54 am

I always feel that way, if I feel “thin’ I am in a better mood.. Its frustrating, but I try not to let it run my life…
Dorsa @ Running Thoughts recently posted..George Washington 10k

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11 tessa8m February 21, 2012 at 11:20 am

Me too Dorsa… a continuous work in progress

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12 Kaitlyn February 20, 2012 at 8:55 am

There are definitely days where my mood is completely based on the “disordered eating” part of my head….especially when it involves going out, dressing up, meeting up with people, being social, etc.

Actually, this past Saturday night, I was getting ready to go out to dinner…I had felt fine all day, had worked out, but suddenly I started feeling bloated and “fat”…which immediately sent me into a crabby mood. After a while, I was able to tell myself “for goodness sake, you did not just gain 5 pounds in 5 minutes…your clothes all still fit normally, this is all in your head”…..I found that this mental coaching definitely helped, but it is still difficult for me to do.

Thanks so much for sharing your experiences :) You’re amazing!
Kaitlyn recently posted..So many new things!

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13 tessa8m February 21, 2012 at 11:21 am

That’s great that the technique helped you out! I should try that next time I am feeling low

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14 Lindsay @ In Sweetness and In Health February 20, 2012 at 8:55 am

So glad you are recognizing this! And yes, there are definitely times when my mood is based on how I’m physically feeling. I think it’s somewhat natural to feel that way on occasion, but we know it can be a problem when it’s like that all the time! I know that you are strong enough to be able to overcome it Tessa!
Lindsay @ In Sweetness and In Health recently posted..Sometimes Healthy Living Means Letting Go

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15 tessa8m February 21, 2012 at 11:22 am

Oh yes exactly… all of the time is never a good thing!

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16 Colleen @ Jimmy Choos on the Treadmill February 20, 2012 at 8:59 am

I’m so proud of you, Tessa! You have made amazing strides in the few months that I’ve been reading your blog and you are continuing to make progress. It’s great that you recognize that it is in fact a difficult process and it certainly isn’t something you can change over night. Enjoy your time with your family!
Colleen @ Jimmy Choos on the Treadmill recently posted..Avoid the Weight Gain

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17 tessa8m February 21, 2012 at 11:23 am

Thank you Colleen :)

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18 lifeofgrowth February 20, 2012 at 8:59 am

Yes, the way I feel phisically conducts to some behaviours and thoughs, postive or negative. When I am feeling fat, my mood goes down, and probably I wont treat myself with love…

So, I understand what you are saying.
You are learning with your experiments and life, so one day you will be free of that thoughs, Kiss!*

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19 tessa8m February 21, 2012 at 11:24 am

Thank you… one day at a time!

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20 Lisa ♥ Healthful Sense February 20, 2012 at 9:04 am

There are days when I feel thin and days when I feel bloated but what’s important is how I respond to those thoughts.
If a little voice in my head is telling me that my stomach is bloated and my jeans are too tight then I stay positive, think productive thoughts, and take action (do something relaxing like go for a walk, clean, shower, etc.). Easier said than done but you really do learn to be empathetic with yourself after lots of practice.
xx
Lisa ♥ Healthful Sense recently posted..Giveaway: 3 New Flavors Of Chobani

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21 tessa8m February 21, 2012 at 11:25 am

Thank you for the encouragement Lisa… i always appreciate your supportive words!

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22 Living, Learning, Eating February 20, 2012 at 9:06 am

I love how introspective you are! So many people would be like ‘I am in a good mood, ergo everything is okay.” You’re so smart, you should be a psychologist! ED specialty, of course. :)
Living, Learning, Eating recently posted..My Favorite New Things

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23 sarah February 20, 2012 at 4:49 pm

I agree! Tessa, I am always amazed by how insightful you are, that is soo important I think in your journey to health!

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24 tessa8m February 21, 2012 at 11:25 am

Aww ladies thank you so much :)

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25 Alex February 20, 2012 at 9:21 am

This is such an insightful post. I totally get the mindset ‘well i am pushing myself’ as a way for the ED to creep right back in. Something I did and still do is to break ED rules whenever I can, whether that is a dessert at lunch (do it everyday!) or ordering a caloric beverage at a restaurant. By continuing to address that I still have thoughts and that the ED can still creep back in keeps me accountable. But honestly, your post was so truthful and honest and you are really fighting back by addressing it. Way to go!

