A Frustrated WIAW

by tessa8m on April 11, 2012

in What I Ate Wednesday

Hey There Friends!

Please allow me to extend my thanks and praises to you all in regards to my last post! It’s always so nice knowing I am not alone in these thoughts and also reading that other people are understanding they are not alone as well! Feeling like a unique crazy person in this sort of situation is not ideal at all and makes dealing with disordered eating stuff that much harder. As always, thank you for input!

Well here we are again, halfway through the week, which of course means it’s What I Ate Wednesday time! Jenn, thank you as always for putting this together for the blog world!

I know I don’t ever really do a “traditional” WIAW post, but it’s still a good time for me to get out some thoughts around food that I am currently having. And today is certainly no different… and a time for honesty.

I AM FRUSTRATED... frustrated to say the very least! it’s the “theme” of today’s WIAW post, so get ready for a bit of a ragey side coming from yours truly.

***One of those posts again- some number and weight chit chat, so please read with discretion if you are sensitive to such issues!

So it’s been about 5 or so days since I have said anything about the exercising situation. I haven’t really wanted or felt the need to report on something that umm … is not going as planned. Up until 4 days ago I stuck to my commitment and had not done anything more than yoga, walking, stretching, and some upper body work with some rest days thrown into the mix. As mentally challenging as it was, I was doing it, I was taking the rest I needed because I understood I really did not have a choice.

I am sure you already know where I am going with this, especially with my use of past tense verbs. I broke my commitment and started to workout again-

  • 5 mile run on Saturday (I told my mom I went for a walk, sorry mom)
  • Walk/run on Sunday with body weight exercises completed outside
  • Monday morning was another 5 mile run
  • Yesterday: some cardio (Not HIIT though) upper body and core.

I actually did a much better job with the food situation after everyone’s reading all of your wonderfully supportive comments on my last WIAW post, and upped the amounts I was consuming. I figured at the time that if I am going to really get my body feeling good again, than I need to be in this 100%. Clearly that didn’t last too long as I am now working out again.

The food seen here is from yesterday, a day where I did exercise in the morning- upper body, core and cardio, but was also conscious of my reluctance in eating “too much” because my workouts are still much lighter than before. With this understanding in mind, I did my best to ignore the illogical thoughts and just EAT.

************

Breakfast:

Here’s a new one for me, and a very welcome change from my standard cereal.

Roasted (with olive oil) Kabocha squash (yep, officially my most favorite kind of squash) with low-fat Breakstone cottage cheese and Cranberry-Apple Butter from Trader Joe’s for dipping!

This was such a wonderful combination of flavors, textures and foods. The natural sweetness was a great way to begin my day and also challenging myself to switch it up every so often is important as well.

*************

Actually compared to the workout schedule I was following before, what I just described is a whole lot easier than my “normal” routine. Perhaps to some of you this may seem like a no-big-deal few days of workouts… I mean there are some blogs I read that it’s so clear to me the authors are over-exercisers, and it astounds me that their bodies have not simply broken apart. Oh so much to say on that, but that is for a later time.

However, it’s the action of this that is the real issue– yes I broke my commitment which is bad enough, but I started to workout again before I was/am ready to.

I am still incredibly fatigued, those two runs felt like poop, the burning legs situation is seemingly relentless, I am winded when I walk upstairs/inclines… I knew this whole not-working-out thing was not successful when I wrote out last week’s WIAW post. I have been restricting to make up for not exercising, which DUH, kind of defeats the purpose of all of this. I am replacing one “bad” (ie eating disorder behavior) with another.

Now let’s get back to this edition of a What I Ate Wednesday post… I am frustrated and this relentless feeling led me to “thrown in the towel” so to speak and start working out again before I was ready to.

***********

Snack:

Bowl of fruit from one of the DC on campus and almonds on the side (sorry forgot to snap a pick, but I had around 25 or so I would say… surprisingly didn’t count the exact amount!

This fruit is an example of why I NEVER complain about the food on campus, it’s freakin delicious and so fresh as well! That is one thing I am going to miss about school next year- the amazingly awesome salad/fruit bar I go bat-sh*t crazy for every time I eat on campus :)

************

I’m very frustrated that my body is not responding to the rest in the way I hoped it would. In my mind I would take a week off of exercising MAYBE two and then be back to my full-of-energy, motivated and ready to kick some ass self. Alas this has clearly not been the case, as I am still just so tired in every possible way… and this makes me mad.

Now I know LOGICALLY that the amount of time I took off is simply not enough! My body needs more rest and that’s that. But nope this is just not acceptable in my mind… body, I gave you the relaxation time you needed, I even fed you right- proper calories, nutrients and all of that- and you have the nerve to still feel like this, to demand more rest time? What is wrong with you, don’t you know who I am, what this means to me?!

I was not exercising, something that is so important, so crucial to me…. Part of my identity is my athleticism, my ability to run long distances at a decent pace (not fast, but decent), lift weights and be the only girl in the weight room. So when this is taken away from me and then I do not see results fast enough, well saying “screw it” comes quite easily to my mind. And that is exactly what I did in this situation… why I started to workout again.

**********

Lunch:

It’s been too long… Whole Foods Hot/Salad Bar time!

I honestly can’t remember exactly everything that was thrown in here. Let’s see, scallops(!!), grilled eggplant, a few pieces of grilled chicken, quinoa and black bean/corn mix, spinach, peppers, mushrooms, and sunflower seeds on top….I think that’s all! I was stuffed after this meal, but it was most certainly a tasty one.

This meal is a great example of me pushing through the “I want to restrict” thoughts and just eat anyway. None of the above food was particularly challenging or anything like that, but it was the amount and the unyielding thoughts of “I don’t deserve” this extra volume, high amounts of food. Screw you body, why should I bother feeding you much at all if you aren’t going to perform like I need you to?

Thankfully, I didn’t listen.

************

Body, you are turning on me. Remember, I am feeding you well and resting, why won’t you feel better?! If you are not going to recover, then what is the point of me putting myself through mental torture, most likely gaining weight and still not feeling better?

It seems I cannot be patient with this. I know it’s pretty ridiculous how I am acting after barely two weeks of not working out… I know I need to give myself a longer rest, while also eating 100% what I should be, and gracing myself in other ways as well- my attitude, mood and mind for example, all of this plays into recovery. And yet, my patience with this, my body, the entire situation, is nonexistent and I am certainly not respecting myself.

This whole “throwing in the towel” business can be represented in so many other aspects of my dealing the disordered eating. IT can be thought of in terms of my weight, my lack of period, the need I have to eat more because that is simply what my body requires… The trust I need to put into the recovery process, that if I do everything correctly in order to heal, all of the challenges, mental torture, angst I feel, will slowly diminish.

***********

Snack:

Z Bar consumed while at the library getting my studying/workign on project on:

This kind might just very well be my new favorite! Although the oatmeal raisin one is pretty dang tasty as well.

************

BUT, when I don’t see the results I want to in a timely manner, my doubts strengthen.

  • What if I keep resting, continue to lose muscle tone, endurance, my “in-shape” self, and STILL am tired? Then I am going to be set back even more! What is it going to take?
  • In regards to my period, what if I gain even MORE weight, get to a physical state that is nearly intolerable, and STILL do not get my period back? Oh my goodness.
  • What if I listen to everyone, give up the counting, the obsession, the focus, continue to gain and “normalize” my relationship with food and my body, and I am STILL as miserable as I am now?!
  • What if my body’s “happy” weight is more than I can deal with… am I always going to be fighting against myself?

I feel like I ask questions all of the time, ones I truly do not know the answer to, but ones that plague me more than I care to admit.

***********

Dinner:

Delicious vegetable and bean soup picked up from one of the places on campus,

On the side, but mostly used for dipping (necessary with soup in my opinion!) was a hearty, grainy wheat roll also from Whole Foods.

I have had this particular roll from WF before and it is most definitely my favorite on there! It’s called Seeduction bread and oh my word… it is worth overcoming my bread fear on this bad boy :)

*************

So yes, I think I have established I am frustratedangry and kind of pissed for not seeing the results I want from the effort I am putting in. BUT UMM hold on a second here!

If I am really and truly honest with myself about my “efforts” in resting, gaining weight,, normalizing my attitude towards food and my body, I would say I am about 88% committed. Yeah, that seems like an accurate number. I am eating more, resting more, trying to change my attitude around to an extent, BUT the effort has to be 100% or this entire recovery process will simply NOT be a successful one.

With eating less while taking an extended break from exercising… I am self-sabotaging. By doing high-intensity workouts to compensate for the “extra” amount I am consuming…. I am self-sabotaging. When I am CONSTANTLY thinking about all of this, how much “fatter” I am now and how much I might have to go, I am self-sabotaging, and really just setting myself up for failure.

Can’t do that anymore. I have to be in this 100% or I am just going to keep extending how long it’s going to take to get better. I know letting go of everything is incredibly difficult and just feels so wrong in every possible way, but I have to be willing to give it a try. What I am doing to myself is clearly not making me happy, even thought the disordered eating voice has relentlessly told me otherwise.

