WIAW- An {Overeating} Lesson Learned

by tessa8m on May 9, 2012

in Product Review,What I Ate Wednesday

As always, thank you all for your most lovely, kind and heartfelt comments on Monday’s post! You guys sure know how to make me feel pretty and good about myself, something that I honestly need sometimes! I am faced with a whole bunch of events, outings, and social stuff in the next few weeks, and while it will be mentally tough at times, looking back on the past weekend, and remembering that I usually do have a good time, helps to give me the nudge I need.

However, there are some… negatives and consequences… that do in fact come out of all of this, ones that I manage to conjure up for myself and of course is pretty much all about FOOD! What else? Sigh.

Since today we are now halfway through the work week, it’s time for What I Ate Wednesday, a blogging “event’ put on my Jenn over at Peas and Crayons each week. Jenn, thank you for doing this once again lady, it is always very appreciated and something I look forward to :)

I am going to use this WIAW as a means to explain my recent decisions around, meal times, and eating and how in fact they are backfiring (well a bit anyway)! These moments and outcomes are what is making me continuously aware (as usual) of the changes I need to keep working on. Alright enough with the vagueness here, let’s get to it!

**Today’s WIAW food is from Friday, the day before the commencement ball that would take place later that night… an event where I knew I would be drinking and eating much MORE than usual.

So as I wrote about on Monday, I made the effort to challenge myself and get my butt out the door to try to be as “normal” as possible, especially during my last moments in college. I become upset when I think about how much I have missed out on because of this disorder, but dwelling on the regrets is not particularly helpful, other than to motivate me to keep the recovery process going.

During all of the events I partook in a few days ago, they were during times I prefer to eat my “special” and “safe” foods, yet I found myself acknowledging that discomfort and doing my best to simply go with the flow, eat before/during/after, and also consume whatever is offered… like I said last week, try to address food as a PART of life, rather than making it everything. There were times that I dealt with this better than others, but overall I was able to eat and move on.

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Breakfast:

I had a very early morning dentist appointment on Friday, worked out before and then underestimated how much time I had to get ready, and ended up eating this in the car (not while driving, but at lights and such!). I forget sometimes how much I LOVE the mango Chobani… I used to never ever eat it because, oh no(!) 2%… don’t think so! Thank the lawd those irrational fears are outtaaaa here, as this flavor is tasty tasty.

Before leaving for my appointment, I stirred in flax, Kashi Crunch cereal and topped the yogurt with blackberries.

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Let me tell you something though, this was (and is) really really hard (I know, duh) and I find myself struggling a bit with a few things regarding this. I keep thinking that as I continue to get myself out there more, gain weight, let go of past ED habits, exercise less, eat more, etc, my brain will just “shut off” with all of this.

Unfortunately though, I am focusing on food and my body MORE, because I am worried about doing all of those things I just listed TOO MUCH- too much weight gain, too much food, TOO LITTLE exercise to make up for it… If I start letting things go too much, I will lose it all and suddenly I will be 30 pounds heavier, feeling miserable and FAT.

Irrational? Of course, but try telling that to this illness that is just fantastic at manipulating your thoughts and actions. I really became aware of this when I took a serious break from exercising and as a result, began to (even more) intensely focus on my food intake as in my mind “something has to give…” I cannot be ‘normal’ and not obsess about the food I eat, the exercise I do, becasue if I stop paying close attention, even for a second, I will lose everything I have “worked so hard for.” (at what cost though?)

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Snack:

Fresh fruit!

Picked up from the Stop & Shop salad bar on the way home from the dentist. When their is fruit at a salad bar that is priced at $4.99/pound, buy lots of it, you sure as heck get your money’s worth!

I also had this new-for-me bar I spotted while at the grocery store,

I am the WORST with new products that intrigue me, I cannot help but purchase them to try, no matter what quantities I have…. and with energy/protein bars, I should not be allowed to buy any more for the next year or so. Anyway, this was a most excellent choice- a nice coconut flavor and the dark chocolate complimented it well… plenty of healthy fats too!

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The intense focus lessened when I began to exercise again (much less than before, but still some activity), and also the realization and reminder that yep, I have to eat “that” many calories, that amount of food if I want to get better and YES it is really uncomfortable! Oh well. It’s been a rough past few weeks now, but improvements were made here and there.

So how does this idea play into my most recent fun-filled weekend? Perhaps you have some idea already of where this is going…

In this situation, I am once again focusing hard core on my food intake.

In my mind: well if I am going to be around unfamiliar food at night, going out to eat dinner and not really know what is “lurking’ in the dishes, well than I had better eat light in order to prepare! Sadly yes, I have been finding myself restricting a bit during the day, in order to feel “okay” with going out, and potentially being faced with a dish or food that is scary for me to eat… but it will be fine since i am under-eating!

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Lunch:

I didn’t feel like walking to the DC that day and decided to eat closer to where I was on campus….A Pita Pit salad! I know I know… a salad from a pita place?! Well in all honesty, sandwiches are still “tough” for me, and when I actually enjoy a sandwich, I want it on nice hearty, grainy, wheat bread, rather than a thin, tasteless pita that only holds the items together. Enter salad from this place that has surprisingly fresh veggies.

In the mix- spinach, romaine, tomatoes, black olives, cucumbers, banana peppers, green peppers, mushrooms, slices of turkey… all topped with a honey mustard dressing. Two things I learned from this salad, 1) Honey mustard= true love, gosh how I love this stuff, and 2) banana peppers are GROSS MAN.

This meal came with chips of choice and a piece of fruit,

For the record, baked Cheetos are awesome! They do leave the rather fake orange residue on your fingers though, but at least it’s not coating a fried potato something, rather a baked on… umm duh haha.

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First of all, I completely get that this is quite against any sort of movement toward recovery and that it’s simply not acceptable. However, I am doing it because I need to have control over myself in some way, and also give myself the ability, permission and leeway of facing an unfamiliar food situation. If I just eat less during the day, then I am mentally prepared for wherever the night or event takes me.

I know this cycle too well, heck I am sure plenty of us do.

Why is that I am so “good” at controlling myself during the day, but at night all hell breaks loose? There is a reason that a large percent of people who were formally Anorexic end up crossing over to Bulimia or Binge-Eating disorder. Their minds and bodies simply cannot take it anymore, cannot stand the malnutrition and restriction any longer, and their body DEMANDS the food that it needs.

I have come this far with this illness, with recovery, that my mind and body no longer will tolerate me undereating. This is actually a positive thing of course, as I am getting in the calories I need. But it does take a toll on me mentally as the guilt, shame, embarrassment and discomfort I feel afterward is practically intolerable. The inevitable sense of failure is a guaranteed one as well.

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Dinner:

Because I ended up getting ready quite early for the dance, I ate dinner early as well and therefore never got a snack in. The disorder part of me gave a ‘hell yes’ to that, as wahooo I am saving calories and will be more okay with drinking later! Again, not okay, as these are the restrictive and sick habits I am trying to get away from… yet are soo so easy to fall into.

Even though I do have my reservations around sandwiches (for whatever reason it continues to be a fear food), I challenged that anyway, and brought Subway with me to eat while getting ready. Plus Subway is the sh*t if you ask me, as I told you all in my survey from Sunday :)

I ordered- 6-inch turkey on wheat bread (toasted!) with tomatoes, pickles, lettuce, provolone cheese, and mustard with a fountain drink on the side, light lemonade. Randomly I had some cereal on the side as well, another new product I could not resist (seriously someone stop me):

I suggest you find this Arrowhead Mills cereal, delicious, crunchy, and pretty filling too! They have a similar texture to Puffins, but I actually prefer the flavor of these squares, it’s more sweet and potent… ideal for me.

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That was the last thing I ate before beautifying, drinking some, and going to the dance. There was food there, cheese, dip, crackers, stuff like that, but nothing really too great-tasting to be honest, so I didn’t consume anything there.

Not enough, clearly because I ended up losing control later and eating (what felt like to me) half of my room. For the record, I was no longer drunk by the time I was getting back from the dance, as we started drinking quite early, so the compulsive need I felt to eat was sparking from a mental and physical restriction I had been partaking in earlier.

The particular day, although healthy, was simply not enough and also filled with too many vegetables and fruit. Yes there is such thing as too much of this stuff for me, as I use this type of food as a means to fill up on the least amount of calories as possible (the oldest trick in the book!) I was eating lighter during this day, knowing I would be faced with an unfamiliar setting with the food.