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26 tessa8m February 21, 2012 at 11:26 am

It sounds like you are fighting back with vengeance and determination too! This is quite helpful for to read… let’s both keep going strong!

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27 Ashley @ My Food 'N' Fitness Diaries February 20, 2012 at 9:35 am

tessa, thank you for opening up about this! man oh man, can i relate all too well with what you’re saying here… there’s definitely been plenty of times where i have to force myself to snap out of my bad mood just because i ate unhealthy or didn’t get a workout in. it’s not fair to anyone around me, and i don’t like myself when i get like that. plus, it’s just plain ridiculous! it’s something i’m constantly working on and getting better at with time. you are such an awesome example and i appreciate you being so real! :) xoxo
Ashley @ My Food ‘N’ Fitness Diaries recently posted..Short & Sweet

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28 tessa8m February 21, 2012 at 11:27 am

This is something for me to think about Ashley.. how it effects other people around me! This was a reminder I needed to hear!

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29 Kaitlin @4loveofcarrots February 20, 2012 at 10:15 am

Tessa, you should be so very proud of yourself for figuring out your emotions and why you certain ways about yourself when it comes to what you do and do not allow yourself to eat. It takes a lot of courage to get to the reason behind why we have disordered eating and I think you are headed in the right direction right now. I totally know how you feel, I hated myself on the days that I was a bitch because I was feeling “fat” and sorry for myself, I would lash out at people and the second it happened I felt horrible and wanted to scream this isn’t me. The best thing you have done for yourself is not let the ED define who you are, you are determined to win and you will. It will always semi be with us but never as prevalent, I still have a few “fear” foods that I swear if I eat I will gain 10lb’s we both no that isn’t true in the least and it is something I am trying to get over but like anything it takes work.

When ever you are having a “fat” day just tell yourself that you are beautiful and you have come so far already these thoughts aren’t your thoughts its the disorder trying to get the best of you and you wont let it.

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30 tessa8m February 21, 2012 at 11:36 am

I really appreciate these supportive words Kaitlin… I need to hear this sometimes and it helps me more than you know! We both need to keep counteracting the negative thoughts that we both know are wrong!

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31 Maria @ Beautiful Busy Bee February 20, 2012 at 11:34 am

If I need to get out of a bad body image day I just talk to other people, have a laugh with my friends, or something because when I’m chatting it takes my mind off how I look or feel and just a brief distraction will make me feel better all day. :)
Maria @ Beautiful Busy Bee recently posted..When you fall down, get right up again.

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32 tessa8m February 21, 2012 at 11:28 am

I have been finding that interacting with others helps me out too!

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33 Kat February 20, 2012 at 11:43 am

oh goodness the way I think I look totally effects my mood!! It is probably the only thing that has that much control over my mood…which is horrible! But Im really trying to work on that too :)
As for this weekend, I got to see my bro wrestle for the first time and he won!! He got this huge championship belt and everything. I was one proud sister :)
Kat recently posted..Cake for breakfast?

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34 tessa8m February 21, 2012 at 11:29 am

All you can do is work on it, and it sounds like you are Kat! That is so great about your brother too! Congrats to him :)

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35 Anna @ The Guiltless Life February 20, 2012 at 12:06 pm

That sounds like a totally fun weekend and I meant to comment on Friday and say you’re adorable, I loved your vlog! I always love seeing what bloggers actually look like (beyond photos of course).

PS – your brother is a looker! Shame he’s married …. hahaha!
Anna @ The Guiltless Life recently posted..BAFTA Awards 2012 Fashion

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36 tessa8m February 21, 2012 at 11:30 am

hahahah I will tell him, he will appreciate the compliment :) And thanks Anna, I hope you had a lovely weekend!

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37 Errign February 20, 2012 at 12:16 pm

I pull myself out of bad body images moments by just telling myself I am awesome and fabulous and wearing an awesome outfit.

