Wow my dear friends, I am (nearly) speechless!
I know I open most of my posts like this, but I honestly could not begin today’s post without first acknowledging your words from Monday. Even though there are times that I feel as if no one could possibly understand what I am thinking and going through, well I am proven wrong. Perhaps I am physically alone all of the time, but emotionally? Not so much, I have all of you out there, and a few readers reminded me of this yesterday. Thank you for reading and taking the time to show how much you care!
Also, JENNY, thank YOU for writing such kind words about me on your blog yesterday! I saw that people were being referred from there and what a delight it was to see what you had written. Made me so very happy
I meant to mention what I am about to say on Monday, but that post was going on wayyy too long already, so it was moved to today! March 5th was my One-Year Blogging Anniversary! (capitals are clearly needed ).
Well, what a year it has been and it’s almost hard for me to truly believe that I began Amazing Asset 365 (err 366) days ago! I started it without a clear understanding of where I was even going with the blog. In fact, I found my first few posts to be rather superficial, as i was trying to fit into the “blogging mold” I had come to find through my own experience of reading HLB blogs. All I knew at that point was I loved the community and wanted to become a part of it, beyond a silent reader.
I do want to reflect on well… my life in the past year- the progress, set backs, accomplishments, lessons, challenges, fears, and realizations. But today is not the day for the mental reflection, the emotional side of my existence for the past 366 days. So how about the physical and more specifically, the food component?
Today is Wednesday and thanks to Jenn, we are all able to showcase our eats in anyway we see fit through What I Ate Wednesday!
I have personally found I form my WIAW posts around how I am currently feeling or what I am thinking about. Today I feel it’s appropriate to look at my eats from one year ago and to show myself and all of you the progress I have made, the changes in thought patterns that have occurred, and the overall improvements that are evident.
I started my blog on March 5th 2011 but didn’t actually write a WIAW post until June, as it’s something that took me a few months to catch on to. However, I remember quite clearly what I was eating at that time in my life, like down to every morsel…. thank goodness for the strides I have made with my daily intake of food. Even in the few months between my first POST and first WIAW, there was a vast improvement.
I have talked before about what I used to eat during the darkest days, but what about in the very beginning of my recovery and the creation of the blog? At that time I was very aware that I needed to make changes but just did not have the power in me to do it…yet.
When I started to write this particular entry, I found myself looking at my past posts and noting the food content part of them. There was never a time that I would document my daily eats other than on WIAW, and that did not begin until June. However, I did mention several doubts I was experiencing, rules that could not be broke, and various other food-related issues, all with the underlying theme of anti-weight gain… nooooo, can’t do it!
It’s odd to think that one year ago I was about 15 pounds less than I am now…
For today’s What I Ate Wednesday, I am going to reflect on the way I thought about and consumed food one year ago… and how how, thank goodness, times I have changed, heck I have changed, and am continuing to heal.
When I was home this past weekend, I tried something new on the griddle,
Green Monster Pancakes (such a weird idea I know) inspired (and pretty much the same thing) by Stuft Mama’s recipe! So dang healthy, and honestly… tasty! Into the blender went:
- Medium banana
- Handful of greens (I used spinach and kale)
- 1 tablespoon of whole wheat flour
- 1 tablespoon chia seeds (you could use an egg or flax)
- 1/4 cup rolled oats
- 1/2 cup egg whites
- 1/2 tsp vanilla
- Cinnamon to taste- I am obsessed with cinnamon so I poured it in.
Blend it all up, poor on griddle and enjoy!
I managed to get three medium size pancakes and one small one, and layered 2% vanilla Chobani in between each pancake. With a few more dashes of cinnamon and even a squeeze of legit maple syrup, while I had one hearty, nutritious and filling meal.
Now allow me to reflect on this meal. One year ago, I opened up here of my mortal fear of eating breakfast- I would only eat an apple and about a pound of carrot sticks to sustain me until lunch, around 2 or 3 pm. I HAD to save calories… I mean what if I get hungry at night and don’t have enough calories in the bank!? Just eat right? Pshh, no way man.
At that point in May of 2011 I was eating breakfast, yet it was really not until a few WEEKS ago, that I am mostly okay with this meal… the trepidation still lingers to a certain extent. The disorder really ingrained itself in my head on this one, and while their is a hesitation with eating too much too early, I notice that every.single.time I do this, the urge to eat like a mad woman by the end of the day is so much less extreme.
One year ago, I would NEVER had eaten a meal like this, let alone for breakfast! You would have had to strap me down and force fed me. Oh and this was consumed at 9:00 am- 500 or more calories before noon?! Am I crazy?! Nope, I am healing and it’s normal.
I returned to school later that day and enjoyed the rest of my eats there…
No need to go into much detail on this one as it goes along with what I said above. I took in maybe 150 calories from when I woke up (7 am most days) to “lunch” time (2 or 3pm)… there was no way in hell I would have a mid-morning snack. Madness I tell you!
Now though I do! And instead of feeling faint before lunch, I am still hungry, but no longer ready to chew my own arm off. To tie me over…
My most favorite popcorn- Popcorn Indiana (original Kettle Corn to be specific) and a serving of dark chocolate almonds- oh lawd are those tasty. Gosh there really is a story behind every single item in this post! Sugary popcorn that I often can’t control myself around? Not even allowed in the house. Almonds? Just no.
And now I enjoy both of these items on a regular, if not daily basis…
Whether or not it’s related to my eating disorder, I have a salad for lunch pretty much daily. It used to be that I absolutely had to make at least one meal vegetable based because calories from any other kind of food would make me fat. A majority of them had to come from items like spinach, peppers, cucumbers, mushrooms… raw vegetables. Oi vey.