***********

Dessert:

Here is a new one for me, a microwave healthy protein cake thing! (Adapted from here)

I changed some things around from the original recipe and mine was made with following:

Ingredients:

  • 2 Egg whites
  • 1/4 cup pumpkin
  • 2 T coconut flour
  • 2 T PB2
  • 1/2 tsp baking powder
  • Cinnamon to taste
  • Sweetener to taste (I used splenda)

Method:

Spray a soup bowl with a very light layer of oil to prevent sticking (not even necessary but makes cleaning up a bit easier) and microwave for 2-5 minutes depending on how powerful the appliance is. It took me just over 5 minutes to get it cooked, my microwave clearly sucks :)

I topped it with a big ole glob of coconut butter! This is previous to reheating the entire cake with the coconut butter on top… it melted all over the sides and such, dear lord was this TASTY! After the Artisan company sent me samples, well I just “had’ to splurge and buy a rather expensive jar of my own.

Tehehe… so good, oh and obligatory self-pic over hurrr.

Size comparison:

************

Don’t worry now, this is not completely a woe is me post, and it’s also not entirely negative and defeated… although I know it seems like it up to this point.

Yes I am frustrated, something I have made clear by now. I am impatient and angry that I am not seeing the results I want and this makes me sooo tempted to just give up… not entirely, but I am tempted to no longer put in the effort, become complacent. Well about that, I refuse to allow that to happen. I mean I have come this far (god damnit) and I mine as well continue the recover process even though it “sucks” a whole lot of the time.

The day of food seen in this post is healthy, balanced, and a caloric amount right for myself. The 100% is there on this particular day, but it needs to be there constantly, and in every aspect as well. I mean I am exercising again, and yet still not rested enough. So do I stop again and see if more of a break will help? I think that is what needs to be done, as much as I truly despise the idea. I don’t have a choice, not if I want to get both physically and mentally restored and for good!

That is what I must do…trust in this process and try out best to believe it’s going to be all worth the horrible (feeling) effort that this all involves. Right now that is the only advice I have… to trust in what professionals are telling me, what other bloggers/readers have experienced that have worked, to eat the amount I know my body needs, with the understanding that I need to reach a healthy weight, even if it’s not one I am completely okay with. Oh well, it’s not worth the angst.

It’s my choice now and I have to do this, 100% or bust, it won’t work otherwise.

I would love to hear from you…

-How do you deal with overwhelming frustration (in the context of putting in so much effort) but not seeing the results you want?

-Have you ever felt helpless or defeated in a situation? Have you given in or done something to overcome such feelings?

-Where do you find the strength, or what/who inspires you to simply, keep on going, when you are feeling down?

-What’s your favorite kind of fruit “butter?” I am new to these, but want to try apple butter next, I never have! (Madness I know)

-Do you like Z bars? What’s your current favorite energy/protein bar?

-Of course, what is the very best thing you have eaten in the past week?!

Enjoy the rest of your Wednesday my dear friends :)

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

{ 134 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Rebecca April 11, 2012 at 5:11 am

I find it frustrating if I have been working hard, exercise and food wise, and I am still having those ‘fat’ days. And often I do give up, eat a lot of bad food, and then feel worse. But I think about everybody out there who eats without guilt and is happy with themselves and I think that one day I will be able to do that. Then the next day I eat a salad and do a bit more, and I try not think about it.

I just want to say, and I know I don’t know you or haven’t been reading your blog for long, but I am so happy for you and proud of you! The fact that you recognise your body needs a rest is brilliant! And I hope Easter wasn’t too tough on you. Your eats this week look fantastic!
Rebecca recently posted..WIAW #2

Reply

2 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 6:32 am

Thank you Bec! I hope we will both be able to do that one day, it will all balance out in the end!

Reply

3 Alexandra April 11, 2012 at 5:40 am

Don’t feel bad for venting, it can be SO SO SO frustrating having that ED voice chime in! I hate it when you start to have a really great day food wise and then out of nowhere that loser has to come ruin it. I’m proud of you for getting mad and telling that shedevil where to go. That voice doesn’t deserve to rule your life, YOU are in control and you will beat her. :)
And I gotta say, I’m totally jealous of your kabochariffic breakfast, I just ran out and am having withdrawals hahaha! That protein cake looks delicious as well, nothin beats coconut butta! :D
Keep up the great fight, love, you rock! Happy WIAW to you!!! :)
Alexandra recently posted..Recent obsessions

Reply

4 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 1:58 pm

Thank you miss for your always supportive comments, they are soooo appreciated! And get the squash back in your life and pronto!

Reply

5 Jess April 11, 2012 at 6:15 am

Hi Tessa, I’ve been reading your blog for some months now and I have to say it’s a bit frustrating. Now, don’t take this the wrong way, but I think you need to reevaluate your ”strategy”. I don’t think you can honestly ever fully recover if you continue to be trapped into the ”healthy living blogs” world, obsessing about food and exercise. I see you commenting on blogs that are basically eating disorders in disguise, you were pinning workouts and therefore torturing yourself when you were under your ”no working out ban” and you constantly pin low-fat/100-calorie recipes. I’m not saying you should stuff yourself with Big Mac, but I think you should take a step back and not focus on living ”healthy” so much. There is more to life than just food/exercise.

Reply

6 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 6:29 am

Hi Jess,
I am not disagreeing with you at all here… or deleting your comment because I don’t want to hear it, or others to see. I am am always will be honest about my progress with all of this here, and I am being honest again. I mean I know you are right, I know different efforts must be made, and that if I do continue to read other blogs that are disordered (yes I agree with you on that one too) it’s never going to happen. The thing is though, I don’t know where else I want to share myself, meaning, I don’t know what else I am interested in, or what i would commit my time too. Maybe nursing school will change that for next year when I am super busy and focusing on that. I hear what you are saying, I really do and I appreciate your thoughts here. Gave me much to think about

Reply

7 jill April 11, 2012 at 9:41 pm

Great comment Jess. I need to to talk to me every day to make sure I don’t side track. Dealing with crap now too (I don’t even exercise anymore, so I’m way behind this). BUT the guilt and shame and worry steals my time and days. TIRED of this crap. Tired.

Reply

8 Khushboo Thadani April 11, 2012 at 6:24 am

Don’t apologise for venting- it’s your blog and you have every right to :)! And if anything we’re here to listen (and hopefully help where we can)! The ED voice is sometimes louder than you can handle but you have to make sure it does NOT have the last word….your life, your body, your call…YOU call the shots! All your eats look so delicious! I love those Cliff Z bars, i haven’t tried too many flavors but till date, s’more is definitely my favorite!
Khushboo Thadani recently posted..What’s your WHY?

Reply

9 alli April 11, 2012 at 6:41 am

I suffered a similar fate, loss of your period is scary and frustrating.
The thing that seemed to kickstart me was, strangely, switching to paleo and cutting out wheat while simultaneously consuming loooots of red meat (iron) and healthy fats. It came back within 3 months.
Have you tried:
Vitamin D supplementation?
Magnesium, a la Natural Calm?
Cutting out wheat/gluten?
Fish oil?
Fighterdiet.com!

Reply

10 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Hi Alli!
I haven’t tried a few of those suggestions (fish oil yes) but I think that more fats will be the key here! More calories in general :)

Reply

11 Laura Agar Wilson (@keephealthstyle) April 11, 2012 at 7:39 am

Oh I love that coconut butter! I can completely relate to your thoughts especially around the period thing. I am petrified that I will have to gain a crazy amount of weight and even then it might not come back. Having patience is tough. At the moment my BMI is pretty high so I’m focusing on not restricting my intake as much as possible although I am still working out but not as crazy hard as before. Just remember that all our bodies are different and at the end of the day health has to come first over size, that’s what I’m constantly reminding myself of :-)

Reply

12 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 2:01 pm

I appreciate this reminder Laura… comparing to others is never going to help and our bodies know what is best and what will work!

Reply

13 Kristen @ notsodomesticated April 11, 2012 at 7:47 am

First of all, my silly google reader isn’t showing your new posts again! Grr! It doesn’t give me any for a week, and then 5 new ones show up! Go figure! ;) Um favorite thing I ate this week … I finally satisfied my craving for frozen-yogurt. :) Yum!!!
Kristen @ notsodomesticated recently posted..I love food.

