WIAW- Were You Watching Me?

by tessa8m on August 22, 2012

in What I Ate Wednesday

Happy Halfway through the week everyone!

As I am typing this, I’m realizing that Nursing school starts in exactly 2 weeks on September 5th, ahhhh! Everyone keeps asking me if I am excited and in a way I certainly am, as I’m finally on the right path toward the career I desire. However, it is still school- tests, studying, homework… that whole learning thing has to happen and effort is a necessity. I know as the date gets closer, my enthusiasm for nursing will increase, I am just still in summer mode!

Since we are indeed in the middle of the week, it is What I Ate Wednesday time, courtesy of Jenn blogging over at Peas and Crayons! Thank you as always for putting this together m’dear!

 

While I am sure most of you are beyond sick of hearing about the Healthy Living Summit, allow me to just have one more post on it… but with a twist of course! I actually started this WIAW post on Sunday night when I was writing the “recap” of the HLS set for Monday. It focuses on the food aspect of the weekend, and while it did go along with my words from the other day, that post was getting too darn long. Therefore I decided to cut it out and save it for Wednesday, and here we are!

For today’s WIAW post, I am going to show you the main/noteworthy items I ate throughout the weekend, with random slews of thoughts thrown in there for good measure. What I ate in between wasn’t too interesting- nuts, granola/energy bars, samples from the summit.

I am quite blunt with my process in this recovery and of course FOOD and eating is a major aspect of this. Normally when I travel I bring absurd amounts of “safe” and just in case snacks, because I am terrified of not having any options I deem too fatty/unhealthy/whatever to eat though. For the Summit though, while I did bring a few items, what options were going to be available did not worry me, as I figured there would be plenty of healthy options…. it’s a HLB sponsored event for goodness sake.

Small plate from the first night at the cocktail party- goat cheese (dear god good) more vegetables, crackers and goat (my absolute favorite) consumed up the wazoo.

There were indeed plenty of nutritious and fresh options, something I am sure all of you have read on one blog or another. What did worry me though, was the actual eating in front of other people.

As I reflect on the several negative thoughts and worries I had before the weekend (and at parts of the event as well) I realize how truly selfish these were. They were all about ME, what other people would think of me, how they might see/judge/make conclusions about ME… me me me. This is a common theme for people with eating issues and anyone insecure in general, you always feel that others are judging and despising you, and that you are not worthy of being around.

This time around, it came out with the food aspect of the weekend.

Of course not everyone there knew who I was and have therefore not read my blog. But those who had and continue to, I was nervous about what they would think of what I chose to eat, how much, how often… would I go back for seconds, perhaps try and restrict, or the other side of this… would they think I was eating too much? Then my own worries- what if I eat more than other people and I act like a glutton?

The sadistic voice of the eating disorder is a continuous presence in my head and again, eating and food is a major part of this. I have all of these fears around what people think of ME and everything I am doing because I am personally doing the exact same thing to them- not ever judging, but watching what they are doing/eating, what they look like… always comparing and then evaluating my own actions, looks, and choices.

Breakfast on the first day (plus more grapes x a billion or so)… I also had one of those delicious yogurt parfaits which has been popping up all over… and a cup of Tazo tea. The coffee at the summit was just NOT good and I am by no means a coffee snob (Dunks is my jam) but yeah, it was pretty awful.

I will admit this to you all now, I did not eat as much or as different choices as I wanted to. The ever-present fear of gaining weight was there (blah blah blah I know), but at the same time, I was worried in some weird way of not appearing as though I am still “sick.” I am not entirely sure if I am explaining this correctly… I battle disordered eating thoughts on a constant basis and a part of me still wants people to know this. It’s something I have talked about before- physically I look fine, I act as if everything is fine and dandy, yet there are days I am dying inside.

One major conclusion I can make from this weekend is I really need to get a reality check and STOP giving a hoot what other people think of me and my choices.

With the food, I did stick to healthier and safer choices, I did “restrict” in a way because I did not have what I truly wanted and in the amounts as well. I was burdened by the battle in my head of wanting more, yet depriving myself and then those food thoughts bombarding my brain, making it difficult to appreciate and enjoy where I was. The sick pleasure of eating LESS than others at meals was a fleeting feeling I experienced, yet I was able to recognize ALL of this.

Lunch on Saturday- salad, tomato/avocado thing (flippen delicious) chicken, a small piece of naan and soup on the side.

Like I said though, this happened at meals, not throughout the day. It was a combination of the certain degree of lingering food fears and worrying about what other people thought of what “Amazing Asset” was eating. I know… dumb. When the though of “everyone is watching me” is overwhelming, it’s because that is what YOU (the universal you) are doing. What I mean is, I watch other people- what they choose to eat, how much and such- I do not judge, but I do observe and as a result, I always think people are doing the same thing right back at me.

All of this also does go along with what I brought up on Monday… alarmingly thin ladies and all of that. When you have your own food issues (ones I have proclaimed ohhh once or twice on my blog ;) ), it’s quite a challenge to eat in front of others who are consuming very little, only salad/greens, or simply nothing at all.

Ricotta, pudding, parfait dessert thing… it was odd, not sure if I liked it too much, but felt compelled to taste it.

This is where the never ever comparing thing comes in… it’s essential especially in a situation like this. I will admit to having thoughts of, “how can they eat next to nothing and seem totally fine/in a good mood? Aren’t they hungry?!” And sadly, “gosh, I wish I still had that willpower.” I realize how ridiculous this and that most of that is the ED voice verses my logical/recovering one. It goes along with what I wrote about on Monday, I still have a sense of envy, but then I remember what life was like in the “dark ages.”

Most importantly, I once again have no right to make conclusions about what is going on with them, why they are not eating (maybe they ate earlier or whatevaaa)… although when they are sticks sitting behind an empty plate, red flags go up….

Trying to be artsy… fail haha. Sushi from our sushi night out on Saturday! Followed by Berryline frozen yogurt- original with blueberries and chocolate sprinkles ( a necessity)… nothing too special but I was honestly not hungry after sushi. That was the one of the rare times that weekend where I felt truly satisfied.

I sure as heck didn’t NOT eat or anything like that (and am proud of when I did branch out), but I kept feeling like I had to make excuses up in order to grab more than other people… that I had to justify my intake. I was perpetually hungry this weekend for whatever reason, and I can’t even tell you the number of times I said, ” gahh I am just so hungry today!” when I consumed something I felt was more out of the ordinary, or in a larger amount than others.

I know it seems like I step forwards and backwards with the food aspect of recovery… because well, it’s true, I do. Dealing with (most likely) needing to gain more weight is VERY difficult for me right now and then when I feel a fake and selfish pressure to appear a certain way, it’s a bad combination. I understand now that even if someone was watching me and my food, who gives a hoot ultimately it comes down to what is right for ME.

Yesterday’s breakfast- a pound or so of fruit, steel cut oatmeal with milk and the hotel’s homemade granola added in.

Eating in front of other people is not the crazy concern it used to be, yet it still does bother me (at least a tad). I hold onto being the “healthy one” and in this situation, I am a blogger with eating issues that I blatantly lay out here on a weekly basis. I was worried about what people would think when I ate and what conclusions they would make… a part of me still needs everyone to know I am not all better yet… I don’t know why exactly, but it really is true.

Again though, focusing on my needs, my goals, and my actions.. never comparing, judging, and all of that.. is the path to progression. This weekend did pose some , but I would say overall even with slight derailments, I was able to understand my place in this process and also what I still face.