So for the past several years salads have been my go-to, but what is in them has changed… for the better of course.
This was an image from the other day… Spinach, tomatoes, mushrooms, peppers, cucumbers- the “safe” vegetables, but here is the kicker- a glob of full fat cottage cheese and TWO eggs with the yolks! Oh and then I topped the entire thing with several handfuls of walnuts sans measuring?! Who am I? This kind of salad has actually been the norm for awhile now and it provides so many wonderful health benefits for myself, plus it tastes fantastic.
Now let’s back up.
A year ago, in the beginning of this blog, salads were my thing, but what was added was crucially different. It was either non fat cottage cheese OR egg WHITES, never ever both… oh and the yolk? Forgettaaaaa bout it. How about a fat in there? Back in March of 2011, I understood how important fats were, but actually consuming them was a whole different story. So a year ago, I would put maybe a teaspoon of olive oil, or 5 walnut halves on top and call it a day (thinking this was too much already).
No wonder I am horrible stomach aches all of the time, none of the roughage was being absorbed! A serving or so of wheat crackers I brought with me were also eaten… I was pining for a salty crunch.
My next meal was consumed around 5:00 pm… a time where I used to chug a diet coke, coffee, or tea in order to “fill” me up until dinner. God forbid I eat even more calories before my precious dinner- the meal I have been “saving” up all day for!
Apple + almond butter:
There is so much to this simple combination of nutritious foods… especially Justin’s Maple Almond butter. The very first time I tried almond butter was almost EXACTLY one year ago and it was this kind, from a small to-go package like this (no where ready to buy a whole jar), and it was paired with an apple.
I remember that night so well. I knew I needed the fats, the recovering me was strong that night so I decided to just sample this almond butter that I had seen everyone eating all over the blog world. So why not me? When the flavor finally hit me, I was seriously numbed by how amazing it tasted… so rich, flavorful… almost too good, scary good. I found that I could not stop, I had to keep tasting it, and before I knew it, the small envelope was gone.
I was beyond guilty and after seeing how much fat I had just consumed (18 grams, nooo!) I freaked out, texted my mom, who reminded me how much I needed this essential nutrient. FATS. It did take some time to get used to regular amounts of fats, but now I consume them no problem… although I am not precise, I know I have way over 70 grams per day.
Well you all now know that I eat alone on a regular basis… and of course that means dinner too. What and where I now eat dinner is actually a major change from one year ago. In fact at this time in 2011, I was still eating dinner with my track team, as I was a member then, but I was so limited in the dining hall with what I was willing to eat.
I didn’t want another salad, as I physically could not handle the roughage, and most of the food from the main line was covered in oil and/or butter. No way, I just could not do it. So I would usually eat an entire melon (they always offer spears of honey dew/cantaloupe), dry cereal and err… that’s it. I was still in a place that I desired to be social and maintain my connections, yet I simply refused to eat any sort of normal amount of food there.
And now on most nights I eat alone. I have what I want, when I want to, and in the environment that makes me feel comfortable. I know this is the ED to an extent, but as I talked about on Monday, it’s just the way it is right now, regardless of where it’s stemming from.
This was something I threw together before leaving home, knowing it would be perfect for part of my dinner.
Sort of an overnight oats concoction! Rolled oats, fiber one cereal (always conscious of my fiber intake now because of the iron supplements TMI-yep), peanut flour, peanut BUTTER, pumpkin, vanilla soy milk, and flax seeds. So random, so good, but looks so narsty
Now that I reflect on this dinner, well what a random assortment it was! On that note, I had a few slices of deli turkey and grapes that were also brought to school.
Not my picture of course (I forgot to snap one ) but this was the basic look!
Ha.ha.ha. what a “funny’ thing dessert used to be. How about 1/2 cup of Kashi or other high fiber cereal? Maybe a fistful of grapes and bang, dessert! Gahhh no. I have since amped it up,
York Peppermint Pretzel Sandwich Dips- woah. A few of these and so many cravings are solved! Chocolate? Check. Salt? Check. Mint- Chocolate (seemingly obsessed)? Check. Sugar? Check. Crunch? Check!
These were pretty much amazing but also difficult for me to have around. These are the types of snack-food that I could definitely binge on and feel awful about it after. While one year ago I had the extreme will-power to resist anything, well that will only last for so long before your body starts to rebel.
Of course though, I am trying to normalize my relationship with food again, and by keeping items like this around, enjoying a serving and putting them away, well I am one step closer to this goal.
It’s pretty extraordinary to really sit down and analyze how much I have gone through, how many changes have been made, challenges that have been overcome…. all in the past year. Although I just looked at the food portion of the last year, my mental attitude has changed as well, otherwise the improvements seen here would never have happened!
I had to be ready to take on the discomfort of changing up my eats, gaining weight and all of that. But it continues to be worth it and that is the thought and realization that I must continue to internalize and reflect on when I am feeling like giving up.
At this moment, I am far from perfect… but that doesn’t mean I’m going to stop striving to reach that point.
-Have you changed the way you eat in the past year? Gone vegetarian for example? Had to give up gluten? Taken on a more nutritious life-cycle? Share anything, negative or positive!
-Where were you in your life one year ago? Are you content with things now, or are you looking for a change?
-If you have a blog, how long have you been blogging for? Just over a year now
-How long did it take you to find your “blogging voice?” Several months for me!
-What products or new recipes have you tried/made lately that are worth noting? Those pretzel dip things… go get some now, I’m tellin ya!
-And of course, what is the very best thing you have eaten in the past week? Seriously, those green monster pancakes are a winner for me.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and I look forward to reading all of your lovely blogs today