Reply

14 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 9:39 am

DOH! I don’t know why that keeps happening, but it’s making me a bit peeved! I wish I knew how to fix it Kristen, grrr
But yes, I need to satisfy my froyo craving asap too, it’s been too long

Reply

15 Fran@ Broken Cookies Don't Count April 11, 2012 at 7:48 am

The protein cake sounds very tasty! Hang in there, Tessa. You’re doing a great job. One step at a time! Hugs!
Fran@ Broken Cookies Don’t Count recently posted..J is for Joy and WIAW

Reply

16 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 9:38 am

Thank you Fran :)

Reply

17 Meagan April 11, 2012 at 8:01 am

Hey girl! I’ve been reading from my phone so I haven’t commented in awhile but first of all I just wanted to say congratulations for getting into the nursing school of your choice!! That’s so incredibly fantastic! I am so excited for all the lives you will touch =)

Anyways I just wanted to mention something totally random because it happened to me and maybe is contributing in your case too. I know that you are anemic and that is causing the majority (if not all) of your fatigue. But a couple months ago I started using this sugar free (splenda) syrup in my morning oatmeal. Gradually over the past couple months i starting getting more and more fatigued. this past week it actually reached the point of me really not being able to function because i just felt like i was in a mental fog and i was basically just laying around all day. Anyways, I stopped using the splenda syrup and within a day i felt back to my normal energetic self. i know that I am super sensitive to stuff so it might just be me, but just thought i’d mention it! have a great day!

Reply

18 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 9:38 am

Hi Meagan!

NO worries about not commenting of course, do it when you want to or if you can :)
And thank you for the heads up about the splenda situation and what you went through! That is great you found the source of your fatigue and will look more into this! I mean I don’t use a ton of sweeteners, but they are part of my daily food intake, so yes, I will consider this!

Reply

19 Kianni April 11, 2012 at 8:02 am

“What if I listen to everyone, give up the counting, the obsession, the focus, continue to gain and “normalize” my relationship with food and my body, and I am STILL as miserable as I am now?!”
It’s kinda funny when we have this kind of thought, we don’t want to give it up in fear that things will still be crappy. However when we think of it logically, it just means that we’d have to cope differently. IF we were to be at peace with food, we wouldn’t worry about STILL being miserable and wanting to turn to messing it up..we’d find something else, or have to deal with it head on. The eating disorder problems just seem to be a way of disregarding REAL life by focusing on food and not having to deal with everything else. So of course we [the ED side]are afraid it’ll leave, then we have to deal with real or other percieved problems. The problems that we might not measure up, be good enough, be let down, etc. To me, it always brings up a weird metaphor; I can’t remember what movie it was, but they are going to erase the persons memory, the person runs for their life and fights all the way to preserve their memory from being lost. When I was a little kid and seeing these sort of scenarios I was always torn “Well, if they just gave up it would be over and wouldn’t matter any more because they’d forget…what’s so bad about that?” This is kind of the same thing. We don’t want to “forget” how to use our ED in a way, but when and if we do, we will actually be glad we did.
Okay….*deep breathe* I will say somehting now; I haven’t run or done weights for THREE weeks tomorrow now. You remember how much I told you I do normally right? (I realize I shouldn’t go back to this normal though), I’ve been walking and doing yoga and jumping on my trampoline instead..for about half the amount of exercise I was doing before. Suprisingly I am okay. I know my body was and still is broken down to an extent, the symptoms you described fit me pretty well if you add in chest pain (O_O!). I turned to one of my friends on facebook whom I trust alot…you know what he told me? 6 weeks for bone repair, 8 for ligaments. Then I can return to running and weights. Not hitting it hard…holy crap! Yeah…but, I’m gonna see how this goes, I trust him more than prettymuch anyone so, we can only see. What’s the worst that can happen (logically)?
Kianni recently posted..Things I want to do when I get better and in the process of getting better

Reply

20 Kianni April 11, 2012 at 8:05 am

wait, I just checked two weeks. LOl. I rememebr it was a happy coincidence it was when you wrote your post on stopping exercise for a while too. Feels like longer, as my mentality has changed in so short a time XP
Kianni recently posted..Things I want to do when I get better and in the process of getting better

Reply

21 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 2:39 pm

The dealing with real life thing is complicated to me… like I understand what you are saying and I do agree and I know I do it! The thing about it is, I have made this my life and I am not sure what else I have to offer. SO my real life is this recovery process, I think? I am confused to say the least!
I am so proud of you for giving up exercise for as long as you did! I know your body is thanking you for it right now, that is for sure :)

Reply

22 Michelle@PeachyPalate April 11, 2012 at 8:22 am

Again stop being so hard on yourself missus! I didn’t realise the extent of the exercise problem when I commented last week. Obviously over exercising isn’t a good idea, but I’d say 4-5 miles 5 or 6 days a week is acceptable or switch it with weights, anymore is probably over doing it. I would just limit the exercise and keep going with trying to eat more.

The protein cake looks so good as does the food from wholefoods, wish we had one in Ireland!
Michelle@PeachyPalate recently posted..Vedge Pledge or Cookies?

Reply

23 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 2:02 pm

Yes quite true, just have to keep searching for that balance with everything!

Reply

24 Born27 April 11, 2012 at 8:28 am

Your snack made me crave for some! I just love fruits. Everyday! And your dessert just made me want to try that out. amazing how big it is. Full tummy huh! :)
Born27 recently posted..Best Video Conferencing

Reply

25 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 9:36 am

Yeah give it a try, it was delightfully tasty!

Reply

26 Amy @ Turtle-speed Runner April 11, 2012 at 8:28 am

I so feel you here. I’ve decided recently that I really need to up my calories too to properly recover. “Maintaining” on the calories I eat now is just ridiculous. But of course I’m thinking all the things you’re thinking… what if it doesn’t change things? What if I get ridiculously fat and still don’t return to normal, yada yada…. my parents are both obese so I guess I’m “prone” to it also.
But I’m trying to take a step back and think of the bigger picture – being healthy and happy and not ridiculously focused on calories all the time…
Someone else mentioned too that not holding onto ED means we actually have to face real life problems – SO TRUE… it’s almost like an alcoholic or drug addicted person goes to their addiction to hide from real life – well, I guess we hold onto restricting as our addiction… something to hide from ‘real life’ problems… I guess I hide my emotions in it!
Oh, and please don’t stop chatting with the other ‘obviously disordered’ people as a previous poster suggested ;) We need each other to get through it!!!

As for fruit butters… I have never tried any, but have you tried lemon curd?? So yummmy… and as for this Whole Foods place… please start creating chains in Australia… I am highly jealous!
Amy @ Turtle-speed Runner recently posted..Things I’m mad about – re EDs & doctors.

Reply

27 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 2:04 pm

That really is true.. the whole facing reality, life thing. I don’t know what I would be doing without this focus, and that scares me! The thing is though, I do deal with my real life problems (I think?) but so much of it has to do with this illness… so what else do I have going on? What else can I offer? I don’t know and this upsets me

Reply

28 Sarah - Feeeding Brain and Body April 11, 2012 at 8:31 am

Wow that Cranberry-Apple Butter sounds so interesting! I wish there were trader joe’s in canada! I recently tried coconut butter too, it’s pretty tasty! I like to warm is up so it’s nice and melty and spread it on my microwave protein cakes too. I hope your frustration passes soon :)
Sarah – Feeeding Brain and Body recently posted..Conveniently Inconvenient

Reply

29 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 2:04 pm

Oh yes I warmed the cake up after with the coconut butter on top, twas glorious!

Reply

30 Devon S April 11, 2012 at 9:03 am

I think it’s really admirable how honest you are! Honesty is such an important part of recovery :) I’ve been in a similar situation as you semi-recently! I wasn’t completely told to lay off exercising, but I was limited to only running 4 miles per day rather than my usual 6+. Of course, in my head, less running=less food…which I quickly realized was WRONG. My body felt even MORE fatigued and I was going insane wondering why I felt weaker when I was doing so much less activity. Uh…because I restricted my intake drastically to compensate, DUH! I started pushing myself to REALLY aim for my current intake goal (my nutritionist and I are slowly working my way up to a higher intake to support my running), and whaddayaknow, my energy came back! I know it’s hard to eat enough when you’re not working out, rest days are always ROUGH for me…but just keep thinking about how much this is going to help you in the long run: the better you treat your body, the better it will treat you. The more you properly fuel yourself and give your body the rest it needs, the healthier your mind will become (malnourishment does WONKY things to the mind even more so than the normal disordered thoughts!). Hang in there, you’ve got this!
Devon S recently posted..What’s it take to make Devon happy?

Reply

31 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 2:41 pm

That’s great you are working with a nutritionist! I see one as well and she has helped me out soo so much with all of this and making it so much more realistic and logical. I do have to keep thinking about the future, that is what seems to help me out a whole lot with this

Reply

32 Lena @Fit on the Rocks April 11, 2012 at 9:26 am

Usually, when I feel like I’m working really hard and not seeing results, I’m often holding back in some area (usually mentally for me, which then trickles down to a lot of things). I’ve been experiencing this lately :T My favorite Z Bar is iced oatmeal cookie…omg it’s sooooo good!
Lena @Fit on the Rocks recently posted..To Chicago and Back

Reply

33 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 2:41 pm

Gahh that really is a tasty flavor! Good choice Lena :)

Reply

34 Kat April 11, 2012 at 9:34 am

so sorry your dealing with these frustrations lady. BUt all I can say is listen to your body. I know its cliche, but you said you did the runs and felt like poop, which to me sounds like your body’s way of saying “hey Im not ready for this yet!” Maybe dont push to 5 miles, maybe start with 2 or 3? Something SMALL should be the focus. When your resting your body you dont need to give up exercise completely, just dont push it as hard. Which can be tough, I DO understand that!! Hang in there lady :):)
Kat recently posted..Cherry Tomato Salsa

Reply

35 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 2:43 pm

It’s not cliche… it’s true and something I need to do! I think your suggestion of doing a small amount is important and helpful. Thank you for support and understanding!