-Do you ever have trouble eating in front of others.. or have you at one point in your life? If so, what were your reasons behind this?

-What is your best advice for getting through a challenging or tempting circumstance that you know is not the greatest/bad for you? Focusing on my short term and long term goals, as simple as that sounds, works wonders for me.

-Do you often feel as everyone is watching YOU and your actions? Is this reality, or is the worry coming from some irrational thinking? Or perhaps it has to do with you putting your own actions onto someone else…

-When there is a breakfast buffet, what do you tend to go for first? I always get fruit first if it’s fresh. This is NOT an ED thing either, I love fruit and when it’s unlimited, I tend to go bat-sh*t crazy for it.

-Tell me the best thing you have eaten, baked, cooked, bought in the past week! From the HLS, my favorite food was the goat cheese they served at every meal… cheese= former fear food, and goodness am I glad I discovered my love for goat cheese.

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{ 106 comments… read them below or add one }

1 Lauren (@poweredbypb) August 22, 2012 at 6:30 am

This post totally resonated with me. I have major issues eating in front of others. I don’t even know why or when this started, but I remember in University I didn’t want to eat lunch in front of other people so would just have a juice (ridiculous). I still struggle with that need to be seen to be eating less than others, so sometimes if I am out with friends I will stop eating before I want to, just to be seen to be eating less than everyone else. I’m really going to have to work on that. I feel like I am totally too aware of what other people think, and I think you did a great job in this post and at the HLS of trying to combat your own feelings surrounding that, like you said we shouldn’t really care what others think. I am always reminded of a time when my boyfriend made me stand in line and hold his popcorn at the cinema when he went off to get something, and I totally freaked out, like I couldn’t be seen to be holding it, and fearing other peoples judgement, which is actually really sad.

Totally with you on hitting up the fruit at the breakfast buffet! So good, fruit is my absolute favourite thing in the world!

Hmm best thing would be banana buckwheat pancakes that I made after my long run on Sunday, so delicious, the best post run fuel!
Lauren (@poweredbypb) recently posted..London 2012

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2 tessa8m August 22, 2012 at 4:59 pm

The not wanting to eat in front of others got really bad when I was at college too… it’s what really led to my isolation, among many other things as well. I need to work on it too Lauren, especially now out with others, we just must pay attention and focus on our own needs! Thank you for your input here, and those banana buckwheat pancakes sound like a win to me :)

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3 Laura @ LauraLivesLife August 22, 2012 at 7:02 am

I always feel like I have to justify what I’m eating, whether it is too little or too much – and, I often feel better when I’m indulging if someone else will indulge with me! It’s obnoxious and a sign that I’m still eating because of non-hunger cues, which I’ve got to figure out how to stop! I think that’s why I rarely over-indulge when I’m with others – I’m that hyper-aware of what I think others are thinking. I’m working towards listening to what my body really wants, but it’s hard when there so many other cues I’m used to listening too instead.
Laura @ LauraLivesLife recently posted..Virginia Recap 2: WIAW-style

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4 tessa8m August 22, 2012 at 5:00 pm

Yep I feel the same and I refuse to be the “glutton” of the group who eats more! However, sometimes I do need more food and that is the reality… those are the times I need to focus on myself.

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5 danielle@Clean Food Creative Fitness August 22, 2012 at 7:14 am

Love you girl! One of the things that always makes me question my sanity is that feeling of hating eating in front of others! It is one of the things that still lingers from my eating disorder and I know it has absolutely nothing to do with other people but is all in my head! I applaud you for getting through the weekend and food situations so gracefully! I think you did a great job yet again pushing that ED aside and working through it! BTW I had no idea you were starting nursing school! That is so exciting! Where will you be going??
danielle@Clean Food Creative Fitness recently posted..What I ate Wednesday

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6 tessa8m August 22, 2012 at 5:01 pm

Thank you Danielle, sounds like both of us were challenged at times! You and I are both aware of it though, and that is key! I am going to North Shore Community College in Danvers! It’s a 2-year accelerated program, tough but I am psyched!

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7 Alexandra August 22, 2012 at 7:16 am

That sushi looks fabulous, as does the froyo and all that fresh watermelon! Can you believe I haven’t had any watermelon all summer yet?!?! This must change haha :D
I TOTALLY can relate to everything you said in this post my friend: bringing safe foods on trips, thinking everyone is watching/judging you about how much you eat, etc. Since my past experiences in high school with “watching” and “dissecting” everything I ate was what kind of triggered my ED in the first place, I’m still pretty hesitant to be myself around others when it comes to food. I’m always scared people are thinking I’m either eating too much or too little and it can be super stressful. I loved what you had to say about just realizing it’s irrational thinking though– I need to realize people don’t give a crap about every little thing I eat. Gotta learn to just LIVE and focus on long term and short term goals, like you said :)
Hope you have a great rest of your break before nursing school begins! I’m so excited for the adventures coming up in your life!!!! :D

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8 tessa8m August 22, 2012 at 5:03 pm

This must change for sure, I had so many pieces of it, I couldn’t stop! That does make sense why you are hesitant, it’s certainly hard to shake memories like that! So glad we are both realizing this, and we should both try not to let our past issues creep in :)

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9 Brittany August 22, 2012 at 7:18 am

I’ve probably told you this enough times but I love your honesty!!!! I always feel uncomfortable when I eat more than others. But it’s good to remind myself that other people’s nutritional needs do not match my own! And I always grab fruit first at a buffet too! Nothing beats fresh fruit :)
Brittany recently posted..P28 Protein Bread Review

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10 tessa8m August 22, 2012 at 5:03 pm

Mhmm, nothing does beat it, and again it’s not an ED thing, just a delicious thing ;)

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11 Bec August 22, 2012 at 7:23 am

Your food from the weekend looks great. I know you said you had some issues, and I can’t judge from a few pictures, but it looks like your weekend was great :) and the food you ate looks like plenty :) its so great seeing someone so honest out here haha. I always have trouble eating in front of people!! It’s so weird haha. As for breakfast buffets, I totally go for the cereal. It’s always stuff I never have to eat! And the bread – oh the bread haha. Hope your week is going well x
Bec recently posted..WIAW – a regular old Sunday

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12 tessa8m August 22, 2012 at 5:04 pm

Bread and cereal are good choices Bec, those are what I went with when I was younger! And make your own waffles too

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13 Samantha F August 22, 2012 at 7:24 am

This is a hard post to read. I appreciate your honesty about the weekend. But, when I see the pictures of your food above (like the raw fish and fruit), I cringe! It’s just sad that you felt as though you couldn’t truly enjoy the food and felt the need to restrict. I’ve been suffering from both anorexia and bulimia for a number of years, and the one thing that I’ve learned through treatment is that everything is okay in moderation. Events such as the HLS do not appear to promote this…instead they seem as though they promote some form of disordered eating…
With that being said, I could never have the balls to attend an event such as HLS, I think it’s wonderful that you put yourself into a situation completely outside of your comfort zone. And, again, I really appreciate your honesty from the weekend. I KNOW your feelings were shared by the majority of the girls there, yet you are one of the few to actually verbalized (well, blog) these feelings.
EDs are awful…I wish I had a magic wand to make it go away.
Continue pushing forward and being honest.