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38 tessa8m February 21, 2012 at 11:37 am

That always does make a positive difference :)

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39 Amy Lauren February 20, 2012 at 12:27 pm

I definitely feel like that! I remember one night, I shaved my legs and put lotion on them and stuff… well, I don’t know about you but it seems like putting lotion on my legs makes my jeans “seem” tighter? Anyway, my husband and I were going out to eat and I was in a totally crabby mood because of the tightness of my jeans, when it was really the lotion and the fact that I’d just put them on from washing them… sometimes you just have to think about your thoughts (weird as that sounds) and the reasoning behind them, I guess.

The other day, I got a facial at a beauty school… under $20, and it helped the student learn how to do them, and made me feel a whole lot better. It’s definitely a good way to treat yourself and my face feels better too! Not getting any younger, so it probably improved my physical and mental health.

I had a good weekend… went to a Mardi Gras party and Homecoming at my university!
Amy Lauren recently posted..Valentine’s Day and Shameless Self-Care

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40 tessa8m February 21, 2012 at 11:31 am

I actually know exactly what you are talking about here… with the lotion thing I mean! Little things like that facial can make all the difference, I need to remember this for next time!

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41 Colleen February 20, 2012 at 1:50 pm

Oh my this post DEFINES me. My mood is 80% based on the quality of my w/outs and 20% based on how “loose” my clothes are fitting me at any given moment. If I dont’ meet my minimum calorie goal at the gym every single morning then you better bet I’m in a crappy mood all day b/c I am going to have to meet my nightly minimum PLUS do extra to make up for the negative morning results. It’s HORRIBLE. HORRIBLE. I have no clue how to break this cycle and it’s getting worse! I’m upping my minimum # and I just am physically and mentally exhausted by the end of the work week.

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42 tessa8m February 21, 2012 at 11:34 am

Aww Colleen, your words are making me sad for your lovely self! You are already doing sooo much physical activity in a week, more than anyone I know! You certainly don’t need to up the amount, please don’t! Your body is going to break apart before you know it :( Think about harsh realities like that, and it could help! It helps me out

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43 Heidi @ Idlehide February 20, 2012 at 2:58 pm

I totally relate to this, it makes me feel normal! It is a tough way to be day-to-day, but just remember you are in shape you look great. You have a big support system in the blog world! :)
Heidi @ Idlehide recently posted..Superfoods!

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44 tessa8m February 21, 2012 at 11:35 am

Thank you Heidi :) Knowing I have the support is just amazing and helps me out a whole lot!

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45 StoriesAndSweetPotatoes February 20, 2012 at 3:26 pm

This ED mood trick is the worst because your ED being happy can trick you into thinking you’re feeling “recovery happiness”. This is why EDs are so freaking hard to overcome because they flip everything over when you don’t know it. Recognizing this when it happens is a huge deal. One day at a time. And then again. :)
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46 tessa8m February 20, 2012 at 7:46 pm

Oh yes… keep going, every.single.day. and then repeat!

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47 CJ @ http://healthy-happy-whole.com/ February 20, 2012 at 3:27 pm

I’m really sad to admit I am exactly like this. I let my crazy disordered way of thinking dictate my mood, my actions and often I miss out on really cool things because I am too scared to participate! You are so right that WE are not our disorder. WE are really awesome women who have interests and personalitiesaside from food and exercise. You are doing great at testing the limits and I think by assessing these things each time they happen you continue to get stronger!
CJ @ http://healthy-happy-whole.com/ recently posted..Learning Self-Care

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48 tessa8m February 20, 2012 at 7:45 pm

Aww CJ don’t be sad to admit this! It is what I am going through now of course, and I am not sad about it… angry yes, but not sad. I am going to use my anger to fuel my desire to continue fighting this pain in the butt illness!

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49 Jana @ Newly Wife Healthy Life February 20, 2012 at 3:45 pm

I have battled this for a long time girl! On days when I am active and eating healthy, I am in a great mood and feel comfortable and confident. Days when I eat have meals or my pants feel tight, I can have depressed, sad, and angry feelings. I totally agree with you: our moods should not be based on our bodies or stayinginour comfort zones. We need to try and find happiness in all areas and all situations in life! Great post :-)
Jana @ Newly Wife Healthy Life recently posted..Vow to Start Monday on a Healthy Note

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50 tessa8m February 20, 2012 at 7:44 pm

Yes exactly… focusing on other important aspects of life makes all the difference!