Perhaps this seems like enough food, but clearly it was not because of what I found myself doing around 12:30 am when I returned-

  • okay I am kind of hungry, I will have a yogurt and then go to bed…
  • Mmm that was good, I want something salty now though… pretzels oh and paired with some peanut butter…
  • Alright just one more something, let’s see… ahh I still have jelly beans, I will just have a handful…
  • Let’s see what else, CEREAL! I will pour out a serving and then that is it!
  • Cottage cheese is something I like to taste last, just one spoonful…

Ahh TESSA STOP, NOOO- you fatty, what in the hell are you thinking right now?! Don’t you realize that just 5 minutes ago you were under calories and feeling fantastic? You lard, now you have gone and ruined it for the day… Enter consuming a yogurt and one more piece of chocolate.

I did eventually stop of course… after god knows how many calories. Perhaps if anything, I should be glad that I consumed the amount I needed for that day, oh and then some. After all was said and done, I felt like total crap.

So not to worry about not getting enough calories in, because I sure as heck made up for my restriction from earlier. I realize that it’s not like I am stuffing myself with chips, chocolate, fried stuff, and loads of empty calorie items, but still… it’s the thoughts behind this, and how I feel after that is bothering me.

Unfortunately this was not a limited one-day event, as the pattern continued on Saturday because that day I was a bit scared of whatever unfamiliar situation I would be in as well. I know this makes pretty much zero sense… but for whatever reason, I get a certain ‘high’ from staying in crucial control before a time I don’t know what I will face as far as food goes. No-freakin-wonder going out anywhere is so exhausting when this amount of thought and concern goes into it?!

Phew, moving on to a better day and in fact since this weekend, I have been nice and balanced, and even enjoying treats such as this ( I have to throw in a recipe here, it’s been too long and you all deserve on after enduring this post haha):

Nut Butter Chocolate Bars (adapted from here and made a bit lighter)

  • 1 (18.25) package plain yellow cake mix (I used Duncan Hines)
  • 1/4 cup butter, melted
  • 1/4 cup unsweetened applesauce
  • 1 cup nut butter of choice (I used 1/2 cup each of WF peanut and almond butter- an interesting combo!)
  • 2 eggs
  • 1 (12 oz) package semi-sweet chocolate chips
  • 1 (14 ounce) can low-fat sweetened condensed milk
  • 2 Tablespoons butter
  • 2 teaspoons vanilla
Directions:
1) Preheat oven to 325 degrees.
2) Combine cake mix, melted butter, applesauce, nut butter, and eggs in a large bowl using a mixer or spoon. Press this into a 9X13 pan reserving 1 1/2 cup of the mixture to crumble on top.
3) In a small pot, melt chocolate chips, condensed milk, and butter. Remove from heat and stir in the vanilla.
4) Spread chocolate mixture over the mixture pressed in the pan and then crumble the reserved cake mixture on top evenly.
5) Bake for 20-25 minutes. Cool completely before cutting into bars.
I shared these with my co-workers and we all agreed, YUM :) Plus the lighter options tasted just fine, ftw!

I know I am honest 100% of the time on my blog, but HONESTLY, this is a topic that is tough for me to write about… I am embarrassed- with my actions and how much I ate, and also that I am still trying to fight against myself and what I understand is against recovery. I am continuing to self-sabotage, but, part of my mind is still on track to get better, as the overeating actions are actually helping me in the end.

In conclusion and note to self- don’t restrict, it will backfire and you will feel bad about yourself. Now why did it take so many emotions, incorrect actions and this rather wordy post to make this conclusion? Not sure, but really, the restriction is no longer happening, I can’t handle this sort of feeling, the loss of control, the guilt and so on. Another day, yet another lesson learned, and a further step toward ridding myself of this illness once and for all.

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-Do you ever do this… try to eat “lighter” earlier in the day if you are facing something later on?

-What is something you need to keep being reminded of in order to get it right or change the habit? For me, restricting= no bueno in any sense at all!

-Losing control around food umm sucks. Have you ever done this, and if so, how do you shake the guilt?

-If you have been in a similar situation as this, why do you think you chose to turn to food as you did? Physical or mental related? For me, I believe this was both physical and related to my mind as well, both playing a role.

-On a foodie note, do you like super-crunchy cereals, or ones that tend to soften in milk/yogurt? Most recent item you baked? I usually like softer ones more, but crunch is a nice change!

-It’s WIAW soooo what is the most note-worthy item you ate in the past week?

As always my dear friends, thank you for reading and any input you have here. Enjoy the rest of your Wednesday, halfway there!

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{ 144 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Natasha May 9, 2012 at 5:09 am

Hey girl, that was a wonderful and very honest post! Ya maybe you did restrict a little bit, and maybe you did have a mini binge episode, but it is not big deal. It happens to EVERYBODY!
Let me just tell you, I have had WAY worse episodes than that, and I know how demoralizing it can be.
There was one time last summer that I can remember vividly. I had a day off of work (and work was what I used to find excuses to not eat and be on my feet all day) and I literally ate EVERYTHING all day long. I was just so starving that I couldn’t get enough food in me at once, and it was also a super hot like 100 degree weather day. I was so full the only thing I could do was sleep it off.
When I look back at that moment, I realize that the ONLY reason I had that behavior around food was because I ate so little. Never before in my life had I had a problem with binging randomly on food. I mean, sure, in the past during holidays or special occasions I might consume more than usual, and I probs had a food baby here and there, but nothing to this extent.
What you have to always remember is that there is a reason for such weird behavior around food and that under eating usually doesn’t work out. But we all have to make mistakes, sometimes many times, before we really start to learn. I still make mistakes and I still don’t eat enough sometimes, and sometimes I still lose control, but what I try to do is recognize the problem and just relax about the situation!
I hope you have an awesome day :)
Natasha recently posted..This or That Tag

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2 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Natasha,
THANK YOU for explaining all of this and adding such wonderful input here! I am just so so glad for you that you were truly able to understand where this was coming from the undereating, and I think that is a major problem for me as well. Yes other factors are playing a role, but this is the main one!

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3 Bec May 9, 2012 at 5:37 am

Oh my god. This very thing happenned to me today, about five minutes ago. Actually I took it to heart so badly I didn’t end up doing a WIAW this week because I felt like I wouldn’t be truthful if I didn’t include everything I ate, and this week as been a truly shocking week – since the weekend (so five days) I have been eating absolutely terribly, and I didn’t want my readers to know, so I am not posting – which is silly, I suppose, because I should be posting about everything, but I find it hard to do so.

I went a little crazy tonight. I didn’t feel like dinner, so I had oats, then weetbix, then yoghurt, then some pasta, and now I feel awful. Not like any of those were big servings, but I didn’t need it. Lately all I’ve been craving are carbs and cereal and I’ve been indulging myself but now I’m worried I can’t stop.

I can’t/don’t shake the guilt. What I try to do is go to sleep, get a few decent hours, and then I eat nothing but veggies pretty much for the next few days, or no bread, or I do something drastic like that. Or I up the exercise, or just go crazy.

So right now, I feel awful. Totally full yet not satisfied. So this post was just the most relatable thing I’ve read today and thank you for having the guts to post it! It makes me feel better to know that people who look like you (in other words gorgeous) sometimes have off days.

And I guess that’s what we have to remind ourselves – it’s just one day.
Bec recently posted..Healthy Banana Bread – Sugarless, Whole Wheat, Low-Cal

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4 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 9:57 pm

Aww Bec I can hear your pain in this post and I am just so sorry you are struggling with this all right now. You are right though, the last sentence is important to remember, it is just one day and we can move on. However, you can’t think you are moving on by beating yourself up and just trying to eat vegetables all day… that is just going to fling you back into the binge/restrict cycle, so try and get back to normal eating (healthy and balanced) asap

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5 Khushboo Thadani May 9, 2012 at 5:51 am

Like you, I learned the hard way about how much eating lightly backfires eventually! I used to barely eat during the days I was eating a meal out at night, and unsurprisingly, overate at dinner! The same goes for breakfast for me- I always eat a substantial breakfast now as I know the hunger will eventually catch up and it won’t be pretty! On the rare days which I do eat more food than I should have (i.e. given my hunger levels), I just try to dust it off and start fresh the next day…beating myself up mentally and physically at the gym does me no favors!

Those bars look absolutely delicious- anything which involves yellow cake mix is a winner in my books :) ! This past week has been full of good eats for me but 1 which stands out is a Chinese dish which involved a stir fry with scallops and macadamia nuts- so good with steamed rice!
Khushboo Thadani recently posted..Scenes of Singapore

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6 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 9:58 pm

I have noticed now now how much of a difference having a legit breakfast makes… a major one in how I eat the rest of the day!
That Chinese dish does sound great!

