Maybe It’s Not All About Me

by tessa8m on April 9, 2012

in Recovery,Serious Stuff

Good Morning and happy Monday! (Let’s go into Monday with a positive greeting mmkay!?)

You all allowed me to feel EVEN MORE excited about being accepted into nursing school! Thank you for all the congratulatory messages, it was so sweet to hear from you all! As I said on Friday I am incredibly relieved at this acceptance because I now have a plan for post-graduation, something I have been umm stressing about like no other for these past few months. I honestly haven’t even really thought about the actual school/learning/work part of this yet haha… so for now I am just basking in the happiness I feel at being accepted :)

I had a wonderful weekend overall and it was nice to get away from campus, something I am quite fond of at this point.

I actually was only home on Friday night, baked/cooked on Saturday and then drove up to the Cape with my mom to celebrate Easter with my sister-in-law’s family. We are all very close, we don’t get to see each other often and so it was a welcome way to celebrate the holiday! I also love getting to know my sister-in-law’s family more, as she is a great part of my life now, and it’s important to me to get to know those who care for her and who she loves.

 

 

My mom and I arrived there Saturday evening, ate dinner with everyone, and played a bunch of board games for the rest of the night… always a fun time! Although being the only sober one there is always interesting… let’s just say I had some laughs that night while watching other people’s behaviors :)

Sunday I woke up early, took a walk (still nothing hardcore, more on this later), helped with some remaining food prep, went to church (my first time in about errr… 4 years, oops), enjoyed a Easter lunch, and then engaged in an epic ADULT Egg Hunt! There was candy inside each of the eggs, but most importantly, there was a 50 dollar bill hidden in one of them. Everyone’s competitive side came out when the prize was understood and it turned out to be a great, and cut-throat hunt!

Apparently my brother and I were the only ones that heard the "fierce face" command

Sadly I did not win the money… I tried not to be too pissed lol… But actually I was acting a bit childish there for a bit, I get uber competitive sometimes, it’s bad.

Overall an exceptional Easter and it was especially fun to see different holiday traditions from the family, and to become a part of them as well :)

Hoookay, so if you read my blog regularly, you probably can guess that there is much more to this weekend then what I am describing here.

More underlying thoughts, emotions that are often difficult to handle. The constant internal voice telling you to do something you want to engage in or do sooo so badly and “can’t”… and of course this usually involves food in some way. I want to talk more about the food aspect of Easter and the thoughts behind it on Wednesday in a WIAW post, so please stay tuned for that.

*Gah this is one of those word-vomit posts:( (?) But had to get it out, feel free to skim or not read at all ha!

Today I am going to attempt to explain the title of my post more and what exactly it has to do with, how it played into a few incidences this past week and also during the weekend. Maybe it’s not all about me…? I guess I would consider this to be an extension of my intentional isolation post, where I wrote the reasons I believe I separate myself from everyone and prefer to be alone a majority of the time. But I still feel lost, how much of it has to do with the eating disorder?

It was a very dumb situation on Facebook that prompted these thoughts to occur.

Story time first and I apologize for how incredibly immature this all sounds: Basically Ella* (names changed) I know wrote a comment on Katie’s* wall exclaiming her “excitement” for partying in Boston on (this past) Friday night and then proceeded to tag a bunch of people’s names in the post that were also attending this gathering. The other girls that were tagged are friends of mine from my hometown who I worked out with and hung out with last summer. Now when I say “friends” I suppose I use that term loosely…because I am just so confused on who my actual friends are.

I was not “tagged” in this message and my first thought upon seeing this was… “why aren’t I invited?!” My immediate thoughts were:

  • Well clearly Ella does not like me, I must have done something wrong.
  • I wonder what I did? Hmm must be that I am just simply not that fun. I mean it’s true after all, I never want to go out, like staying in most of the time, and turn down invites constantly.
  • Seriously who really wants to be around me anyway? I am so…. annoying/not funny/boring/____ (insert insulting term here)

What I now realize after all of this rather immature (on my part) situation/reaction, is that I am actually not that close with Ella- we rarely hang out, sometimes talk, and only know each other through mutual friends. It makes sense she didn’t invite me, she probably didn’t even think to do it and it was not a malicious gesture. I am in fact (maybe) not this boring, annoying person that she didn’t want to be around.

And this brings me back to the title of this post, “maybe it’s not all about me.”

I have already talked about my “love” for being alone… doing all things by myself a majority of the time. In fact if I had it my way, I would be alone all of the time, gosh that understanding scares me. But I am still having a difficult time comprehending the true reasons for this isolation- is it REALLY because I want to be alone, or is it a defense mechanism, a result of the eating disorder, what else is really going on?

Yes it does go back to my childhood and being dumped by former friends, or more recently in high school when I lost a beloved group of “friends” because of the combination of my developing eating disorder and their not understanding how to deal with it. I have also been dumped (or I never hear from them again) by guys I have fallen head over heels for… something that happens FAST for me- when I like a guy I know it immediately.

I have already talked about all of this, but it needed to be brought up again in accordance with this post.

The recent ridiculousness on Facebook described above really did open my eyes up to what I have been feeling for quite some time now and what has led to my social choices.

I have this… fear, idea, speculation, (now slowly realizing) absurd thought, that things are always about me in some way… decisions are made, personalities/moods are skewed, changed or “faked” because of me. Let me explain what my brain is concluding a bit better:

  • The Facebook situation from the other day- I was not invited on purpose because I suck to be around. No no, it can’t possibly be for any other reason, she doesn’t like me for obvious reasons, I mean who would?!
  • When I am around someone that is in a bad mood- I clearly am doing something to piss them off.
  • When I am actually with people and they are happy or having a good time with me- hmm must be that they are just pretending or “putting up a front,” can’t possibly be genuine.
  • I pass someone I know in the hall or on campus and they look at me strangely or pretend not to see me- well goodness what am I doing that is just so terrible to not even acknowledge my existence?

