Happy Friday everyone!
Thank you for all of your well-wishes and good lucks for my interview! It was a success but that is all I am going to say about it for now…I know that is obnoxious and vague, but I want to commit more time to explaining what the interview was about and my plans for well… the future! All good stuff though
Oh and it was certainly entertaining hearing about childhood candy favorites- ring pops, baby bottle pops, nerds rope- all ones I indulged in on a regular basis. Seriously no wonder I have so many dang cavities now!
The positive and feeling now that I am home is in full-force and I am certainly not complaining. I do just feel more…. hopeful about everything- school was okay, mainly a negative experience overall though, now it’s behind me and it’s time to move on. As I talked about on Wednesday, it was really easy to embrace the promises of the eating disorder while at school, especially those last few weeks when I was honestly wallowing in self-pity, feeling bad for myself but not making much of an effort to do anything about it.
It felt ‘good’ in a sick way to cause destruction to myself via restrictive habits, because that is what I deserved and more importantly, it was all that I had to offer at the time and be successful at. Of course all attempts at bringing back my old ways backfired as I have come much too far in this recovery process to give in that easily. As a result, I stuffed my face and then felt like crap about it.
Alright so none of that anymore, please and thank you, and I am now MOVING ON- so far so good And let me tell you, it feels really nice to be able to say something like that. Yep I am repeating myself a bit here from the other day, but reiterating these promises to myself are necessary and motivation, and continue to give my disordered brain the kick in the pants it needs quite often!
Friday is the day that I like to talk about a bunch of various/random thoughts, events, actions, and so on that I feel are worth bringing attention to! Today is no different and I have a smorgasbord of stuff to tell y’all about… oh and I am aware that word doesn’t make much sense here, but I like how it sounds. Hoookay, let’s get to it!
1) I am sure you have already on the several other blogs who posted about this, but on Wednesday night I met up with some wonderful ladies for an ice cream date!
Tracy, Amy, Sarah, Sara, and Lindsay! I was already familiar with Sarahs, Lindsay and Sara’s blog before the meet up, but Tracy and Amy were newbies for me… now they are officially on my to-read blog list I had such a lovely time, being with women that I could (eventually) be comfortable around and not have to worry about being judged or viewed negatively, something I have become increasingly aware of since the disorder really took over.
I will admit, initially it was awkward (Lindsay and Sara described the feelings quite well), because you know so much about these people via their blog, but then what do you actually say to them in person!? After a bit though, it was completely fine and natural Plus what I ordered from the J.P.Licks was the cherry on top of the night… yeah I went there!
Hmm this picture make it hard to really see the deliciousness this treat was… I went with Oatmeal cookie frozen yogurt (Lindsay, I am glad you loved it as much as I do!), Peanut Butter soft serve on top, with oreos and chocolate sprinkles… oh and a cone too I always want the cone, but never get ice cream actually in it because then I have the issue of having to eat the ice cream quite fast before it melts everywhere #firstworldproblems.
Oh and you had better believe I brought some back with me,
A pint of half Oatmeal Cookie and half Chocolate Chip cookie frozen yogurt for my personal consumption. I know what is for dessert tonight! Oh and last night… and tomorrow too. I am not joking about having this every night... it just feel okay and ‘allowed’ in a weird way to consume this treat for several days in a row. Plus it tastes like rainbows and magic and I want it! Done and done.
Again, so nice to meet you all, and I can’t wait for the next time, which will be happening
2) Earlier this week, a reader named Annie sent me a link to an article on Yahoo News, which I actually ended up seeing myself later on that day, and it brought up some frustrated and ragey thoughts for both of us.
Basically it was a short article explaining how Shawn Johnson, the 4’11″ gymnastic gold medalist from 2008, put on some weight from a series of injuries, her Dancing With The Stars bit, and other various life circumstances, but then lost about 25 pounds (all of the gain and then some) because of hurtful comments, and society demands from the people and the media.