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7 Amy @ Turtle-speed Runner May 9, 2012 at 6:02 am

I also MUST buy every new product that comes out to try it, regardless of my stash. I wonder if that’s another ED symptom of sorts?? ;P But oh the endless joy of trying something new!!!
And yep – can definitely relate to the restrict / binge thing. When I was in my first months of recovery I absolutely disgusted myself with how I would eat – you’re right, it’s like your body says ENOUGH! and almost forces you to binge? I dunno. I would eat nothing and then binge…nothing, binge…
There was one time there was a chocolate cake in the fridge… I would always “pick” at things I didn’t really want to eat because it was “bad”. So I picked at this cake… then took a tiny slither… then took another tiny slither… and eventually ended up eating HALF THE CAKE. I was so disgusted with myself!! I dealt with it by…purging…
There was also another time where I went around on like a “shopping tour” and seriously just kept buying all the things I had restricted myself from (but loved) the whole time and ate them – and then went on a 7 hour hike to burn it off. Umm. yeah. awesome coping skills?!
I think it happened because of the restriction, yes… I also had no idea how to recover properly as nobody gave me a guideline of “eat 2500 a day to recover” or something like that, so I tried to recover with 1200 (whhaaaat!)… then would obviously be still starving myself, and end up bingeing, purging…whatever.
Anyways I hope that makes you feel better about your binge, it’s definitely better to binge on healthy stuff than half a cake lol! Thankfully I think my bingeing is under control these days. I think the key is to just try to move on when it happens, carry on the next day as if it didn’t… and for me, teaching myself to be OK with having binge trigger foods in the house and not bingeing on them (that has taken a long time…)

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8 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 10:00 pm

I am understanding now, and after reading through other people’s responses and my own realizations, is that still is all something we have to go through. Our bodies NEED FOOD NOW and damn it, there is nothing we can do about it… apparently. Your own experience does make me feel better and I really appreciate you sharing it Amy, thank you!

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9 Christine @ Burning It Off May 9, 2012 at 6:33 am

The whole thing about eating lighter to “save” calories for later is probably the worst advice I’ve seen promoted in women’s “health” magazines – it’s practically guaranteeing a late-night binge, plus it creates anxiety over socializing and eating in unfamiliar settings; like you have to pre-emptively punish yourself for eating too much every time you eat out. I always try to eat as normally as possible before I go out to a restaurant or a party or whatever. That usually helps me not to overdo it because I’ll end up eating only the things I really want to eat, whereas if I’m even slightly hungry I’ll eat everything in sight regardless of whether it’s something I actually want or not.
Christine @ Burning It Off recently posted..WIAW: The Week So Far

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10 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 4:54 pm

Ugh yes when I see those messages posted I am thinking… ummm really?! Especially after experiencing the bad effects and what does in fact happen! I like your strategy and it of course makes sense to approach an outing like that… will try it myself Christine :)

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11 Antonia @ healthinspirations May 9, 2012 at 6:57 am

I really love your posts, your writing and honesty. Unfortunately I only now read Monday’s post but I have to say I’m quite similar. I’ve never really been into drinking, going out like crazy and prefer to spend my evenings at the cinema, at restaurants or with friends. When I started Uni my sister told me that I HAD to go out every day for the first week so I’d find friends and be part of a cool group. That was probably the worst advice she has ever given me ;) I knew that going out would be a great way to get to know people but those weren’t the people that I wanted to spend my time with because they were so different than me. I sometimes think whether I’m taking in the whole “Uni experience” but have come to the conclusion that what I’m doing is right for me. I’m having fun “my way”, no excessive drinking or crazy partying required!
Antonia @ healthinspirations recently posted..WIAW: back to the basics

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12 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 10:01 pm

Ha whoopsie well at least she tried right? :) I am trying to figure out exactly what is right for me, a work in progress for sure!

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13 Sarah @ the Brain and Body May 9, 2012 at 7:19 am

This is such an important post, I went through a period where I used to save all my calories for the evening which never worked out well. I would do the whole “just one more thing” almost every evening and it was extremely frustrating. It was one of the worst periods mentally in my life but thank fully it only lasted about half a year (not that what came after was much better).

Its great you can acknowledge your habbits so that you can continue to “try to address food as a PART of life, rather than making it everything”! Love this post Tessa! :)
Sarah @ the Brain and Body recently posted..More Big News

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14 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Sooo so frustrating, that is exactly what this situation is like. I am glad it got better for you, I am realizing this is a stage that most of us kind of need to experience in order to get better

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15 Michelle@PeachyPalate May 9, 2012 at 7:49 am

I’ve been in the same situation so many times and I’ve finally managed to learn my lesson after many years. I went from having anorexia, to binge eating, to bulimia and back to anorexia again. In all honesty the binging and purging were the worst times even though to the outside world I looked at my healthiest. It is definitely important not to restrict during the day, the day before or the day after when eating out. Very honest and heartfelt post.
Michelle@PeachyPalate recently posted..Change

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16 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 10:02 pm

Thank you Michelle, I want to get out of this cycle and trap asap

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17 Alexandra May 9, 2012 at 8:02 am

I think it is so great you can be so in tune with your actions! In the past, I have been known to ‘save up’ my calories too, especially if I know I’m going out to eat or going to a party. But I only end up depriving myself and having a similar situation as you did with the overeating. I hate that feeling of guilt, so I’ve really been trying to nix that save it up mindset. This challenge is only another stepping stone on your path to recovery, I think overcoming this will make you even stronger! :)
Oh and ummmm I believe I’ll have to come over to steal those nut butter bar things– they look absolutely AMAZING!!! :D
Hope you have a great day friend, and stay strong in this battle. I’ll be praying for ya and sending strength, love!
Alexandra recently posted..Cinco Things

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18 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 4:56 pm

The guilt is the freakin worst… if there is anything to prompt me to stop it’s that feeling! Ha dooo steal them, they are fantastic!

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19 Vien @ We Dare Food May 9, 2012 at 8:36 am

You’re not alone :) It has happened to me before (too many times!). Whenever I try to ‘control’ myself around food during the day, I’d go crazy in the evening or before I sleep! And for days, I’ll be stuck in this cycle because my guilt from the night before will continue bugging me till the next day. I’ll ‘restrict’, lose control, ‘restrict’, etc. Especially now, when my assignments are piled up! So I do try to have a hearty breakfast and lunch! and when I actually do, my random night eating stops!
hmm… I love super crunchy cereals! and the best thing I ate this week was a ham, cheese & baba ganoush panini! But been craving Malaysian food for ages! Can’t wait to go back for the winter break :D
Vien @ We Dare Food recently posted..EARL Canteen, CBD

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20 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 10:03 pm

Ughhh yeah when I get stressed out…. about anything really… it does seem to happen more!
That Panini does sound amazing Vien!

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21 Eating as a Path to Yoga May 9, 2012 at 8:48 am

Geneen Roth in WF&G says there are 2 kinds of eaters: Permitters and Restrict-ors. If you are one, you want to be the other one.

I am a permitter.

I was a serious restrict-or during my diet mentality days.
However, for ever wloss diet there is an equal and opposite binge, so it wasn’t surprising that I am now a permitter.
Eating as a Path to Yoga recently posted..Mindful Eating Challenge #7

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22 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 12:00 pm

Hmm very interesting ideas here, off to do some research on the topic!

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23 Faith @ For the Health of It May 9, 2012 at 8:53 am

I’ve always found that my eating gets more out of control in the evenings – but try not looking at it like it’s getting “out of control” – maybe your appetite is just naturally larger at that point as your body has gone through all the rigors of the day! It’s obviously hungry – not out of control!

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24 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 11:46 am

Good plan… changing how you put your thoughts around something like this is important and can make all of the difference

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25 Kat May 9, 2012 at 9:08 am

oh man I am FAMOUS for my night binges!! It still happens frequently unfortuntely, which is really frustrating. BUT we just have to take them as lessons and keep trucking onward. Obviously our bodies didnt get enough fuel throughout the day, so they are crying out for more!!
Kat recently posted..Quick Lemon Protein Muffin

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26 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 11:45 am

For sureeee, I mean it could not be more obvious that our bodies are simply needing more and more!

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27 Victoria (District Chocoholic) May 9, 2012 at 9:18 am

This can happen to me a lot at night as well – whether the massive caloric deficit was intentional or unintentional. Morning workout+all day meeting+evening workout (which means I don’t want more than a snack between work and the workout, because I don’t want to get sick at the track/in the pool/on the bike)=sometimes burning more through exercise than I’ve taken in during the day.* Then I wind up eating quite a bit between 9 and 10 pm because 1. I’m hungry (duh) and 2. My brain feels like it’s OK. I know that I could address this by eating more calorie-dense foods during lunch breaks at my meetings, but I have convinced myself over many many years that I “don’t like” those foods.

So no, you are not alone, and it’s very, very hard to get away from. I’m going on well over a decade of dealing with this.

