Good Morning and Happy Wednesday to you!
So today is April 18th…. 9 days until my final capstone presentation, 12 days until classes end, 14 days until my internship ends, 16 days until my final paper for the internship is due, and most importantly, 24 days until I graduate from college. WEIRD. I means goodness, nearly four years have passed since my graduation from high school, a time when I thought I was just the coolest person ever, nervous but excited for college, not knowing then what struggles lay ahead of me….
I do have more to say on my college experience, but now is not the time. I am still too far out from the actual date of graduation to genuinely be able to reflect on the past, my issues during the time, and the various ways I have grown in the past four years. I did just have to shout those above numbers out though, wow, I am close to the end!
Today is more about the food anyway, as it’s halfway through the week and therefore time for What I Ate Wednesday! Appreciations and credit goes to Jenn blogging over at Peas and Crayons. Thank you as always deary!
Today’s WIAW post goes along with what I talked about on Monday- the simple fact that I REFUSE to let this eating disorder be a part of my life. More specifically to be complacent with it... I refuse to allow myself to be recovered just enough in order to be a fully-functioning person (how I would describe myself now) but to actually be dying on the inside, with no indication to the people in my life that I am still suffering to such an extent.
I asked the question at the end of the last post whether or not you all thought it was possible to completely recover, and I had mixed responses… all of which made sense in their own way. Some people proposed that Yes, a life free of ED thoughts is something that can happen, while others argued that No, unfortunately it’s something that will always be with you, but how you react to triggers, thoughts, pressures and other issues that come along in life, shows the extent of your recovery.
Even after thinking it over myself and also reading through all of your speculations on the matter, I am still not positively sure if a life free of an eating disorder is probable, after what I have experienced and lived through myself. The idea that this THING will always be with me, to a certain extent, is a rather terrifying notion, and quite frankly pisses me off.
This disorder was NOT my choice to develop in the first place, no matter what some ignorant people out there believe, but gosh-darnnit, I am going to do everything in my power to fight back. There are of course several ways to do this and one of the major components is the FOOD aspect… and what today’s WIAW is about.
No matter what other treatment I seek, or hurdles I try and overcome in order to beat disordered eating, consuming proper calories and nutrients is necessary and cannot be tampered with in anyway at all. Attempting to restrict, no matter what the amount, hinders the process and makes normalizing my relationship with food and my body to be even more difficult.
So for today’s What I Ate Wednesday, I am “back at it” back to eating the amounts I need (while still taking it easy on the exercise front!), and also challenging myself to continue proving to both my mind and body that the correct number of calories won’t make me balloon, that the extra “treat” will not turn me in to a flabby person, that I do not need to eat “clean” 100% of the time in order to be healthy.
How am I ever going to know how my body will react to what is truly necessary for my individual needs if I don’t at least give what I know I need to do a try? Exactly, I won’t ever know and that’s why the challenge is necessary, no matter how tough it is.
Okay sooooo this was supposed to be an oatmeal bake… this being the goal:
Yeah….Not so much.
But emmm clearly it didn’t work out too well haha. The basic recipe I was using was 1/2 cup rolled oats, egg whites, baking powder, peanut flour, a few blueberries, and cinnamon. Well I didn’t have baking powder so I subbed it with baking soda so that was the first issue. Then I added 1/2 cup too many blueberries made it much too wet to come together and as a result I ended up with this,
It actually tasted fantastic though! Just not as pretty and put together as I would prefer
Strawberry-Banana Chobani with Blueberries (on sale, 2 bucks for a pint! Gosh I cannot wait for legit berry season!):
A most excellent salad from the dining hall. I have said it once and I will certainly say it again, I am really going to miss the dining areas on campus next year, they have always been fantastic!
In the bowl: Spinach, mixed greens, red peppers, tomatoes, cucumbers, mushrooms, 1 whole egg, 2 egg whites, a few slices of deli turkey, and all topped with a drizzle of an olive oil/lemon/balsamic vinegar mix I whipped up the table.
I also noticed a shrimp taco salad thing on the main line that was looked both too pretty and delicious to pass up:
It certainly did not disappoint! I am not sure of everything that was in there but from what I could see and taste- onions, cilantro, black beans, green bell peppers, tomato salsa, avocado pieces and shrimp, all in a crunchy shell. How could I not be sad when I think I won’t have access to items like this next year?! I suppose I could always recreate it myself
I used to NEVER take anything from the main food line of the dining facilities, because I hated not knowing how it was prepared, aka how much butter/oil/doom was secretly lurking in the dish. While there are still some items that are quite clearly swimming in oil and I am just not okay with eating, dishes like this taco salad are worth facing the fear of the unknown. Sure there might be extra FAT in there that I don’t know about, but oh freakin well, it’s all good stuff in the end.