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14 tessa8m August 22, 2012 at 5:07 pm

Hi Samantha, thank YOU for your honest input and I genuinely appreciate you writing to me and expressing your thoughts. You know what? It really is sad that I can’t truly enjoy myself… it’s what has continued to suck the fun out of my life and I try and try to shake it and while an immense amount of progress has been made, I hold on to the illness. I am sorry you have been suffering too, goodness it’s just awful and I am sure you can understand what I am saying here. It’s situations like this that allow me to see that again while I have made progress, I still have a lot to go! I promise to continue being honest and pushing forward… also acknowledging my downfalls is a necessity, and I appreciate you telling me as well

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15 Samantha F August 22, 2012 at 5:21 pm

I probably didn’t say it right, but what I meant to say was that it’s sad that HLS made you feel as though you were being judged and that you had to restrict, when it should promote the exact opposite. And the ED feelings are not a downfall; they are a nature of the beast. You did nothing wrong this weekend!

16 tessa8m August 22, 2012 at 9:18 pm

Oh no no not at all, I was not offended and I didn’t think you were being cruel :)

17 tessa8m August 22, 2012 at 8:18 pm

Ooo okay I get what you are saying now :) Yes it is sad for sure, and I know my own thoughts really worsened the situation… such a common thing huh?

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18 Samantha F August 22, 2012 at 8:59 pm

Yes, sorry if you felt as though I was attacking you in my first comment. I didn’t mean for it to come across that way. Just keep fighting and remember that it’s ok not to win every battle. And keep challenging these ED thoughts, slowly it’ll get easier to not listen to them.

19 Amy Lauren August 22, 2012 at 7:29 am

I’ve definitely had trouble eating in front of others- especially things like with my job. Occasionally I’ve had to eat lunch with clients and that’s always sorta nerve-racking. Especially because when I order food, I have all these special requests and I’m sorta scared they will think “Look at that skinny girl getting everyone left off of her dinner!” etc, or are watching me. Even around people I’m comfortable around, I have weird tendencies- like Sunday, Clay was reaching over my plate to taste my food at a restaurant and it was getting on my nerves that his hand was around my plate when I was trying to eat. Maybe I’m just OCD though, I don’t know. I guess there’s also a thing about recovering, you want to enjoy your food and savor it, etc, and sometimes you feel like you can’t do that around other people?

Anyway, that froyo looks delish! It looks like the food at the conference was tasty even though the coffee wasn’t. As far as breakfast buffets go, I tend to stay away from buffets unless it’s at a cruise ship, but then I usually go for the fruit too. And those make-your-own-waffles in hotels are awesome too!
Amy Lauren recently posted..Weekend Recap: Bursts of Confidence, Comfort Food, and Charleston Cooking

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20 tessa8m August 22, 2012 at 5:09 pm

Yes you articulated what goes on in my head and many others I am sure… we put eating on a pedestal, this remarkable, scary, but great thing that must be savored. We want the meal times to be perfect, otherwise it’s a waste. I know I still need to work on getting away from this type of thinking.
Oh and how could I forget make your own waffles, I ALWAYS had those when I was a kid! With whip cream and extra syrup and butter of course :)

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21 Katie @ Peace Love & Oats August 22, 2012 at 7:30 am

I had the same issue all weekend – I never really ate quiiite as much as I would have and had to keep reminding myself that I NEEDED to eat more, that these other girls HAD to be hungry with how little they were eating and that I needed to take care of myself! And I could tell at that last breakfast that it was getting to you, lol I was “watching” you (not judging) and noticed you ate a butt load of fruit but barely touched your oats. I had a feeling the weekend was getting to you and you were ready to go home and tired of eating in front of everyone! I also like that you make it clear in this post that even when you did eat enough, you still had ED thoughts – I definitely do that too, it’s a constant mental battle! Especially now that I’m home I realized those who ate less really affected me and I’ve had to really focus on eating enough.
Katie @ Peace Love & Oats recently posted..WIAW–Week Off!!!

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22 tessa8m August 22, 2012 at 8:21 pm

Okay this is annoying, I wrote a rather lengthy response to you and for some dumb-butt reason it didn’t post here! Curses.
I will try to remember what I wrote before… Katie how dare you judge me?!? Jokes of course ;) You’re right though, that last morning was getting to me and there were people around me not eating and I was just like, damnit this is annoying. That is the perfect situation where I really need to MYOB and focus on my own needs, but it was hard by that point.. as I know you understand. This post was actually inspired a bit by what we talked about the other day! It was tough at times but I am so glad I was able to talk to you about it

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23 Sara @my less serious life August 22, 2012 at 7:47 am

hi darling tessa! i am with you – the fresh fruit always appeals to me on a breakfast buffet. i don’t get it nearly enough at home – gotta load up while it is available!

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24 tessa8m August 22, 2012 at 8:25 pm

That’s exactly what I am sayin Sara!

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25 Natasha August 22, 2012 at 7:59 am

Wonderful post Tessa. I certainly understand how you would have so many anxieties going to the HLS about food. All of the people attending, well most, have probably come across your blog and know your reservations about eating too much, eating unhealthy foods, etc. So it doesn’t come as a surprise that you would feel as if they were judging you. And maybe some people were, you don’t know that for sure, because most bloggers have had major food issues themselves and the exact same thoughts were probably swirling through their heads. I don’t think that is a good example of a good place to test your food anxieties because it is a weekend dedicated to having a balanced, healthy lifestyle, which does include, to some extent, food restriction. I mean no matter which way you swing it, even if you do have a more “balanced” approach, being healthy does mean avoiding certain foods and not over consuming food. If I were in your position, I would want to feel as if I was in more control of my food choices and show how I can make extremely healthy choices regarding food. If I were going on vacation with friends or family, it would be different. I wouldn’t have so many reservations about what, when, and how much to eat because it would be a whole different setting.
Also, i find it very interesting that sushi was chosen for dinner. Coming from experience, I know that sushi can usually be a more healthy/low calorie restaurant option…if everyone chose to eat there then EVERYONE is having similar thoughts as you – watching their food intake and trying not to go overboard.
I myself would usually only get sushi if I went out with friends because it was a “safer” meal for me.
You aren’t alone in your thoughts, Tessa, so I wouldn’t worry about people passing judgement on you because 9/10 people have the exact same problems and body image issues (some people are just better at hiding it than others haha).
Again, such a great post girl!
I hope you have a fantastic week xoxoxo

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26 Jess August 22, 2012 at 10:18 am

Natasha makes some very good points. I also gave the whole sashimi for dinner thing a bit of a side-eye because I would bet money on whose idea that was.

The HLS is simultaneously somewhere anyone could be comfortable because they know that their idiosyncracies around food will not only be tolerated, but also largely understood, and horribly self-conscious because on many levels people’s food fears are being triggered left, right and centre. And then it all becomes one big skinny competition relating to who can eat the ‘cleanest’ (read: least). Some of the photos on other blogs throw into sharp relief just how tiny some people are, because they’re compared directly to already skinny friends. I have no idea how anyone can cope with that.

I won’t eat in front of people. I just won’t. Back when I was thin, ironically I would with only a bit of anxiety. Now I just think everyone will be thinking ‘oh, that’s why she’s such a fatso: because she’s a glutton.’ So I eat all of my meals at home even if that means going 8 hours or more without food. Probably doesn’t help my wonky blood sugar levels, that’s for damn sure. But I also can’t stand not fully enjoying my food; other people watching are a distraction from it, and also the anxiety triggers my IBS so badly that I’d probably have to run to the bathroom every five minutes if I ate in public.

xxx

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27 tessa8m August 22, 2012 at 5:32 pm

It was a tough weekend for all of the reasons your expressed here… I have no idea how I could be around that all of the time. Heck I could not, it would fling me back into dangerous ways so easily! I am sorry you struggle with eating in front of people now :( I do hope you are able to improve in this in time, I know it’s still a work in progress for me.. .clearly haha

28 tessa8m August 22, 2012 at 5:16 pm

Good point Natasha, I do not know for sure what people were or were not thinking but in the end, who cares?! Of course it’s must easier to tell yourself you won’t care than actually doing it.. it’s one of the major things I am dealing with in recovery. I am with you on the sushi and while I did not pick it, it’s always been a safe option for me too. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE it, but it’s a low-cal guarantee and it’s not abnormal to only eat a little bit and then be done. I have dragged people to sushi restaurants before for this very reason. Thank you as always for your fantastic input!