*(And I’m going to AGAIN add in the disclaimer that I work out this much because I’m training for several really long races, and I’m working with a certified USA Triathlon coach who sets up my workout schedule. It’s NOT something I do to burn off massive quantities of calories, it’s something I do so that I can get to the finish line of an ironman at the end of August. Tessa, I know you know this, but not all your readers do, so if they read my comment, I want them to know that working out this much, if not necessary for training, probably isn’t healthy.)
Victoria (District Chocoholic) recently posted..April 30-May 6: Just Swim

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28 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 11:45 am

I totally understand why you are putting this disclaimer in, you never know how people might jump all over your intentions and actions and make them seem really bad and terrible… and “disordered.” I appreciate you adding your input and thoughts here on all of this!

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29 Victoria (District Chocoholic) May 9, 2012 at 11:56 am

Or, even worse, they’ll think that it’s completely reasonable and healthy to go out and bike 80 miles and then run an hour on a regular basis just to burn calories.
Victoria (District Chocoholic) recently posted..April 30-May 6: Just Swim

30 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 4:57 pm

Yep good point, because honestly yes that can happen around these parts!

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31 Kaitlin @4loveofcarrots May 9, 2012 at 9:26 am

oh how I knew that night all to well in college, eat dinner at 5:30, resrticting all day and not eat anything before going out and drinking, drinking more than I should and being starving and either a.) going to bed starving or b.) eating way too much and waking up so upset with myself that I would spend up to 2 hours at the gym that day! It is a horrible vicious cycle that we put ourselves through. Realizing you made a mistake and accepting that you did rather than punishing yourself for it is definitely a step in the right direction!

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32 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 10:04 pm

Urghhh a vicious cycle for sure… must get out of it and soon. Glad you have been able to do so :)

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33 Lindsay @ In Sweetness and In Health May 9, 2012 at 9:30 am

Oh love, I have been there before! Where you restrict during the day and then you’re SO SO hungry later that you essentially end up stuffing your face. Ugh, I hate that feeling and I’ve definitely done it. It’s so much better to eat more throughout the day. While even that can be mentally scary, it’s usually much more emotionally tolerable than restricting and then stuffing! The best thing I’ve eaten this week was sushi! I had this amazing roll that was crab, avacado, cucumber, and topped with a peanut sauce. Holy yum!
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34 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 11:43 am

So true… I like to think of it that way, that when you eat correct amounts during the day, you are actually setting yourself up for a great night and much less worry!
That sushi does sound yummy! I am going tonight for some with a friend and might try something like that :)

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35 Dorsa @ Running Thoughts May 9, 2012 at 9:50 am

I do that a lot :( its bad but it gets me through sometimes.
Dorsa @ Running Thoughts recently posted..Let the shenanigans begin

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36 Laurie @ Love, Laugh, Laurie May 9, 2012 at 10:00 am

Such an honest post and I know we have all been there before. I am getting better about eating, but I used to do the same thing — restrict my food (or eat nothing) in preparation for a big event. And it almost always backfired. You definitely have the support of all of us though, so thanks for posting!
Laurie @ Love, Laugh, Laurie recently posted..Monitoring Milo

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37 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 4:57 pm

It’s nice knowing i have the support Laurie, thank you!

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38 Ashley @ My Food 'N' Fitness Diaries May 9, 2012 at 10:10 am

definitely experienced this more times than i can count in my past! i try my best to shake it the next day and use it as a time to start over on a positive note. like you said at the end… “note to self: don’t restrict”. amen! i’ve noticed since i’ve been eating more lately, i’m not as tempted to binge later. restricting definitely encourages the bingeing! i love that you’re aware of all of this… that is so huge! xoxo
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39 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 10:05 pm

I know that when I eat a heartier breakfast it makes such a difference… I want to try and eat even more in the morning and then see what happens!

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40 Brittany @ GOtheXtraMile May 9, 2012 at 10:19 am

Sorry I didn’t see your other post (it isn’t coming up in my reader again), but I just read it and I am so so glad you had a wonderful time out with friends! I have seen the “eat lighter to save calories” in the media before, so it’s not surprising that people actually do it ! I’m sure many people think that it will work. But honestly to me, especially after drinking, I get hungry! I usually need a good amount of food in me before going out and drinking or else I will be starving when I get home. The good thing is that you acknowledged it, and you will overcome it girl <3
Brittany @ GOtheXtraMile recently posted..WIAW–Oat less Oats

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41 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 10:06 pm

Hmm not sure is what going on with the reader… sorry about that :( Yes after drinking all heck breaks lose, even when I am sober!

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42 Alex @ therunwithin May 9, 2012 at 10:26 am

I think from all the comments and my own experience as well, this happens to us all. We find excuse after excuse to eat lighter during the day just setting ourselves up for the inevitable at night. It is just proof that our bodies are smarter than the disorder. However, I remember memories where I would do this same thing, I worked all day long at my job. When I finally got off work it was terrible and I would use excuse after excuse to not stop eating. I think what you are explaining is a process we all have to go through and learn how to handle. it isn’t easy at all though. I know that gross, sick feeling at night that just doesn’t shake off even after you go to bed.

Also, I have to say I love those banana peppers you hate! They are my favorite. And I want to hear how that bar is, I literally just drooled over the name of it!
Alex @ therunwithin recently posted..Its Been a Long One

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43 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 10:07 pm

So so true and even more reason to trust our bodies, no matter how weird and wrong it feels!
Well I would say maybe one banana pepper is good, but then too overpowering of a flavor ha

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44 Ashley @ AlmostVegGirlie May 9, 2012 at 10:40 am

Oh girl, I am so sorry you had to go through this! I haven’t exactly struggled with bingeing myself but I have definitely gone back and grabbed a little more of something I just ate or I eat little bites here and there of something and it makes me feel incredibly guilty, no matter how healthy the food I consumed was. I can totally see the connection between restricting and overeating though and I think it’s really smart to tell yourself that restricting will get you no where. If we want to normalize our relationships with food, the restricting or lighter eating has to stop! But I feel like overeating is something everyone, especially people with ED histories, goes through and it is so tough.

Sandwiches are a huge fear food of mine too! I haven’t had legit bread or an actual sandwich in so long–every time I order one, I skip the bread completely. I really want to challenge myself and go to Whole Foods and buy some really good bread so I can see that it’s not as scary as I think it is!
Ashley @ AlmostVegGirlie recently posted..WIAW: Free At Last (Almost!)

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45 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 11:41 am

Ugh precisely Ashley, it just has to stop no matter what way we try and make it so we don’t have to! Just ridiculous and of course we realize that it does in fact backfire! That sounds like a great challenge, seriously! They have such good and wholesome bread there too, I totally encourage you to do that :)

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46 Catalina @ Cake with Love May 9, 2012 at 10:50 am

The chobani mango is my favorite too! :) On the other note, I think you are so brave being that honest here, this “night binge” happens to people that don’t have an eating disorder too, I didn’t have enought food on Monday, I was very busy at work, and after I had to go to teh gym, but I can’t eat anthing 2 hours before a workout, so I snacked but skipped dinner, at 11PM before sleep it hit, I was so hungry, and was going thru our fridge and pantry like a crazy, mad woman, finally ate 1000 or more calories, went to sleep and my stomach hurt all night long, lesson learned, better skip a workout than dinner!
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47 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 11:29 am

Ugh yess I can relate to a situation like that as well… even if it has not been done intentionally, then all of a sudden HUNGRY!

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48 Jana @ Newly Wife Healthy Life May 9, 2012 at 11:00 am

Girl, I totally get you on the restricting before special events! I used to cut back early in the day if I knew I had a special dinner planned later. However, all this did was leave me starving by dinner and I couldn’t focus on the fun dinner, as I was more interested in eating because I was so hungry! Now I keep my meals regular and then just eat until I am full at the dinner and then stop. I learned there is such a thing as to-go boxes and now I like to save what is left and experience the meal again for lunch or dinner the next day. Hang in there lady, you will get there too! :-)0
Jana @ Newly Wife Healthy Life recently posted..WIAW: Boxed Lunch

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49 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 11:28 am

Ugh yes that is exactly what happens! Especially the not being able to focus situation, no thank you to that. I am glad you have improved so much, I am sure working on it too

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50 Erica @ For the Sake of Cake May 9, 2012 at 11:04 am

I love Baked Cheetos! They are one of the few baked chips that I think taste exactly like the real thing!
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51 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 11:27 am

I agree! They are officially a staple in my snack favorites!