I had a banana in my room that was on it’s last leg and decided to utilize it and mush it into a breakfast cookie:
In the “cookie”:
- 1/3 cup rolled oats
- 1 scoop chocolate protein powder (I used a random CVS brand that I found in a single-serve package, tasty though!)
- 1 T of White Chocolate Wonderful Peanut Butter
- 1/8 cup 1% regular ole cow’s milk
- 1 medium mashed banana
- Several shakes of cinnamon
Then I mixed all of the ingredients together, spread out on a small plate, let it do it’s thing overnight, and enjoyed later with a spoon! I also decided to top it off with another glob of nut butter because 1) YUM, 2) Need to get those calories in, 3) Having (in my mind) “too much” nut butter at the same time is just not okay, so challenging myself to have a lot at one sitting, all while being mindful, is a great way to progress with all of this.
I actually cooked something legitimate at school! I was at the grocery store the other day, saw asparagus on sale for $.90 per pound (woah cheap), and decided to make some sort of meal with it. As I stood there contemplating what to enjoy with this asparagus, I was suddenly inspired by a very spring-like dish I had seen on the Whole Foods website a few days before and decided to recreate it for myself:
Although it was not exactly how I pictured it, the dinner still turned out pretty! All I did was saute asparagus in olive oil and salt, soft boiled TWO eggs, toasted an english muffin and topped it with two slices of provolone cheese and tomato… and tried not to inhale this rather delicious (to me) meal.
I have talked about eggs being an issue for me in the past, but yeah, they still do flirt with the fine line between “fearful” foods and ones I claim are safe. There is no true rationalization behind why I am alright with consuming foods as opposed to others (especially ones that are actually HEALTHY) but there is some mental blocks with items out there. I suppose the thought always boils down to the same boring/redundant issue, “eating (insert food here) will make me fat.”
Again, the only way to prove that this is in fact false is by challenging myself to eat whatever the food is anyway, in this case eggs, and see that nothing terribly- bad happens. This particular day I had three WHOLE eggs and didn’t blow up, gain a fatty layer around my stomach (always the problem area to me) or suffer in anyway. Who woulda thunk?
Chocolate soft-serve ice cream with chocolate sprinkles (sprinkles are an obligation, there is no choice in this ) from a place in town…
When I consume soft-serve my combinations are always either vanilla with rainbow or chocolate sprinkles and chocolate ice cream with chocolate sprinkles… rainbow on chocolate ice cream just seems wrong to me ha. I figured that I am not going to have a lot of opportunities to have legit soft-serve ICE CREAM this summer, as the places around me only serve hard pack (not a big fan), so I ought to take this time to challenge myself once again.
Sure I enjoy frozen yogurt as much as ice cream, there are several kinds that truly taste the same to me, but ice cream is just scary in general with the higher fat and calorie content, so eating it anyway is a perfect way to fight back against you know what.
So there you have it… a What I Ate Wednesday where I am back at it, doing what is necessary in order at least make the steps toward overcoming the disorder once and for all. We all know that this illness is made up of SEVERAL different parts and reasons, and tackling each one is necessary, hence the need to keep working towards a normalization with food and my body. I am sure as heck not there yet, but I am at least working on it, and that is the best I can do for now.
Was this whole day completely guilt-free, no problem, no fears at all? Hell no. But oh well… I have to push through the negativity because I know what restricting leads to, nothing good, while actually eating what I need to could end up in freedom from all of this.
-We all have irrational beliefs that can be applied to many aspect of our lives… how do you separate which thoughts are illogical? How do you prove these ideas/thoughts/beliefs wrong? For the irrational food fears, you just have to eat it and see that nothing bad (aka weight gain) happens.
-How do you challenge yourself on a daily basis as a way to improve your life?
-Have you ever started out making something, from a recipe or your own idea, and had it turn out completely different than expected? If so, was it at least tasty or a major fail?
-Are sprinkles/gimmies an obligation on your frozen yogurt or ice cream? Chocolate or rainbow?! <– Very important question
-And finally, what was the best thing you ate recently? The taco salad and the asparagus/egg dinner are both winners for me this week!
I look forward to reading about all of your recent eats! Enjoy the rest of your day