The last one there is a major aspect of this. I am constantly feeling judged by others, scrutinized in every single way- for my body shape, my weight, what I am wearing, how my hair looks, my shoes, my facial expression….everything and anything physical of course! And then when I am around people at a closer level, as in not just walking by them, but actual interaction/engagement in some way, I am being judged on my personality, my conversation skills, my mood, everything.

Judgey Wudgy was a bear and everything is about me. Is this making any sense? I am honestly unsure because I am afraid I don’t understand my own thought process behind all of this… So often do I feel this way when I am writing posts, it’s confusing.

In the past four or so years, with the development of the eating disorder, the betrayal I have received from certain people, a number of heart aches and let downs, I have become very fearful and sensitive to being excluded. Every time someone acts weird (whatever I deem that to be) to me, or acts moody, angry, gives me a “look” of some kind, in my mind it’s ALWAYS something I have done, said, acted like and so on.

Do I ever even consider the fact that something else might be going on with the person (or group of people) that I believe are making such an effort to not be around me or are rude to me? Could something be happening with THEM that is leading them to be in a bad mood or give me a “weird” look? Could a person not have thought of me when making plans.. not in a malicious way at all… but I was simply not considered?

NOPE none of these things have been considered because for so long now, it’s been about me, I am the offensive one that no one wants to be around. For whatever reason I conclude for the given situation. This is NOT a social anxiety thing either.. I am not afraid of social situations, more exhausted by them because I feel I can’t by myself.

Well now, maybe it is time to change my mindset on all of this. Perhaps make the understanding and conclusion that people have their own lives, their own “stuff” going on, make decisions off of a number of different things. And perhaps, the personalities I see, the plans that are made where I am not not included, or the supposed judgmental looks I receive, really are not about me.

I will say one thing before concluding this all, I know as far as the being included in plans thing goes, part of that is a result of the disorder. Let’s be honest here, people are only going to invite you and then have their invitation declined (by you) so many times before giving up, or no longer thinking to include you… you never say yes after all! I know this plays a role, especially in my own life, but it is not the ONLY reason.

As much as I have believed it up to this point, it’s not all about me. “It’s” …. everything, every aspect, interaction, plan, decision made, look I receive is not all (or always) about me…. All negative aspects of my life or negativity I see/feel from others might have something to do with whatever they are dealing with.

What a relief it would be to get the thought through my thick and (often) disordered/illogical head that people don’t actually hate me all of the time. I am not this incredibly annoying, boring, have-nothing-to-offer person and the faster I ban this notion, the better I will be… being around people more, coming out of my isolation at an increasing rate, will be easier knowing this.

I have to remember that I am NOT constantly being judged on every part of my life, no matter what I so strongly believe. Truly comprehending this will at least prompt me to engage myself with others, and more importantly, will lead to the ability to eventually have my true personality shine through, something that I continuously strive to understand.

-Do you ever feel this way, that the way people are acting around you or the looks they are giving, because of you? Is this a negative feeling?

-Do you ever feel personally attacked in situations, but it’s because YOU have done something to deserve such treatment?

-If you yes, does this hinder your desire to be around others?

-How do you separate such irrational beliefs, such as mine here, from reality… what is realistic in the fact that EVERYONE has something going on with their own lives?

-When is the last time you participated in an Easter egg hunt? If you can’t remember, that needs to change promptly!

-How was your weekend? Were Easter celebrations involved and if not, what did ya do?

Enjoy the rest of your Monday, we’ll all get through it :)

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{ 84 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Amy @ Turtle-speed Runner April 9, 2012 at 5:43 am

Hmm so you just described like, my entire life. I totally understand about the word vomit now. I just wrote a word vomit post and damn it felt GOOD! I don’t even care if anyone reads it or not, I got some emotion out and it feels better :)
I thought at first it did sound like social anxiety – and many of the things you said definitely overlap – but you’re right… I think now it’s not about being scared of socialising as such. It’s more worry about people judging on food choices, ostracising us for being “different” to how we used to… I don’t know.. not drinking… I don’t want to put words in your mouth lol, this is sort of how I feel…
I was meant to go out this weekend but I stayed at home by myself instead. Part of me regrets it, but then the other part is like… well, they aren’t really great friends anyway.
Oh, and I could never think you are annoying or boring :) You are so freaking lovely and intelligent and beautiful inside and out, and I bet you are all of those things and more in person too.
Amy @ Turtle-speed Runner recently posted..Things I’m mad about – re EDs & doctors.

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2 tessa8m April 9, 2012 at 5:37 pm

Wahooo yay for VENTING it really does feel good sometimes and helps a whole lot too! I get what you are saying here and I can relate… people judging me on the my food choices, that is a major one.
Well thank you for the lovely compliment… I know if we met in person we would have a good time together Amy :)

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3 Khushboo Thadani April 9, 2012 at 6:15 am

I can’t say I’ve ever personally experienced this but I do understand it from the other side of the fence. You’re right: there is only so many times people can make an effort before giving up! I’ve had a few friends who constantly made excuses when invited out and after while, my other friends and I gave up trying to include them in the plan! I hate to sound like a cliche but it really does take two to tango! It’s not that we don’t like their company but their response sort of gave the impression that they don’t enjoy ours.

Like Ella who wrote the Facebook status, our reasons for not including those certain people are anything but malicious! I think the only way out is for you to take the first step, make plans with those girls and show an interest in their company (if of course you do want to hang out)!