Reply

36 HollieisFueledByLOLZ April 11, 2012 at 9:42 am

First, I think although you broke your workout commitment-you started again when it was right for you which is the most important thing. You were ready again.

I really wish we had a whole foods around here. Those salads always look so good!
HollieisFueledByLOLZ recently posted..Bloggers Exist in Real Life Too!

Reply

37 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 2:44 pm

Ehhh I did it before I was ready to, or physically ready to. My body still feels like tired blah :(

Reply

38 Ashley @ My Food 'N' Fitness Diaries April 11, 2012 at 10:02 am

ahh i just wish i could give you a huge hug right now… believe me, i know it’s hard not to workout, but it’ll all be SO worth it in the end. our bodies are SO smart, and they know when we have a proper amount of rest even if it’s not on our own timing. i know you know that though. hang in there girl! xoxo
Ashley @ My Food ‘N’ Fitness Diaries recently posted..WIAW #29: Increasing My Calorie Intake

Reply

39 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 11:31 am

Gahhh I know it’s worth it in the end, but this part of it ummm sucks lol. Something I am sure you are aware of as well :)

Reply

40 StoriesAndSweetPotatoes April 11, 2012 at 10:07 am

Oh Tessa, IT’S OKAY that you exercised. It sounds like you realized a lot and maybe you can’t get to 100% committed yet, that’s okay too. 88% is astounding for what you are trying to go. Astounding. You were tired and did not have a positive experience with exercising YET, so you do need more rest and more food. You are doing it and you are kicking ass. Microwave pumpkin protein cake…welcome to my life. #addicted
StoriesAndSweetPotatoes recently posted..Things I Might Literally Die Without

Reply

41 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 2:45 pm

Well thank you for your support here! You are right, this whole recovery crap takes a shit ton of effort!

Reply

42 Amy Lauren April 11, 2012 at 10:17 am

Okay, so I’m gonna hold you accountable here. I’m no therapist or health professional, but anyway. Couple things that stuck out to me.

1.) Congrats on making it that far without exercising. You did better than I would’ve. I know you were worried and when you think about it, it was a pretty long break.

2.) From reading, you seem to have an “all or nothing” approach to the no exercise challenge. Personally, I think completely stopping exercise was a bit too large of a step. Obviously as a former college athlete, it’s a part of your identity. It’s a part of mine too, so I get that. I honestly wonder, if you’d allowed yourself to do SOME exercise, if you would’ve done better with the challenge. Maybe just allowed yourself one run a week or something? It’s almost like it would help mentally to KNOW that you would get the chance to exercise, so the days when you couldn’t and felt anxious, it might be a little easier to get through.

3.) It kinda bothers me that you lied to your mom and said you went for a walk. Not so much that it’s lying to your mom (which I know that’s not cool, but I get it, I don’t always tell parents everything either, and everyone has different relationships with them too). It sorta bugs me that you felt like you had to “sneak” it in or be secretive about it?

Also… not sure if you did this, but I’d also recommend finding someone in real life to keep you accountable if you do this type of challenge again. I love my blogger friends and online friends, but I have to say it does help for someone in real life to know and to have someone to physical answer to, so to speak.

—-

All your food looks so delish! I wish we had a whole foods here. There’s like one in my entire state and I’m kinda cheap so I probably would not shop there all the time, but I’d most likely stop in every other week or so and pick up cool stuff because I like cool groceries. Also, it’s a pretty big step for you to eat coconut butter because I got that same giveaway and haven’t touched mine because I saw the saturated fat content. Having to review it, I know I’ll need to eat SOME of it, but I just haven’t gotten the courage to do that yet. I’m glad the products were so good that you bought some for yourself though- so far I’m loving the cashew butter and not a big fan of the cacao but those are the only ones I’ve had, too.
Amy Lauren recently posted..Easter Weekend, Weddings, and Sunday Run Day

Reply

43 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 11:30 am

Hoookay I hear you on the points you brought up here Amy. I could not agree more with the all or nothing approach to exercising… I am like that with several components in my life and when it comes to anything to do with food and my body, well that type of thinking comes out strong. I do think that easing back into is a necessary idea, and also since I did go “cold turkey” for a few days at least, it allowed me to understand that I do in fact need to do at least SOMETHING. And in regards to the “lying” thing… I don’t think I put this correctly, it was not a secretive thing. Well I Guess in a way it is… hrmm. Well I suppose I knew I should not be trying to run and then she would say something to me about it. Okay so you’re right again haha. I will be home for good quite soon and then being help accountable will happen
You must try the coconut butter and remember that the saturated fat in there is amazing for you- your insides and all of that yes, but your skin, nails and hair as well!

Reply

44 Amy Lauren April 11, 2012 at 11:33 am

Thanks for the clarification on #3. I’m glad you have people to hold you accountable IRL too.

I’m going to try the coconut butter soon. I am excited to try all the different flavors, it was super fun even getting the package, hehe.
Amy Lauren recently posted..Easter Weekend, Weddings, and Sunday Run Day

45 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 8:46 pm

I look forward to the review :)

Reply

46 Maggie @ Running on Fro-Yo April 11, 2012 at 10:21 am

I love the Whole Foods hot/cold bar!! And that apple cranberry butter sounds delicious..I love TJ’s pumpkin butter :)

I know how tough it is to take time off from exercise..I have a REALLY hard time taking even a few days off without feeling “blah” and “fat” and “gross” but honestly, our bodies NEED that rest. It’s so important to treat your body right so that it will treat you right in return..it can’t go go go go go without a break or else it’ll eventually totally fall apart! keep up the good work though, you’re doing great. baby steps. :)
Maggie @ Running on Fro-Yo recently posted..WIAW- Bulking Up My Meals

Reply

47 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 2:46 pm

Thank you Maggie and you keep up the good work as well!

Reply

48 Alex April 11, 2012 at 10:22 am

I know it is frustrating to not get what you want especially when perfectionism is knocking at the door. I think the thing that I notice in your posts is that you are so aware of what needs to be changed, why things feel that way and the real reason for why you are doing it. That honestly shows a lot more growth. Most people deny that 88% of commitment when in reality it is so necessary to just admit you are not giving it your all. It will take time but you will get there.

Also, the period thing is tough. It took me almost six months of no exercise with weigh rehab and increased nutrition for mine to return. It takes a while for anyone and probably not what you want to hear. I have heard it can take over a year for any sort of period to resume but an essential part of that is having the body fat necessary for it to happen.

Keep up the amazing work!

Reply

49 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 11:43 am

Well thank you Alex, I should remind myself that the awareness and honesty is actually something that is beneficial and I should take credit for. I really am trying to get there, but not enough, clearly haha

Reply

50 Mallory April 11, 2012 at 10:25 am

Tessa,
As a “I stumbled on your blog because I’m experiencing the same exact situation” reader – I thought today’s the day I’m going to comment. I’ve been married for a year and a half and this past year I lost 40 pounds by changing my lifestyle, being obsessed about health and nutrition and of course running. In January, I went off the pill and my husband and I wanted to try for baby – little did I know, it would NOT be an easy road – I still do not have a period which means = no baby. It’s heartbreaking and to feel like I’ve caused it from my weight loss, running habits, restrictive eating…what’s worse is no one can straight up say what’s caused it so I constantly fight the same battle as you over competing goals – yes, i want a baby, I want my period back but it’s a constant struggle with what I have consumed my life with up until now and what I want from here on out. BUT from the many blogs I’ve read, I’ve come to realize THERE IS a tie between exercising and infertility…many healthy bloggers struggle getting their periods and getting pregnant on their own. I wish someone would have told me that just because you are healthy on the outside, does not mean you are inside and now I struggle daily with the same struggles as you but with the pressure of wanting a baby so badly and not being able to. You are not in this alone, Tessa. Best of luck, you can do it! :)

Reply

51 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 8:49 pm

Hi Mallory!
I am quite glad you decided to comment today, it’s great to ‘meet’ you and hear your take on all of this! First, great job on losing that weight, that is certainly an accomplishment in itself! But not so great when taken too far… something many of us are guilty of. I am sorry you are struggling with all of this right now, a pain in the ass huh? You’re right too, there is a connection with exercising and I really need to keep on re-evaluating my goals and what I want to do with my life!
Best of luck to you Mallory, stay strong lady :)

Reply

52 Francoise April 11, 2012 at 10:35 am

I would eat all these foods in your company! When I started my recovery from anorexia back in 2002 after 18 years of starvation, I was extremely frustrated at my body. I kept eating lots of foods, for months (which changed to years), but my body kept getting fatter and fatter, mostly in the middle – i looked 8 months pregnant all the time from morning to evening. I cried every single day, moment, was mad at the world for “forcing” me to go into refeeding phase, mad at my dietetician. For 4 years, my weight kept increasing, every week. I was beside myself, wanted to kill myself, fly off to Australia and never come back, disappear into a hole in Tanzania, whatever. I stopped caring about the way i looked, could not wear jeans. I felt that my identity had been taken away from me and I had nothing left to live for.