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29 Michelle Hunt August 22, 2012 at 8:44 am

My new banana bread! Recipe coming Friday! I used to think everyone was watching me but really no one else cares what you’re eating (apart from maybe your loved ones when your restricting, but thats out of love). Anyone else who is looking or watching has their own problems and that’s why they’re doing so. Fruit, dried and fresh, and granola!!! Also gluten and wheat free breads can be amazing at buffets with new nut butters to try!
Michelle Hunt recently posted..A couple of days late

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30 tessa8m August 22, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Woot! I shall be keeping my eyes open for that recipe Michelle :)

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31 Eating 4 Balance August 22, 2012 at 8:49 am

Such a great post! So glad I clicked on your WIAW!!!

I used to be very self-conscious about what I ate in front of other people. Sometimes I would feel compelled to eat a lot, not at all, etc. I would give excuses like: I just ate a TON so I’m not really hungry right now. Or, I haven’t eat at all today so I’m just so hungry! Most of the time, it was actually the complete opposite, but I disorderly thought that people cared.

I always feel like people are watching what I am doing, judging me, and making assumptions. Again, most people really don’t care, and those who are watching don’t matter.

Breakfast buffet= Fresh fruit for me. Always have, always will.

The best thing that I ate all week was fresh pears!

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32 tessa8m August 22, 2012 at 5:13 pm

Oh yes the excuses, I have been there countless times and I am a bit ashamed to admit that. It’s really made me separate and pull away from people in the past. In the end, we must focus on our own needs!

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33 Devan August 22, 2012 at 8:50 am

I read you blog every day.
I love that you finally felt satisfied after sushi. This never happens to me.. felling satisfied after eating.. Maybe I dont eat enough? Or eat enough in the day prior? Or am not giving my body what it is craving? Or needs? Its SO confusing..
It sounds like you had an amazing time.
Id love to get fro yo with you one of these days!
Haha.But Im in Canada. I will just continue reading ;)

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34 tessa8m August 22, 2012 at 5:17 pm

It’s very nice to hear from you again Devan! You never know, a meet up could occur in the future!

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35 Living, Learning, Eating August 22, 2012 at 9:10 am

The reason you were hungry all weekend was because you didn’t eat much, girl! And of that, a lot of it was fruit and veg – so you were at a deficit! But I do imagine that it could be hard. My thing that I just have to remind myself (for me its with outfits, or with performing) is that people judge us a lot less than we think. Because, frankly? We’re not *all* that important that people are obsessing over what we eat or what we wear, or whether or not we just tripped down the stairs at lecture hall.

Well, okay, they probably notice that last one. But I bet they forget about it minutes later!
Living, Learning, Eating recently posted..WIAW #52

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36 tessa8m August 22, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Mhmm I agree… in reality, it is our own thoughts that are making it seem like everything is about us! Not the case though

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37 Victoria (District Chocoholic) August 22, 2012 at 9:26 am

“I battle disordered eating thoughts on a constant basis and a part of me still wants people to know this. It’s something I have talked about before- physically I look fine, I act as if everything is fine and dandy, yet there are days I am dying inside.”

This is a real thing – physical expression of emotional pain. And it’s so frustrating to suffer internally when nobody knows what is going on.
Victoria (District Chocoholic) recently posted..August 13-19: It’s Almost Here

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38 tessa8m August 22, 2012 at 5:18 pm

Yes, it’s something I continuously struggle with

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39 Kat August 22, 2012 at 9:31 am

First off, all the food here is making me even more jealous that I didnt get to HLS!
Second, I can TOTALLY relate to the food fear/eating in front of others. ESPECIALLY famly, because they are the ones that give me the most crap about the way that I eat, so when I do eat a piece of fried shrimp or order dessert, they look at me like Im an alien.
Kat recently posted..WIAW–Pre-made style

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40 tessa8m August 22, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Gahh well that is a really hard situation, especially coming from family! I am sure they feel they can do this because they are family :( I hope this improves for you in the future!

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41 Kaitlin @4loveofcarrots August 22, 2012 at 9:33 am

a.) I tired that ricotta thing and I am not sure how I feel about it and b.) it is really hard to be around other people who eat next to nothing or have a few bites and declare they are “full.” I can’t help but judge them and myself. I have to remind myself that every one is different, everybody’s body is different and everyone chooses to live different life styles. I try to live with the you only live once motto and not deprive myself since I spent years depriving. Flat out it is just hard being around other ppl that have the self control that I at times lack.
Kaitlin @4loveofcarrots recently posted..Final HLS recap

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42 tessa8m August 22, 2012 at 5:19 pm

That motto is a classic and good one to remember, because it really is the truth!

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43 Khushboo Thadani August 22, 2012 at 9:44 am

Totally agree about going for fresh fruit in the buffet- something about having it cut for you makes it taste so much better! I like to end on a sweet note so usually start off with eggs & end with cereal/fruit/yogurt…even better if fresh granola is an option! I’ve loved reading your recaps – they’re so honest! At one point, I used to feel like I had to eat a bite of dessert or something fried just to shut people up…it was annoying because most of the time, I didn’t eat it purely because I was full or genuinely didn’t want it!
Khushboo Thadani recently posted..Eating healthily on board

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44 tessa8m August 22, 2012 at 5:30 pm

Glad you agree on the breakfast choices… I should try your method though because I tend to fill up on fruit and then not really hungry for much else!

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45 Cait @ Beyond Bananas August 22, 2012 at 9:45 am

Ooh Breakfast Buffets! There was actually an american buffet included in our honeymoon package in Aruba. Generally, I would make oatmeal up in our kitchen and then join Justin for breakfast. However, a couple of mornings, I had egg white omelets. It was a nice addition to the buffet to have someone there cooking!
And fruit.. gotta agree with you on that!
Cait @ Beyond Bananas recently posted..Honeymoon: The Food

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46 tessa8m August 22, 2012 at 5:29 pm

Mmm egg white omelets… that’s great they had that option!

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47 Michelle {lively kitchen} August 22, 2012 at 10:18 am

Sweet Tessa (I can call you that because, technically, I could almost be your mom)….

You are always an inspiration in your frankness, humility and openness. Thank you for being real and raw and helping so many others as they recover.

I’ve never had an ED, but even I feel odd about eating in front of others who know I have a food blog. Like wondering if they are expecting me to get the salad at a restaurant when I really want the nachos. I generally go with what I want, but then wonder if they think I’m portraying myself untruthfully on my blog. Which makes me post a blog post with nachos to keep it real. So – I think the ED + food blog makes eating with people who know about both understandably hard.

You are doing great, one step at a time.
Michelle {lively kitchen} recently posted..What I Ate on the last Tuesday of Summer (WIAW)

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48 tessa8m August 22, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Hi Michelle! Thank you for adding your own thoughts on this.. it’s always interesting for me to hear someone’s opinions on this who do not have or have not had an eating disorder at anytime!