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52 Laura@keepinghealthygettingstylish May 9, 2012 at 11:05 am

OMG Tessa, I have done EXACTLY the same as you so many times. I’ve come home after a couple of drinks and just ‘let go’ and ate more than was acceptable to me at that point, then felt terribly guilty about it, restricted the next day and the cycle continued. You are not alone in this! The best way to get over an episode like that is to draw a line under it and move on as best you can. I know its tough but feeling guilty will just grind you down. You are so right with your final statement – don’t restrict as it will back fire. I’ve been eating much more recently (thanks to actually knowing how many calories I’m eating) and my urges to binge have virtually gone. Just don’t beat yourself up though, you have made great process. Oh and re your comment on my blog – can’t believe you haven’t had tahini! Its amazeballs :-)
Laura@keepinghealthygettingstylish recently posted..WIAW: Go, Go, Go

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53 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 12:24 pm

Thank you for telling me about your own experience with this and that I am not alone! Always a nice thing to know :) I knowww I need to try tahini, what the heck haha

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54 Laura @ Sprint 2 the Table May 9, 2012 at 11:11 am

I am the same way with new products – I have to try the latest and greatest! Speaking of which… I can’t believe I haven’t seen those toasted almond squares! I’m officially on a mission. :)

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55 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 11:26 am

Yesss get them, so dang tasty :)

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56 Erin May 9, 2012 at 11:43 am

Tessa you get +1 million points for being honest with such a tough issue. Because of the shame a lot of people sweep this aspect of eating disorders under the rug… I think society overall still places a way bigger stigma on Bulimia.

That being said, I have hit every aspect of the spectrum… bulimia, then anorexia, then purge-type, then back to anorexia… What a ride. Now I still get this compensation/restriction attitude a lot, and still have major issues with my night snack. Even on a regular day I often save calories so I can have a bigger/better night snack…. mental recovery block there. Unhealthy attitude, but at least its not an oh-em-gee-outta-control binge, since its planned.

So maybe if you do find yourself in the under-ate-all-day predicament, you could try mentally preparing yourself to have a bigger night snack, and plan it a little. I know its not the best recovery attitude, but it beats an all out binge in my book. Again, your honesty is admirable! Good luck!

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57 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 12:26 pm

I agree with what you said on Bulimia Erin, I do believe that society places more of a stigma on it… that it’s “Gross” or dirty in a way. Although I have never had bulimia, this makes me rather ragey.
yes a mental recovery block and something I sooo totally understand and am doing, must stop though! I like the idea of planning this, going to try that out Erin, thank you :)

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58 Amy B @ Second City Randomness May 9, 2012 at 11:44 am

I’ve been known to stalk The Girl Who Ate Everything’s site. She sometimes comes up with real winners!

And I eat lighter throughout the day if I know I’m going to have a big dinner out or something. I think it happens without realizing, mostly because I’m just really excited to try everything at a new place…
Amy B @ Second City Randomness recently posted..Standard Procedure

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59 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 12:21 pm

See I like that attitude a lot Amy, you are excited for the new experience which totally makes sense!

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60 Liz @ Southern Charm May 9, 2012 at 12:07 pm

I suppose I do try to eat lighter when I know I will be doing something that evening – I load up on fruits, vegetables & lean proteins since I know it’s something I can control, so that way when I go, I can eat and drink whatever I want.

My reminder is that every time I sit on my couch to eat, I HAVE to bring my attention to my food. I’ve been having issues with binging (it’s connected to my anxiety which I’m working through with help) and when I pay attention and not let my mind wander, worry what I have to etc, I’m good. It’s work. A lot of it. A constant struggle. But so long we keep reminding ourselves, we bring attention to it and hopefully help ourselves break through it!
Liz @ Southern Charm recently posted..What I {Packed To Eat} Ate Wednesday

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61 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 10:08 pm

I think it’s great that you are working on it so hard yourself Liz! You keep it up lady

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62 corrie anne May 9, 2012 at 12:08 pm

That coconut macaroon bar looks awesome. I definitely struggle with overeating at night if I haven’t eaten enough during the day althought it’s usually not purposeful! Love the CRUNCH!
corrie anne recently posted..Baked Taco Salad Shells + My Catastrophe = Boyd’s Celebration!

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63 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 12:30 pm

It was a tasty one, give it a try sometime! :)

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64 Melissa May 9, 2012 at 12:22 pm

I am dealing with a lot of these issues now and I was wondering if we could talk and you could tell me how you are handling them thanks.

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65 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 4:17 pm

Of course Melissa, shoot me an email anytime! Tessam1989@yahoo.com

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66 Sarah Beth May 9, 2012 at 12:36 pm

when I lose control around eating something, I just remind myself that I’m not perfect and don’t have to be. I don’t lose control every single day, and I remind myself that even if I gain a small amount of weight, my world is not going to end, nobody else will likely notice, and my friends and family still love me. The most noteworthy thing I ate this week was some Memphis barbecue–you just can’t beat memphis pulled pork and turkey legs!!
Sarah Beth recently posted..Rhythym & Booze

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67 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 4:11 pm

This is the kind of reminder I need Sarah, so so true and you are right.

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68 Sable@SquatLikeALady May 9, 2012 at 12:40 pm

Ughhh this is SO familiar to me.. this is exactly the shape my ED took at the very very end. I would still restrict *hard* throughout the day but my body took over at night & I’d binge and feel horrible and then begin to have fleeting thoughts about maybe recovering, but I’d always beat them down with my self-hatred and obsession and wind up purging via exercise…at like midnight. Ugh ugh ugh. I didn’t remember that til I read this!

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69 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 4:09 pm

Doh I don’t want to prompt bad memories Sable! I am glad you have improved this situation though of course :)

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70 CJ @ http://healthy-happy-whole.com/ May 9, 2012 at 12:41 pm

I don’t know if you ever read my post called Behind Closed Doors it is about a very similar situation. There is nothing to be ashamed of. You are strong and beautiful! Please tell yourself that now and every day. I’m rooting for u always!!!

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71 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 4:07 pm

I haven’t but will look into it… it’s not that I am turning to the binge-eating lifestyle though, I just want to normalize my relationship with all of this already…

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72 CJ @ http://healthy-happy-whole.com May 9, 2012 at 8:47 pm

exactly…you dont have it in your make up to be a “binge-eater” so your body was just telling you you under ate. sometimes our bodies are smarter than we are haha
CJ @ http://healthy-happy-whole.com recently posted..I Think We All Need A Break

73 Yellow Haired Girl May 9, 2012 at 12:48 pm

I LOVE Pita Pit salads! They are always my go to choice when I have a hectic day at work and need to grab something to quickly eat at my desk. Yum!
Yellow Haired Girl recently posted..A Quiet WIAW

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74 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 10:10 pm

Mm yes exactly, and I was pleasantly surprised with how fresh everything was!

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75 Annie May 9, 2012 at 1:20 pm

This post could not have been more on target. I have been so much better at eating “fear foods” and more calories during the week, but come the weekend..not so much! Ive been better at going out (drinking & eating) but I often find myself
Restricting/ eating lighter before my night outs. I use it as a rationale to get myself to indulge later. However that’s a terrible rationale! I need to indulge for the sake of it, not because I deserve it for depriving myself all day.

What I really want to say though was this Saturday I had a very similar binge/emotional self hatred for it. I went out for cinco de mayo, and found myself limiting myself to how many tacos, margarittas etc. I went home & ate every thing in site. Including spoonfuls of peanut butter and then actual butter (eww?). Something I haven’t eaten in years. This has happened quite a few times. But I think im finally starting to learn how badly I need to change. And most importantly move on & not hate myself
For the binge.

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76 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 4:05 pm

Ahh yes exactly, you articulated what I am trying to say here in your first paragraph… I don’t want the “permission” to eat later becasue I restricted, I just want to be able to do it! I have done what you did on Saturday before and yep, it sure does feel shitty. You are so mentally deprived that your brain just clicks and then FOOD. Sucks to say the least and I am glad we are both working on this, as neither of us deserve situations like this

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77 Amy Lauren May 9, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Those bars look delicious, and i might make them soon. I have those ingredients right now but they need to be used.

The binge craziness happened to me the other night. It always happens when I don’t eat enough during the day. It usually starts with a spoonful of peanut butter, then goes to granola, then I want something salty, etc. Before I know it, I’ve eaten spoonfuls and handfulls of everything in the house. And like you, it’s usually fairly healthy stuff and not just junk, but I still feel bad about it. I guess after restricting, though, my body needs more calories to “make up” for the months and months of heavy restricting.

If I know I’m going to lunch out, I have a tendency to skip or not eat as much for breakfast. Definitely not a good practice, but I do it. My coworker/older friend always reminds me that I need 3 meals a day no matter what and to at least eat something for breakfast each day!
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78 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 3:57 pm

Yes I really do think our bodies know best and when they need more food, well then “will power” no longer exists, especially after a long period of restriction! That’s nice your friend is there to remind you of what you need to be doing!

