I am on Day 2 of not working out and while it is very hard (I refuse to lie about this, it sucks actually) I am just going to keep on embracing the challenge.
You know what I did realize was a part of me not wanting to take a break (besides the obvious of weight gain)? The fear that I actually will NOT WANT TO return to hardcore exercising and running once I feel better. I mean, what if I become lazy and just never get back into it?! Irrationality rearing it’s ugly head again… I have always been into fitness and taking time off does not change my thoughts and morals around this.
But let’s move on for now!
Today is more about FOOD as it’s halfway through the week and therefore time for What I Ate Wednesday! As always, thanks and appreciations go to Jenn blogging over at Peas and Crayons! I missed last week’s WIAW shenanigans so I am more than excited to be back in action
For today’s WIAW post I wanted to give a glimpse into my time at home and all of the different foods and dishes I bought, cooked, ordered and baked! I started to write this post before I made the commitment to stop exercising for an extended amount of time but feel like I owe myself and you all an explanation on what is happening with my food intake with no workouts involved. I am planning to write that for next week though, so stay tuned!
This is not a “normal” What I Ate Wednesday post in that I am not just focusing on one “day in the life” but the various items I was able to eat while home for break. Eating and cooking from my house also allowed me to understand and realize a few things around food (what else is new), and I am going to share those as well. Picture heavy, get ready
Pumpkin Egg White Oatmeal topped with Coconut Butter!
It was my first time EVER trying coconut butter as this rather welcome package was sent to me:
Ahh so many wonderful flavors, thank you Artisana for sending me this very welcome package! It was my first time trying coconut butter for a few reasons… the main one being is that sh*t is expensive!
Understanding #1- Most importantly though, the saturated fat content scares the hell out of me, as I have always learned that saturated fat= doom and gloom. This is not the case though and in fact, coconut butter is insanely good for you. It was essential that I remember this while eating it on my oatmeal as I almost decided to scrape it off. Nope don’t do that, first of all what a waste and second, holy moly was it delicious!
Other items I enjoyed:
Green Monster Pancakes again (on St.Pattys day before venturing into Boston )
Oatmeal made with 2% Breakstone cottage cheese, chia seeds and topped with a mix of Walnut and Pecan butter from the Artisana company.
This was an interesting new one- Green Monster Oatmeal! (found on Angela’s Blog a few days ago)
Oh wow that just looks…. horribly gross haha. Oh yes I know it does! I followed her directions- a whole banana, spinach/kale, milk (I used soy), except used only 1 tablespoon of chia seeds- into the blender, pour over 1/2 cup rolled oats, stir and refrigerate overnight! Oh and I topped it with coconut butter again(!!!)… and heated it up before eating. I hate cold oats, make me want to gag and you all know how I feel about barfing.
Understanding #2- Do you notice something with most of these breakfasts (with the exclusion of the cottage cheese oats)? All of them have a vegetable in them. Either pumpkin, kale or spinach.. whatever green I had on hand. For some disordered reason, I know it has something to do with this, I feel I “need” to have vegetables in some form in the morning. I do not like to have them so early in the day, so I sneak them in to my food… this is fine of course, but not with the reasoning I have.
So why is this? I suppose the reason is I get nervous if I don’t get enough veggies in during the day and as a result I will take too many calories in from other food groups which will lead to excess weight gain. Sigh… well will these perpetual thoughts ever go the heck away? This is a belief I want to challenge though, as I am tired of feeling yet another “need” to have my food consumed in a certain way at a specific time.
When I am at school, I have a salad every.single.day for lunch. I decided it was time to change it up while I was home.. I mean I have access to so many different ingredients and a STOVE, time to get my chef on. Or at least implement some variety.
Pan-seared Ahi Tuna over a mix of kale, onions, tomatoes and mushrooms with a baked sweet potato topped with almond butter on the side.
Oh and this was eaten outside on one of the more glorious-weather days.