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49 Laura Agar Wilson (@keephealthstyle) August 22, 2012 at 10:28 am

Wow that food looks good! I used to have a real thing about eating in front of people, more than a few times people have said to me ‘are you going to eat all that?’ and I’ve also had comments from family members at the dinner table while I was growing up that didn’t help. Luckily I feel the most happy I’ve ever felt eating in front of people. I have a good appetite and I’m not ashamed of that – if anyone comments I remind them that I work out and need that fuel to keep my curvy booty!

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50 tessa8m August 22, 2012 at 5:25 pm

Thank you for this Laura.. you always give me the motivation I need! So glad it’s better for you than ever, I look forward to that point for myself!

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51 Liz @ Southern Charm August 22, 2012 at 11:33 am

I always feel like I’m being judged. While in therapy, I got over it a bit with the help of my therapist … now I just have to remind myself that people don’t care. It’s really me judging me!

And my best advice for getting through something .. just do it. You will be happy when it’s over. Just get it over with!
Liz @ Southern Charm recently posted..WIAW On Sunday

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52 tessa8m August 22, 2012 at 5:23 pm

It’s something I often talk about with my therapist as well and she does a great job of reminding me how there is so much more to life than caring what others think!

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53 Antonia @ Health Inspirations August 22, 2012 at 11:34 am

Hi Tessa! I was hoping you’d show us some of the HLS eats…everything looks delicious and I have to say yet again that I am jealous of everyone who went!
To answer some of your questions, yes, during my ED I always felt like people were constantly looking at me, checking whether and what I ate. I noticed this in my class when we went out for lunch, etc. But also when we went out or when I was invited to a friends house I felt like all eyes were on me. The funny thing is whenever we had special dinner plans (as in going to a restaurant, having dinner with friends, etc.) I would always eat more than anyone else. Sometimes I ate other people’s leftovers and mostly had more than one dessert. Of course everyone was happy to see me eating but at the same time I think I was just eating waaaay too much to prove to others that I’m normal, which in fact I wasn’t.
Enjoy the rest of the week and THANK YOU for your great posts. I look forward to reading every one of them :)
Antonia @ Health Inspirations recently posted..WIAW: sunday funday

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54 tessa8m August 22, 2012 at 5:33 pm

When we are afraid of what people might think, we make choices based on them! That is what it comes down too and that is simply not healthy in the slightest! Thank you for continuing to read Antonia :)

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55 Cat @sugaraddictanonymous August 22, 2012 at 11:57 am

sometimes I wish those lingering food fears would just give up that hold on my brain. But then, I am not sure I would be me without them. Im sorry you felt that pressure all weekend, but I hope that you were able to relax and enjoy part of your weekend, hopefully the frozen yogurt part ;-)
~Cat
Cat @sugaraddictanonymous recently posted..What I Ate Wednesday

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56 tessa8m August 22, 2012 at 5:22 pm

I definitely relaxed during that time Cat :)

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57 Alex @ therunwithin August 22, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Tessa,
This is the first time I actually read through other comments. I don’t know why but what I saw was a lot of truth in what people said. i think everyone, disordered or not, has trouble eating in front of others. i hate the judgment for whatever reason, having an allergy makes it even worse but with a past of an ED you are asking for it. I know this is such a delusion but it is what my mind tells me. I am glad you pushed yourself a little this weekend, small steps are better than none. I actually saw some pictures from the weekend that would have totally triggered me so I commend you on dealing with that. You were hungry probably because it was less than what you were used to, but that is kind of expected when you are surrounded by healthy eaters and healthy bloggers. Honestly, I bet everyone was in their own head as well.
I think you did a great job and it helped you see where you need some more encouragement. you got this!
Alex @ therunwithin recently posted..The ‘In’ Crowd

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58 tessa8m August 22, 2012 at 8:46 pm

Oh goodness yes, that combination is a tough one for sure. Thank you for your thoughts here too Alex, I always look forward to what you have to say on what I think about with all of this!

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59 Sarah Beth August 22, 2012 at 12:17 pm

I can relate to the people watching you thing. all during college, my teammates watched me and definitely judged me. my sophomore year I tried to clean up my terrible diet that I picked up freshman year and, yes, I probably took it further than I needed to. But I felt that while some teammates were genuinely concerned, I couldn’t help but feel that others were just jealous because I wasn’t living the way they lived anymore. I stopped getting pizza with them at 3 a.m. or going back for seconds in the dining hall. It definitely made it awkward for me to eat around my team.
Sarah Beth recently posted..Look at that Swag!

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60 tessa8m August 22, 2012 at 9:20 pm

Aww that’s really crappy that your teammates judged you and then pulled away from you when you started to change your ways. I know your own habits made you pull away as well, but I feel like true friends would have kept reaching out. That is what happened with my group of friends but then again, there is only so much they can do. A tough situation to figure what the best thing to do is!

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61 Sam @ Better With Sprinkles August 22, 2012 at 12:46 pm

Once again with the fabulous post Tessa. :-)

When in recovery, I think one of the hardest things to do is to eat in front of people. Even when people didn’t realize you had an actual disorder, you become known as the “healthy one” so eating something that doesn’t fit into a perfect box of “healthy foods” feels uncomfortable. Almost as if you’re losing that part of your identity (I know the blog community is super supportive, but I can imagine it must have been hard there – I mean, a lot of people there make a living off of the healthy foods they post about). Although I can pretty much guarantee you were not the only person there feeling awkward or self-conscious about their food intake!

Just have to keep in mind that you are eating for your body and eating to properly fuel your body. Y’know, for the basic ability to live. Those too-skinny girls who clearly have eating issues – they weren’t.

I still have trouble with some aspects of eating in front of others – for example, if I’m out for dinner and I’m the only one who wants dessert, I’ll pass in fear of looking like a glutton or like someone who can’t control themselves. Something I’m still working on!

Oh, breakfast buffets…I try to find eggs (for protein purposes so I won’t be too hungry) and then I find the waffles/pancakes/french toast. Love my sweet breakfast options. :-)

And I’d be so excited over all the goat cheese. I live for that shit. :-D
Sam @ Better With Sprinkles recently posted..ED Talk – Are Memoirs Helpful or Triggering?

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62 tessa8m August 22, 2012 at 9:22 pm

It’s absolutely like losing a part of your identity, that is something I Have discussed before, but I do want to bring it up again sometime. I think it’s a major aspect of all of this. You’re right though, ultimately it comes down to doing what is right for you and your body… what allows you to progress
Oh and I am with ya on the sweet breakfast options, forever and always :)

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63 Ashley @ My Food 'N' Fitness Diaries August 22, 2012 at 12:50 pm

I can totally relate to these feelings! Although they have slowly decreased as time has gone on, I still catch myself wondering if other people are judging what I’m eating (or not eating) and then even worse, me judging what others are eating. It certainly is hard when for so long our brains were constantly consumed by this stuff!

When it comes to breakfast buffets, I’m pretty much in heaven. I LOVE breakfast, so when I get bombarded by a million different breakfast choices, I get overwhelmed. I usually try to start with an omelet/egg dish of some sort because while I do love it, I know it’ll also give me some nutrition so I don’t go entirely for the sweet stuff. Then I usually choose some pancakes, a waffle, or something on the sweeter side. Fruit is always involved too!

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64 tessa8m August 22, 2012 at 9:24 pm

Yes exactly, when we are hyper focused on this, it’s difficult to not worry about what others think! Mmm waffles, I used to go for those when I was younger.. the big fluffy belgium ones!

