Hey There Friends!
Please allow me to extend my thanks and praises to you all in regards to my last post! It’s always so nice knowing I am not alone in these thoughts and also reading that other people are understanding they are not alone as well! Feeling like a unique crazy person in this sort of situation is not ideal at all and makes dealing with disordered eating stuff that much harder. As always, thank you for input!
Well here we are again, halfway through the week, which of course means it’s What I Ate Wednesday time! Jenn, thank you as always for putting this together for the blog world!
I know I don’t ever really do a “traditional” WIAW post, but it’s still a good time for me to get out some thoughts around food that I am currently having. And today is certainly no different… and a time for honesty.
I AM FRUSTRATED... frustrated to say the very least! it’s the “theme” of today’s WIAW post, so get ready for a bit of a ragey side coming from yours truly.
***One of those posts again- some number and weight chit chat, so please read with discretion if you are sensitive to such issues!
So it’s been about 5 or so days since I have said anything about the exercising situation. I haven’t really wanted or felt the need to report on something that umm … is not going as planned. Up until 4 days ago I stuck to my commitment and had not done anything more than yoga, walking, stretching, and some upper body work with some rest days thrown into the mix. As mentally challenging as it was, I was doing it, I was taking the rest I needed because I understood I really did not have a choice.
I am sure you already know where I am going with this, especially with my use of past tense verbs. I broke my commitment and started to workout again-
- 5 mile run on Saturday (I told my mom I went for a walk, sorry mom)
- Walk/run on Sunday with body weight exercises completed outside
- Monday morning was another 5 mile run
- Yesterday: some cardio (Not HIIT though) upper body and core.
I actually did a much better job with the food situation after everyone’s reading all of your wonderfully supportive comments on my last WIAW post, and upped the amounts I was consuming. I figured at the time that if I am going to really get my body feeling good again, than I need to be in this 100%. Clearly that didn’t last too long as I am now working out again.
The food seen here is from yesterday, a day where I did exercise in the morning- upper body, core and cardio, but was also conscious of my reluctance in eating “too much” because my workouts are still much lighter than before. With this understanding in mind, I did my best to ignore the illogical thoughts and just EAT.
Here’s a new one for me, and a very welcome change from my standard cereal.
Roasted (with olive oil) Kabocha squash (yep, officially my most favorite kind of squash) with low-fat Breakstone cottage cheese and Cranberry-Apple Butter from Trader Joe’s for dipping!
This was such a wonderful combination of flavors, textures and foods. The natural sweetness was a great way to begin my day and also challenging myself to switch it up every so often is important as well.
Actually compared to the workout schedule I was following before, what I just described is a whole lot easier than my “normal” routine. Perhaps to some of you this may seem like a no-big-deal few days of workouts… I mean there are some blogs I read that it’s so clear to me the authors are over-exercisers, and it astounds me that their bodies have not simply broken apart. Oh so much to say on that, but that is for a later time.
However, it’s the action of this that is the real issue– yes I broke my commitment which is bad enough, but I started to workout again before I was/am ready to.
I am still incredibly fatigued, those two runs felt like poop, the burning legs situation is seemingly relentless, I am winded when I walk upstairs/inclines… I knew this whole not-working-out thing was not successful when I wrote out last week’s WIAW post. I have been restricting to make up for not exercising, which DUH, kind of defeats the purpose of all of this. I am replacing one “bad” (ie eating disorder behavior) with another.
Now let’s get back to this edition of a What I Ate Wednesday post… I am frustrated and this relentless feeling led me to “thrown in the towel” so to speak and start working out again before I was ready to.
Bowl of fruit from one of the DC on campus and almonds on the side (sorry forgot to snap a pick, but I had around 25 or so I would say… surprisingly didn’t count the exact amount!