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79 Kat @ a dash of fairydust May 9, 2012 at 1:44 pm

Oh Tessa,I know exactly what you’re talking about here… I’ve done that a lot – eating “lighter” (aka restricted) during the day and then lost control later on because of under-eating. I know it’s so hard to get out of this rut,but believe me,it IS possible!
You know,somewhen I said to myself: “NO. I don’t want this anymore. I don’t want to feel the guilt,the frustration,the pain afterwards; I don’t wanna run to the toilet to get rid of everything I binged on. This has to STOP!” And so,I forced myself not to restrict during the day,eat,even if I felt guilty in that respective moment (but that kind of guilt was not as bad as the guilt after stuffing my face with god-knows-what!),and guess what? It got better. And better. And better.
So yes,it IS a challenge – but a worthy one,I can tell you. Definitely. :)
Kat @ a dash of fairydust recently posted..WIAW [#4] – Factual.

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80 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 4:21 pm

Love this Kat, thank you for the very encouraging comment here, plus I am just so thrilled to hear how much better you are :)

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81 Living, Learning, Eating May 9, 2012 at 1:49 pm

I totally understand! I was getting into a bad pattern, too (I know that feeling where you’re out of control hungry and just eat everything in sight – then you realize it’s just been 2+ meals’ worth of food). For me, it’s when I get busy and forget to/don’t make time to eat regularly and enough. Then at some point, usually at night but sometimes at snack time, my body is like FEEEEEED ME. And then I feel really uncomfortable afterwards and it can be a bad cycle. But my advice? Eat through it to break the cycle. Even if you wake up full, try to eat normally – otherwise you’ll end up too hungry at night again! Good luck and stay strong :)
Living, Learning, Eating recently posted..WIAW #37

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82 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 4:23 pm

This is good advice, get right back to eating normally, and it will all balance out!

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83 Kate @ Work in Progress May 9, 2012 at 1:57 pm

gah this is me too!! I did this a ton in college actually. If I knew I were going out to drink or to dinner, I’d restrict all. day. long. In fact, ashamed as I am to admit, if my boyfriend and I had a date to make pizza and drink champagne, I probably wouldn’t eat anything except my post-workout breakfast (which was fruit and…fruit. smart.) that day so that I could eat a lot in front of him. Usually this didn’t work out – if I was going to the bars, I ended up WAY more drunk than I ever wanted to be (no food in my stomach!), if it were out to eat, I probably would order a salad at the restaurant anyways and then want to pass out when I got home….which meant that 1. I had no energy and was in a bad mood so I wouldn’t hang out with friends and 2. I’d binge on chocolate and peanut butter in my room. Yeah, it just never works!! It does get better though. HOnestly if I find myself reaching into the PB jar or the bag of choco chips, I just kind of slap my own hand and say, “nope, I’m better than this. I don’t deserve to feel gross.” Obviously that’s only possible when I eat enough during the day – which gets easier! It’s definitely hard not to go to a banquet or out for drinks after having eaten enough during the day, but I think everything balances out in the end, if you let it. And often it takes feeling gross after a binge to really light a fire under your ass and work harder at recovery – and I think you’re really close!!
Kate @ Work in Progress recently posted..A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words: Adventures in the Sunshine State

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84 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 4:20 pm

Mhmm yes, I am nodding to all of this Kate! Well not the boyfriend situation for me, there has been a lack of that up in these parts in the last few years haha. But yes to getting crazy-nuts drunk before I knew what had happened! Part of me was okay with that, because ya know “less calories’ but that is NOT the point of going out and having some drinks!
I like your technique and also that you are preventing a potential binge by realizing that you do not deserve at all to mentally feel embarrassed, shamed and weak, and also physically gross as well! I have to trust the process and “let it be” like you said, hard to do though, but I am working on it

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85 Jemma @ Celery and Cupcakes May 9, 2012 at 2:31 pm

I have over eaten many a time and have tried to re-compensate the next day. You really are not the the only one who does this so please don’t feel alone. Love the sound of your recipe!
Jemma @ Celery and Cupcakes recently posted..WIAW: a day in the life of…

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86 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 4:24 pm

Thank you Jemma.. it is nice to know I am not alone!

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87 Jocelyn @ Peace Love Nutrition May 9, 2012 at 3:55 pm

Listen to your body and try to eat real foods.

It can be as simple as that

xo
Jocelyn @ Peace Love Nutrition recently posted..((Product Review)) Luna Fiber Bar!

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88 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 10:11 pm

It can be… much easier said than done… but working on it.

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89 Lisa May 9, 2012 at 4:41 pm

Love your honesty in this post. I also struggle with totally controlling my intake when I know I will be going out later. In order to save calories, I will monitor what I am eating earlier in the day and make sure I stick with strict guidelines. It is really hard for me to let go of this behaviour, because like you say I fear I will completely forget about everything and just magically gain 30 pounds and will no longer care about my health/exercise. Yet, this is why I can’t let go of the eating disorder. Ugh. I have never struggled with over eating after having this ed. But, before I was diagnosed with anorexia, I did go through a bout of bulimia, so know what that bingeing is like, and agree it is awful. I think going through that, makes it so hard for me to ever binge on things though. It is definitely a daily challenge, stay strong my friend!!
Lisa recently posted..WIAW #7

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90 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 10:12 pm

You stay strong too Lisa… we both will and will prevail! God dammit :)

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91 Sonia the Mexigarian May 9, 2012 at 4:52 pm

Binge eating is very dangerous for me because it leads to my purging episodes. Which leaves me feeling like sh*t . So I very much try to eat healthily during the day to keep me from going overboard in the evening.

It’s a tricky balancing act with my body. Sometimes I think I give it enough food when in reality I am still restricting. I am slowly picking up on my hunger cues, so I reach for something safe like veggie and fruit or a protein bar. Even on special occasions, I will try to eat normally during the day and eat the special dinner normally as well. And if there’s drinking involved? Well, I have been cutting down on my alcohol intake for a long while now.

I am never proud of my binges and truly try not to wallow in my guilt because that leads to emotional eating, eeep. Which would turn into a viscious cycle. I just promise myself to eat wisely the next day and maybe take a little extra time on a walk or at the gym or another lap in the pool.
Sonia the Mexigarian recently posted..Foodie Penpal

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92 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 10:13 pm

it sounds like you are making some major improvements yourself Sonia… really being aware of what you need to do, and this is just so important, and admirable as well! Keep doing this, and I promise too as well

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93 Hanna May 9, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Oh. My. Gosh. You just told my love-hate relationship with food perfectly. This literally happens to me every other weekend and it’s so demoralizing. And I’m going to college this fall…yikes I gotta learn my lesson! But this post was the most helpful WIAW post ever because no one ever really posts about this kinda thing. As a big blog reader, I think it’s good to have all the healthy WIAW posts to learn balance, but it’s these honest posts that make it a thousand times more easy to live life and eat right. Thanks a GAZILLION! You made me realize that this happens to people besides just me!!

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94 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Aww Hanna thank you for telling me this! I agree, there is an array of WIAW posts out there that add their own unique style, but I like honest ones too so I feel less alone with such tendencies

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95 Sam May 9, 2012 at 5:30 pm

I definitely know what you mean. I had something like that yesterday–I finished eating really early and wound up hungry late at night, then ate a bunch of broccoli and tomato sauce, some pickles, then a small square of chocolate–not the worst thing in the world, but it did give me a stomachache. And it really made me feel messed up. I used to eat pickles late at night when I was anorexic; it was such an appetite-suppressant thing. Bothers me that I default to that again when I’m hungry. The chocolate was because I knew I needed fat and wanted something satiating, so I actually think that was a /good/ idea; if only I’d gone for it first instead of going ‘oh no, must eat vegetables.’

I think there are a lot of behaviors that ex-anorexics wind up having that are not even so much psychological as physiological. For instance: I hoard food. This is classic post-POW behavior, too, from men who were starved against their will. So you buy a lot of bars… I have a drawer of H candy that I never touch, a bunch of pretzels I bought ages ago, way too many kabocha squashes on my counter, some opened Pirate’s Booty I should really throw away… it’s not so cost-effective.

Thank you for writing about this. You are DEFINITELY not alone here.

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96 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 10:18 pm

Like you said, what you had was not the worst thing in the world…but it’s still the act of it, the feeling of not being able to stop and then the guilt after… all feel terrible! I hoard food too, like 100% for sure, and it really does make soo so much sense. I am not allowed to buy any sort of energy bar for the next year or so!

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97 Blueberry Smiles May 9, 2012 at 5:46 pm

I didn’t know they made baked Cheetos– looks so good! Don’t be too hard on yourself– everyone (ME especially) gets extra snacky some nights (for me, it’s always when i don’t eat enough during the day) and if you look at the big picture, you’re doing GREAT!

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98 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 9:35 pm

Thanks girl, you are right, we should all never be too hard on ourselves!