Glad you had a fun Easter with the family- although you didn’t mention it, hope the food situation went well :)!
Khushboo Thadani recently posted..Milk does a body good…

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4 tessa8m April 9, 2012 at 5:38 pm

I know that is true… there are only so many times this can happen until the people asking just give up, I mean it makes sense! The food situation was okay, no worries :)

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5 Kaitlyn April 9, 2012 at 6:16 am

HI! What a great post!!!!!!! I can absolutely relate to everything you are talking about here. I do prefer to be alone as well, and I tend to have many of the same thoughts (that someone is upset because of something I did, feeling constantly judged based on appearance, clothes, hair, weight, etc).
As I’ve gone through my own recovery, I think I’ve come to realize that a lot of it has to do with self-confidence/self-esteem. Those are two tricky things, and for me, definitely related to my ED. The reason I developed such bad eating issues was because I had very low self-confidence to begin with.
As I’ve slowly adopted a healthier lifestyle, I’ve found that my self-confidence and “need” to be alone have also improved. I do definitely have moments, but there are not as often or not as intense. I definitely still take things personally, but I’m learning to accept who I am and that has been a huge confidence booster :)

Have a wonderful Monday!
Kaitlyn recently posted..An Easter Sunday Run and I love Nike

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6 tessa8m April 9, 2012 at 5:40 pm

Good point here Kaitlyn… some of this definitely goes back to lack of self-esteem and that continues to effect so many other things! That is wonderful to hear you are improving too, it takes time, but is possible and you are proving this :)

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7 Vien @ We Dare Food April 9, 2012 at 7:21 am

Your Easter sounds so fun and exciting!!! :D The money in the egg thing is really similar to a tradition we have during Chinese New Year! We’ll make few hundred dumplings and only a few (two or three) will have a gold coin in it. The lucky person who gets it will be really prosperous throughout the year :D
It’s true that it is very easy to blame oneself in this situation (I would have!). This happened to me a few year back and I isolated myself even more! Finally, I decided to talk things out with my friends and the funny thing was, they thought that it was something they did that made me mad! Then, i realized how silly I was! :P I think it helps sometimes to look through someone else’s perspective, which I do all the time before ‘blaming’ myself!
Vien @ We Dare Food recently posted..Shortbread with Chocolate Almond Filling

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8 tessa8m April 9, 2012 at 5:41 pm

What a fun tradition that is Vien! That’s great that you are better about not letting stuff bother you… I need to work on that!

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9 Alexandra April 9, 2012 at 7:30 am

Okay whoa. I swear, every one of your posts resonates on a personal level for me. O was just talking to my mom about this over the weekend!!! Whenever I’m not invited to something or am left out of a convo, I get those same insecure feelings and immediately assume it’s something wrong with me, when in reality it could be a slew of things. Like you said, I think we should just keep trying to embrace our true selves and realize that we aren’t the sole humans that affect all situations in the history of ever haha
It looks like you had such a fantastic Easter break, love those cupcakes! And no worries about not getting the egg with the 50 bucks, I would’ve been a bit pissed too heehee ;)
Have a glorious Monday!!!
Alexandra recently posted..Recent obsessions

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10 tessa8m April 9, 2012 at 5:43 pm

No worries about hte double comment… twice the FUN! Sorry that was lame haha
Seriously though, we are the same person so much of the time! You, me and our moms would have great conversations together, i am sure of that! We just have to keep recognizing these irrationalities for what they are, irrational!
You have a great Monday too lady

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11 Alexandra April 9, 2012 at 7:31 am

Okay whoa. I swear, every one of your posts resonates on a personal level for me. I was just talking to my mom about this over the weekend!!! Whenever I’m not invited to something or am left out of a convo, I get those same insecure feelings and immediately assume it’s something wrong with me, when in reality it could be a slew of things. Like you said, I think we should just keep trying to embrace our true selves and realize that we aren’t the sole humans that affect all situations in the history of ever haha
It looks like you had such a fantastic Easter break, love those cupcakes! And no worries about not getting the egg with the 50 bucks, I would’ve been a bit pissed too heehee ;)
Have a glorious Monday!!!

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12 Alexandra April 9, 2012 at 7:34 am

Oops sorry for the double comment haha
Alexandra recently posted..Recent obsessions

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13 Tayla Anne April 9, 2012 at 7:42 am

I can relate with literally ALL OF THIS. I feel like your words could easily be mine, that’s how scary it is! I often feel judged just like you explained and have an overwhelming feeling that people are sad/mad/upset because of me or they really hate me and so on, but lately, I have learned just what you are realizing too…that people have their OWN issues to deal with and almost all of the time they have nothing to do with me! Isn’t that a relief? I work as a waitress and I had some rude guy not leave a tip and at first I was pissed and wondered what the hell did I do wrong, why didn’t he lie me, what did I do for him not to leave me a tip? But then, thinking back over it, I have no clue what was going on with this guy. It probably wasn’t even something that had to do with me, he could have had a really good reason for not leaving a tip and being rude for all I know. Or maybe not,and that’s fine too. My mom always tells me not to take anything personally, and although it’s easier said than done, it makes for less personal insults within my head.
Sorry this is so long, but I just want you to know that you are NOT alone in all of this. Everything you have described here is something I have felt and am still going through. So thanks for being honest and writing about this today!
Have a great Monday Tessa!
Tayla Anne recently posted..don’t even think about it…

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14 tessa8m April 9, 2012 at 5:46 pm

It really is a relief to know that Tayla… and to truly understand it as well! Your mom is giving great advice and something I need to get better at… don’t taking things so dang personally. No worries about a long comment, please don’t apologize, I appreciate your words and love to hear from you :)

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15 Amy Lauren April 9, 2012 at 7:46 am

Don’t worry about sounding immature, because you don’t. I feel the same way quite often when I’m excluded, which to me seems like a lot even though when I think about it, it really isn’t. I also think the fact that I don’t drink alcohol (thanks ED!) usually gets me excluded from pretty much any social situation that involves going out too, and even though I’m not a big fan of that anymore, I still can’t help but be slightly hurt by it. I actually think social media has a lot to do with it because it does hurt people’s feelings- before the days of facebook you wouldn’t have known that you were excluded and if you saw them out or something wouldn’t have cared so much. Sometimes we maybe just need to disconnect… I know I do.

