Evening!
Andddd it’s been longer than I anticipated it would. However, I shall not be apologizing for the absence because 1) likely no one cares too much and 2) I am not feeling my best right now and while sometimes such a mood inspires me to write, it can also go the other way. My enthusiasm for getting my thoughts out in writing lacks and therefore Amazing Asset takes a back seat to my daily to-dos.
On that note though I am feeling it today! I have said this a billion and one times but I’m shoutin’ it out anyway, thank you thank you thank you for your support, input and caring thoughts regarding my last post. While I was not necessarily nervous to truly open up about such a topic, one where by this time I “should” be writing about as a more distant memory than a current reality, I will admit to experiencing some reluctance to share the honest facts of what I have been feeling and experiencing.
Reluctance!
I can never know how people will react, what they will say, and how I will come across. Of course, I should not give a hootenanny what people think of me in any aspect, but mhmm clearly I continue to. Getting away from such a preoccupation is certainly a work in progress, as I know focusing on what I perceive others think of me, is a major hindrance of a life where peace of mind and body can not only be found, but has the ability to be celebrated.
This is a subject I have opened up about before, worrying way too much about what other people think of me. In fact, it’s been a major obstacle in my life for several years now… really around the time I began to realize the shape, height, and weight of my own body. It was during those critical, sensitive years in middle school (the dark days as I like to refer to them), where my peers began to play a starring role in the daily activities, thoughts and actions of my life.
The loss of innocence. The breaking down of a world where major problems in your life involve getting in trouble for not sharing, having a bedtime that you must adhere to, “agonizing” chores that are required for you to complete. 11, 12, 13 years old, your entire world changes and the simple existence you used to lead becomes real complicated real quick and along the way, you might lose your place in the role you are “supposed” to be… or you feel you are not fulfilling strict demands (from where? Society? Peers? Family? The Media?!), and you begin to try even harder, compensating for areas of yourself you perceive to be the weakest.
Middle school, specifically 7th grade, was around the time my first round with an eating disorder began. Through the years, beginning in my transition from 4th- 5th grade, I have been “dumped” like a sack of potatoes by people I used to call my best friends. I was too uncool for them, too annoying, loud… too BIG, TALL, FAT for my small, petite friends and as a result, they pulled away from me to find prettier, nicer, cooler girls. <– Not the entire reality, but my perception of what was going on each time a “Friend” found there way of going on without me.
Now I will not place all of the blame on them… I am sure I had qualities that were in fact annoying, mean, etc. At the time though, the censure was all about ME- my physical appearance… it was my WEIGHT that was destroying everything, why I could not maintain friendships, why clothes didn’t look good on me, why no one wanted to “date” (dating is a joke to me under the age of say…16) me, why I was suddenly not happy. How I behaved, dressed, weighed, looked… no wonder I was so miserable, I was a fat kid and no one likes those, better do something about it.
While what I believe to be the views of others of me, societal standards, and the media, all played roles in the development of my eating disorder. Though, they cannot be pinpointed as the only reasons. There is no ONE answer to why such a mental illness develops in a person and while many blame our society as the only perpetrator, this is simply not accurate. If this were in fact true, pretty much every female that grows up in this country would have a major eating disorder, especially as access to social media continues to inflate to a seemingly infinite level.
(**This post is about the fear I have of other people’s view points of me. However I wanted to make sure I clarified the fact that this is not the sole reason for my current existence with such discouraging thoughts)
Back to the main topic now, what would it be like to 100% not care about what others think of you? I honestly do not know… for now anyway.
The anxiety I feel of coming across as a negative/boring/annoying/etc individual in someone’s eyes, has led in part to me making drastic changes in my life… strongly believing that if only THIS happens, I will be accepted, liked by everyone, and of course, happy as can be. There is no need to further investigate such a statement as this is something I have discussed numerous times and many people (with or without an ED) can relate to on some level. We try our best to adhere to society standards, what image, characteristics, personality and so on, will please those that are around you.