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51 Ashley @ AlmostVegGirlie February 20, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Yes, I can totally relate to these feelings! I definitely feel better, aka skinnier, on days that I happen to eat less, exercise more or weigh myself and see a number I like. On other days the opposite happens and I feel like crap. But really, this is completely illogical and like you said, not a good way to base our moods. I’m glad you’ve been figuring this out though and trying to work on it!
Ashley @ AlmostVegGirlie recently posted..Saturday Seven: Do the Kale Hail

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52 tessa8m February 20, 2012 at 7:46 pm

I am glad too, and you should work on it too Ashley! i am hear with ya girl

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53 Natasha February 20, 2012 at 4:14 pm

I can totally relate to this – whenever I wake up feeling kinda “blah” it can ruin my day. Usually it starts with me waking up too exhausted to workout, so I end up not going to the gym, and then I feel gross for the rest of the day!
Usually to get my mind off of negative thoughts I distract myself by hanging out with friends – they always pick up my mood and help me focus on more important things in life!
Something awesome that has happened to me – In the past five days (not including today) I worked out once hahah! I haven’t done that in years and it was very liberating to be honest!
Also, funny story, I actually thought I had mono (I don’t thank goodness, but the reason I thought I did is because my bff just recently had it and we have shared cups and stuff in the past) and I was feeling so horrible for days – I’m talking headaches, sleeping way more than usual, no energy to exercise, etc.
I finally figured out what it was – I recently started putting liquid stevia in my coffee to add a little bit of sweetness, and ohhhh boy did my body hate it! Hahahhaha I was wondering why I all of a sudden felt so frickin crappy! Just goes to show that just because something is labeled as “all natural” doesn’t mean it is good for you. Generally speaking I don’t really believe in those weird, mysterious low-cal or no-cal additives – they kinda creep me out, and now I can definitely justify hating those types of “foods”!
Natasha recently posted..Ability to adapt and relief

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54 tessa8m February 20, 2012 at 7:43 pm

This is so helpful for me to read… that you haven’t worked out, of course have not blown up and actually feel fantastic about it! love it Natasha, and thank you for telling me this :)
Oh and I am supaaa glad you don’t have mono!

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55 Natasha February 20, 2012 at 7:55 pm

Ya I was actually worried obviously that I would somehow gain some weight, but I weighed myself and I actually ended up being pretty much the exact same weight (the scale said I lost less than 1 pound, but that is negligible). I think I definitely needed this reassurance that when life and things you can’t control get in the way of exercise, it will be okay!
Natasha recently posted..Ability to adapt and relief

56 Julia @ girl with a stethoscope February 20, 2012 at 5:38 pm

First off, your family is adorable and I love how close you are! It’s really nice to see :)

I have to say that I can totally relate. My mood def depends on how I Feel about myself. If I wake up in the am feeling “fat” my mood automatically turns into crap. I am moody and I feel really bad about myself. If I wake up and step on the scale and like what I see, I am on top of the world. I think this has been the hardest part for me to deal with because SO much of my viewpoint for the day has to do with the way I physically see myself.
Julia @ girl with a stethoscope recently posted..Things That Make Me Smile =]

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57 tessa8m February 20, 2012 at 7:41 pm

This is something we both have to work on Julia… and it is possible to! Prioritizing what is essential and important in our lives with help this… a tough process but it can be done

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58 Laura @ LauraLivesLife February 20, 2012 at 5:40 pm

I think it has to be the marathon training, but I’m realizing how much better my runs are when I’m listening to my body and eating what I want/need – I know that even if I overindulge, it’ll never be so much that I wake up weighing 235 in the morning!

I’m glad that you’re recognizing how the ED can make you feel happy even when you also know the dangerous side – I think you’ve tapped into what is important, though – realizing that spending time with your family makes to happier, and it isn’t worth forgoing that for the ED happiness! I’m glad you had a great weekend!
Laura @ LauraLivesLife recently posted..Eats, Runs, & Writes

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59 tessa8m February 20, 2012 at 7:39 pm

I am glad to be recognizing it too! And so awesome you are listening to your body, especially during hard core training for a marathon!