I haven’t done an Easter Egg hunt in FOREVER… probably at least 10-12 years. That sorta stopped after I grew up. But yours looks super fun, sorry you didn’t win the money, but you still have a lot to be thankful for this Easter season with being home with the fam and getting into nursing school (congrats once again!).
Amy Lauren recently posted..My Technical Writing Journey (Part 3)

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16 tessa8m April 9, 2012 at 5:47 pm

I don’t drink a lot either and i know this has something to do with it too.. plays a role I mean. You are right about the social media thing.. I mean I can remember getting my feeling hurt during the time that instant messenger was available! All of that time ago.
It’s okay I didn’t win money, I GUESS lol, still trying to get over it ;)

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17 Jamie @ Don't Forget the Cinnamon April 9, 2012 at 8:24 am

A few years ago, my parents hid eggs for my sisters and I to find. My dad told us that in one egg was a $100 bill. We, of course, frantically searched for that egg….for probably over an hour. Turns out he made it up! We were so mad!!!!
Jamie @ Don’t Forget the Cinnamon recently posted..One inspiration, two lunches.

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18 tessa8m April 10, 2012 at 7:26 am

Gahh i would have been quite irritated too!

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19 Chelsea @ One Healthy Munchkin April 9, 2012 at 8:31 am

Yes! I so know how you feel here! I think it has a lot to do with our past of being dumped by friends – I had the same thing happen to me in grade 7 and grade 10 by two different friends. It makes it hard to trust anyone or believe that they actually like you! But I had to realize that those friends are the exception, not the rule! Not all friends are like that, so I don’t need to be so insecure about my relationships with other people.

It sounds like you had such a fun Easter! That adult Easter egg hunt sounds like a blast – I wish I had done something like that! :D
Chelsea @ One Healthy Munchkin recently posted..My favourite sushi

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20 tessa8m April 9, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Yes trusting (or lack thereof) is a major one for me still… and that’s when the everyone hates me thing comes in. Ughhh not a good combination!

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21 Victoria (District Chocoholic) April 9, 2012 at 8:58 am

Again, I have nothing useful to add, but every time you post a picture of a kitten it makes me smile.
Victoria (District Chocoholic) recently posted..Big Ol’ Race Prep Workout: The 4 Hour Brick

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22 tessa8m April 9, 2012 at 5:48 pm

Hahaha thanks mam

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23 Faith @ For the Health of It April 9, 2012 at 9:02 am

Ugh – facebook, the perpetuator of all stupid, petty, 12-year-old-mentality-hissyfits. Don’t worry girl, I’ve done it too. We all have. And we’re all more mature and better than that. Glad you realized it wasn’t a personal dig!

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24 tessa8m April 9, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Me too Faith!

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25 Emma April 9, 2012 at 9:08 am

Ahhh, congratulations! I missed the nursing school announcements because I have been out of the loop! But, YAY!!

I have the same issue with friends sometimes. I purposely remove myself because I value my “me” time, but then once they just stop inviting me out I grow resentful. I don’t know how to fix it!
Emma recently posted..Drive, Hike, Eat

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26 tessa8m April 9, 2012 at 5:49 pm

I don’t either.. it’s confusing because I want to be invited but don’t actually want to do anything. Both can’t work!

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27 Kaitlin @4loveofcarrots April 9, 2012 at 9:27 am

congrats on nursing school!! The next chapter of your life is sure to be an exciting one!

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28 tessa8m April 10, 2012 at 7:27 am

It certainly is Kaitlin, thank you!

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29 Nikki April 9, 2012 at 9:48 am

Those cupcakes are adorable! And it sounds like a fun Easter egg hunt!

Glad you were able to enjoy time with your family!!!
Nikki recently posted..Happy Easter!!

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30 Dorsa @ Running Thoughts April 9, 2012 at 10:32 am

I feel this way all the time. I get so upset when people hang out and I am not invited.. “is there something wrong with me?” “Are they mad at me?”

bleh. I hate feeling that way, but I think everyone goes through it!
Dorsa @ Running Thoughts recently posted..Ben’s Chili Bowl

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31 tessa8m April 9, 2012 at 4:47 pm

That’s true, but none of us should!

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32 Tara April 9, 2012 at 10:54 am

Oh gosh I know exactly how you feel in this situation. My friends recently pointed out that I make the assumption that everyone hates me. I didn’t really realize it, but it’s true! I think I just say that because I’m not so social with people from my school thanks to my rough start with the ED and all, so saying that gives me an excuse. For the most part, I haven’t talked to these people in years, so they have no reason to hate me! Ah my goodness your blog posts are always so thought provoking. Our minds are so weird.
Tara recently posted..Happy Easter!

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33 tessa8m April 9, 2012 at 4:58 pm

Mmhmm are can be unbelievably weird sometimes… I am glad you have some friends to help you snap back to reality :)

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34 Kat @ a dash of fairydust April 9, 2012 at 11:18 am

Tessa,it’s incredible how much I can relate to every single problem you discuss in your posts. Seriously,there hast to be something that somehow connects us mentally,it’s CRAZY!
At the same time,it’s good to know I’m not alone with my problems and thoughts,so thanks again for always being that honest and having the courage to talk about your emotions. :) I really admire that,you can bet!
However,I always worry about not being “interesting” enough for other people as well. Whenever I talk to someone or whatever,I am constantly afraid I might be “too boring”,”not funny enough” etc.,and of course,it seriously hinders my desire to be around them a lot making me feel awkward and uncomfortable…
You know what I just remembered? My sister and my mom were arguing once while I was around. I immediately thought it was my fault because I had said something wrong or anything,but as I apologized and said I was sorry,my sister was super annoyed and asked me “Kat,why do you ALWAYS think EVERYTHING is about YOU? Can’t anything be about me or mom or ANYONE else?!” At first,this comment hit me hard and made me feel even worse,but then I realized what she actually wanted to tell me: Not everything bad that happens on earth is automatically MY fault. It is wrong and dangerous for myself to think so because it makes me feel bad and guilty and feeds my self-hatred even more… Not very helpful in terms of recovery,right?!
Anyhow,I’m babbling too much… Your Easter weekend sounds so fun,I’m loving the idea of an adult egg haunt,haha – even if I pretty possibly wouldn’t have found a single egg ;)
Have a great start to the week,girl! :)
Kat @ a dash of fairydust recently posted..The Easter Bunny Came [Early].

