WIAW- {Trying Not} To AllowThe Perpetual Thoughts

Evenin’!

Goodness are Wednesdays long for me, as I talked about a week ago on my previous WIAW post. This one was not much different, although there was no lab to attend which freed of some of my time to study FOREVER or as much as I deemed necessary. I did indeed have another exam today and while I did pass, not the grade I am working for… <– umm how many times have I said that exact sentence when reflecting on my nursing exams?! I’m pretty sure every.single.one. Although from what I am gathering, it seems that most people in my class are receiving high 70s/low 80s on this particular test (I am somewhere in there), which does make me feel better… and less stupid.

Now that the test is over and done with… I can tell you that I am not doing one dang thing that has to do with nursing tonight, I am giving myself the night off! Hence the blog post comin at ya A What I Ate Wednesday theme to be precise, courtesy of the oh-so-fabulous Jenn over at Peas and Crayons.

I don’t usually like to start posts this late, especially WIAW ones where I do prefer to have them out bright and early when more people are likely to stumble on over here. With my free time tonight though, I found myself looking through all of my favorite blogger’s foodie posts and wanted to jump on the ole bandwagon, as I do miss the regularity that blogging used to be. As I scanned these posts, I began to consider what I could talk about today… wait stop the thinking process right now, time to go grab a snack….

Yet another new Chobani flavor checked off the to-eat list and yep, this is another winner. I adore Key Lime pie (haven’t had it in YEARS though, I am sure you can guess why… sigh), and I have found I am keen to that flavor yogurt as well. On that note, I am not trying to convince myself that this is a OMGGGZZZLSJDG so great substitution for actual pie, but it’s pretty dang good regardless. The addition of the graham cracker and white chocolate made it a tad more delicious but I will say… serving sizes man, too small! It’s like with the bites, 2 ish more would satisfy the hunger (mental or physical) beast.

Okay sorry for that interruption but it is 7:45 pm as I type this and I am getting peckish… haven’t had dinner yet and since I’ve been up since 7am (early for this old girl), umm yeah, it is indeed time to be hungry! Alright should go make dinner now, or at least throw something together that could be justified as the evening meal… ehh let’s go with another snack first, not quite ready for dinner. Hold on a hot second while I grab this,

I am going to go ahead and make this claim, but this particular orange might be the BEST one I have ever eaten! It is called a Satsuma and when I was in Whole Foods the other day aimlessly wandering around wasting both time and money, I stumbled upon these gems in the produce section.

Get this too, FREE SAMPLES of them were available…. like a whole plate of them and the combination of me being rather hungry and just feeling the need to hoard free samples in general, well errr I went to town on those suckers. I just happened to keep on walking by, inquiring about this new-to-me type of orange and I of course HAD to grab a segment to make sure I liked it

Whoops went off track there a bit... right so what was I saying before I went up and grabbed a snack? Ahhh yes, how it’s dinner time and that putting a MEAL together is a good idea as that is the normal thing to do, I’m hungry, I need food, this makes sense. But before I elaborate on what I could choose to whip up, I feel a slight tinge of another pang, so I’m going to get up and choose something quick…

 Mmm pistachios, how is it that I forget about this tasty nut? Almonds are my go-to but pistachios, what a welcome change these are! Though the shell thing throws me off a bit, but does stop me from shoveling them into my mouth, like what I want to do right now…. because I know I should be putting together an ACTUAL meal that will fill me up rather than for a few minutes….

Again what was I saying before the pistachio break? Oh and orange and yogurt as well? I thought I had something before that…

Okay I think you know where I am going with this and I am embarrassed to admit how often this snacking situation occurs- most days of the week? Gahh yes. Whenever I post a WIAW post, it is an example of what I ate in the particular day I am highlighting, and usually on such occasions I’m eating three(ish) meals a day with a normal amount of snacking in between. But not all of my days are like this.

I did start off with an actual meal (breakfast!) in fact! Mixing it up with a classic sweet potato/nut butter/greek yogurt combination in the MORNING. Not sure how I felt about this.

Mighty tasty nonetheless.

I am a snacker, a grazer, a person who does not like to eat full meals and while I would like to say it’s because of my schedule, it’s easier eat like this, I enjoy tasting a bunch of different items, blahh blah, I will admit that it mostly has to do with corrupted view of food. Something I have said many times, for years now, I have placed food on a pedestal- seen it as one holy substance that I both love and fear simultaneously and what I choose to form my day, no my life really, around. This is nothing new of course, but something I feel is worth repeating as the viewpoint has not completely diminished.