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65 Bethany @ Accidental Intentions August 22, 2012 at 1:14 pm

Judging by the comments and my personal experience, I think food comparison is something a lot of people struggle with. I know there have certainly been times in my life when I’ve eaten something I didn’t necessarily want to eat (like a salad instead of an “unhealthy” entrée) or haven’t eaten something I do want to eat (like dessert…although let’s be real: it’s got to be preeeeeeeetty bad for me to turn down dessert haha) because of what I thought others would think or because of how other people looked/what they were eating (like there was a girl on one of my student organizations in college who was skinny as a rail and drop dead frickin gorgeous, and when we’d have food at meetings I’d sometimes base what I ate off what she ate). My biggest struggle on this front actually comes with finishing food. I find so often there are people eating around me who don’t finish everything on their plate, when more often than not I need to be restrained to keep from licking my plate clean hahaha (but really). It makes me feel like a glutton, which is TOTALLY RIDICULOUS! Of course I have every right to finish the food I’ve been served! It’s better than throwing it away! But that doesn’t necessarily make things easier. It can be so hard to remember that honestly, most people may observe what I’m eating but they’re not going to go home and do a play-by-play analysis on everything that was on my plate, which is something you even hit on in this post. Keep on keepin’ on, girl. I’m proud of you for recognizing that you still have struggles but continuing to preserve on the not-always-fun-or-easy road to recovery.
Bethany @ Accidental Intentions recently posted..Immobile

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66 tessa8m August 22, 2012 at 9:26 pm

It’s interesting that you brought up the not finishing thing… I struggle with that too, and always feel like I must finish everything! The idea of leaving something is just so foreign to me. Also, thank you for bringing me down to earth on this a bit, you’re right that they don’t go home and really critique what I’m doing. And if they do, well that’s feckeddd up lol

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67 Chelsea @ One Healthy Munchkin August 22, 2012 at 1:38 pm

I’m not really nervous about eating in front of people, but I can definitely relate to feeling like people are watching me and judging what I choose to eat. Also I feel the need to always bring up my nut allergy so that people know why I have to often turn down desserts. I don’t want them to think I’m being restrictive! I guess I shouldn’t really care so much what people think though. :P

I go straight for the fresh fruit at breakfast buffets too! I usually only have apples, bananas and berries at home so I get so excited when there are plates full of melons, pineapple, etc!
Chelsea @ One Healthy Munchkin recently posted..WIAW #52: Back to reality

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68 Eva @ Committed2Nutrition August 22, 2012 at 1:45 pm

I can’t commend you enough for being so open and vulnerable on your blog. You really recognize a lot of things that most aren’t able to be so open and honest about. I can definitely understand what you are saying. Regarding myself, because I have a “HLB”, I can almost guarantee I’d wonder what people would think of my eating or any weird eating habits I may have. Nick already thinks I’m weird because I eat the inside of taco’s and usually not the tortilla, ha ha. And how can we not look at what others are eating and some-what judge? let’s be honest, we are thinking about their food choices and some-what judging. I know I’d be uncomfortable, too, next to a girl who was alarmingly thin and barely eating. I have seen it happen and it was SO HARD for me to bite my tongue! just being honest. the hardest part, too, is I’m thin, but people may think I have issues, and I don’t.. it so goes both ways. anyways, sorry to hijack, but I think almost everyone can relate to this post. I mean you were at a HLS for bloggers who have HLB’s… we post about food NON STOP..how can we NOT COMPARE OR JUDGE?
Eva @ Committed2Nutrition recently posted..First Guest Post – Things That Make Us Smile :)

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69 Nikki August 22, 2012 at 3:34 pm

Ahhh I am so excited to hear how your beginning of nursing school goes! That is so exciting :)
Nikki recently posted..Last WIAW of Summer :(

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70 Laura @ Sprint 2 the Table August 22, 2012 at 3:38 pm

I don’t know if this helps, but when I’m at these thing I never really notice what others are eating. I’m too focused these new-to-me food selections and strategizing my meal accordingly (you know, so I can fit everything on one plate). LOL! :)
Laura @ Sprint 2 the Table recently posted..PrOATein Pancake + WIAW

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71 tessa8m August 22, 2012 at 5:20 pm

Lol your attitude is so much better than mine Laura!

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72 Shannon August 22, 2012 at 4:09 pm

I know where you are coming from Tessa. I always expect others to do the same as I do. Watch and watch and watch. I do (admittedly and shamefully) have a judging personality as well. but the person I judge the most is ME. I also think it hard when you are recovering because you think that everyone is watching every bite you take and will think you are restricting if you don’t finish or pick the salad over the sandwich. It is something I am still working on, but getting better with every day. Just remember you are you and that means that even if people are watching, it shouldn’t change how you want to live.
Shannon recently posted..I Hope to Bust a Myth

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73 tessa8m August 22, 2012 at 5:21 pm

I think I have a similar personality as well… in the end though it is us judging ourselves! So glad we are both understanding this, and it’s especially important when you are in the moment

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74 StoriesAndSweetPotatoes August 22, 2012 at 4:55 pm

Eating around other people was always the worst for me. Eventually I just stopped eating at work. Obviously no good. I definitely know what you mean about wanting people to know that you struggle or that there is a problem going on. Now I’m the opposite. If someone ever questions me on something they think is ED behavior I get so pissed. I know it’s just concern (that would’ve helped me years ago when no one said anything) but ED has so little hold on me now it’s laughable when someone brings it up.
The best thing I ate this week was Artichoke Lemon Chicken. I baked chicken breasts, artichoke hearts and onions in clarified butter and lemon juice. To. Freaking. Die. For.
StoriesAndSweetPotatoes recently posted..Book Review: It Starts With Food

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75 Lisa August 22, 2012 at 5:28 pm

Wow! Crazy that you will be going back to nursing school 2 weeks from now! Its insane how fast this summer has passed by!
Haha, I’ve started writing about my HLS posts and I definitely relate to going on a bit too long;)
I love your posts though, so never fear they are too long for us to read!
I too struggled with the eating in front of people, its not something I’m used to doing a ton and I was worried people would judge me for what I was eating or not eating. Yep, definitely relate to the thinking all about me. I don’t know if its necessarily selfish but just being self conscious? Hmm..hard to determine! Ha ha. I definitely stuck with “safe foods” most of the weekend and am a little sad I didn’t let myself enjoy any indulgences or anything like that. I was struggling a lot with my thoughts and just eating in general. I saw myself restricting because I was so anxious about the food that I had not prepared and didn’t have a precise calorie count on it, which made me estimate calories, and get obsessive about that. You are really inspiring in these posts and I thank you for your true honesty in opening up about these struggles as most people are not willing to do so! You are doing great, and I am right there with you!!
Lisa recently posted..Back To The Basics

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76 Laurie @ Love, Laugh, Laurie August 22, 2012 at 5:52 pm

Looks like you got in some pretty healthy (and delicious looking) eats this weekend. And yay for nursing school! Good luck!!
Laurie @ Love, Laugh, Laurie recently posted..Wednesday Ramblings and The Art of Fielding

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77 Amanda @ .running with spoons. August 22, 2012 at 6:14 pm

Girl, I absolutely love how open and upfront you are in your posts. You know, a lot of people probably are/were experiencing the same kind of thoughts, but they just don’t let on. I know that I definitely went through a period when my ED was at its worst when I couldn’t stand to have other people around me when I ate or prepared food. I struggle a lot with being self-conscious, so I feel like people are always watching me and wondering what the heck I’m doing. The eating aspect of it has gotten better as I realized that I need to eat the way I do to feel my best (because I was sooooo tired of feeling sick), but I’m still self-conscious when it comes to a lot of other things. I think it’s all in our heads though, and while other people probably notice us and our actions, it doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re thinking something bad about us. And even if they are, what does it honestly matter, right? We get one life to live for US, not for others <3
Amanda @ .running with spoons. recently posted... WIAW … last night at home .