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35 tessa8m April 9, 2012 at 4:36 pm

First, I appreciate the “babble” haha let it out Kat! I am glad you were able to relate to this… because feeling alone with all of these thoughts and emotions is the worst and just so confusing and feels wrong! Perhaps the thoughts are indeed “wrong” but at least you know you are not so crazy, there are others out there for you! Like me :)
Thank you for sharing that story too. Like you said, it might have been a bit harsh but did help you snap back to a more realistic POV

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36 ~Jessica~ April 9, 2012 at 11:22 am

I definitely used to have levels of self-awareness, approaching paranoia, relating to the idea that people are/were looking at me in a negative way. When I was 11, I vividly remember breaking down in tears in public while out shopping with my Mum, and insisting that we go home, because I was convinced people were staring at me for being ugly and wearing stupid clothes. I couldn’t stand to be out in public for many years after that, and although some of my fears (that I am boring, not funny, fat, ugly, worthless and dull to be around) did have some grounding in reality, because I was bullied and friendless at school, I have come to realise that people sometimes aren’t even looking at me. To be blunt, they have better things to worry about!

I sometimes think it’s scarier to accept the idea that people just don’t care about you than it is to think that they hate you, because hate requires at the very least awareness, and at most attention. If someone can’t be bosom buddies with you, then it’s better they hate you than just don’t register you (generic ‘you’, not YOU personally).

When you feel, deep down, that you’re a terrible person not worthy of oxygen or taking up space in this world, it’s easy to assume everyone else thinks the same thing. I would say I’m sure that’s not true in your case: I think I could speak for everyone in this comments section when I say that you are a smart, bright, articulate woman and we would all love to ‘hang out’ with you if we had the opportunity.

xxx

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37 tessa8m April 9, 2012 at 4:31 pm

I understand the bluntness and it’s what I need to be reminded of… they do certainly have better things to worry about than me! This is an interesting take on what I am saying, about the hatred aspect.. prompting some thoughts over here!
I am sure we would have a lovely time together, and i know you wouldn’t just be faking it or something :)

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38 Anna @ The Guiltless Life April 9, 2012 at 11:24 am

Those cupcakes are the most adorable creations I have ever seen. And don’t feel too bad – my uber competitive side would absolutely come out too if I was competing for 50 bucks! haha
Anna @ The Guiltless Life recently posted..Better-than-Starbucks’ Java Chip Frappuccino – Protein-Packed!

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39 Emily Butler April 9, 2012 at 1:06 pm

1. I totally enjoy being alone myself whenever I can (when I’m not with my children or husband ) as well.

2. Yes I too always somehow people are judging me or it about me when it’s really not, I think that is a very natural thing people do and most times we don’t even relaize it (I didn’t until you brought it up, and now I’m like ohhh yea, I do that!)

3. I participated in my first adult egg hunt this past Saturday there were 6 paper (flat) bunnies hidden outside, each were numbered and then 6 gift cards were awarded to those who got a bunny! I found one and got a $5 gift card for sheetz!

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40 tessa8m April 9, 2012 at 5:50 pm

Hi Emily, thank you for stopping by! Sounds like you had a great Easter weekend as well… congrats on the gift card win :)

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41 Melissa April 9, 2012 at 1:29 pm

I think it’s so normal to feel self-conscious around others or to blame yourself constantly. Not normal for other people, but normal for those with eating disorders. To me, the self-consciousness that comes from the disorder easily transfers to other parts of my life, making me an insecure mess at times! For me, it stems from the fact that I’ve never really formed a true identity (or not until recently). I kept trying to fit in and be like other people and could never figure out why nothing felt right. Well, because I wasn’t being myself! How could I? I didn’t even know what that felt like! It’s all a part of the process. In the time that you spend alone, you’ll start to realize things about yourself, what you find important, and what qualities you like in others. Then, you can start to surround yourself with people who fit with who you are and not the other way around. Hugs, friend! You’re getting there!
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42 tessa8m April 9, 2012 at 4:29 pm

I agree with you Melissa… about the identity thing, a work in progress for me. ON that note, YES for you getting closer to finding that! Any tips for me? haha. You are right though, it is part of the process, going through experiences and learning about yourself and others

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43 Melissa April 10, 2012 at 12:50 pm

I think it’s all about trial and error. Try something new and see how you like it. And stop doing things you don’t like! Find your voice, and don’t be afraid to say what you think. I’ve practiced just naming 5 things I like or enjoy, 5 highlights of my week, 5 activities that make me happy, etc. And I do the same things with things I don’t like, lows of the week, and activities that bore me or that I’m not interested in. It’s helping me weed through and figure things out. Also, thinking about who my true friends are and keeping those people close has been huge. I’ve realized that some friends I considered close aren’t really as great as I thought, and others I’ve kept at arm’s length really are important, true friends. Hugs hugs hugs! Keep at it!
Melissa recently posted..Sorry I’m So Terribly Boring

44 Brittany @ GOtheXtraMile April 9, 2012 at 2:34 pm

Wow, very interesting post Tessa. One of my close friends from high school had an eating disorder and she would always turn down our invites over and over again. We didn’t know what was going on at the time, so we ended up getting sick of it and stopped inviting her then she would get pissed at us for not inviting her. It’s not that we didn’t like her anymore, or didn’t want to be around her, it’s just that we figured if we kept asking, she would keep saying no. I do NOT think you were being immature at all. Heck, when my friends (that all live in the same town) talk about doing things and don’t mention me, I ask them about it! Usually it’s because I’m away at college and obviously I can’t make it. But it is still natural to wonder why you are not included. Also, I have cut waaaaay back on drinking and such and just do not feel like going out 24/7 to crowded bars with annoying wasted people all around me to I choose to stay in. Usually my friends invite me but they know I don’t want to go out all the time, so yeah I do get separated from the plans time to time. But I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. It’s called growing up in my eyes ;) I feel much more mature than hitting the bar scene to get wasted all the time, I’m just not as into that anymore. But anyway, you definitely find out who your true friends are in the process :)
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45 tessa8m April 9, 2012 at 4:23 pm