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60 Sarah February 20, 2012 at 7:13 pm

I don’t have an eating disorder, but I agree that on days when I’m feeling particularly bloated or weeks when I’ve been a bit lazy, I can be really moody! It’s always good to remember that we have the ability to change out moods, just by changing our mindsets. Well done with going out of your comfort zone, you deserve that time with family and friends to be the best it can be.
Sarah recently posted..A few of my favourite things

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61 tessa8m February 20, 2012 at 7:38 pm

So so true… thinking about our mindsets and realize how much mental power we have can make all the difference!

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62 Chelsea @ The Nut Butter Runner February 20, 2012 at 7:18 pm

Oyyy, I defs struggle with this sometimes.. Like when my workout schedule gets thrown off, I turn into megabetch. Or when I don’t do what I think is “satisfactory” for my training for the day.. Out comes my evil twin. It’s so annoying! I fought it today though, hard core, because my friend was supposed to lift with me but couldn’t, so I was missing my lift of the day.. I bitched a bit, then got over it and had a great dinner with her. Because lifting shouldn’t define my day, period. I’m glad that you’re trying to not let the ED define you! It’s so easy to let little things (or big things, like the ED) define you, and to get so used to them that you can’t even imagine yourself without them.. But honestly, the things we need in life are our families and friends, not the little things. So good job for enjoying time with your family, and you can work on the rest as you recover more! It’s great that you realize and are trying to fix it :)
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63 tessa8m February 20, 2012 at 7:37 pm

Thank you Chelsea for your thoughts and encouragement here! You are so right too, family is the most important aspect, and everything else is so trivial in the grand scheme of things
I am glad you were able to get over your negative thoughts too

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64 chelcie @ chelcie's food files February 20, 2012 at 7:20 pm

when I use to weigh myself everyday it always effected what kind of mood I would be in for the morning and even the rest of the day sometimes..I was way too hard on myself and if I was a pound heavier than I wanted to be I would be in a bad mood for a while..so I realized that the scale is not a good judgement of how I feel and I stop letting it affect my mood:)
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65 tessa8m February 20, 2012 at 7:35 pm

Oh yes the scale can sure damper my day! Best just to go on without it..something I have known about forevaaaa, but still cling to

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66 Michelle @ Blogitness February 20, 2012 at 7:24 pm

Another amazing post..I love reading what you have to say! By the way, your family is adorable!
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67 tessa8m February 21, 2012 at 11:50 am

Thank you Michelle!

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68 Maggie @ Running on Fro-Yo February 20, 2012 at 7:49 pm

I am loving all these posts- they basically seem to speak exactly what is always on my mind! I definitely have days where my mood/attitude are determined by how my body physically looks and how I feel about what I’ve eaten, etc. but I am definitely trying to push those thoughts out of my head and realize that happiness doesn’t DEPEND on those things, even if they do help out sometimes!
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69 tessa8m February 21, 2012 at 11:51 am

Ahh yes exactly Maggie… sometimes it helps when you do feel “thinner” but that should not be the only reason for it!

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70 Mallory @ Have Your Cake February 20, 2012 at 8:11 pm

i love how self-aware you are! i definitely think about this too. i have gotten way WAY better about it (as in – i dont step on the scale and let it determine my mood for the day..in fact ive recently stopped weighing myself at all..the scale actually has dust on it, WOO, haha) but there are definitely days where i feel “better” or “worse” based on how much i ate the day before, how hard my workout was, or how my clothes fit. i think i am really getting better at finding happiness/fullness in life without basing it off of how i feel about myself, but it is still sometimes a struggle. to do that i find that trying new things, new hobbies, going out when i DONT want to, etc all helps.
Mallory @ Have Your Cake recently posted..Weekend Recap, Including my Date

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71 tessa8m February 21, 2012 at 11:52 am

That’s awesome to hear that you have gotten better about it Mallory! It just takes practice and it’s what we are both doing