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78 caloricandcrazy August 22, 2012 at 6:51 pm

That parfait you had looks so cute! It kinda looks like a sunny side egg on top :P

I constantly observe others, even if I don’t mean to. It’s become a habit over the years, stemming from body image issues in high school.
caloricandcrazy recently posted..Thick Thighs

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79 Missy | The Literal Mom August 22, 2012 at 9:00 pm

I think it’s totally natural to step forward and backward and unfortunately I’ve stepped backward all summer. Yikes. It’s going to take some work this fall!
Missy | The Literal Mom recently posted..Back to School Week and a Vacation

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80 tessa8m August 22, 2012 at 9:12 pm

Aww noo I’m sorry to hear that! I hope you start getting better asap, don’t wait until fall… do it now! I know it’s hard, but we both know it’s worth it :)

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81 Ashley @ AlmostVegGirlie August 23, 2012 at 12:53 am

I have the hardest time eating normally (or at all) in front of others so just know you’re not alone! Like today for instance I grabbed lunch with a friend in the student center on campus. The line for the soup and salad place which is my go-to since it’s ‘safe’ was ridic long so I decided to go for just a really low calorie smoothie and I didn’t even end up drinking it all because I didn’t feel comfortable eating in front of other people! And of course I ended up needing to eat more later to make up for it so it so wasn’t worth it! But it’s just so hard to feel judged for your eating choices, especially when dealing with disordered thoughts too!
Ashley @ AlmostVegGirlie recently posted..WIAW: On and Off

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82 tessa8m August 23, 2012 at 1:36 pm

I have definitely done that kind of thing before too Ashley. And when it started to stress me out too much, I stopped going to get food with people which led to some intense isolation :(

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83 Eleanor@eatinglikeahorse August 23, 2012 at 2:02 am

It’s so hard to get back into school mode after the summer! You’ll love it when it starts though, I reckon.
I don’t think it’s selfish to think those things; everyone’s thoughts are inherently self-centred and of course you’re going to think that but I don’t think this is any sort of setback; a group meeting with other bloggers, with the focus on food and healthy eating, was always going to be really hard and as you say, the fact you acknowledge all the thought processes is a major thing to be proud of.
You’re also right in that you’ve got to eat what’s right for you, no one else… hang in there lovely :-) x

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84 tessa8m August 23, 2012 at 1:37 pm

Thanks Eleanor, I shall do my best to keep my head up :)

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85 Brittany @ Itty Bits of Balance August 23, 2012 at 6:36 am

I can’t even imagine how weird it must have been to experience eating with other bloggers. With no computer screen to hide behind, it’s like the truth is being put out there, and I think it’s inevitable for comparisons to start flying around. It looks like you did a great job with some yummy, wholesome eats though!
Brittany @ Itty Bits of Balance recently posted..A Dinner With The Newlyweds

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86 tessa8m August 23, 2012 at 1:35 pm

Yesss so much truth to that… no where to hide kind of thing, time to really and truly lay it all out there.

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87 Sarah @ Feeeding the Brain and Body August 23, 2012 at 8:01 am

So much delicious fruit and other foods, everything looks so tasty! I have definitely gone through a period of being afraid to eat in front of any one else. I am so glad you shared your feelings about eating in front of others at the HLS, I haven’t been in a similar situation in a long time, but I am quite certain I would be out of my comfort zone if I was in that type of social situation. I am really proud of you for being about to acknowledged all your feelings, to help you work towards recovery!
Sarah @ Feeeding the Brain and Body recently posted..Would Fluffy Crepes be an Oxymoron?

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88 tessa8m August 23, 2012 at 1:38 pm

Thank you Sarah!

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89 Kate @ Work in Progress August 23, 2012 at 8:06 am

HIII!!!! sorry I’ve been so MIA lately lol this trip is craycray. Anyways I definitely want to go back and read your other HLS recap too. I gotta be honest – I completely identify with these feelings and I give you HUGE props for even GOING to the summit. Everything you mentioned here, the judgement/worry that others are judging you, and seeing other skeleton-girls not eating….that is the exact reason that, when I was still blogging, I did NOT want to attend HLS in the slightest. I know there are lots of girls out there who LOOK healthy and who EAT well and are awesome people, but I also know there are a LOT of girls who 1. are working through ED’s (props to them) or 2. are in denial about still having eating issues (no props lol) and I really just don’t wanna see that. It makes ANYONE uncomfortable with their own body and eating – I remember when I was that thin girl eating nothing, my friends didn’t want to be around me (one friend didn’t want to go prom dress shopping with me because it made her self conscious….like, wow, that’s how you know there’s a problem lol!), and I also remember looking across the dinner table seeing my too-thin sister and how that felt (more often than not I got up and ate in a different room, it was so uncomfortable). And you’re right, everyone with insecurity issues of any kind will be insecure with what they’re eating and feel like al eyes are on them! But you’re also right that the ONLY opinion that matters is YOUR OWN (and maybe also your mom’s and your doctor’s but you know). I can’t fault you for choosing the “healthier” options and being afraid to branch out – I’m kinda doing the same thing on this trip (especially with the lack of workouts etc….ugh) and quite often it leads to me being hungry. NOT FUN. I can’t tell you how bad I want to get to Colorado and the first stop is legit going to be a Whole Foods and I am going to eat my weight in gluten free carbs lol. anyway. I’m glad you’re doing a better job of reminding yourself WHO’S opinion is important, I totally wish I’d been there to eat froyo and sushi and judge skeleton-girls with you!! :-P

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90 Jemma @ Celery and Cupcakes August 23, 2012 at 8:58 am

Gorgeous food as always! I always get comments about the food that I eat whether it is too little or too much or too weird for some people’s taste.
The people in my new work place eat a completely opposite diet than me lots of burgers and fries and I pull out my salad box, ha! They always ask if i ever get bored of it, my answer- NEVER! Do you ever get bored of your burgers? The way people eat is personal to them and as long that they are eating in a healthy way that is not causing them any harm there should be no shame in that.

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91 tessa8m August 23, 2012 at 1:34 pm

Good point Jemma! Everyone needs to MYOB when it comes to something like food… you never know the type of relationship someone has with it

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92 CJ @ http://healthy-happy-whole.com August 23, 2012 at 9:50 am

I have TERRIBLE issues about eating in front of other people. At work I eat in my office with my door closed and it is MY time…I hate when people knock on my door…I hate when the phone rings. Seriously, it is pretty bad!
I panic when I have to go parties or out to eat for celebrations. Sometimes even with family members I get nervous. It is really quite annoying and silly writing this all out, but you are ABSOLUTELY not alone.
And i think it is hard, when you have “issues” with food, NOT to look at other people because at least for me, I need some sort of validation that I am either “doing it right” (especially when you are with those who are considered some of the “healthiest” you can find) or ED wants to confirm you are still “sick.”
It is such a complicated way of thinking and I am sorry you didnt get to enjoy everything you wanted to. There is always next year my darling!!