One day in extreme mental exhaustion, I decided, “what if I focused on my mental qualities, rather than physical qualities”. So I started practicing that. Little by little I stopped focusing on my body and scrutinizing its every move and change. I literally forgot about what my body was doing for several months. One day, I was putting on my same old sweat pants, and I realized they were VERY baggy and loose. I ordered a pair of jeans off the net (I had no jeans in my wardrobe of course) in a size that I had not been able to wear since the refeeding started. The jeans fit! Basically my metabolism had finally kicked in, 18 years after its last fruitful activity, and 4 1/2 years into my recovery. When I stopped bullying my body and scrutinizing it and paying attention to what it did, I gave it a chance to heal, and I gave my mind a chance to heal. The mind influences the body at 100%, I believe. When I changed my mind about my true identity, my body started conforming to where my mind was. That was my experience. So my advice (if any) would be to give your hard working body that does so much for you a break, even if that means eating a tiny bit less one day, but just focusing on doing the activities you love, and lose sight of your body just a few months. And see what happens.

:)

Reply

53 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 8:52 pm

Hi Francoise,
Thank you very much for sharing your personal story here, it means a lot that that you did! I know I benefited from reading this and I am sure whoever else does will as well :) Wow, what would that be like to focus on something other than my physical body for once?! It’s something to really consider doing, as the constant obsession clearly has not been good for me. The more I focus, the more upset I become.. connection? Uhh yeah, duh.
Seriously, thank you for this advice!!

Reply

54 Alexis April 11, 2012 at 11:07 am

I think you did an awesome job for making it as long as you did without exercising. You should be proud of yourself and not beat yourself up too much! Only imagine how much more exhausted you would feel if you haven’t taken the time to yourself. It is hard to give 100% when you’re in a constant battle but I know you can overcome it! You are so strong :) Listening to your body is so hard and I believe a lot of us deal with it constantly. You’re not alone!

I usually talk about my frustrations with my family and fiancé. They always seem to give me the most support and help that I need.
Alexis recently posted..Cleaning up my act

Reply

55 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 2:47 pm

IT is always nice to know I am not alone… thanks for the reminder Alexis :)

Reply

56 Valerie April 11, 2012 at 11:12 am

First of all, I wanted to answer the question of who inspires me to keep moving forward. YOU inspire me all the time to keep trucking along in the whole recovery process! Days that I want to give up I read your blog and it reminds me that I am not alone, this is a long freaking process, and it takes seriously hard work. So, keep it up, and remember we all have set backs! I have the exact same thoughts you do and completely understand how frustrating it is. My ‘giving in’ to these feelings is usually in the form of ED symptoms (WHICH I MUST GET AWAY FROM!!!). When you start to feel frustrated try and completely remove yourself from the situation, not looking at food blogs or anything to do with food or exercise. Do something you love (I’ll read, watch a movie, listen to music, make crafty things or collages etc.) It sounds kinda silly but it works! I know you can do this! Stay strong as always and know that you are an inspiration to so many! Thanks for all your posts.
Valerie recently posted..Shake Whatcha Mama Gave Ya

Reply

57 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 2:48 pm

Well that was very nice for me to hear Valerie, thank you! This is a great tip.. I spend WAYYYYY to much time looking and reading about all of this stuff, time to branch out more and I know it can help

Reply

58 Faith @ For the Health of It April 11, 2012 at 11:43 am

I can really relate to what you said about replacing one habit with the other. Although over-exercising was never really my vice, I have struggled to balance my diet on days that I’m not working out like a champ. It’s tough to tell the brain that things really will be okay without resorting to one or more of the habits. It’s a one day at a time thing, honestly!

Reply

59 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 2:49 pm

It really is and it’s important tot remember that on days that are tougher than others

Reply

60 MassachusEATS April 11, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Yum yum yum – love the Whole Foods hot bar. Except when I over-do it and my meal comes to $15…or more! ;)

It is easier said than done, I know – but don’t get frustrated! Just jump back in the saddle and keep on truckin’ forward with your commitments. You can do it! :)
MassachusEATS recently posted..WIAW #10

Reply

61 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 2:49 pm

Hahah oh gosh me too, so expensive and DELISH!

Reply

62 Nikki April 11, 2012 at 12:36 pm

This injury of mine is getting to the point in which I feel helpless and defeated! Frustration is such a horrible thing…it’s to the point where I want to throw all of the hard work away and go for a run, but I know that’s not the point!

As for z bars…I love them, even if they’re marketed for kids. I haven’t tried that kind though…but I must find it! Especially if I can find it for 50 cents! Jealous!
Nikki recently posted..WIAW–Spring Edition!

Reply

63 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 2:51 pm

Ugh Nikki I am sorry you still have that nagging injury, that MUST be frustrating, you have every right to vent about that whenever!
Ha yeah when I saw that they were 50 cents.. well I bought more than a few :)

Reply

64 Haley @ Health Freak College Girl April 11, 2012 at 1:07 pm

i have so much respect for you for sticking to no workouts as long as you did. that is such a mental battle but you were able to fight through it! so it’s that you worked out. you still made it through!

whole foods hot bar..how i love it :)
Haley @ Health Freak College Girl recently posted..WIAW: Seattle Edition

Reply

65 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 8:53 pm

Well thank you Haley.. it was rather painful lol

Reply

66 Lindsay @ In Sweetness and In Health April 11, 2012 at 1:16 pm

I just want to say that I am so proud of you! You recognized that while you did workout your body wasn’t really ready for it…and I’m so happy that you are going to move forward and work on giving your body what it needs, 100%! You totally can do this girl! You are so strong, and so inspirational! Um, and how have I not had a z-bar?? I need to try one!
Lindsay @ In Sweetness and In Health recently posted..Bullying

Reply

67 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 8:55 pm

Thank you Lindsay :)

Reply

68 Sarah @BlondeBostonian April 11, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Rest is never easy. Keep up the good work! Glad I found your blog!
Sarah @BlondeBostonian recently posted..WIAW #3: Veggie Couscous Mix {What I Ate Wednesday}

Reply

69 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 8:56 pm

Hi Sarah, thank you for stopping by!

Reply

70 Brittany April 11, 2012 at 1:36 pm

I can feel the struggle this is for you. I know personally I am the same way when I don’t see “immediate” change I get discouraged. Mentally I know it takes a while to come around, but this idea is never enough. You are not alone with this factor. All I can say is keep trying. You have the ability, you just need to get your mind on board. Baby steps, go for walks (but not a run) and enjoy the fresh air. It’s still “exercise” but it’s something necessary..you have to walk everyday!! This might help with not restricting, knowing you got the blood flowing in a natural way.
Brittany recently posted..If You Can’t Eat Them..

Reply

71 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 8:59 pm

Thank you for your advice Brittany and for understanding as well! Walks have been helpful lately, especially with the weather warming up :)

Reply

72 Melissa April 11, 2012 at 1:56 pm

The frustration and desire to give up are SO normal given your situation. It IS frustrating to deal with this. You know, though, it’s not just eating and exercising, it’s all the noise in your head from the eating disorder that just won’t let you do what you want to do. I can definitely relate to that fear of gaining weight and/or not exercising enough–it was really hard for me to be injured and not running. I mean, I run because I enjoy it, but when I couldn’t, exercise became something I had to do or else I might gain weight! And then, I felt horrible all.the.time. And the structured eating? I find that so difficult. It makes me feel awful–tired, lethargic, etc. and makes me lose my appetite because I get sick of eating all the damn time. Anyway, I’m rambling, but I hope you know that what you’re going through is normal, and you will find your way to the other side of it. You just have to try things out until you figure out what will work for you. Hang in there! XO
Melissa recently posted..Hangover Heaven

Reply

73 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 9:01 pm

I appreciate the ramble Melissa… it helps me to know you have been through this and come out on the other side A-OK! I will try and hang in :)

Reply

74 Carrie @ Lift Eat Repeat April 11, 2012 at 2:19 pm

I need to try those microwave cakes- I see them all the time and they look soo good!