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99 krystal@coffeecardiogoddess May 9, 2012 at 6:15 pm

Oh hun I know this situation all too well. I pretty much always restrict myself on food throughout the day if i plan on drinking in the evening. Also I will do this if Im going to a special restaurant, like my fav cheesecake factory because i know i will be consuming more calories then i would like too. Its soo horrible but we will overcome it!!! I know we will.
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100 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 10:19 pm

We will.. and I shall be returning your email as soon as I can :)

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101 krystal@coffeecardiogoddess May 9, 2012 at 6:17 pm

P.s my hubby gets baked cheetos and I tried them for the first time yesterday and really liked them:) Also that recipe looks ahmazing!!
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102 chelcie @ chelcie's Food files May 9, 2012 at 6:53 pm

it’s really hard to resist the urge to restrict I can completely relate. whenever i restrict a lot i always end up overeating at night and then i feel bad about myself for it. so it is definitely better to not restrict! its so amazing how honest you are being about this, i know it is really difficult but its really inspiring as well:)
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103 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 10:20 pm

Thank you Chelcie, it sure helps me to get it out

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104 Chelsea @ One Healthy Munchkin May 9, 2012 at 8:46 pm

Binges suck, but it’s great that you can be so honest with yourself about it! I can definitely relate. I sometimes have trouble controlling myself at dinner time – especially when I’m out at a restaurant or eating with my family – and I just stuff myself until I feel sick. I don’t know why I do it because it happens even on days when I’ve eaten tons of calories… it’s so frustrating! That feeling of being out of control and the stomach ache afterwards really sucks! :P I try not to beat myself up about it though and I hope you don’t either. It happens and we just need to move on and try to listen to our bodies more and find a better balance! :)
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105 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 9:34 pm

Yesss I get that too… sometimes when I am out with my family I go to town and then feel gross about it, and just like you I have eaten normally that day! Gahh don’t know why either, but yep, just have to keep truly listening to our bodies

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106 Nikki May 9, 2012 at 8:54 pm

I definitely find myself eating lighter during the day if I know that I am going to eat a ton that night. And I am all about crunchy foods rather than soft ones!

PS I had cheetos this weekend for the first time in FOREVER! I forgot how good they are!
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107 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 9:31 pm

Mmm aren’t they tasty!? Try the baked ones too, they are a truly good healthier alternative!

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108 Eryn May 9, 2012 at 9:13 pm

I used to THINK this was me…as in I was very self aware of how much more I ate than the average person and had some pretty toxic people creating rumours that I must be bulimic because I eat a lot, but am not overweight. It wasn’t true at all, but it meant I felt uncomfortable eating my regular dinners in the dining hall and would end up eating the rest in my room. It wasn’t out of control, it was just what I needed to fill the larger than average requirements of an active lifestyle. When I just ate what I needed to in the dining halls (taking it to the haters) it went away. Don’t feel guilty- you’ve learned something from the experience! I know it sucks to go to bed on a really full stomach though :( P.S that recipe looks delicious!
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109 Eryn May 9, 2012 at 9:27 pm

Oh also..I’m not sure its an ED thing to save up when you know you’re going out to eat? We (my family/me/friends) always do it before we go out for dinner…and of course we fill up past normal, but thats kind of the fun of it (especially at buffets) :) Gotta get the monies worth :p
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110 tessa8m May 10, 2012 at 8:55 pm

This is an interesting perspective and you are right.. maybe I just need more! But I can’t seem to have the nerve to completely test that theory out

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111 Megan @ Weddings and Workouts May 9, 2012 at 9:19 pm

What a great post – honest and heartfelt. I’m struggling a bit at the moment with trying not to binge. I know it’s not the same as all you have been through, but, wow, it’s really messing with my head! I hate it!

I’m definitely guilty of restricting my food during the day to compensate for what I”ll be eating/drinking later on, only I’ve learned that it doesn’t really work for me. I’ve also done the opposite when I’ve eaten too much, and then spend the next day or so eating the bare minimum. That doesn’t work either!
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112 tessa8m May 10, 2012 at 8:53 pm

Gosh I am sorry you are struggling with this a bit right now too… no one ever deserves this! We know the changes that need to be made in order to counteract such tendencies

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113 Chelsea @ Chelsea Runs May 9, 2012 at 10:32 pm

Sometimes I unintentionally undereat during the day, and have a similar “out of control” feeling later.. Unfortunately for me, I don’t keep a lot of food in my room, so that means consuming a shitton of nut butter. I try to remind myself, “Just have a filling snack and you’ll be fine”, but sometimes I get back and the hunger just hits me like POW. It sucks! I’m trying to fix it, though. I mean, I can’t be perfect, but who is? I’m glad you’re being honest Tessa, because it’s important. I hope we can both fix this little annoying problem :) Happy WIAW!
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114 tessa8m May 10, 2012 at 8:52 pm

Thank you Chelsea.. oh and I turn to nut butter too, I lack food as well in the room

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115 Melissa May 9, 2012 at 10:39 pm

Girl, sometimes you are so inside my head I swear we are the same person!!! I have the same patterns–restricting, overeating, guilt, embarrassment. Ugh. It’s awful, isn’t it? I’ve been trying to listen to my body more, but it’s hard to listen without feeling guilty. Even though I know that when I do that, I’m actually eating a normal amount of food, it’s scary. It feels like too much. And my jeans feel tighter, which is the scariest part of all. Just know you’re not alone. I’m feeling the exact same things. Don’t be embarrassed (even though I get it!) because you are so not the only one! XO
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116 tessa8m May 10, 2012 at 8:49 pm

It really does suck, but I know dwelling on it all does nothing good for us, so just must move on!

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117 Jess May 10, 2012 at 12:50 am

So it seems that 99% of us here have shared this experience with you… MANY times :D <- well, not that it's deserving of a laughing smiley face lol, but ya know what I meant by it.

I too have had this happen sooo many times. More times now that I'm in recovery than when I was truly starving during my worst periods! I still tend to think sometimes I'll be able to get away with eating 200 or 300 calories less… and hey, maybe a few pounds will eventually slip off. Just a few, not a lot. But who am I kidding? And anyway, it does NOT work to try to fool my body like that anymore because while you're busy and out and about throughout the day, making it easier to restrict here and there, when nighttime hits… that's when the HUNGER strikes big time. And I'm one of those people that cannot fall asleep hungry. So I easily fall prey to the "one bite of this, one bite of that" until it eventually turns out that I've eaten half the things in my pantry!

I've realized that when I "binge," it's almost like a calming experience and maybe that's why I prone to do it? It's a time when I tell myself, "Screw ED. I need these calories anyway!" and although yes, that's a healthy mindset, it's not healthy the way I reached it or the cycle in which it comes up. Definitely a lesson that needs to be retaught until it is learned! So frustrating.

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118 tessa8m May 10, 2012 at 8:48 pm

Haha yeah I hear what you are saying Jess, with the smiley and all :) It really always does seem like it’s so much better to just lose those last few pounds… or just a few more and then i will stop… But yep, we both know that is a very vicious cycle, no thanks! I like that way of thinking of a “binge” It really is part of the recovery process and most go through it

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119 Julie May 10, 2012 at 2:05 am

I totally feel you! I always eat lighter when I expect something.

I also fill up on low-cal foods and know them like the back of my hand! :/
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120 tessa8m May 10, 2012 at 8:27 pm

Me too Julie… it’s okay to do, sometimes, but not as a means to not eat anything else!

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121 Maren May 10, 2012 at 2:12 am

all your eats look so tasty! I’m especially envious of your cheetos!!!
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122 Brittany May 10, 2012 at 1:18 pm

When I over eat I swear it takes DAYS for me to feel better. It’s like a snowball and I want to restrict the next few days, but I don’t because I know it’s wrong. This just makes me feel like I am continuing to eat too much. I definitely have fallen guilty to eating lighter earlier on in the day if I know something is going on in the evening.
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123 tessa8m May 10, 2012 at 8:26 pm

We just have to acknowledge stuff like this and realize that we are hindering ourselves more than anything. Then it helps to stop it from continuously happening!

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124 PaigeP May 10, 2012 at 2:23 pm

How many times have I been down this exact same road that you are traveling? Too many!

After I got married, I decided that I wanted to lose a little weight. I started restricting, and went from about 115 pounds down to 88 pounds. I never went to a doctor, but I am sure that I was anorexic at least for a little while. I was so thin, that it actually hurt my tailbone to sit down for any length of time!

One night, my husband and I were standing in line at the grocery store, and I stated that I wish I could just eat like a normal person, and have a big ol’ cheeseburger from McDonald’s. My husband replied that I could stand to eat as many cheeseburgers as I wanted (because I was so tiny, and he knew that I needed to eat). Something about that resonated with me, and I started eating everything that I could get my hands on. That felt good at first, because I was allowing myself to eat again. After about a week, I felt really guilty and miserable, and started trying to restrict again.