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72 Abby @ Abz 'n' Oats February 20, 2012 at 8:30 pm

I feel like my good moods are dependent on that at times but not nearly as often as they used to be. It used to be a daily battle with that scale. The days that I feel like I haven’t treated my body well by fueling it with whole, healthy foods I am usually pretty down on myself and disappointed with the choices that I have made. I’m not really sure how I pull myself out of those days. It has been a bit of a struggle lately. My weekend was okay. Definitely some drama involved which makes me more than excited to be moving on Friday. I am ready for a fresh start! :)
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73 tessa8m February 21, 2012 at 11:53 am

It’s really helpful for me to hear that you have improved so much Abby, you are showing it’s quite possible!

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74 Kelly @ Foodie Fiasco February 20, 2012 at 8:55 pm

I don’t think you’re capable of writing an uninspiring post. Seriously, Tessa, you have a gift!

And yes, I do often feel that my moods are somewhat determined by how “thin” I feel. We can work on it together! ;)
Kelly @ Foodie Fiasco recently posted..The Perfect Easy Grain Free Pasta (And a Giveaway Winner!)

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75 tessa8m February 21, 2012 at 11:54 am

Aww wow Kelly thank you!

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76 Paulina (One Smile Ahead) February 20, 2012 at 9:23 pm

I think we all have these types of days. I know I certainly do! It’s so hard to pull yourself out of that bad mood. I usually try to relax and make myself see that my bad thoughts are totally unreasonable. I mean it is really ridiculous! Changing my focus to something else that is positive helps too. You look glowing in those pictures by the way! :]
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77 tessa8m February 21, 2012 at 11:55 am

Thank you Paulina… I think the compliment of “glowing” is a remarkable and welcome one :)

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78 teabagginit February 20, 2012 at 9:47 pm

i totally relate to your basing your mood on your body or your self-worth on you perceived thinness. when i start feeling myself get in a funk, i actively try to remember how unhappy i was during the “dark” ed. i may be bigger now. i may have more fat on my stomach. but i laugh out loud and i don’t think i “belly laughed” for the 3 years of my ed. that happiness is like prozac for my bad mood!
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79 tessa8m February 21, 2012 at 11:56 am

Reflecting on my past terrible experiences definitely gives me a kick in the butt too

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80 Tara February 21, 2012 at 7:01 am

Ugh I wish feeling fat/skinny didn’t impact my mood but it does. Nothing sucks more than a fat day. Usually because that means I feel gross and my energy is low too. Fat and skinny aren’t moods or emotions, and I hate how we’ve made them that way!!
Tara recently posted..My Valentine, The Treadmill

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81 Melissa February 21, 2012 at 7:24 am

Tessa! I don’t know how I lost track of your blog for so long, but I’m so glad I found my way back! I have been really struggling with ED issues lately and I’m trying to kick it once and for all, but I realize that something I’ve had in my brain for the last 12 years isn’t going to go quietly. Thanks for reminding me of that and for making me feel a little more normal! I’m working on more POSITIVE self talk rather than listening to those negative voices that let me fall back into my ED patterns. Thank you so much for being someone I can really relate to! XO
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82 tessa8m February 21, 2012 at 11:57 am

Hi Melissa! I somehow loss track of yours too, but I am glad you found mine again! Now I am off to check out yours once again lady

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83 Nikki February 21, 2012 at 11:33 am

I know how you feel!!! It’s like one day I feel good about myself and that makes me happy, but the next day can be totally the opposite! I wish it weren’t that way, because being happy all of the time would be great :) As for my weekend, it was great! Very relaxing…though I wish I got to spend it with family as you did! Looks like a good time to me!!
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84 Chelsea @ One Healthy Munchkin February 21, 2012 at 12:05 pm

ED or no ED, I think a lot of girls can relate to having these “fat days”! I can definitely relate. I also find I’m in a much better mood when I’m having a good hair day, wearing a cute outfit, etc. It’s so hard to not let our appearance dictate our moods!