This fruit is an example of why I NEVER complain about the food on campus, it’s freakin delicious and so fresh as well! That is one thing I am going to miss about school next year- the amazingly awesome salad/fruit bar I go bat-sh*t crazy for every time I eat on campus
I’m very frustrated that my body is not responding to the rest in the way I hoped it would. In my mind I would take a week off of exercising MAYBE two and then be back to my full-of-energy, motivated and ready to kick some ass self. Alas this has clearly not been the case, as I am still just so tired in every possible way… and this makes me mad.
Now I know LOGICALLY that the amount of time I took off is simply not enough! My body needs more rest and that’s that. But nope this is just not acceptable in my mind… body, I gave you the relaxation time you needed, I even fed you right- proper calories, nutrients and all of that- and you have the nerve to still feel like this, to demand more rest time? What is wrong with you, don’t you know who I am, what this means to me?!
I was not exercising, something that is so important, so crucial to me…. Part of my identity is my athleticism, my ability to run long distances at a decent pace (not fast, but decent), lift weights and be the only girl in the weight room. So when this is taken away from me and then I do not see results fast enough, well saying “screw it” comes quite easily to my mind. And that is exactly what I did in this situation… why I started to workout again.
It’s been too long… Whole Foods Hot/Salad Bar time!
I honestly can’t remember exactly everything that was thrown in here. Let’s see, scallops(!!), grilled eggplant, a few pieces of grilled chicken, quinoa and black bean/corn mix, spinach, peppers, mushrooms, and sunflower seeds on top….I think that’s all! I was stuffed after this meal, but it was most certainly a tasty one.
This meal is a great example of me pushing through the “I want to restrict” thoughts and just eat anyway. None of the above food was particularly challenging or anything like that, but it was the amount and the unyielding thoughts of “I don’t deserve” this extra volume, high amounts of food. Screw you body, why should I bother feeding you much at all if you aren’t going to perform like I need you to?
Thankfully, I didn’t listen.
Body, you are turning on me. Remember, I am feeding you well and resting, why won’t you feel better?! If you are not going to recover, then what is the point of me putting myself through mental torture, most likely gaining weight and still not feeling better?
It seems I cannot be patient with this. I know it’s pretty ridiculous how I am acting after barely two weeks of not working out… I know I need to give myself a longer rest, while also eating 100% what I should be, and gracing myself in other ways as well- my attitude, mood and mind for example, all of this plays into recovery. And yet, my patience with this, my body, the entire situation, is nonexistent and I am certainly not respecting myself.
This whole “throwing in the towel” business can be represented in so many other aspects of my dealing the disordered eating. IT can be thought of in terms of my weight, my lack of period, the need I have to eat more because that is simply what my body requires… The trust I need to put into the recovery process, that if I do everything correctly in order to heal, all of the challenges, mental torture, angst I feel, will slowly diminish.
Z Bar consumed while at the library getting my studying/workign on project on:
This kind might just very well be my new favorite! Although the oatmeal raisin one is pretty dang tasty as well.
BUT, when I don’t see the results I want to in a timely manner, my doubts strengthen.
- What if I keep resting, continue to lose muscle tone, endurance, my “in-shape” self, and STILL am tired? Then I am going to be set back even more! What is it going to take?
- In regards to my period, what if I gain even MORE weight, get to a physical state that is nearly intolerable, and STILL do not get my period back? Oh my goodness.
- What if I listen to everyone, give up the counting, the obsession, the focus, continue to gain and “normalize” my relationship with food and my body, and I am STILL as miserable as I am now?!
- What if my body’s “happy” weight is more than I can deal with… am I always going to be fighting against myself?
I feel like I ask questions all of the time, ones I truly do not know the answer to, but ones that plague me more than I care to admit.
Delicious vegetable and bean soup picked up from one of the places on campus,
On the side, but mostly used for dipping (necessary with soup in my opinion!) was a hearty, grainy wheat roll also from Whole Foods.
I have had this particular roll from WF before and it is most definitely my favorite on there! It’s called Seeduction bread and oh my word… it is worth overcoming my bread fear on this bad boy
So yes, I think I have established I am frustrated… angry and kind of pissed for not seeing the results I want from the effort I am putting in. BUT UMM hold on a second here!