After enjoying a week of “free” eating, it was too hard for me to restrict again…and that’s when the binging started…and I did it all in secret. I remember one night on my way home from work, I stopped at a gas station and bought a whole bag full of honey buns, doughnut sticks, and other types of Little Debbie snacks. I ate ALL of it before I got home (about 15 minutes).

This cycle repeated for me OVER and OVER for the next several months. Running is what ultimately saved me. I had never exercised before. When I started running, I found out that I could eat what I love (in moderation) and be a healthy, happy person.

I still have my battles from time to time, but as I have gotten older, I have learned that the best thing to do is take time to think before a binge session…to actually ask myself, “Is this really what you want to do?” Balancing my day with snacks between meals has also helped a lot.

I do know that I overthink every thing that I eat, and I wish that I could get over that. It’s a fine line between being health conscious and being consumed/obsessed with it!

I am a work in progress for sure!

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125 tessa8m May 10, 2012 at 8:25 pm

Paige, thank you so so much for sharing your personal story here. It does sound like you were Anorexic at a point there, but lady, I am in awe that you have worked so hard to get better and had some serious realizations along the way. I like the conversation you had with your husband, it’s understandable that that resonated with you. Running is amazing and yayyy for it helping you out a whole lot :) You are right, it is all about balance and avoiding any and all extremes. We will both continue to get better and make progress :)

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126 Kristen @ Swanky Dietitian May 10, 2012 at 3:57 pm

I agree that restricting is never good and will usually back fire.
Love the mango chobani also!! Love the tropical flavors!!!
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127 tessa8m May 10, 2012 at 8:52 pm

Mmm me too, the pineapple is wonderful too!

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128 Justine@LifeWithCheeseburgers May 10, 2012 at 3:59 pm

Poor Dear…I could relate completely reading your post. There was a time when I would get SO stressed out if I knew I would be going out later. I would restrict during the day, which would make me even more anxious and actually more likely to overeat because I was so hungry and in that restrictive mentality. The best thing is of course always to eat according to your plan and then go do something to get your mind off of it.

Thankfully I’m much better with that these days; I don’t miss out on time with other people like I used to (sad days I had back in college)!

I’m glad you’re talking about things on here; it’s a wonderful way to keep yourself accountable as well as encourage others to talk about their issues!
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129 tessa8m May 10, 2012 at 8:19 pm

Exactly Justine, follow a normal routine and plan, that is healthy and that works for you, and then go from there! Thank you for the encouragement lady!

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130 Priscila May 10, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Do you notice that maybe an year ago you would be a thousand times more affected by the binging than today? I’m also going through this Tessa, and reading your post made me realize that maybe one of the important things of binging is learning to take it easy… sure, besides all you explained about the body taking control and demanding food since the mind refuses it!
I try to think that the fact that I sometimes overeat is not the end of the world, doesn’t mean I’m careless. It’s not a big deal. I think it’s really important that we try not to go crazy when we do it, because we’ve been really cruel with ourselves about food, starving ourselves, so we shouldn’t by any means blame ourselves.
Since you shared this, would you take a small advice? I know, who am I, going through the same, but I think that you are not eating enough of real food. Not bars or yogurt (they’re healthy snacks I know), but I mean fresh food that sustains not just raw salads. I mean like rice, beans, pasta…
Well, thanks for your courage!

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131 tessa8m May 10, 2012 at 8:18 pm

This is so true Priscilla and I am glad you reminded me of this, it helps to put things into perspective! I do agree, I eat way too much produce and items like that because they do feel safer to me… so I accept and appreciate your advice and am excited to make changes in the future. It will help so much when I get home from school!

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132 Alex @ Raw Recovery May 10, 2012 at 6:09 pm

I know that gaining weight is a difficult process, especially when you aren’t in a treatment center, but I found the more I focused on the food, the more I wasn’t dealing with the underlying emotions. Whenever I felt embarrassed or ashamed of eating “too much,” I usually could identify something running deeper. We know that eating disorders are not about food and that fear of gaining weight is really about fear of other things (for me it was not being accepted, feeling unlovable, unworthy, worthless, a failure, etc). Even now, almost six months symptom free, I still have days when my body image is crap and it’s because I’m not taking my feelings out on my food. The distortion isn’t constant, but it ebbs and flows. When I let go of the food/weight aspect, that was when my own recovery began.
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133 tessa8m May 10, 2012 at 8:46 pm

This is a very serious road block that continues to be in my way… working on it though, but gosh is it hard sometimes

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134 Anna @ The Guitlless Life May 10, 2012 at 6:34 pm

I know I’m super late commenting on this post but it’s so worthy of a comment! I absolutely 100% agree – as soon as you let yourself have something you don’t want it anymore. I, for example, rarely let myself really indulge, but at my sister’s baby shower I had half a cinnamon roll (I’m not saying this was an indulgence because I know 1/2 of one really isn’t, but I’m sensitive to sugar so for me it was more than I usually can handle!). That afternoon we went to the mall and there was a guy pushing cinnamon roll samples on people and you couldn’t have paid me to take one! Usually I rush to that plate lol. I love just one or two bites of sweet things. But because I’d had one that morning I just didn’t want one at all. It was just a reminder of how different you can react to food when there’s no restriction going on. The other times I rush to the plate – am I really wanting something sweet? Or am I just having it because I feel it’s ‘naughty’ and something I don’t usually allow myself?

Of course it’s all harder when you restrict foods for genuine reasons – ie you’re allergic or intolerant of it. Then it’s not so simple to just say “let yourself have it!”. But finding something else that fulfills that need is super important, rather than just eliminating a whole area of foods from your life!
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135 tessa8m May 10, 2012 at 8:16 pm

You are not late Anna, I really appreciate you taking the time to read my thoughts on all of this, and also sharing yours! What you wrote here does certainly show how different we can react to such situations, depending on our mindset before or what happened earlier! I think giving myself permission to have ALL foods (that I want) can help so much!

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136 teabagginit May 10, 2012 at 7:45 pm

i really do know where you’re coming from. i ricocheted from ed and ran head first into binge eating with chewing/spitting thrown in. that was really hard to admit to my bf/family/blog world but when i did, the shame fell away and i started to feel better. shame is so powerful but so are you!
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137 tessa8m May 10, 2012 at 8:44 pm

Thanks girl, that is great you have improved so much yourself!

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138 lindsay May 10, 2012 at 8:34 pm

you know, sometimes we have to work backwards. think about what we doing in life, how we need to move (not exercise), and eat to live, not live to eat (or think about eating.. how much, when, etc). Agreed? I know, easier SAID than DONE!
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139 laura May 10, 2012 at 9:12 pm

I get trapped in this cycle too often! For some reason I have this idea in my head that I have to ‘save calories’ for dinner. Its ridiculous! I have had plenty of nights where I eat an entire box of cereal. Im ashamed of it. But i know my body needed it after all the restriction and exercise. I’m getting a tad better at balancing my meals with fat and protein instead of just fruits and veggies. Glad you shared your struggles, you are most definitely not alone. And we Will overcome this :)
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140 Ashley @ Rhythm Of My Mind May 12, 2012 at 4:40 pm

Thank you for posting this! I just love you post. This exact thing happened to me yesterday! I hate it. It makes me so sad. I am working on it and realizing if I just eat during the day it won’t happen but it’s like that voice in my head says do not eat. Never feel ashamed to post something because we are all a community hear and many (like myself) are going through the same issues. Stay strong and you have it in you to beat this! P.s. I know today was your graduatin so congrats. :)
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141 Laura @ LauraLivesLife May 12, 2012 at 11:03 pm

Ive learned the hard way how bad it is to restrict during the day – I always end up more then making up for it at night AND I’m ornery all day because I’m hungry! It’s a hard thing for me to remember – but I have to if I want to lead a semi-normal life.
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142 Brittany @ Itty Bits of Balance May 14, 2012 at 2:03 pm

I’m just catching up on your posts now– Congratulations on graduating!! (wrong post, I know, but just bear with me :D )

I know 100% where you’re coming from with this post! As I’ve tried to eat more “real” food recently, I’ve noticed my desire for food has gone wayyyy down. I mean, the fact that chocolate covered pretzels remain on my shelf is a miracle haha! Not saying that I’m perfect at all– but the desire has just lessened.

Remember, slow and steady!
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143 tessa8m May 14, 2012 at 7:58 pm

Aww thank you for your thoughts here as always Brittany and hearing how much your healthy choices have helped you feel better in countless ways is inspirational! Slow and steady indeed

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144 tessa8m May 9, 2012 at 12:20 pm

Yep good point, because honestly yes that can happen around these parts

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