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93 tessa8m August 23, 2012 at 1:33 pm

I used to be much worse about my eating times being interrupted.. I would literally pretend to not be there or HIDE, oh my good lord so embarrassing and just bad. I feel what you are saying with the doing it right thing, yet in the end, no one really cares.. and if they do, not worth your attention!

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94 Kelly@ShapeDaily August 23, 2012 at 9:57 am

You hit the nail right on the head with this one. Just like you, I am always surveying what other people are doing to compare to my own actions; and in return, it makes me self conscious about what I’m doing because I feel like others are doing the same thing right back at me. I have paranoid feelings like their looking at me eating something when a thinner person next to me is eating the same thing and thinking that I probably shouldn’t be eating ‘that’. Its a weird concept, but I believe this only happens with truly self conscious people (apparently people like you and I) and not people who are completely comfortable with themselves and what they look like- thats my sister. I have always wishes I was more like her, she doesn’t give a crap what other people think of her and just does what she wants! Wish I could be like that.

At a breakfast buffet I always dive into the fruit salad and cereal bar. The best thing I’ve eaten this week=ground turkey w/ veggies. Sounds simple, but for some reason the combo of peppers/onions/broccoli/brussel sprouts, mixed with ground turkey seasoned in garlic powder and this “saltless seasoning” I have in my cabinet, was amazing!

p.s. Do you really call them “chocolate sprinkles” or did you just do that for the blogging community? As a native Cantonian, I know for a fact they’re “Jimmies” !!
Kelly@ShapeDaily recently posted..Seven Breakfast Ideas for Healthy Living

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95 tessa8m August 23, 2012 at 1:32 pm

Very true.. when you are not okay with yourself.. for one reason or another, it’s going to perpetuate in your daily life and make things quite tough and just plain stressful! I need to strive to be like your sister too haha. And I have always called them sprinkles lol forever and always :)

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96 Kay August 23, 2012 at 10:35 am

The “but you look fine” etc, is so so triggering and is just another ignorant statement from people who associate eating disorders as purely aesthetic. One time my mom said–”I didn’t think of you as a vain person, I don’t know why you’re doing this”…or “You’re smarter than this”….anyway tangent, but I totally hear you on the ‘not looking sick’ and you don’t even have to write a disclaimer about how irrational it is because I’m pretty sure those who read your blog understand.
And the shame about eating too much definitely resonates with me, good for you for making it through the weekend eating what you could in such a triggering environment. I used to be obsessed with all of the HL blogs but I actually only read yours now because ::sweeping generalization:: most of them just perpetuate my ED thoughts. So yes, I am sort of disturbed by the community, I mean it isn’t as blatant as thin-spo but it isn’t always helpful for those in recovery.

note–totally my opinion, I know it has helped others for sure.
okay be well! Good luck in nursing school!

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97 tessa8m August 23, 2012 at 1:30 pm

Ahh yes I have received comments like this too, “just snap out of it” kind of thing. Haaaha, if only! I am sorry that blogs out there are getting to you, although I of course I know where you are coming from with this. But I’m glad my blog has made it through Kay, I would never want it to be something negative for you!

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98 Rachel @ Eat, Learn, Discover! August 23, 2012 at 5:29 pm

I *always* feel the need to justify my food choices, as if someone is always watching me – I actually touched on this a bit in my last HLS recap. Another thing that HLS made me realize is that I don’t have as much trouble with restriction as I do with guilt – mainly because I have so much trouble controlling myself around “free” food. But the whole time i’m eating I’ll be thinking about people judging me and ‘making’ me feel guilty.
Also please don’t hate/judge me, but while we were there at the summit I kind of wanted to say something to you about these things – I kind of got the feeling that meals were a tad bit uncomfortable. But I wasn’t really sure it was my place to say anything.
I can say from meeting you that you really have so many redeeming qualities, and in the long run, people are not going to remember you for what you were eating – even in the HLB community. <3
Rachel @ Eat, Learn, Discover! recently posted..HLS 2012 – Stream of Consciousness

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99 Rach August 23, 2012 at 8:53 pm

It is really hard to be the “healthy one” because it really does seem like people are watching everything you eat. I really hate the comments like “Oooh, you’re eating THAT? I thought you eat healthy??” Bah. Comments like that just really irk me. And I know what you mean when you say that there is the part of you that still wants people to know that there’s a problem. You don’t want to sit here and say all of this to us and then go out in the real world and pretend like everything is fine in front of people who read your blog and for them to think that you might not really be struggling. I may not be explaining this well, but I do get what you’re trying to say. You’re right though, quitting worrying about what everyone else things is definitely the best thing! And you will get there. I know you will. :)
Rach recently posted..Oh, how I love the beach!

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100 Sloane Pitman August 23, 2012 at 10:04 pm

You’re brilliant, sister. Seriously. Obviously I didn’t go to HLS, but I know very well all those feelings. It drives me NUTS. All I can say is thank you for posting about this, and being brave enough to confront this issue. The “comparison trap” is SO hard to get out of. I still find myself looking around any room I walk into trying to see who is skinner, and then my ED voice yells at me for being so lazy and letting myself go. I still watch other people eat to judge what I should eat. I still take sick pleasure in eating “better” or “less” than those I’m with. And, when I’m eating more, I find it necessary to profess and justify my insatiable hunger that day. Its madness. Obviously its something I really need to keep working on, since your post and Lisa’s both really deeply resonated with me. I’m so proud of you for tuning into your thoughts and being really introspective. Keep your chin up, babe, you’re doing great.
xoxo
Sloane Pitman recently posted..What’s the point?

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101 tessa8m August 24, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Gahh yes I am nodding my head to all of what you are saying here Sloane! The understanding of this is so helpful though and allows for progression!

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102 Chelsea @ Chelsea Runs August 23, 2012 at 10:06 pm

I definitely sometimes feel like people are watching me when I eat. Which is sad, because I am a messy eater and no one is ever watching me. I get pretty weird about food because of how much I eat (more than my guy friends, usually) and what I have to eat (allergies/intolerances), so it kinda makes me self conscious. But after having some talks with people about food, I realized that it’s just like.. Not really a big deal unless I make it one. Like, I need to fuel myself, and if someone has a problem with that, then they should probably shut up. In my opinion, the food I eat is part of me being me, so I shouldn’t change it for anyone. Yes, sometimes I slip up and feel “judged” by others, but I try to calm down and focus on me. Sooo, basically I totally know where you’re coming from. That sushi looks delicious ps!
Chelsea @ Chelsea Runs recently posted..WIAW: A Day in the Life

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103 Jess August 24, 2012 at 5:51 am

Everyone else said everything / anything I could say about the food part of your blog. So I wanted to say congrats on nursing school! That is so unreal! Such an important profession!!!
Jess recently posted..How to Manage Stress

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104 tessa8m August 24, 2012 at 12:14 pm

Thank you Jess!

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105 Heather @ For the Love of Kale August 24, 2012 at 8:45 am

Tessa!!! Can I just tell you again how WONDERFUL it was to meet you?! You’re such a sweet, sweet, sweet person. :-) I love your honesty about everything that you experience. It’s the reason you’ve grown and come so far in ED recovery. We really do have to plan a meet-up with Kaitlin and Stephanie!
Heather @ For the Love of Kale recently posted..New Vlog: She & Him Cover!

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106 Brittany August 24, 2012 at 11:00 am

I am SOoooO crazy excited for you to start nursing school. SUCH an accomplishment!! This food all looks so fresh and healthy..I love it!

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