Thank you for sharing your personal experience with this Brittany! I am sorry you had a friend that was suffering at that time… it can be soo hard to deal with of course, but also know what to do, what to say to them or how to talk to them. Such a complicated issue and changes depending on the person, their own state of mind and how they will react. I can relate to the drinking thing too, I rarely drink now and yeah, I know that is somewhat “frowned” upon in some situations. But I hope to find out who my true friends are too, one day :)

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46 Lindsay @ In Sweetness and In Health April 9, 2012 at 3:26 pm

This was a really good post Tessa! There are definitely times when I have felt that something was about me, and in fact it had absolutely nothing to do with me! I always tend to feel this way too when it comes to friends and acquaintances. Perhaps it’s because of a more subconscious desire to be liked by all…I dunno. I think it’s awesome that you’re recognizing it and that it’s something you need to address to help with your own piece of mind! I’m glad you had a good Easter otherwise though…it must have been so nice to spend time with family!
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47 tessa8m April 9, 2012 at 5:33 pm

Hmm that is an interesting thought, it could be a result of that desire! Have a great rest of your Monday!

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48 Alexis April 9, 2012 at 3:39 pm

Such a good post. There are so many times when I thought “I was doing something wrong” or “me me me” I also assume people don’t like me and are fake around me. I think it’s great that you’re recognizing this and are helping so many others as well :D
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49 tessa8m April 9, 2012 at 5:31 pm

I hope to help other with this.. not a fun feeling at all!

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50 Laura @ LauraLivesLife April 9, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Congrats! That is SO amazing. I totally understand wanting to know what your future will be! I’m totally happy for you!
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51 tessa8m April 10, 2012 at 7:28 am

Thank you Laura :D

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52 CJ @ http://healthy-happy-whole.com April 9, 2012 at 4:53 pm

i make things about me ALL the time, when really people are probably not that concious of what I am doing at all! My sister is in a bad mood…oh my gosh I must have done something?! My husband is quiet after being at work all day….he must be mad at me. My co-workers didnt invite me to have lunch with them (uh, when have I ever had lunch with them?!) All these things make me have major social anxiety and not want to put myself out there because I am totally scared of being rejected. This stems from many years of feeling left out or scared to be abandoned, but i need to learn that as long as I like who i am, i am not intentionally doing anything to hurt people, I should be comfortable and loving of me.
like you said, sometimes it really isnt about me, just me being overly insecure.
i hope you had a wonderful holiday hun! i would have been ultra competitive about the money egg too! NO SHAME!
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53 tessa8m April 10, 2012 at 7:31 am

It is always nice to know I am not alone in these thoughts CJ… both of us have to get better at this, it just feels terrible to be in a state of constant fear around social stuff

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54 Haley @ Health Freak College Girl April 9, 2012 at 4:59 pm

i totally know how you feel about the whole facebook thing. i would sometimes see pictures on facebook and think, why wasn’t i invited?? so then i start thinking that nobody likes me and i’m worthless blah blah blah. then i realize that i always say no to their invitation to go out so why would they bother asking again if i were just to say no yet again. i’m mad at myself for always saying no but that’s because i NEVER push myself! i never put myself out there.

p.s. looks like a fun weekend :)
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55 tessa8m April 9, 2012 at 5:51 pm

I am mad at myself for the exact same thing Haley..yet I don’t make every effort possible to change it. Yes I do make some, but not enough at times and I do want to work on this

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56 Lea April 9, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Tessa,

First of all, CONGRATS on your acceptance to nursing school!!!! That is so awesome. I am also glad to hear you’re looking at living at home after you graduate as a positive. I lived with my parents at times after graduation and really valued the opportunity to spend time with them.

You’ve put words to feelings I’ve had my whole life. As others have said, I relate to all of it. It is so like me to blame myself if I wasn’t invited to something on Facebook, and not realize that has anything to do with the fact that I don’t really ever invite people to do anything because I feel I’m too boring to hang out with in the first place.

I have felt for most of my life that I’m invisible and have nothing to offer anyone. Growing up, I often felt rejected socially because I was made fun of for my appearance, so I learned to isolate myself to protect myself. The worst part was that I agreed with the teasing and did think I was too ugly to have friends. So, I isolated myself and turned to the eating disorder. Then, the eating disorder made me feel MORE isolated and lonely because I was too ashamed to tell anyone about it. Vicious circle, I guess.

Anyway, it really wasn’t until a few years ago that I learned (and I’m older than you) what I was passionate about and that there is a side of my personality that I love and that I believe other people will love as well. Yet, there are times when I don’t put this side of myself out into the world, usually because I feel too drained and tired as a result of the eating issues. Yet, I’m motivated to fix the issues because I do feel more accepting of myself.

Hope this perspective is helpful. You’re so honest in your writing that I feel comfortable being the same way.

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57 tessa8m April 10, 2012 at 7:21 am

Hi Lea!

Thank you for the congratulatory messages! That’s great to hear that living at home helped you out too… I really am excited about it! I also really appreciate you sharing your personal experience with all of this. I am sorry you self-isolated and it sounds like it happened for a number of reasons. I am thrilled for you that you have been able to find what truly you are passionate about… it gives me motivation to keep looking for it myself!

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58 HollieisFueledByLOLZ April 9, 2012 at 6:11 pm

Interesting and I certainly know how you feel. With college especially, I see posts and I’m like well…gee thanks…glad to know you thought of me and then I’m like. WTF I’m not even close with these people haha. Have a great rest of the week! :)
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59 tessa8m April 10, 2012 at 7:32 am

Haha I know, sometimes it is good to just take a step back and kind of laugh at yourself about such things

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60 Ashley @ AlmostVegGirlie April 9, 2012 at 6:43 pm

I get what you mean exactly! I wouldn’t normally consider myself a self-centered person, because I do take other people’s needs into consideration and am usually pretty helpful, but I do tend to think that if someone blows me off or people are looking at me, that there is something wrong with ME, when it could really be for many other reasons. I think it really just goes back to the insecurity I almost constantly feel. In most cases, just like yours, it’s not anything intentional, it’s just that maybe we’re not as close or they wanted to keep the event small for whatever reason. It’s definitely hard to take the focus off of me, but the world does not revolve around ourselves, no matter how much we wish it did ;)
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61 tessa8m April 10, 2012 at 7:15 am

Mhmm I agree Ashley, the insecurity business. I know I have gotten MUCH better about this, but clearly it does still bother me to an extent.. I mean I am yapping about it all here haha

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62 Rachel April 9, 2012 at 6:50 pm

it’s hard to trust that it isn’t about you, but that’s just a cognitive distortion (or a few of them!) that are all so common with eating disorders, trying to make you feel even worse about yourself. i’ve learned that people are usually so wrapped up in their own stuff that they aren’t paying attention to me at all, but it’s hard to learn. especially now i always feel like people are looking at me and thinking about what i’m eating or how i look, etc. definitely hard to think that maybe they don’t even care. i agree with what i think you were saying about isolating and how people end up responding to that. my friends definitely did that. i thought i liked to be alone and after awhile people stopped inviting me places, and then i was so upset cuz no one invited me anywhere (even though i’d spent months saying no to any and all invitations). it’s a bit of a vicious cycle, but being aware of it helps. and being able to take a step back to examine things with a rational mind is SO important too. so congrats on that :) you’re ever so insightful and i just love reading your blog!

i’m glad you had a good weekend though, you totally deserve it!
Rachel recently posted..speaking the truth about ED

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63 Bethany @ Accidental Intentions April 9, 2012 at 8:05 pm

Oh, I think this is a super common way to feel. You (as in the general “you,” not just the Tessa “you” haha) think about yourself more than any other person over the course of your day, which really makes perfect sense since you can’t exactly get away from yourself. You are your only constant throughout every single second of your day, if that makes any sense. Naturally you’d be inclined to think about yourself more than anyone else. Since you’re thinking about yourself, you assume other people are also thinking about you, so it’s easy to take things as a slight against you when they were not at all meant to be that. I think this is something a lot of people struggle to overcome–or at least, it’s definitely something I struggle with. It’s just like you said: it’s not all about me :)
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64 tessa8m April 10, 2012 at 7:13 am

Haha I gotcha Bethany! And you raised such a good point here, that I am constantly in my own head so of course I am going to think I am in everyone else’s too! I appreciate your thoughts, gives me something to think about!

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65 Chelsea @ Chelsea Runs April 9, 2012 at 9:30 pm

I’m glad you had a great Easter! I totally sometimes get this way, and it becomes a viscious cycle. But you’re right – sometimes, it’s just not you. Sometimes people just don’t notice you, don’t think about you, etc. They’re busy, they’re distracted, they have a specific goal in mind. And it’s in NO WAY your fault, even though it sucks sometimes! I need to give myself a reality check a lot being in college, because people are SO FAKE sometimes and it’s easy to feel left out. Congrats on nursing school again! Live it up!
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66 tessa8m April 10, 2012 at 7:11 am

Gahhh fakeness… how true! Some people will always be like that an you just have to stay away from them for your own sanity! Thanks for the congratulatory messages Chelsea :)

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67 Lisa April 9, 2012 at 9:31 pm

Haha looks like you had an amazing time with your family! Oh gosh, I’m uber competitive too! Even when like bowling or something, I can get seriously upset if I don’t win, yikes. And oh man about the facebook sitch, you totally described how I would have acted! That has happened to me before and I immediately get into a horrible mood, with the “whoa is me” attitude. It is totally ridiculous after it happens and I’m just being dramatic. I also always feel like people are mad at me, like if someone is upset I always jump to oh no what did I do wrong. When it most likely is not about me at all. Ah, can be so frustrating eh
Hope your day is great :)
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68 tessa8m April 10, 2012 at 7:11 am

It can certainly be frustrating but I am glad we are both recognizing that it’s also irrational!

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69 Julia @ girl with a stethoscope April 10, 2012 at 8:46 am

Looks like you had a GREAT weekend Tessa…those easter cupcakes are so adorable!!

I think at one point in everyone’s lives (especially females), we go through this phase where we think everything is about us..including what other people say/do. I tend to be kind of insecure and there are times when people are talking and I am paranoid and I think they are talking about me..when in reality, they may not be. I think we tend to overanalyze things and that’s how we express our insecurities. I’ve gotten much better about this through the years (and you will too, especially once you graduate from college because let’s face it, college is just an extension of high school imo) and you start realizing (like you already have) that no one really gives a crap what you look like or what you are wearing because people have their own stuff to worry about lol
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70 Mattie @ Comfy and Confident April 10, 2012 at 9:19 am

your easter looks like it was really fun! I love family time!

I think your reaction to that Facebook post is totally normal. I think we all initially make it about ourselves. It’s hard not too. Everyone wants to be liked and included (even if you don’t actually want to go). I know I go through that. I find the best way for me to move on is to remember that I have my own family that will always be my best-friends no matter what happens. And going for a long run always helps me clear my mind when my thoughts get me in a tizzy!
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71 Brittany April 10, 2012 at 9:53 am

Firrrsttt of all..$50 bucks in an egg!?! I’m coming over for the hunt next year and I am bringing a gas bomb..and a mask..but the mask is only for me so everyone else will be gassed out and I will be the only one hunting.

I love that you are opening your mind to this idea. It’s natural to feel hurt or confused when you aren’t included in a situation. I felt this once when my best friends cousin didn’t invite me out with them, even after we had all hung out a few times. This didn’t mean she didn’t like me (I don’t think) she just didn’t think of the extra bodies other than her close knit group.

Fear of being judged is going to be there, whether it’s a new outfit you’re unsure of, or a new hairdo that you don’t think fits your face..at least for me it’s there. It’s all about how you handle the thoughts and realize people aren’t staring at you because they are thinking negatively, they are staring because you are exuding confidence and are sexxxaayy as shaat. Or at least that’s how I see you. ;) I don’t think I was much help here..just know I support you and think you are amazing!
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72 Amy B @ Second City Randomness April 10, 2012 at 9:55 am

Glad to see you had a great holiday weekend! It’s always so much fun to get the random weekends of family traditions.