At this point, it’s as if the issue of going by what I think others want from me, has escalated to a completely different level. I’m almost embarrassed to admit this, but the years I have spent bending, twisting, finagling myself (figuratively that is), in order to “earn” acceptance, has allowed me to lose touch of who I am- what I actually enjoy doing, clothes I like to wear, hair styles, activities, even my personality… It has become difficult for me to tell if I am being genuine to myself when I make my “life” choices, or does it spur from the lingering need to please others for acceptance? And on that note, how big of a role does the eating BS play in the decisions I continue to make as my life goes on?
By now, with all of the years I have suffered with this THING, dwelling on what it has done and where it has led me, is more of a hindering factor than anything. How many times have you heard how essential it is to yes, learn from your past, but also to mentally move on? I do agree with this, but at the same time I can’t help but wonder where I would be now, what I would be interested in, who I would be as a person… if right from the beginning, other people’s opinions did not matter. Because again, although that is not the primary reason for my eating disorder, it has allowed it to perpetuate (among other factors).
As I do get older and not only does my own maturity increase but others does as well, I continue to understand that the basic truth is, people don’t actually give a sh*t and if they do, they are in no way, shape or form, worth your time of day. I am internalizing this while also working on purging myself of the core beliefs that have ingrained themselves so deeply into both my brain and body. This is a process of letting so very much GO- the toxic encumbrance of what has ruled me and dictated my thoughts and actions for just far too long now.
Letting go is step 1 and right along side this essential notion is to embrace who YOU are as a person- disregard the “shoulds” and “musts,” the characteristics, and behaviors you think you must do in order to achieve acceptance and a peace of mind. This is an everlasting battle and unless I surrender soon, I will forever be in a war with myself, never satisfied, living for others and never able to become the person I was meant to, the person I deserve to become… free of this all.
I would love to hear from you,
-Do you know anyone (or perhaps a number of people!) who truly do not care about what others think and essentially, “do what they want?”
-Continuing from that question, do YOU genuinely not care? If so, I would love to hear how you have achieved this… I understand it’s a matter of simply choosing to stop giving a poo <– Easier said than done I suppose.
-Did your childhood/friend/school situation play a role in your mental and physical devel0pment? Negatively or positively? The former for me of course.
-Do you feel you embrace the “real” you? Or do you still bend to how you think you should behave- career wise, appearance, relationships and so on?
-On a more FUN note.. please share some plans for the weekend! I am publishing this late on Thursday so those who read it will likely be doing so Friday, aka much closer to the weekend 
I hope anyone who stumbles upon here has a most excellent night and of course a delightful weekend as well!
{ 44 comments… read them below or add one }
As always, I appreciate the honesty in your posts Tessa! As easy as it is to point the finger at one factor in the cause of eating disorders, the reality is is that it’s a myriad of different things. But society (and the horror that is middle school/high school) is a largely contributing factor.
I would really love to not care at all what people think of me. I really would – but I’m not there yet. Of course, the level of how much I care has gone down considerably (it’s no longer the be-all, end-all to my existence) but it would be fabulous if I could erase that last little bit that cares too much. Am I the “real me?” That’s hard to say – I feel like I’m still discovering who I am. I have decided to go against what is expected of me (and what is being pushed on me) education wise; I’m getting my MA (Spring 2014) and I’m getting the eff out of schooling :-p No PhD for me!
And just to make this comment even longer: I’m heading home this weekend! Excited for some friend-and-family time.
Sam @ Better With Sprinkles recently posted..Intermittent Fasting? Not On Board.
Not there YET, the keyword is yet if you ask me! I like to think of myself as a work in progress, still trying to figure it out like you said, and also remembering that it’s okay to not know everything right now! I hope you had the greatest time at home this weekend Sam!
I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone who genuinely doesn’t care about what others think. I have friends who don’t worry about weight or food or anything and have this innate ability to literally eat based on how they feel but even those friends care about other’s opinions of them. I’m not sure I’ll ever reach that level. I think it would be hard for anyone to truly achieve that form of freedom. It’s just not how we’re conditioned to behave and believe by society.
That being said, I think you’re doing amazingly well. The fact that you’re able to write all of this for so many people to read is a feat in and of itself. As you grow, you’ll learn more about who you are as you said and I think that’s the biggest step in just letting go of those fears. So you’re already part of the way there!