For me I always just think of my goals- will skipping a workout help with my goals, will eat that cheat meal help with my goals, will restricting myself extensively help with my goals etc. I used to seriously restrict myself when I first started eating clean. I was only eating a handful of foods, which I now realize was stupid- I realize now that there are tons of clean foods out there & I enjoy creating new clean recipes all the time!
Carrie @ Lift Eat Repeat recently posted..Oh Weights How I’ve Missed You So

Reply

75 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 9:02 pm

That is wonderful to hear how much you have improved! I am certainly working on it too

Reply

76 Katherine April 11, 2012 at 3:07 pm

Whenever I get frustrated with something – ANYTHING – because I’m not seeing the results, I dial it back. When I decided I wanted to start running faster in races, I began doing training runs on slower paces. And multiple times, if I’ve been working and studying really hard for a class and I do poorly, I cut way back on the studying and it seems to dramatically improve my grade. I do agree with what Amy Lauren said, though – an “all or nothing” approach to exercise is a really bad idea, especially because you never actually stopped. Yoga and walking still count, you know. ;)

Correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems like it’s been a reeeeaaallly long time since you last got your period. Have you ever thought that something else completely unrelated to your eating disorder might be going on? If I were you, I would go get some gynecological work done, just to be safe.

Reply

77 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 8:07 pm

I know I am going to see a gyno in May… I am sick of not knowing what the beeping hell is going on

Reply

78 Rebecca @ Blueberry Smiles April 11, 2012 at 3:23 pm

I’ve been wanting to try that cranberry apple butter- it looks delicious in your pics! And I LOVE z bars, but mainly stick to the chocolate chip ones- so yum!

Reply

79 Rachel @ Eat, Learn, Discover! April 11, 2012 at 3:43 pm

Trust is the hardest thing ever, it’s so easy to get frustrated – I totally get where you’re coming from! I’ve found that the best way to handle it is in fact to jump in all the way, but *not* beat yourself up if you don’t make it the first time. Baby steps are okay too! Progress is progress, and I have faith you can do it :-)
I love fruit butters! Does pumpkin count, haha? But my favorites are fig and apple butter. Mm! Also, this makes me *really* want kabocha… it’s been since December, and at this point I’ll definitely have to wait until it’s in season again in the fall :-(
Rachel @ Eat, Learn, Discover! recently posted..WIAW – Kosher for Passover (Veg Pledge)

Reply

80 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 8:06 pm

Love this reminder… progress is progress! I tend to over think everything and beat myself up too easily, so I need to calm it down. pumpkin butter certainly counts!

Reply

81 Ashley @ AlmostVegGirlie April 11, 2012 at 4:10 pm

I think for anyone, giving up most of their exercise would be a hard thing to do, so I think it’s really awesome that you were able to hold off for awhile. I’m not a hardcore exerciser, but I enjoy being active in some way every day and while I think a rest day every week would be a good idea, I honestly doubt I’d be able to do it, at least not without cutting back on calories, which is of course never a good thing. So even though you’ve gotten back into exercise, I’m glad you’ve also started eating more again to fuel yourself properly.

Heck to the yes, I LOVE Z-bars! I think I have to agree with you on the favorite flavor–the s’mores one is probably my favorite, but I also really like the seasonal full moon brownie one. I have yet to try the iced oatmeal raisin but everyone raves about it so I think I’ll have to buy it the next time I hit up Whole Foods!
Ashley @ AlmostVegGirlie recently posted..Easter Weekend in Pictures

Reply

82 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 9:04 pm

I think a bit of exercise will help me.. perhaps going cold turkey was just too much and too soon! They have a brownie z bar?! Well that sounds glorious. And yes try the iced oatmeal raisin, it really is great!

Reply

83 ~Jessica~ April 11, 2012 at 4:35 pm

At the opposite end of the scale (literally and figuratively), I tried so hard to eat just below my requirements (nothing drastic) for a fortnight, only to have a terrible weigh-in, and then just chucked everything to the wind this week, compounded by additional stress. But that’s no excuse: I am results-driven and goal-orientated, but also apt to give up, and extremely impatient. All it would take would be one crumb, one significant change, to motivate me to carry on. But even that seems to be too much.

One thing I will say: don’t judge other people’s exercise habits by your body. Someone might work out ‘too much’ by your standards, but not by theirs. I do the same thing with food: I resent people for eating ‘too little’ but really it’s insecurity over *my* eating habits that often fuels that. I can compleltely understand your frustration with burning out and/or not being able to exercise, but some people can thrive on what you might deem ‘too much,’ just as some people can get by on a much lower amount of calories and thus maintain a leaner body than I can.

It’s rich coming from me, I know, but we need to worry about ourselves and examine our own motivations before we judge other people.

xxx
~Jessica~ recently posted..WIAW: ‘Free Pass?’

Reply

84 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 8:04 pm

Good point Jess… never judge and never compare, especially when we really have no idea what is going on “behind closed doors.” It’s a good reminder and I appreciate it!

Reply

85 Laura @ LauraLivesLife April 11, 2012 at 4:43 pm

I was actually going to email you about this and ask you how it was going – but I didn’t want to bring up something before you were ready to talk about it! I totally understand how hard it is – but I think you are making progress, whether you recognize it right now or not.

I’m tapering for my marathon right now, and having a horribly hard time not eating less because I’m exercising so much less – I’m trying to remember how important of a goal the marathon is for me, and use that to keep things in perspective so I don’t counteract all of the reduced training by exhausting my body with hunger!
Laura @ LauraLivesLife recently posted..WIA(Easter)

Reply

86 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 8:03 pm

Well I do of course understand your feeling during tapering! Keep that goal in mind though, the one of being all rested up for a MARATHON! how exciting :) When is the race again?

Reply

87 Laura @ LauraLivesLife April 11, 2012 at 9:04 pm

A week from Saturday! I am simultaneously scared to death and excited!

88 tessa8m April 12, 2012 at 4:45 pm

I think the combination will allow you to be even more of a bad ass on race day :D

Reply

89 Erica @ For the Sake of Cake April 11, 2012 at 4:48 pm

Cranberry apple butter sounds amazing! I’ll have to look for that the next time I’m at TJ’s! I’ve tried fig butter from there before & loved it… something different!
Erica @ For the Sake of Cake recently posted..Chicken Enchilada Casserole

Reply

90 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 8:01 pm

I have heard the fig butter is good there… next time!

Reply

91 Annie April 11, 2012 at 5:56 pm

I understand your frustration completely. I too have had similar mishaps and frustrating though processes. I’ve found myself all to many times working out after vowing I would take the day as “rest” day. The whole time I workout pained (physically & mentally) as to why I’m working out.

It’s important to not beat ourselves up about it and to vow to learn from
Our mistakes. Beating ourselves up isn’t going to get us anywhere except more self hate (which we are trying to overcome in the first place, or at least I am). Just like you shouldn’t get upset over missing a workout or eating that heavenly dessert, getting upset over breaking a commitment to not workout is the same thing.

Keep going strong! I hope you will be able to go back to taking the well deserved break your body needs and showing yourself you CAN rest & not restrict at the same time!

Reply

92 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 8:00 pm

I agree and am also trying to overcome the self-hate…. for me it’s no longer “hate” that is too strong of a word at this point (thank goodness!) but i still don’t love myself and that is what I am striving for!
Thanks for the encouragement Annie and you keep staying strong too!

Reply

93 Margarita April 11, 2012 at 6:58 pm

I, too understand the fear of losing muscle tone or endurance during periods of not working out. I, too count my calorie intake and subconsciously take notes of how much calories I have consumed and how much more I should allow myself to eat for the rest of the day. Sometimes I just wish I can let go of these obsessions and just allow myself to not worry too much all the time, but it’s hard. I understand how you caved in to your desire of working out, but being aware of what your body needs to be doing right now is a step to the right path. Keep listening to your body and you will get to a happy place. :) PS I really need to get on the kabocha squash before they completely disappear soon.
Margarita recently posted..Portland Love

Reply

94 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 7:57 pm

I wish it too… but I am not making the complete 100% effort I need to in order to get rid of the obsession. So for now it’s sticking around! When does the squash usually go out of season?! I didn’t realize it did!