This particular day I must have had a number of cravings going on as my snacky-lunch shows! Turkey breast, almonds, sliced red peppers, tomatoes and a carrot thrown in there for good measure.
Since the above was a rather light meal, I had even more raw peppers (anyone LOVE these as much as I do?! Not even low-calorie related, they just taste real good), and a piece of pumpkin cake topped with almond butter.
For the pumpkin cake I used this recipe but omitted the frosting because I wanted nut butter instead
One more note-worthy lunch: CHIPOTLE! After reading some of your recommendations I went with the burrito bowl,
I very much appreciated the input from you all as this was a most delicious choice! I went with the brown rice, pork, romaine, mild salsa, corn, grilled vegetables, and guacamole on the side. This really was enormous and while I could have finished the entire thing in one sitting, I would have not been happy with myself after. I know my body would probably welcome this serving size, but part of this recovery process is learning to eat more mindfully and well, I was full after about 3/5 (I like to be precise) of this bad boy.
But of course there is more to why I didn’t eat all of it…
Understanding #3- Even after all of this time I have been recovering, facing fear foods and rationally knowing one meal will NOT make me fat, I still have trouble being completely 100% okay eating food not cooked by myself… out a restaurant I mean. I have such issues not knowing how much butter/oil they are “sneaking” into my food even when I request them to not serve as much. This relates to Chipotle…
I know they “claim” all of the healthy ingredients and even list nutrition facts but the disordered eating side of me *hates* not knowing for sure what is in the food, how much fat/calories/doom! So dumb, so irrational, sooo needs to stop. Even if there was an unfathomable amount of scary stuff in there, who the hell cares? It IS only ONE meal and I will say this again, logically I understand I will not gain as a result. Enough with this already, I am sure I would have eaten the entire bowl in one sitting!
This also has to do with the extra amount of variety I was able to implement into my daily eats. I felt more comfortable and “okay” doing so because I was in complete control of what went into everything and what it was made with.
It’s not that I am staying away from oils/fat myself, in fact I use several tablespoons for certain recipes! But it’s the knowing part that helps to ease my anxiety. But we all know you cannot always be in control, no matter how hard you try and hang onto it.
Though I was at home an had access to plenty of different snacks, I could not help but to reach for an energy bar every so often. Plus I was able to try one that was sent to me:
The new Blueberry Acai Balance Bar. Now I am NOT just saying this because it was sent to me to review… honestly this is one of the best bars I have never tasted! It has a wonderful blueberry flavor, a nice tough of sweetness (but not overly so), oats on top and a tasty glaze on the bottom. The nutrition facts are great too, 15 grams of protein! I am a fan as the higher protein count keeps me fuller for longer.
Apparently I was on a major blueberry kick last week (berries at breakfast too), because I enjoyed a few of these yogurts:
Wallaby Organic yogurt, another great new product! These were on sale at Whole Foods- One buck each and could not pass that deal up. It was my first time trying this particular greek yogurt and I will tell you, I am a fan. Normally it is quite expensive though so I won’t be buying this kind often.
Love these Popcorner “chips” especially the kettle corn variety,
I go a bit bat-shit crazy for sweet/salty products
Understanding #4- Although it looks like I was sitting down to timely meals and doing normal snacking in between, well that is not exactly the case. While I was on spring break there was of course less structure to my day, it was break after all! As a result, there were a few days that I actually found myself eating less than I out to be having and then “making up for it” later on or at night. That is a viscous cycle I have been enveloped in before and have even engaged in binge-like behavior, so I know it’s something I need to be conscious of.
It’s not that I ever “forgot” to eat… hell no, I don’t think that has ever happened to me in my entire life! No, it was more that I was busy doing other activities, such as baking and cooking (always related to food) and just found it easier not to sit down to a meal. Aka it was simpler not to eat if I was distracted by other stuff going on. This is so clearly the eating disorder trying to push back into my life and the reason I am sharing it is to show how much I battle this suckaaa on a daily basis.