Even when she was at the top of the gymnastics world, Johnson battled weight issues. “I was at the Olympic Games winning medals and I still doubted my image,” she said. “I doubted what I looked like. That’s sad. Girls should be taught different than that. I think everyone should be taught different than that.”
I suppose there is not much more to add to Shawn’s explanation of why she lost so much weight, other than like… feckkkkk. I know, such an intelligent response but in all seriousness, this girl has a whole lot to be proud of, I mean she’s an gold medalist for crying out loud! Yet, the media is focusing on what her body looks like, how much weight she has gained, which in turn lead her to feel take (most likely) drastic measures in order to lose weight and be “accepted” once again.
To me (and to Anne as well) this gives me even more reason to continuously make a strong effort to NOT ever listen to what the media says. No matter what, we will never be good, thin, and beautiful enough… according to whoever or whatever decided this. This article and the ideas behind it provide me with an increased sense of motivation to do my best to ignore society “standards” and to do what works for ME, or else I will continue to live a life plagued by the fear of never being an even adequate human being.
Let’s move on for now….
3) Yesterday I had my Nursing School orientation and have my schedule all set for the semester! Because I have already taken a bunch of perquisite courses, my first semester really is not that bad, busy yes, but all classes that pertain to nursing… finally! I know the next two years are not going to be a walk in the park, but I am confident in my abilities to take on the course work and any other demands and requirements that are thrown my way.
However, allow me to vent for a second.
Now I do understand that nursing is HARD WORK, but I swear, if one more person that has already been through it tells me “Congrats, but man oh man, I am SO GLAD I am not you right now and having to go through school!” upon me telling them I am starting in the fall, well then I am going to do something rash! I really just don’t understand why people respond like this, raining on other people’s parades whenever possible, it happens all of the time.
Sorry vent over.
4) After the orientation, I was near the mall and decided to stop in, have a poke around and treat myself if anything caught my attention.
I really don’t like shopping for clothes unless I am with my mom, as I usually become unmotivated to do so as soon as I set my foot in the door. My less than stellar attitude is always stemming from a number of reasons- the ever-persistent feeling of “fatness” being the main one…. but today was odd, I felt inspired, so I went with it and scored a few cute items!
Two tanktops and shorts from American Eagle. Although I am 22 years old, you sure as heck better believe I still shop in American Eagle… yes some of their stuff screams TWEEN to me, but a lot of it is great, and usually on sale! Hence the items I bought today, on sale for 40% off, WIN. The orange tank on the left is a bit different- the back is more open and lacy, plus I love the color.
I didn’t purchase these shoes today (got them a few weeks ago in Northampton) but never showed them here,
My first pair of Toms! I have been eying the canvas version of these for awhile now, and while I initially wanted the coral ones I remember seeing on Pinterest recently, the white really stole the show for me. I could not be more pleased with the choice- so comfortable, summery and they go with everything! When I find a pair of shoes i genuinely love, well a holiday ought to occur. I have ermm… huge feet, so finding shoes can be a challenge.
This process has gotten much better from when I was little- there seems to be larger sizes available, plus I am not embarrassed at my size ELEVEN foot anymore! I mean I am pretty dang tall (5’11″) and tiny feet are just never going to happen. When I used to go into store though, I would have my mom tell the assistant the size because I was so ashamed. Gosh, so many body-image issues, even my poor feet were not spared!
4) You know what else I realized I just love to do when I have time to?
Go into a Yankee Candle store and sniff every.single.item… well that is until I get a raging headache haha. Let me tell you though, before the headache sets in, there are just countless delicious, fruity, fresh smells to test! A few times I was asked by the people working there if I needed help finding anything, nope, just hear to smell.