Reply

95 CJ @ http://healthy-happy-whole.com April 11, 2012 at 7:02 pm

Ok why this posted under the wrong day i dont know but here goes again!
you are really brave for sharing that you had a tough time this weekend with your personal exercise challenge. that is totally human and as we both know, overcoming this beast of an addiction is serioulsy HARD and so much work. only you know what is right for your body and whether that is rest, or still maintaining a workout routine (hopefully a bit less intense of one ) i am here to support and help in any way I can!
i do love all clif products so of course z bars are the bomb. I am definitely a smores fan but the iced oatmeal with some unsweetened almond breeze is a close second!
luna peanut honey pretzel and clif mojos ares till my fave
best thing i have been eating all week and sadly now is gone PUMPKIN HUMMUS!!!! yummy!
CJ @ http://healthy-happy-whole.com recently posted..WIAW and Some Serious Hunger

Reply

96 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 7:55 pm

A less intense exercise routine is absolutely necessary… no way around this at all
Ice oatmeal z bars are great and yep, I just had one of those Luna bars today! :)

Reply

97 Yellow Haired Girl April 11, 2012 at 7:25 pm

One step at a time, dear. One step at a time. Frustration is a normal (and human!!) step … I think you’re going to be fine. On difficult days, look at the picture of that protein cake ;) that’ll turn your day right around hahaha. It did for me – looks delicious!
Yellow Haired Girl recently posted..Messy WIAW

Reply

98 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 9:05 pm

Hahah noted ;)

Reply

99 Frances April 11, 2012 at 7:34 pm

“What if my body’s “happy” weight is more than I can deal with… am I always going to be fighting against myself?”

this. i am terrified of this. i appreciate your honesty- it always helps to read that i am not the only person with this sort of fear.

unrelated- apple butter, if homemade and realllllly thick and rich, is amazing. pear and pumpkin butters are, too.
Frances recently posted..An Essay on Keats’s "Lines on the Mermaid Tavern"

Reply

100 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 7:51 pm

I am sorry you fear this as well… not a fun feeling! Understatement much?! Pear butter sounds delightful, I have never seen that anywhere!

Reply

101 Tayla Anne April 11, 2012 at 8:17 pm

It’s admirable to me how honest you are with yourself…it would be so easy to just “deny” the issue around exercising and calories but you are facing this head on and that is awesome! Try to give yourself more credit, because to me, you are making wonderful progress. You are very strong, Tessa. I have a HUGE issue with exercise…I would never be able to take two weeks off just because I’m so stuck in Ed on the exercise front…something I need to change but watching you do this is helping me take some good steps with this. Keep listening and trusting your body, it’ll be worth it in the end <3
Tayla Anne recently posted..Fight.

Reply

102 tessa8m April 11, 2012 at 9:06 pm

Well thank you Tayla… being honest has helped me out so much through this! I know it will be worth it and that is the thought I must hold on to!

Reply

103 Simply Life April 11, 2012 at 8:43 pm

I am obsessed with just about everything at the whole foods bar! :)
Simply Life recently posted..Budget-Friendly Bowl: White Bean and Arborio Rice Soup

Reply

104 Chelsea @ Chelsea Runs April 11, 2012 at 9:12 pm

Hey girl! Keep your head up. It’s a minor setback on a looooong journey that you’ve faced so far. You tried exercising again, it didn’t work, now you can go back to not doing it again so it does work again, right? I know it probably feels like your body is betraying you.. But it’s telling you something. So focus on the good things (GETTING INTO NURSING SCHOOL, YAAAY!) and try to hold out a little longer to heal yourself. You are an awesome person and I know you can do this! Hugs!
Chelsea @ Chelsea Runs recently posted..Wordless WIAW!

Reply

105 tessa8m April 12, 2012 at 4:37 pm

Aww you are too lovely Chelsea :) Good point here, must focus on the good stuff that I have going for me, other than a constant focus on the oleee body

Reply

106 Kate @ Chasing It April 11, 2012 at 10:12 pm

Z BARS ARE THE BEST!! I’m a fan of the chocolate chip one myself and I actually like them the best for mid-ride fuel on the bike…mainly because they’re mostly carbs and they’re easy to open so I don’t fall off while trying to get to my food hahaha. and WHOLE FOODS FTW! I had the WF hot/salad bar for dinner tonight and we always pick up bread & rolls while we’re there too!

And yeah….I totally feel you on this post. It’s frustrating and I will tell you this: the body is not an immediate responder. It takes time for the nutritional changes you’re making to register, for your body to get the message that, hey, everything’s okay. You know exactly what you need to do though, and believe me when I say that it’s going to suck and you’re not gonna like it, but it IS going to pay off. You may gain weight and fat in the short term, but it will allow you to get back to those hardcore workouts. There’s no reason you can’t ever do a tough workout again – once you get back to doing those, and you work out like that while fueling correctly (ie enough)….do that consistently, and you’ll probably be leaner than ever and in a healthy way. The more fuel your body has, the easier it is to keep muscle, BUT you HAVE to have the eating down before you can get benefit from the workouts. I’m sure you probably know all that already lol. So….this period of eating enough, letting your body rest and repair, maybe gaining some weight and some fat….think of it as insurance, as a GUARANTEE for yourself that you’ll be an even better, stronger, faster, leaner version of your athlete self than you were when you underfueled :) you will have energy again, don’t worry. And I think once you commit 100% to recovery (not just for a day), the energy will come back faster than you think :)

ALSO about the period thing – I had a chat w/ my dietician the other day because its still an issue for me as well despite 2 months off from intense workouts AND gaining about 5 pounds. Which makes no sense to me because I’ve gotten it naturally (last year) at a lower weight and when I was training like crazy. She says that STRESS actually plays a huge role in regulating those menstrual hormones, so if you’re stressed/anxious that could be another roadblock to getting your period. I’m pretty positive that’s my issue at the moment – when I got it last year I may have been working out a ton but I was also the happiest and most carefree I’ve ever been, and right now I’m stressed about/unhappy with some things in my life. ironic since the thing you’re probably most stressed about is the whole recovery/lack of period thing lol! So I think maybe during your time off from intense workouts, keeping up the yoga or really focusing on finding ways to eliminate stress etc would probably be a huge help for that one lovely part of recovery :-D

Reply

107 tessa8m April 12, 2012 at 4:36 pm

Gahhh Kateeeee! You always leave me such wonderful, thoughtful and simply intelligent/logical comments! Thank you for taking the time to do so :) Hoookay, I know you are 100% correct here and that I just have to DO IT and be uncomfortable for a certain EXTENDED amount of time. You are right, it does take some time for our bodies to adjust and recover, as much as it would be awesome if they changed fast, well they don’t! And poop that is just the way it is! Had to remind myself haha. Even though I do “know” all of the info you said here, it sure helps to be reminded!
And heck yes to stress and period effecting each other! I lost mine my freshman year at college and while I had lost some weight then, I think it was more due to how miserable, anxious and STRESSED I was at school! And then of course it never returned after losing even more weight. boo my poor body! I am sorry you are feeling out of sorts now too love, I am sure things will get better as you continue to have life stuff fall into place :)

Reply

108 caloricandcrazy April 11, 2012 at 10:47 pm

I love the protein cake! it’s so cute and spongy-looking :)
Oooh and I’ve got to look out for that cranberry butter at TJs, must be new!
caloricandcrazy recently posted..WIAW #11

Reply

109 Jess April 11, 2012 at 11:43 pm

Well I think you’re not seeing results of a healthier feeling body by not working out because you’re simultaneously harming it by restricting. I was recently really sick (like borderline flu, but not really? It was weird) and I literally could not do anything but sleep and eat. I tried to force myself a few days in to get some sort of workout in… boy, that was a bad idea! For the first time in my recovery I truly felt my body physically screaming NO! to a workout. I was outta that gym in like 15 minutes! lol.

Well, the other day I finally felt much better but decided not to risk overdoing it so I planned on going to the gym the next day (yesterday). I restricted slightly on both days and I have to say I practically had to force myself to go to the gym… I wasn’t feeling it at all and truthfully, felt very lethargic and out of energy. My workout sucked. And I also kept thinking, “OMG! What if I end up getting used to not working out and end up being a fat lazy slob!?”

…UNTIL… I realized: I’m still not 100% better from this cold/flu. My nose is super stuffy, I have a gross cough, and am not sleeping well. Obviously, if I can’t breathe well, my workouts are going to be tough. AND I restricted… even on a day I would get my workout in, which is something I haven’t done in a LONG time… but I guess that whole week of not exercising scared me into doing it. But as you see, it does NOT benefit you in any way to restrict and not exercise or to not restrict and over-exercise. Any combination of the two is just plain silly. We just need to give it a REAL try before we knock it ;)

Reply

110 tessa8m April 12, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Hi Jess, I am sure the restriction is NOT helping me recover. I rationalize it by saying that it is still a lot of food compared to my lowest point… but a deficit is a deficit, and comparing myself to others and their intakes is doing nothing good for me at all! I am sorry you have been sick (ugh not fun at all) but it does sound like the experience did mentally help you! Reading this does give me some inspiration and help as well, so thank you for sharing :)

Reply

111 Jemma @ Celery and Cupcakes April 12, 2012 at 1:50 am

It must be so difficult to progress with the ED voice in your head, but I think you are coping amazingly well. I think it is a difficult thing trying not to compare yourself to others, but we are all different and beautiful for different reasons.
Jemma @ Celery and Cupcakes recently posted..WIAW: Easter Sunday

Reply

112 Kat @ a dash of fairydust April 12, 2012 at 5:01 am

Aw,dear,don’t be so hard on yourself!
I think you’ve been doing very well in your challenge,and just because the last few days were not as successful as you would have wished for,it’s not a reason to give up now. Indeed,giving up now,THAT would be weak,but facing a new day with new strength and determination shows a whole lot of courage!
Please,don’t give up. Every day is a new day. It’s true.
Kat @ a dash of fairydust recently posted..What I [shook] Wednesday.