Did that just make any sense? I hope so…
Pan-seared scallops over a kale/onion sautee and roasted butternut squash on the side.
Healthy Chicken Parmesan!
I made this recipe a few months ago and decided to give it a go again, except I used larger chicken breasts this time. A much better choice then the small tenderloins I accidentally bought last time! Served along side quinoa cooked in vegetable brother- try this next time you make quinoa, it gives it such a delicious flavor.
Understanding #5- I noticed this mainly with dinner, but I am VERY indecisive when it actually comes to choosing a food to make or eat later in the evening… again while at home. It’s not that I am afraid to eat or anything like that, but I simply cannot decide on which dish I want to take the time to buy the ingredients for, do prep work, cook and then finally serve.
I believe this stems from the years of deprivation I have put my body through- never allowing myself to even taste the dishes and recipes I would search tirelessly for for HOURS. When I was quite restrictive, I became even more obsessed with food because it was the one thing I was denying myself of having. Makes sense as it is a completely normal, natural and necessary part of life and when you deny your body of such a thing, well your brain reacts quite…interestingly.
So when I was home, I had the opportunity to make anything I wanted and it was tough to decide on just one. Plus the lingering ED thoughts were there- healthy enough(?) being the most obvious. This honestly causes me major anxiety- trying to pick one dish and I know it has to do with the perfect meal idea I try to (illogically) maintain.
I am working to get past the fact that it’s just ONE MEAL and there will be plenty of other chances to try new dishes… enjoy what I have and make what I am in the mood for.
Okay so awesome, fantastic, great story… I went to the mall near me last week wit MA and as we were walking in, I noticed a few people spooning something from a paper/plastic dish into their mouths. After some more people watching ensued, I was able to see they were having ice cream of some sort. Wrong though, not ice cream, FROZEN YOGURT!
That is right people, there is a SELF-SERVE FROYO place officially open near me! Caps are incredibly necessary here. I literally screamed in public when I saw this sign:
My mom didn’t know what the heck was going on, she thought I was scared/in pain/out of my mind <– maybe a bit of the latter It was a necessary reaction, I mean HOLY MOLY there is a god and he has listened to my prayers! After months and months of seeing all of you stinkers eating self-serve froyo whenever you want to, well it’s my dang turn muahahahaaaa
Sorry I know I sound nuts in that above paragraph, can’t help it. In my mix: oreo, peanut butter, red velvet, cheesecake, and some good ole vanilla for good measure… topped with tons of sprinkles, oreo cookie, jelly beans (why not?), blueberries, chocolate covered pretzels.. I think that’s it.
Understanding #6- This type of dessert is and most likely will be my most favorite dessert/treat in the entire world.. forever. I will admit it does slightly have to do with the fact that I know it’s lower-cal, I mean it’s frozen yogurt after all. But honestly, these flavors just taste GOOD, nay GRAND, and I love being able to customize it to my heart’s desire. The only problem I foresee is that this will quite negatively affect my bank account. I am not even joking. Worth it though? You bet your bottom yes.
So there you are, another round of WIAW.. with some understandings thrown in there, both positive and negative, and ones that I really must be conscious of as I continue make the effort toward a life that is free of the constant burden of disordered thoughts! Gah how extraordinary would that be?
Please share your thoughts!
-Do you have trouble making decisions on your meals/snacks? Does it ever provoke anxiety? What helps you to decide on what to eat?
-Do you like coconut butter? What are your favorite uses for it? I just bought a whole jar so I need some new ideas
-When you have less structure in the day, do you still stick to meals or tend to snack more? I am a snacker for sure.
-Does the lack of control you have when going out to eat/fear of the unknown, hinder what you order at places? Or does it stop you from going to certain restaurants/places for food ever?
-And of course, best thing you ate recently?! Hands down the frozen yogurt is my choice! Is that sad? Maybe, but I don’t care
Have a most glorious rest of your Wednesday!