If I am really and truly honest with myself about my “efforts” in resting, gaining weight,, normalizing my attitude towards food and my body, I would say I am about 88% committed. Yeah, that seems like an accurate number. I am eating more, resting more, trying to change my attitude around to an extent, BUT the effort has to be 100% or this entire recovery process will simply NOT be a successful one.
With eating less while taking an extended break from exercising… I am self-sabotaging. By doing high-intensity workouts to compensate for the “extra” amount I am consuming…. I am self-sabotaging. When I am CONSTANTLY thinking about all of this, how much “fatter” I am now and how much I might have to go, I am self-sabotaging, and really just setting myself up for failure.
Can’t do that anymore. I have to be in this 100% or I am just going to keep extending how long it’s going to take to get better. I know letting go of everything is incredibly difficult and just feels so wrong in every possible way, but I have to be willing to give it a try. What I am doing to myself is clearly not making me happy, even thought the disordered eating voice has relentlessly told me otherwise.
Here is a new one for me, a microwave healthy protein cake thing! (Adapted from here)
I changed some things around from the original recipe and mine was made with following:
- 2 Egg whites
- 1/4 cup pumpkin
- 2 T coconut flour
- 2 T PB2
- 1/2 tsp baking powder
- Cinnamon to taste
- Sweetener to taste (I used splenda)
Spray a soup bowl with a very light layer of oil to prevent sticking (not even necessary but makes cleaning up a bit easier) and microwave for 2-5 minutes depending on how powerful the appliance is. It took me just over 5 minutes to get it cooked, my microwave clearly sucks
I topped it with a big ole glob of coconut butter! This is previous to reheating the entire cake with the coconut butter on top… it melted all over the sides and such, dear lord was this TASTY! After the Artisan company sent me samples, well I just “had’ to splurge and buy a rather expensive jar of my own.
Tehehe… so good, oh and obligatory self-pic over hurrr.
Don’t worry now, this is not completely a woe is me post, and it’s also not entirely negative and defeated… although I know it seems like it up to this point.
Yes I am frustrated, something I have made clear by now. I am impatient and angry that I am not seeing the results I want and this makes me sooo tempted to just give up… not entirely, but I am tempted to no longer put in the effort, become complacent. Well about that, I refuse to allow that to happen. I mean I have come this far (god damnit) and I mine as well continue the recover process even though it “sucks” a whole lot of the time.
The day of food seen in this post is healthy, balanced, and a caloric amount right for myself. The 100% is there on this particular day, but it needs to be there constantly, and in every aspect as well. I mean I am exercising again, and yet still not rested enough. So do I stop again and see if more of a break will help? I think that is what needs to be done, as much as I truly despise the idea. I don’t have a choice, not if I want to get both physically and mentally restored and for good!
That is what I must do…trust in this process and try out best to believe it’s going to be all worth the horrible (feeling) effort that this all involves. Right now that is the only advice I have… to trust in what professionals are telling me, what other bloggers/readers have experienced that have worked, to eat the amount I know my body needs, with the understanding that I need to reach a healthy weight, even if it’s not one I am completely okay with. Oh well, it’s not worth the angst.
It’s my choice now and I have to do this, 100% or bust, it won’t work otherwise.
I would love to hear from you…
-How do you deal with overwhelming frustration (in the context of putting in so much effort) but not seeing the results you want?
-Have you ever felt helpless or defeated in a situation? Have you given in or done something to overcome such feelings?
-Where do you find the strength, or what/who inspires you to simply, keep on going, when you are feeling down?
-What’s your favorite kind of fruit “butter?” I am new to these, but want to try apple butter next, I never have! (Madness I know)
-Do you like Z bars? What’s your current favorite energy/protein bar?
-Of course, what is the very best thing you have eaten in the past week?!
Enjoy the rest of your Wednesday my dear friends