I’m heading down to RI this weekend to visit my nutritionist and see some friends from the marina I live at in the summer. Couldn’t be more excited! I too, am learning to let go.
Keep writing, girl. You’re an inspiration.
Sarah @PickyRunner recently posted..You mean to say we’re related?
I’m not sure I could reach that level either, but at least we can continue striving for it. Thank you for yoru encouragement here and well-wishes Sarah, it means a lot to me! I truly hope your weekend in RI was a fabulous one for you, you certainly deserve it
My eating disorder also started in a similar way – to gain acceptance with people – girls and guys!
Just kidding!!
When I was in middle school, girls wanted nothing to do with me, so I mostly hung out with the boys in my class as just another friend – definitely not good for the self esteem. I was always self conscious of my body through middle school and high school, and it really sucked because I focused too much on my body image and trying to get people to accept me.
I really think that those girls who bullied me had more of an impact on myself than I would care to admit! they were so mean…literally saying to my face that they hated me hahaha – oh the joys of early adolescents!
Anyways, I’ve now really started to grow into myself and I realized that when I was at my skinniest, I had less friends because I never would want to do another other than nurture my eating disorder. It’s difficult to be friendly and fun being so damn hungry all the time.
Now, I just try to be myself and you know what, with my confidence and having more energy, I’ve met tons of new people that ACCEPT me for who I am. How I look is just my exterior, but there is more to me than my body, and same goes for you!!!
I’m not all the way there yet, though, but it is something you truly have to believe in yourself!
As always Tessa, very insightful post! You always have a wonderful way with your words – you should go to school for that!!
Anyways,
Keep making steps towards having a healthier perception of yourself, because as many others and myself tell you all the time – you are beautiful inside and out
xoxo
Natasha
Natasha recently posted..Running progress and Back to School
Hi Natasha! Always love hearing your opinions and thoughts on matters like this, so thank you for sharing them here
So true about the thinner you become, the more friends you lose because yeah, being hungry all of the time is a major drag! Working on the acceptance and also the superficial thought that I mostly have only physical qualities to offer, this is just true BS
I wonder if there is even such thing as a person who truly doesn’t care what others think. It’s so engrained in our society and in our values! I think if we only care a little bit, it can be harmless, but it’s when we care too much that it starts to negatively affect us. I definitely care too much, I found when I gained more confidence in myself as a person (not based on my looks), I started to care a bit less.
And I can TOTALLY relate to your experiences with friends when I was younger. I had the exact same thing happen to me a few times where my “friends” just totally ditched me and even started ganging up on me. It definitely had a lasting impact on how I perceive myself and how I think others perceive me, unfortunately.
Anyways, this weekend I’m going to a Food and Wine show with friends and meeting up with Sam (from Better with Sprinkles) for sushi!
I hope you have a great weekend too!
Chelsea @ One Healthy Munchkin recently posted..Get Hired Cookies
So so true that when you gain confidence with yourself, a major (positive!) difference is made. You think more highly of yourself so why would it matter what others think? I am working on that one for sure
I hope you had the BEST time this weekend Chelsea, can’t wait to read about it
I like when you talk about this because it reassures me that I’m not the only one who feels this way. I definitely believe those critical middle school/high school years played a major role in the person I am now and the fact that I care so much about what other people think. It’s weird because it seems like some people, like my sister, slip through the cracks of being weighed down by society ideals or words from peers. What I’ve determined is that my sister and I are so different (she doesn’t give a crap about what anyone thinks) because her best friends during “those years” were a group of girls who were all supportive and didn’t care what other people thought. For me however, I had a circle of friends of which included about 5 guys. These guys wouldn’t just talk about girls looks around us all the time, they would make fun of certain things and just hearing them talk that way implanted the idea in my head that everyone was that critical and they must have talked about me behind my back that way too. This inevitable lead to me feeling self conscious, which I continue to work on and believe I am starting to feel more comfortable in my own skin. Again, thanks for sharing your thoughts and for being so honest it really does reach people!
Kelly@ShapeDaily recently posted..Exercises to Perk up your Boobs
Interesting about your sister and you bring up a good point here… that your group of friends really can make a major difference. Of course this is not true for everyone, as people have varying personalities, what gives them confidence, brings them down, etc, but in this case it did in fact allow your sister to get away from such negative thoughts we share. Thank you for continuing to read Kelly and also providing your own insight here!
ah yes, I still think this is one of the biggest hurdles of my recovery as well. it is hard to let it go, let those ideas of what other people think go. a lot of my disorder was from trying to be a certain way. how did I know that way? by what I call mindreading. I always assumed people thought this when they saw me or thought this at some point, it was hard to let that go and realize that maybe they do not even notice me. I wish I wish i could stop caring what other people think, yes i have come a lot farther and have more a thick skin but i would lying if i said those thoughts do not come into my mind daily. I have to say now though, I am still my biggest critic – a lot of that stemming from the mind reading I think I can do. ha!
Alex @ therunwithin recently posted..It’s Ok: Get a Helmet
It sounds like we have both come really far with this but yes, do have some improving to do! Just reminding ourselves of our irrational thoughts over and over makes a major difference
I definitely can relate to the horrible-Middle School-experience. I too was suddenly dropped like a bad habit by my so called “friends” in about 7th, 8th grade. For no reason at all really. This was also around the time that the whole cyber bullying thing was really starting, but parents didn’t really know how to handle it or what it was. I struggled for a long time; hated going to school and would make up excuses to stay home. Which was so NOT me – I loved school and my classes. Eventually, high school happened and I made new friends who actually gave a shit about me. I really chalk that middle school experience to a mixture of new “gotta be a cool kid” pressure, hormones, and just mean kids. I was able to actually be myself in high school and found my niche very quickly. I found that as I got older, I cared less and less about what other people think about me. Sure, to a certain extent I do care now. I sometimes get in the trap of thinking, “What do people think about my running? my blog? is it good enough? Do my times suck? Do they think I suck?” but then I snap out of it. It take a lot of courage to not care, but once you realize it, it’s very freeing. I always think about this – whether one person has a certain opinion of you or not, you should still do YOU! They have no effect on the outcome.
Sarah @ Blonde Bostonian recently posted..Me? CrossFit?
Ahh yes, cyber bullying was new during that time.. and I certainly had some issues with freakin instant messenger, good times? Not so much. Thank you for sharing your experience here Sarah and of course I am so sorry to hear that kind of BS happened to you, gosh kids are just awful sometimes. I need to work on snapping out of it like you do when I start to question such things because it so does NOT matter in the grand scheme of things!
Okay, here’s the deal,
Today’s points I want to make/convey are:
1) “Time takes time, it will all make sense one day.” By this I mean, everything you have been through and everything you are currently going through/enduring is/are preparing you for your future, which is ALWAYS a better, much better place, even if it takes years maybe decades to get there. I’m borrowing that “let your past make you better, not bitter” line BTW and it is my current FB stastus!haha
2) “Tough times never last, but tough people do”, you say “unless I surrender soon”. Another way to say this quote is “A quitter never wins and a winner never quits”. Just keep going, trying, and persisting.
3) “What does not kill you makes you stronger.” Challenges exist in order to force us to grow as individuals, which is one reason many rich kids turn out to be airheaded douches (I’m looking at you Billionaire Barbie/Paris Hilton).
Finally, yes I am one of those ppl who is lessc concerned w/ what others are thinking of my behavior/appearance. Althopugh it may seem like the ultimate freedom to you, and I cannot imagine what it is like inside your head, this state of mind has it pros and cons as well. I think that the purpose of your blog applies here, “a healthy balance”, because if you really dont give a f*ck AT ALL then you run the risk of being rude/insensitive and alienating people just the same. For example, what would happen if President Obama decided to give a State of the Union Address in a sweatsuit? Or, a student who is nominated for an award at schl, shows up in shorts and flip-flops?
I’ll reiterate, “time takes time, it will all make sense one day”!
#balance
Oh, I almosdt forgot, “Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it’d be worth it”, and trust me, with everything I’ve been threough in 27+ years, it ALWAYS is!
Hi Tessa, I’m so glad I found your blog. You echo so many of my personal struggles – mainly that I worry too much about what others think and this has resulted in me CONSTANTLY trying to fit into a mold of what others desire me to be (or rather, my perception of what they desire me to be).
My relationship with my body and with food has been a struggle since I was a kid. It led me to learning and practicing nutrition. I am still learning, still healing, but I am learning a new kind of respect for my self through all of the ups and downs.
To answer your first question, my best friend from home is a person that appears to genuinely not care about what others think of her. But if you talk to her, she has a lot of fears and concerns and insecurities, too. She just gets over it and lives her life. I’m still trying to learn from her.
Marlena
Hi Marlena, allow me to first thank you for stopping by my blog and reading my thoughts on all of this! That is great to hear you are trying your best now to get away from the constant negativity we have known for so long. It certainly is a continuous work in progress, but it does sound like you do that. Also, I need to learn from your best friend too!
It can be SO hard to brush things off of my shoulders and just let it slide. I wish I could be as carefree as some of the others around me, but sometimes I guess it’s ok to be that way because I recognize that fault in myself and try to deal with things as they come. One day at a time…
Nikki recently posted..My Bridal Party
One day at a time for sure.. otherwise being overwhelmed will be the next thing to deal with!
I think that not caring about what other people think of you is something that comes with age. I’m not claiming to be all wise and sage-like over here, but I’ve definitely noticed that the older I get, the more comfortable I become with myself and the less I care about what other people think of me. I’m definitely not at a point where I don’t care at all, but the opinion of others matters a whole lot less now than it used to. I think part of it, too, is realizing that you’ll never be happy if you’re constantly trying to make others happy. Outside approval isn’t going to mean anything to you if it forces you to do something that’s not -you-, if that makes sense. At the end of the day, the only person you have to answer to is yourself, so that’s the person you should be trying to impress.
Amanda @ .running with spoons. recently posted... eating more, but snacking less .
Very good point Amanda… you mature and realize what things used to be the biggest deal in the world are no longer seeming like the end of the world. You give me inspiration when you tell me you are getting closer and closer to truly not caring and yep, you will never be satisfied with yourself if this is what you dwell on.
You’ll get there Tessa. Struggles in our lives have a way of burying who we really are but luckily shovels were invented (haha, or at least metaphorical ones!). Be gentle and compassionate with yourself and know that the only way to rediscover who you truly are is to be healthy and happy with yourself physically and mentally. Keep working towards that and you will be able to relearn who you are.
Haha I do like the reference Kaila! Thanks for the encouragement pretty lady
Hi Tessa! Your writing is always so honest and inspiring. I wish my students, any teenagers, could hear you. Your insight on how hard it is for girls to feel accepted… And how one day they can maybe care less and accept themselves is so important. You’re great and I’m so happy to be your “sister”. Keep on keeping on… You are learning so much and becoming who you want to be. <3
Awww Christine thank you for continuing to read here… my sporadic posting and novels here deter people haha. But you are the best and thanks for the helpful encouragement and very sweet words
I can completely relate to caring waaay too much about what other people think about me or my actions. Sometimes it’s about the silliest things ever and it definitely gets in the way of enjoying life. There are things that I would do if I didn’t care about that, but it’s preventing me from stepping out of my comfort zone.
I’m not sure I know people who don’t give a crap about what others might think, but I do know some who don’t let it influence their actions. I hope to get there someday.
We are working on it though Jessy and I know by even talking about it right now, I am realizing how absurd my thinking is so much of the time
I absolutely know what you’re talking about when you say you have lost your true self. I just had this conversation with my mother the other day because my knee surgeries have lead me to a completely different path of life; however, my years of disordered eating before my knee surgeries also veered me in other directions so I am completely lost at who I AM. There are so many times throughout the day I always wish to do something but I do not know if it’s my eating disorder mind, my depressed mind, or what I actually WANT to do. Right now, it is hard for me to even walk down the street to walk my dog because my knee just doesn’t feel right, so I say to my mom, “I just wish I could take Elmo for a walk”; however, I start to question whether this really is a big deal to me or if my eating disorder mind just wants me to be able to go do something physical. It’s literally every day little things or big things. Do I really like baking? Do I really like exercising? Do I really enjoy running? Do I really like to wear dresses or do I just want to look good in them? It’s SO, so confusing and ridiculous because my own sense of “self” is completely GONE.
On another note, my eating disorder started exactly when your disorder started and I completely agree it is NOT social media to blame for everything. I tried to mold myself into what was “acceptable” to those around me. The “popular” and well-liked girls of my school. They were thin and fit, petite and athletic. I believe it has a lot to do with what the person sees around them as being “liked”.
I’ve been idle for a long time but I continue to drop by your page and catch up with you. I’m sorry to hear you have ups and downs lately but I am sure every individual struggling with disordered eating has “off” days. You’ll pull through it!
Gosh can I relate to what you are saying now Lauren, and i appreciate you opening up about this as well…I know I am not alone with my thoughts, but you are speaking my mind here and making me feel less alone! Exactly about questioning what you do, if you actually enjoy it, so sooo confusing. Thank you for continuing to read here Lauren, it means a lot that you do
Love the honesty you’re always sharing within your posts! Having these issues can definitely cover up who we actually are as a person, but you’ll get through it! I used to suffer from horrible panic attacks, most of the time I was just SO worried what others thought of me, but with a lot (and I mean a lot) of work with my therapist, panic therapist (yes, I had a separate therapist for anxiety issues), I’ve gotten a lot more comfortable with myself and just accepting me for me. I still struggle sometimes, but not nearly as much. You will get there! You have all my support and I know you can get through this struggle. I can relate with you on basically all aspects you covered. Keep going:) xo
Lisa recently posted..Comment on Currently by Katie
So glad to hear that you are doing so much better with this Lisa! Therapy can help with something like this.. it’s a major reason I continue to see mine as well. Thanks for the encouragement love
I totally relate to you when you said your friends in middle school basically “rejected” you from their group. I had two girls literally say to my face they didn’t want to be friends with me when I was in the sixth grade…yup, total self-esteem boost right there :/
At that time though, I wasn’t obsessive over body image, but I was getting there.
P recently posted..Nerdy Girl Survey
It’s safe to say that girls are quite a piece of work.. to do something like that during such a vulnerable time in your life… Yeah it can really mess with us
I think a lot of events and people negatively affected me and played a part in my Ed. But.. I can honestly say that now I am comfortable being me and I have actually been celebrating it!
I didntjuststop giving a poo. I tried doing that and it never worked. Instead,I stopped putting myself down (which I did a lot… And I think this played a part in me assuming everyone felt that way about me.)! At the same time, I reflected regularly throughout the day on all the ways that I am a good, compassionate, competent person. Am I perfect? No! No one is perfect…it’s impossible…so why was I holding myself to standards of perfection?
Karla recently posted..There is another way….
Ahh you go woman, teach me! I am “Great” at putting myself down so yeah, that is a major obstacle that is in my way. Thanks for the advice here and you are seriously inspiring me right now Karla
Aww. You are so sweet. So, here I am to give you some thoughts to think about instead of putting yourself down…..
You are such a loving person. You take time to talk with your readers, who you don’t even know , and encourage them.
You are an honest woman. You don’t lie and say things are great when they are not. You tell the truth and that’s a quality many admire.
You are intuitive. You keep I touch with your thought, feeling,ps, beliefs and desires. This brings excitement and life to you and those around you!
You refuse to settle for less than you deserve. You are kicking Ed’s ass, whether you always feel like it or not. Do you know how many people say screw it and decide to just live with Ed forever. You deserve better and you are strong enough to fight!
I could seriously go on forever. I encourage you to stop yourself when you are about to say something negative about youself and instead think of one thing you did that day that reminds you of the amazing person you are. Another thing that helped…I told me hubby I was working on getting rid of negative self talk so when I said things like, ‘I’m so fat or I’m an idiot.” my husband resounded with, “what?” I then was aware of what I was doing and immediately said something like, “I am finally treating my body well.” maybe do this with your mom. It may sound weird, but it seriously helps!
Karla recently posted..Do what scares you..it will free you!
I hope you had a lovely weekend Tessa!
Your honesty on your blog is so inspiring – this post especially got me thinking….
I think everybody, however confident in themselves they are, has the desire to ‘fit in’ sometimes – I think that is completely normal!
I have ALWAYS tried to fit in but last year I made friends with a lovely group of girls who are very individual – this has helped me enormously embrace who ‘I’ am. I also kinda got sick of trying to be like everybody else – it took up way too much time and energy.
This quote sums it up perfectly:
“Be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Peg X
p.s I just ‘followed’ you on Pinterest – I am seriously impressed by the number of boards you have!
Peg recently posted..Simple Pleasures…
@Peg, I love that quote, its a new one for me, and I’m going to use/borrow it, sound like a plan?
Yes, feel free to borrow it Ben!
Peg X
Peg recently posted..Simple Pleasures…
Hi Peg, thanks for stopping by and reading my thoughts here! And also for following me on Pinterest… I do have a whole lot of boards but I think it’s a bit embarrassing lol, I spend way too much time on that site!
And yes, I LOVE that quote, one of my favorites for sure and I agree, it does sum things up perfectly
Yes! Yes, yes, yes! It’s such a freeing and jubilant realization that absolutely no one gives a sh*t about your (or my or anyone else’s) life choices (unless they’re endangering others, etc., etc.). This allows you to release any un-truths you have been living with and to start thinking, behaving, and LIVING in a way that is important and genuine to YOU. As long as you are safe, healthy, and happy, it really doesn’t matter what you do with your life.
Exactly Irina and that is the place I am striving to get to!
I’ll be honest….I don’t know a single person that doesn’t care what other people think about them. I think we all care, in some way, and on some level that’s okay. I care that my parents think I’m doing good things with my life, and the need to please them is part of what drives me to like…be a contributing member of society lol. But that’s only okay because the only thing they expect of me is to be happy, independent, and contributing to society. When it’s not about being “good enough” for someone, pleasing or impressing people can be something that drives you. But there’s a line between that and changing who you ARE to fit what others may think of you. I also get really conscious about my body size and what others think of it. I remember when I first moved out to Colorado, I was like “oh shit I am working for an endurance sports company….what if they think I’m fat and out of shape and unathletic?” Turns out I’m the smallest and leanest woman in the office and everyone calls me things like “fairy” and “little pixie” and “Kate won’t be able to carry that, she’s tiny, look it’s like over half her size!” (which is kind of annoying and degrading coming from cute male coaches BTW….lol) But they don’t say these things because they care and they’re judging, they say it to tease me in good fun. So when they’re not joking with me, they’re (probably) too concerned with their own “racing weight” and “body fat percent” to really scrutinize mine. I think personally where I run into the most trouble is with the blogging world – I basically REFUSE to post pictures of myself because even though the people I work with might think I’m a “pixie”, a lot of the bloggers out there (especially the ones with problems…you know what I mean…) probably think I’m a chunky walrus or something. And I KNOW that other bloggers judge the shit out of each other (and I kind of do too in a way), so it just makes my skin crawl.
But anyway. I think running gave me an escape from that in a way, having something that was my special thing, and no one really liked it (wouldn’t stay up late and drink with my friends cuz I needed to run the next morning), but I did it anyway cuz I loved it. So this past year, I kind of did go through that “who am I without my special thing and what does everyone think of me and should I start trying to be someone that I think others will like?” and Basically spent all last winter and spring feeling like shit about myself and I honestly don’t even know how I rediscovered who I am. Maybe it took coming out here and living alone and not really having friends – I had to be someone I liked spending a lot of time with!
For you it might take more conscious thought about what you’re doing with your spare time, what you wear, etc, or it might take completely disconnecting. But however you find out, you will get there! And FWIW, in the time I’ve been reading your blog I do get little glimpses of who Tessa really is without ED. Just in the way you write, the phrases you use, the things you do with your family (beer water slide much?) – you’re a super fun person, you’ve just gotta bring her out!