Lunch (part 1?) was another example of this entire concept… sushi when I first got hungry (crab, veggies, soy sauce wrapped in lettuce)

Now what does this have to do with my snacking consistencies? Months ago I wrote a post on how this could be a possible hindrance on myself. At this point, I better understand my reasons for “loving” grazing, basically coming down to a few raw truths-

1. I have lingering fears being both hungry and full
2. I continue to not fully understand the concept of being “satisfied”
3. Dinner is tough for me, when I am done I’m usually thinking… “well now what? Bedtime I guess otherwise I will keep on shoveling the food in.”
4. Snacking allows my focus on food to continue throughout the day- something I am continuously trying to get away from, but turn to in times of stress, anxiety, out of sorts, sadness…
5. I “satisfy” the different cravings I have by having bites and tastes of foods, rather than sitting down, enjoying the few selections and I want and MOVING ON

Lunch (part 2?) Then about an hour later, half a sandwich I bought at a place near my school… (turkey, provolone, lettuce, tomato, cucumber, honey mustard, ketchup(!!) )

Why not have these together, eliminate the hunger pangs and have that too-familiar-feeling GONE for several hours? It’s hard for me to answer… but it’s safe to say the reason does go back to the points I just listed above.

I am declaring it now, the grazing business has go to go. A perfect example of WHY was what I wrote at the beginning while attempting to write this all out! Feeling hunger during a NORMAL time to eat a meal, but allowing the feeling and focus to continue by picking a snack and avoiding the emotional stress and angst I sometimes feel after a meal. Again, the snacking allows the perpetual thoughts of FOOD (forever and always) to remain in the forefront of my thoughts- something that both comforts and sabotages me.

A SNACK before going into my exam… Cookies n’ Cream Luna Bar, okay I have had this flavor once before but wowza this is a good one.

This isn’t even about the calories (too much/too little?), and I am in fact enjoying healthy items that I really and truly want. But it’s the reasons WHY I choose this manner of consuming my food… and the lingering disorder holds power over my logical functioning brain in that regard.

After the gym, when I arrived home at 6:30 ish.. I was rather starving and yet again, this would have been an appropriate time to just eat a dang meal, DINNER. Nope! Snacking seemed easier, it was simpler to put off considering an actual meal, being over and done with it and then having to move on and do different things that did not somehow involved FOOD.

More greek yogurt forever.

Yogurt accompanied with grapes and a few rolled up pieces of turkey and cheese

Upon finishing this.. headed to the items listed above, all while understanding that a meal would satisfy physically and MENTALLY so much more. Thank goodness I did end up eating a regular sized dinner at about 8:45 when I was finally feeling hunger again,

Looks gross? Sure does… but NAY delicious!

A selection from the Whole Foods hot bar- chicken, Brussels sprouts, white beans, onion and garlic with a unique tasting tomato sauce to bring it all together. I probably could have made this at home without much effort and saved some big hunka change, sometimes though, the convenience teams up with my laziness and thwarts motivation toward a home-cooked meal.

I’m thinking this discussion has gone on long enough eh?! But gosh, does it feel GREAT to get so much of what has bene bottling up inside me out! I never quite realized how much of an output the blog was for understanding my own actions and really allowing the honesty I feel and think to come through. I do have limited free time, but spending some of it in this space is doing good things for me

Plan of action: snack less, meals often. I shall share the progress of this soon as I try and get into this newer habit.

-Are you more of a snacker/grazer or someone that likes to sit down to three squares meals a day? If you are the former, do you find yourself focusing on food more in your daily life?

-When you do snack, what is the very first thing you turn to? Or more broadly, something salty or sweet?! It is incredibly obvious from this post and mine in general, that SWEET is my jam.

-Has the idea of food being “on a pedestal,” a sort of wondrous/evil substance that controls you, been one you have dealt with? How did you get away from this toxic viewpoint?

-Even when you have reached the point of true satisfaction, do you find yourself thinking about the next meal/time you will eat? Do you have trouble being satisfied? Why is this? I get that after years of restricting and deprivation, my body and mind are still making up for lost time… especially since falling a bit off track these last few months.

-And of course, what is the very best thing you ate in the past week?

Tagged as: Chobani Greek Yogurt, Eating Disorder Recovery, Intuitive Eating, Luna bar, Overcoming Fears, Restriction