Reply

113 tessa8m April 12, 2012 at 4:44 pm

I am not giving up Kat, never ever

Reply

114 sarah (onedayiwillseethesun) April 12, 2012 at 6:16 am

I can really relate to the feelings of your identity. I feel that my identity now is seen with a sports identity. I guess its important to me as my past idenity was and I guess still is to some degree is with having anorexia, and I want to be seen as a postive image and the fact that I do feel awesome after a run or cycle.
like you I am trying to get my period back, the longer I leave it the more damage I am doing to my body:( ive had to take some rest days as hav einjured my back and it is hard. But I know if my body was more able to cope with the demands of sport then I don’t think I would get injured as much.
Your intake does seem a little low even with not doing so much exercise. Thinking of you, and hope that we will beat this awful illness. I really beleive in you.

Reply

115 tessa8m April 12, 2012 at 4:44 pm

I am sorry about the injury to your back :( I know dealing with that is terribly hard. We both just have to listen to our bodies… simple statement but a truthful one

Reply

116 Lindsay April 12, 2012 at 8:58 am

Thanks for the post Tessa. I think that you and I both need to work on investigating stress-relieving outlets that don’t involve intense exercise. If going on a walk by yourself will tempt you to run, grab a walking buddy, someone who you know will only want to walk. Have you tried yoga? It can be challenging but it a much less intense way, and some classes are in a warm room so you work up a sweat without actually exercising that hard. Do you have any other ideas?

Lindsay

Reply

117 tessa8m April 12, 2012 at 10:42 am

Good idea with the walks… I am going to be home this weekend and am planning to go out with my mom! Yoga is a great one too, I have gone a few times in the past few weeks and I am actually enjoying it. What about a pilates class or some simple stretches?

Reply

118 Laura @ Sprint 2 the Table April 12, 2012 at 10:15 am

Your Whole Foods hot bar box looks like mine do. I can’t decide on just a couple of things so a layer a little bit or everything. :)

My favorite “butter” is Sweet Potato Butter that I found in the North GA mountains. It’s as good as it sounds!

Reply

119 tessa8m April 12, 2012 at 4:42 pm

Sweet potato butter?! Mhhmm yep just sounds a tad delicious ;)

Reply

120 Tara April 12, 2012 at 11:05 am

Kabocha and Seeduction bread are two of my favorite foods too. So good. Sooooo good.
I am all to familiar with the self-sabotaging. It’s been a while since I’ve restricted, but the overexercising I have done in the past has definitely had adverse effects. I convince myself that I need to run X amount of miles in X minutes to get better, but just wind up injured and working backwards. When I used to combine that with restricting it was even worse! It’s so frustrating because when we do this we just push back the results we’re looking for. It’s not easy, but we have to constantly evaluate our choices and how they affect us to get closer to our goals!
Tara recently posted..It’s all about the U

Reply

121 tessa8m April 12, 2012 at 4:27 pm

Looking at my goals is definitely something that is helpful… really considering the future and if the actions I am choosing to engage in are going to benefit me in the long run. A lot of the time the answer is that what I am doing is not helpful! Like you said, have to keep re-evaluating

Reply

122 Errign April 12, 2012 at 11:43 am

Pumpkin and the cranberry apple butter are my faves.

I know how frustrating it is when your body needs rest, but your mind still wants to be active. It’s driving me CRAZY.
Errign recently posted..Frustrated.

Reply

123 tessa8m April 12, 2012 at 4:41 pm

I just read your post… I know you are feeling the frustration too!

Reply

124 Kristen @ Swanky Dietitian April 12, 2012 at 2:55 pm

I have to say that the whole foods salad bar is my favorite!!!
But whenever I go, I rack up a crazy expensive bill cause I pile so much stuff into that tiny box! :)

Reply

125 tessa8m April 12, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Oh my goodness yes I can relate… I don’t even want to tell you my bill for that salad haha

Reply

126 Lisa April 12, 2012 at 4:04 pm

I like how we ate so similar!! Kabocha squash (yes, the best), coconut butter, coconut flour, and protein muffins. Too funny. Don’t feel bad for venting, I know so many of us can relate! Good for you for being honest and acknowledging your struggling, I’m right there with you. Its so hard but we’ll get the hang of it soon. <3 Have a great day!xo

Reply

127 tessa8m April 12, 2012 at 4:19 pm

Thank you Lisa, and you have a great day as well!

Reply

128 Dolce April 12, 2012 at 6:30 pm

I am still in treatment for an ED, at a very healthy weight and eating a good amount, but I still definitely have those moments or days where the ED is trying to make its way inside my head!
I lost my period for about 2 years, and the way I got it back was not exercising (for 3 months-it was SO nerve wracking, but SO SO worth it) and and eating a good amount of fat with every meal and snack. Copious amounts of peanut and almond butter was consumed haha! But anyways, the process was veryyyyy very hard for me, but everytime I would eat a good meal and block out those ED thoughts, it made me feel a little stronger and accomplished.
The first time I had my period without using prescription hormones, I felt so freaking strong. It’s like slap in ED’s face!! HA!
Just take baby steps with this. If you slip up, get right back up. I don’t know if you are religious at all, but I believe God has an ultimate plan for you, just be strong girl :)
I know and you know that this process is hard, but after you get a period naturally, it is just a reminder that it was all worth it!
Dolce recently posted..New kid.

Reply

129 Rach April 12, 2012 at 10:53 pm

I’m sorry you’ve been so frustrated lately, girl. But I think you definitely hit the nail right on the head with the reason why. Being 100% IN is so needed for your body to heal up. You are so right on this. Your eats all look so great today (er… yesterday, haha), but like you said – better without the exercise right now. :)
Rach recently posted..Little known fact about me…

Reply

130 Sophie @ Love Live & Learn April 13, 2012 at 8:22 am

Oh Tessa I really feel for you :-( Chin up chicka, I absolutely promise it WILL get better! How can I promise this? Because of you. Because you are so strong, probably stronger than you realise! I get quite upset reading your posts sometimes, it can be because it makes me realise that I’m not as happy or well as I thought, but mostly because I hate that you have to go through all of these struggles. It hardly seems fair that someone as kind and sweet as you has to deal with all of this, the only thing I can feel positive about is that I know it will help you grow into an even better person :-)

I know what it is to struggle, to feel that you’ll never get there, to be helpless, to not have the support you need. It’s horrible and it’s so disheartening. But I know that you can get through this lovely, because you are amazing!! It’s so clear how much you want to get better and I know that you can push yourself to do this 100% :-)

I hope you have a lovely lovely weekend, I’m here if you need me <3
Sophie @ Love Live & Learn recently posted..What I Ate Wednesday No.30

Reply

131 Heidi19 April 13, 2012 at 10:25 am

Hi Tessa! love your post and whole foods hot bar. Love it! I’m so excited to try your recipe. Thanks for sharing this to us and keep up the good work.
Heidi19 recently posted..Arowana – a prized investment catch or …

Reply

132 Christine April 15, 2012 at 12:58 am

I can’t even begin to tell you how much I can relate to everything you said and want you to know that YOU CAN DO THIS :) Recovery is a roller coaster, but so is life and I think the way that I have finally surrendered to the recovery process is by realizing that until I just let go of control I wont know what the other side feels like. I wasn’t happy before and although I am super uncomfortable, what do I have to loose but give it a shot! I think having patience is the hardest part of recovery because people with EDs (at least me) typically have the “all or nothing” mentality and its hard to grasp the fact that I may be doing everything right in recovery for a long time before I actually realize all of the improvements in my life. I want to let you know, coming from a person who understands you that it does get better. Although everyday is different, some bad, some good, I have never felt so strong and so in tune with me. As hard as it is, patience and relinquishing control has been what has gotten me as far as I am in recovery. Thank you for making me feel a little less alone! I know you can do this!!

Reply

133 Ann April 18, 2012 at 6:35 am

Please allow me to extend my thanks and praises to you all in regards to my last post! It’s always so nice knowing I am not alone in these thoughts and also reading that other people are understanding they are not alone as well! Feeling like a unique crazy person in this sort of situation is not ideal at all and makes dealing with disordered eating stuff that much harder. As always, thank you for input!
Ann recently posted..Laptop disk recovery

Reply

134 tessa8m April 18, 2012 at 6:55 am

Aww no problem Ann! You are right, feeling alone is never ideal

Reply

Leave a Comment

CommentLuv badge
Note: Commenter is allowed to use '@User+blank' to automatically notify your reply to other commenter. e.g, if ABC is one of commenter of this post, then write '@ABC '(exclude ') will automatically send your comment to ABC. Using '@all ' to notify all previous commenters. Be sure that the value of User should exactly match with commenter's name (case sensitive).

{ 2 trackbacks }

Previous post:

Next post: