Good Morning and happy Monday! (Let’s go into Monday with a positive greeting mmkay!?)
You all allowed me to feel EVEN MORE excited about being accepted into nursing school! Thank you for all the congratulatory messages, it was so sweet to hear from you all! As I said on Friday I am incredibly relieved at this acceptance because I now have a plan for post-graduation, something I have been umm stressing about like no other for these past few months. I honestly haven’t even really thought about the actual school/learning/work part of this yet haha… so for now I am just basking in the happiness I feel at being accepted
I had a wonderful weekend overall and it was nice to get away from campus, something I am quite fond of at this point.
I actually was only home on Friday night, baked/cooked on Saturday and then drove up to the Cape with my mom to celebrate Easter with my sister-in-law’s family. We are all very close, we don’t get to see each other often and so it was a welcome way to celebrate the holiday! I also love getting to know my sister-in-law’s family more, as she is a great part of my life now, and it’s important to me to get to know those who care for her and who she loves.
My mom and I arrived there Saturday evening, ate dinner with everyone, and played a bunch of board games for the rest of the night… always a fun time! Although being the only sober one there is always interesting… let’s just say I had some laughs that night while watching other people’s behaviors
Sunday I woke up early, took a walk (still nothing hardcore, more on this later), helped with some remaining food prep, went to church (my first time in about errr… 4 years, oops), enjoyed a Easter lunch, and then engaged in an epic ADULT Egg Hunt! There was candy inside each of the eggs, but most importantly, there was a 50 dollar bill hidden in one of them. Everyone’s competitive side came out when the prize was understood and it turned out to be a great, and cut-throat hunt!
Sadly I did not win the money… I tried not to be too pissed lol… But actually I was acting a bit childish there for a bit, I get uber competitive sometimes, it’s bad.
Overall an exceptional Easter and it was especially fun to see different holiday traditions from the family, and to become a part of them as well
Hoookay, so if you read my blog regularly, you probably can guess that there is much more to this weekend then what I am describing here.
More underlying thoughts, emotions that are often difficult to handle. The constant internal voice telling you to do something you want to engage in or do sooo so badly and “can’t”… and of course this usually involves food in some way. I want to talk more about the food aspect of Easter and the thoughts behind it on Wednesday in a WIAW post, so please stay tuned for that.
*Gah this is one of those word-vomit posts… (?) But had to get it out, feel free to skim or not read at all ha!
Today I am going to attempt to explain the title of my post more and what exactly it has to do with, how it played into a few incidences this past week and also during the weekend. Maybe it’s not all about me…? I guess I would consider this to be an extension of my intentional isolation post, where I wrote the reasons I believe I separate myself from everyone and prefer to be alone a majority of the time. But I still feel lost, how much of it has to do with the eating disorder?
It was a very dumb situation on Facebook that prompted these thoughts to occur.
Story time first and I apologize for how incredibly immature this all sounds: Basically Ella* (names changed) I know wrote a comment on Katie’s* wall exclaiming her “excitement” for partying in Boston on (this past) Friday night and then proceeded to tag a bunch of people’s names in the post that were also attending this gathering. The other girls that were tagged are friends of mine from my hometown who I worked out with and hung out with last summer. Now when I say “friends” I suppose I use that term loosely…because I am just so confused on who my actual friends are.
I was not “tagged” in this message and my first thought upon seeing this was… “why aren’t I invited?!” My immediate thoughts were:
- Well clearly Ella does not like me, I must have done something wrong.
- I wonder what I did? Hmm must be that I am just simply not that fun. I mean it’s true after all, I never want to go out, like staying in most of the time, and turn down invites constantly.
- Seriously who really wants to be around me anyway? I am so…. annoying/not funny/boring/____ (insert insulting term here)
What I now realize after all of this rather immature (on my part) situation/reaction, is that I am actually not that close with Ella- we rarely hang out, sometimes talk, and only know each other through mutual friends. It makes sense she didn’t invite me, she probably didn’t even think to do it and it was not a malicious gesture. I am in fact (maybe) not this boring, annoying person that she didn’t want to be around.
And this brings me back to the title of this post, “maybe it’s not all about me.”
I have already talked about my “love” for being alone… doing all things by myself a majority of the time. In fact if I had it my way, I would be alone all of the time, gosh that understanding scares me. But I am still having a difficult time comprehending the true reasons for this isolation- is it REALLY because I want to be alone, or is it a defense mechanism, a result of the eating disorder, what else is really going on?
Yes it does go back to my childhood and being dumped by former friends, or more recently in high school when I lost a beloved group of “friends” because of the combination of my developing eating disorder and their not understanding how to deal with it. I have also been dumped (or I never hear from them again) by guys I have fallen head over heels for… something that happens FAST for me- when I like a guy I know it immediately.
I have already talked about all of this, but it needed to be brought up again in accordance with this post.
The recent ridiculousness on Facebook described above really did open my eyes up to what I have been feeling for quite some time now and what has led to my social choices.
I have this… fear, idea, speculation, (now slowly realizing) absurd thought, that things are always about me in some way… decisions are made, personalities/moods are skewed, changed or “faked” because of me. Let me explain what my brain is concluding a bit better:
- The Facebook situation from the other day- I was not invited on purpose because I suck to be around. No no, it can’t possibly be for any other reason, she doesn’t like me for obvious reasons, I mean who would?!
- When I am around someone that is in a bad mood- I clearly am doing something to piss them off.
- When I am actually with people and they are happy or having a good time with me- hmm must be that they are just pretending or “putting up a front,” can’t possibly be genuine.
- I pass someone I know in the hall or on campus and they look at me strangely or pretend not to see me- well goodness what am I doing that is just so terrible to not even acknowledge my existence?
The last one there is a major aspect of this. I am constantly feeling judged by others, scrutinized in every single way- for my body shape, my weight, what I am wearing, how my hair looks, my shoes, my facial expression….everything and anything physical of course! And then when I am around people at a closer level, as in not just walking by them, but actual interaction/engagement in some way, I am being judged on my personality, my conversation skills, my mood, everything.
Judgey Wudgy was a bear and everything is about me. Is this making any sense? I am honestly unsure because I am afraid I don’t understand my own thought process behind all of this… So often do I feel this way when I am writing posts, it’s confusing.
In the past four or so years, with the development of the eating disorder, the betrayal I have received from certain people, a number of heart aches and let downs, I have become very fearful and sensitive to being excluded. Every time someone acts weird (whatever I deem that to be) to me, or acts moody, angry, gives me a “look” of some kind, in my mind it’s ALWAYS something I have done, said, acted like and so on.
Do I ever even consider the fact that something else might be going on with the person (or group of people) that I believe are making such an effort to not be around me or are rude to me? Could something be happening with THEM that is leading them to be in a bad mood or give me a “weird” look? Could a person not have thought of me when making plans.. not in a malicious way at all… but I was simply not considered?
NOPE none of these things have been considered because for so long now, it’s been about me, I am the offensive one that no one wants to be around. For whatever reason I conclude for the given situation. This is NOT a social anxiety thing either.. I am not afraid of social situations, more exhausted by them because I feel I can’t by myself.
Well now, maybe it is time to change my mindset on all of this. Perhaps make the understanding and conclusion that people have their own lives, their own “stuff” going on, make decisions off of a number of different things. And perhaps, the personalities I see, the plans that are made where I am not not included, or the supposed judgmental looks I receive, really are not about me.
I will say one thing before concluding this all, I know as far as the being included in plans thing goes, part of that is a result of the disorder. Let’s be honest here, people are only going to invite you and then have their invitation declined (by you) so many times before giving up, or no longer thinking to include you… you never say yes after all! I know this plays a role, especially in my own life, but it is not the ONLY reason.
As much as I have believed it up to this point, it’s not all about me. “It’s” …. everything, every aspect, interaction, plan, decision made, look I receive is not all (or always) about me…. All negative aspects of my life or negativity I see/feel from others might have something to do with whatever they are dealing with.
What a relief it would be to get the thought through my thick and (often) disordered/illogical head that people don’t actually hate me all of the time. I am not this incredibly annoying, boring, have-nothing-to-offer person and the faster I ban this notion, the better I will be… being around people more, coming out of my isolation at an increasing rate, will be easier knowing this.
I have to remember that I am NOT constantly being judged on every part of my life, no matter what I so strongly believe. Truly comprehending this will at least prompt me to engage myself with others, and more importantly, will lead to the ability to eventually have my true personality shine through, something that I continuously strive to understand.
-Do you ever feel this way, that the way people are acting around you or the looks they are giving, because of you? Is this a negative feeling?
-Do you ever feel personally attacked in situations, but it’s because YOU have done something to deserve such treatment?
-If you yes, does this hinder your desire to be around others?
-How do you separate such irrational beliefs, such as mine here, from reality… what is realistic in the fact that EVERYONE has something going on with their own lives?
-When is the last time you participated in an Easter egg hunt? If you can’t remember, that needs to change promptly!
-How was your weekend? Were Easter celebrations involved and if not, what did ya do?
Enjoy the rest of your Monday, we’ll all get through it