Ahhh pure bliss My all-time favorites include-
- Pretty much ANY of the ‘fresh’ scents: Clean Cotton, Fluffy Towels, anything beach/spa related… I mean who doesn’t like the oh-so-lovely smell of just washed and dried laundry? Well if you don’t I deem you a bit weird
- Honeydew melon, Pineapple Cilantro, Sparkling Lime, and Mango Blossom for the fruits
- Lavender Vanilla, Willow Breeze, and Eucalyptus for the flowers
I am sure there are a crap-ton of others I love too, but those are the first that come to mind. Oh and of course there are the food ones- Buttercream, Pumpkin Pie, Carrot Cake, Dark Chocolate- amazing as well, but I could never have them burning in my house. I would constantly want to 1) eat whatever food it smelled like and 2) tempted to eat the candle. Hrmm no to both
5) Since being home, I have cooked/baked something everyday… gosh it’s good to be back with my own supplies and ingredients! I also am challenging myself to use up more of the ingredients in the pantry before buying more. Therefore when I found a few blocks of white chocolate that needed to be used, a blondie-ish recipe was born!
White Chocolate Brownies
- 1/3 cup unsalted butter, cut into pieces (about 5 T, plus a smidgen more!)
- 6 ounces white chocolate, chopped
- 2 eggs
- 1 cup white sugar
- 2 teaspoons vanilla
- 1 cup all purpose flour
- 1/2 teaspoon baking powder
- 1/4 teaspoon salt
- 1/2 cup walnut pieces lightly toasted- I used a microwave, added in 1 tsp of butter with the walnuts and cooked them for 2 minutes, stirring after 1 minute before finishing the time
- Preheat oven to 350 F.
- Butter and line a 9-inch square baking pan with parchment.
- Over a pot of simmering water, melt butter halfway. Add white chocolate and stir until melted. Allow to cool to room temperature.
- In a mixer fitted with the whisk attachment (or with an electric mixer), whip eggs, sugar and vanilla until pale and thick. Reduce speed to medium and add chocolate mixture.
- In a separate bowl, sift together flour, baking powder and salt and stir into egg mixture, by hand. Stir in dried cranberries and walnuts and spoon into prepared pan.
- Bake 45 minutes.
Yes I tried one (and batter too) and YES they were tasty! The toasting of the walnuts really helped to bring the flavor or the nut out which blended nicely with the white chocolate flavor. Even though I am a fan of white chocolate, my mom is not, and she even loved these! Give them a try, I am sure they will be a hit.
6) This particular “thing” for Friday is a bit hard for me to explain, so bear with me.
Basically when the disordered eating business got worse and worse, so did my self/body image… basically it plummeted. If I thought I was self-conscious before the illness really took hold, well it was nothing compared to what is was, and unfortunately continues to be.
As a result, I felt/feel (not as much at least) uncomfortable taking pictures, so when I do, I make every effort to look my very “best” in them- only smiling, hair perfect, the right angle, and correct pose to avoid looking “fat.” I was looking at my Facebook photos the other day and a majority of them are me make every effort to look perfect, whatever the hell that means, I am smiling, back straight, trying to be at the ‘skinny’ angle in all of them.
BORING. I used to take fun and goofy photos because I really didn’t give a crap what they looked like! I was having a good time and that was all that mattered…. I would love to get back to that point one day, or at least a bit more care-free would be nice. I am beginning with this lovely image of my brother and me from last weekend
Hahahaaha I love this, and more of this sort of stuff needs to come back into my life… that whole “fun” and happiness thing, it’s been MIA for just too long now.
And that is the image I am finishing this post with hehe.
I have some great stuff to look forward to and all of it involves being with and reconnecting with friends from high school… I am embracing this chance to socialize with open arms because I know deep down it’s what I both want and need. It promises to be a pleasant weekend over all, so bring it on!
-What sort of reaction do you have to the Shawn Johnson article? I feel anger of course and just like… disappoint as well, disappointment on what the reality in our society is.
-When you take a picture, do you try to look ‘perfect’ in it, or are some of yours goofy/doofy looking? Do you feel self-conscious with photos?
-Name one thing you feel the need to VENT about today! Let it out man, feels so great.
-Do you have a favorite Yankee Candle scent? My all time favorite is and will always be Clean Cotton, I just can’t get over the fresh laundry smell.
-Where do you mainly shop for clothes? Are you a fan of clothes shopping?
-Share your plans for the weekend, I would love read about them!
As always, I wish you all a most delightful next few days See ya soon!