And also, I’m catching up now, congrats on getting into nursing school! Very exciting!!!!! :)
Amy B @ Second City Randomness recently posted..While I Was Gone…

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73 Devon S April 10, 2012 at 12:47 pm

It sounds like your Easter was so fun! I hate to admit it, but I get really competitive too…which is weird because when I was little I HATED anything that was even slightly competitive (hence why I never got into any sports outside of running!). I really struggling with blaming myself too! Ugh, it’s so tiring…constantly thinking you’re in the wrong, blahblah…but you’re right, it’s not ALWAYS about us! Keep reminding yourself of that and hang in there! <3
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74 tessa8m April 10, 2012 at 10:15 pm

Thank you for the reminder Devon :)

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75 Sarah @ Every Day's a Picnic April 10, 2012 at 1:20 pm

I think this is a really important realisation, but also remember that almost everyone feels like this sometimes. I think we can all be egotistical and make out like the world revolves around us, but it definitely doesn’t. People have other things going on it their lives and it’s good to remember this. There’s a whole host of reasons why someone might not smile at you in the corridor, and hating you is unlikely to be one of them.
Sarah @ Every Day’s a Picnic recently posted..Easter Weekend in Bullets

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76 Ellie@Fit for the Soul April 10, 2012 at 2:27 pm

Heyyy Tessa! Thanks for sharing this! And ohhh man I totally understand your emotions here. When I used to struggle with eating and all that, I was at the darkest, most isolated time in my life. It’s funny how it all works. Just like God says in the Word, when we let ourselves get into the darkness, we let other things seep in–particularly dark emotions, etc. I’m so happy to hear that you’re recognizing your thoughts and making it a point to not let them get to you! :)

And those cupcakes are soooooooooooooo pretty!! ahhhh I love ‘em! :D Have a beautiful day, you gorgeous girl! And CONGRATULATIONS ON THE ACCEPTANCE TO SCHOOL!!!!!!!!! <3 May you continue to be blessed in unexpected ways.
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77 Maria @ Beautiful Busy Bee April 10, 2012 at 9:42 pm

Urggh that’s what I hate about Facebook! That happens to everyone, I swear, and it’s just cause some people are too wrapped up in their own little worlds to realize that they should send an actual FB message instead of justing making a post that anyone could see and potentially feel left out of. I always tell other people not to sweat it, but when I feel left out of something I get really mad. Your Easter sounds fun! Have a great week. :)
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78 Jemma @ Celery and Cupcakes April 11, 2012 at 2:03 am

What gorgeous cupcakes, they are so pretty! Looks like you had a lovely Easter!
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79 Coach Dion April 11, 2012 at 2:19 am

I want to say I don’t know you at all, but I’ve been reading your blog since last year, so maybe I do know you a bit… Now I don’t know how I found your blog, but (maybe I’m stalking you) you are pretty, and you run… what guy wouldn’t stalk you!!! Now the more I read the more I like you, as messed up as your think your head is I think it is screwed on right.

So sometimes it takes you to be the bigger person and move on… Nursing school here we come!

There is so much I could write (why do I feel I want to help you, everyone) but I will stop now, so heres a plan: How about getting into on of those programs that does a term overseas, and head for Cape Town (UCT) for 6 months… it’s great at the club when we have a couple of US students joining us.
Coach Dion recently posted..TAPER TIME

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80 CJ @ http://healthy-happy-whole.com April 11, 2012 at 6:59 pm

you are really brave for sharing that you had a tough time this weekend with your personal exercise challenge. that is totally human and as we both know, overcoming this beast of an addiction is serioulsy HARD and so much work. only you know what is right for your body and whether that is rest, or still maintaining a workout routine (hopefully a bit less intense of one :-)) i am here to support and help in any way I can!
i do love all clif products so of course z bars are the bomb. I am definitely a smores fan but the iced oatmeal with some unsweetened almond breeze is a close second!
luna peanut honey pretzel and clif mojos ares till my fave :-)
best thing i have been eating all week and sadly now is gone :-( PUMPKIN HUMMUS!!!! yummy!
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81 Tara April 13, 2012 at 6:07 pm

I think everyone’s felt like this at some point in their lives…I know I have! But it’s really good that you’re realizing that other people have other stuff going on! Honestly, it sounds weird but it’s actually really self-centered to think that everyone’s mood is because of your own stuff! Lol…and please don’t be insulted by that! Don’t mean it that way… But ya, if you (or anyone) thinks everyone is always thinking about them, it’s nuts! Everybody else is busy worrying about themselves, just like you are! And when you think of it that way, it can actually be very freeing! No one is concentrating on you nearly as much as you fear.

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82 tessa8m April 14, 2012 at 8:29 am

I hear what you are saying Tara and I agree! It is pretty crazy and understanding this is quite freeing!

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83 Jen H. April 18, 2012 at 11:24 pm

I meant to comment on this like, forever ago but I was always busy. I actually definitely understand the whole isolation thing – I usually just like doing things myself too. I’m not entirely sure why. When I go out I do have fun, but I guess it’s just not enough to make me want to do it over and over again, lol. I lost most of my friends in high school due to xc drama my senior year and ever since then it’s been kind of blah, like my desire to be social dropped significantly. There have been times when I’ve shut people out due to personal stuff that’s going on with me, like dealing with insecurities, jealousy, etc. and I’m sure a lot of people still have no idea what was going on. I honestly don’t see why anyone would not hang out with you because of who you are, so it’s probably just something else :)

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84 tessa8m April 19, 2012 at 7:56 pm

Hi Jen,
Thank you for your input here m’dear, it’s always nice to hear from you :) It seems like we both have past issues that continue to haunt us and make us isolated… bully to that. Going on what you said, I don’t know why others would not want to hang out with you either!! You were always quite friendly to me on the team, something that was really appreciated and helpful to me back then!

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