My weekend was really good – I’m home for reading week so I’ve been spending lots of time just chilling out and cooking with my family. It’s been so relaxing! :D
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85 Melissa @TryingtoHeal February 21, 2012 at 1:43 pm

I know the feeling Tessa. I have been through this cycle more times than I can count and still have a hard time with it. But it eventually wears off…no pun intended. You will get to the day where you won’t worry about your jeans, or feel “fat” in them. Best of luck hun! Your recovery story is amazing so so many.
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86 tessa8m February 24, 2012 at 7:28 pm

I can’t wait for that day Melissa!

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87 Kaitlyn@TheTieDyeFiles February 21, 2012 at 2:24 pm

It’s great that you’re able to identify the sources of your moods. My feelings about my body definitely dictate how I feel (and what I wear). No tight shirts on bloated days!
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88 sarah (onedayiwillseethesun) February 21, 2012 at 2:33 pm

This is a great post as always and thought provoking. I hope you can see hw far you have come with your recovery and how far you are going to go. I know for myself its hard for me to see how hard that I have been fighting against the ed till people remind me:p Anyway I can relate to what you said, for sometimes my modd is dictated by a number on the scale and I am trying to not weigh myself daily or be dictated by what a number says!!! my weekend was nice I went for a relaxing cycle ride with my boyfriend and even had 1/4 of his scone.

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89 Brittany February 21, 2012 at 6:31 pm

I have “fat” days all too often. The second I look in the mirror and dislike how my clothes feel, I know it’s going to be a bad day. Then the opposite, when I feel like I look good, I have a great day. I think there is a huge correlation there.
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90 Sophie @ LoveLiveAndLearn February 22, 2012 at 8:03 am

You are so strong Tessa, and so inspiring! I know I’ve said this before but I really admire how brave you are in writing all of this!

I struggle at not letting my condition define me or my mood so I can understand what you mean. When I’m having a difficult body image day I just tell myself to focus instead on how lucky I am to have this body, even with all of its issues, I could be far more disabled!

I spent this weekend with Tom so it was lovely :-)
Sophie @ LoveLiveAndLearn recently posted..This Weekend #2.

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91 Sarah February 23, 2012 at 12:02 am

Hi girl, I totally love your blog and my friend and I are starting our own recovery blog too! (follow us ;) haha). Thank you for being such an inspiration and reminding me that recovery is so worth it. Anyways, I can completely relate to having my mood be based on superficial things like what I ate or what the scale said! It’s very hard, but lately I have been trying to focus on the things that really matter to me, like if I’m a good friend, and how I treat others, (not what my ED says “should” matter). The bottom line is, though, that your ED will NEVER make you feel good enough. Just when you feel like you’re having a “good” day, it will tell you, you ate too much or didn’t exercise enough. So I love that you’re focusing on what really matters… what people will really remember you by (which is not a # on the scale). <3
Sarah recently posted..Write Through the Fight

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92 tessa8m February 23, 2012 at 7:02 am

Thank you so much for stopping by and taking the time to read my blog! You said it right here, the “ED will NEVER make you feel good enough” how freakin true is that! I am off to check out your blog now :)

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93 Holly February 23, 2012 at 7:11 pm

GIRLLLL…seriously… I LOVE your posts. I can relate SO much that it’s almost scary. I LOVE how much time & effort you put into your posts. I can tell that you really put your heart into each post.
About the morning snack…ugh..me too. I hate that I can relate, but I used to be SO good about having one a few months ago, but not anymore :/ The worst part is that I typically hold off on breakfast until like 10am. You want to know what I do? (this is so bad) I justify the creamer in my coffee for some of the calories in my breakfast, so I tend to cut back on what I eat. Yikes. As much as I hate to admit it, it feels good to finally put it out there.
& I’m the SAME way with my afternoon snack too. I don’t eat one now either. Since I eat bfast @ 10am, I typically don’t eat lunch until 2/ 2.30pm. Goodness.
Love reading this though, gives me reassurance.
You are awesome! :) Thanks for these posts!
Holly recently posted..My Crohn’s Story- Part 2

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94 tessa8m February 24, 2012 at 7:27 pm

Hi Holly!
Noooooo! I don’t like hearing this one bit! But you are admitting it, and understanding that you need to change… and also that you are slipping a bit! (it seems that way at least)
Get it out there Holly and then make the healthy changes :)

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