Salvete! (Latin for hello to a group, pretty much the only thing I remember after 7 years…)
I haven’t posted on a Tuesday in quite some time, even before me “official” blog break last semester. For some reason I deemed Tuesdays and Thursdays to be the day I never even signed into the blog world… Well anyway, clearly I am going against my former “rules” and wanted to pop in here for a hot second to share a message with you all. This message is absolutely nothing new, groundbreaking or eye-opening… it’s more of a reminder, one that is necessary for myself and if I were to guess, countless others out there as well.
So what is this all about? The other day I received an email from a reader asking for my advice/input on her current situation where she feels like the oddball out, the one that does not fit in with her family, culture and often compares herself to others, therefore thinking she is not enough. It’s safe to say that MANY of us have been there, including me of course. I wrote this response to her last night and I wanted to publish a post showing what I wrote to her… not because, again it was a compelling or groundbreaking message, but one that is essential to constantly remember.
If you need a bit of a boost today for whatever reason, understand the genuine words and statements I am proclaiming here. They are ones I often doubt, but also consider when I fantasize a life that is free of a constant, overwhelming burden of never being “enough.”
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Responding to the reader:
I have talked about this on my blog many times over, but when I was in middle school I was also the “odd man out…” much bigger than all of my friends, like you not fat, but larger, more muscular, taller, etc. It seemed that all of my friends were the exact opposite though- teeny tiny, petite, thin, shorter height/average, and so on. This did not bother until one day, well it did. The oh-so-glorious time of middle school (sarcasm) was when it occurred and I slowly but surely became aware of how different I looked from them- how much prettier I thought they were, how boys seemed to like them more, and I just felt like the big, fat, blahhh. This is what initially triggered my restrictive habits because I hated feeling this way.
It’s interesting that you are bringing this up right now, because honestly just TODAY I was asked from someone what is the “one thing you would tell your younger self?” My immediate response was to go back to that time of my life when I felt larger/gross compared to others and just say to myself, “you are enough, stop comparing, realize that you are actually a great person with qualities that are worth while, that your looks, your body, your size… they really and truly do not matter.”
Now I know what you are likely thinking right now, eye roll first of all and second, stop with these cliche, love yourself quotes. At a different time I would feel the same, basically that what I was saying was absolute BS and actually YEAH that stuff does all matter! But goodness, if I could go back in time, I would tell myself that exact statement above.
Basically it does come down to remembering that you are enough and that to “compare is to despair.” I have spent the majority of my life trying to change how I look in order to feel accepted by others, to feel loved by other, to feel better than people around me, because in my mind my physicality is the only thing that I have to offer. If you think about it though, your physical self, your looks, body shape, skin tone, etc, are ever-changing, they do not stick around and if you are defining yourself by something that will not last, then what will you be left with in 10, 20, 50 years from now?
Bring out the LOVE YOURSELF sh*t again… but yeah, your mind, your thoughts, your personality, and actions, are in fact ever-lasting and the features that should count.
These are life lessons that have slowly become part of what I truly believe in, because the longer I try and look and act a certain way, really to put on some kind of show or appearance for other people, the longer I will suffer… the longer you will suffer as well, and never ever be satisfied or happy with yourself.
Embracing who you are is absolutely essential for a peace of mind, for a life that is free of hating yourself and being controlled by all of this forever. Again yes, cliche statements right there, but ones I believe in and try to embrace myself. I am not quite there yet… well farther away than I would like, but I am working on it and even writing things like this out to you is helping ME understand the truth in it even more.
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-Do you or have you ever defined yourself solely but your physicality? If you have healed from such thoughts, what other aspects of yourself do you now consider more important and lasting?
-Do you believe or truly embrace the idea of “self-love” and that it can bring a piece of mind?
-What is one thing you would tell your younger self at an age that was more difficult for you than others?
-Do you find that “cliches” out there about loving yourself or positive daily mantras, are something that is helpful or just repetitive, possibly annoying?
I just wanted to get this out today, especially during a time where I continue to criticize my body when I am feeling vulnerable, “dumb,” anxious and busy as a result of school and other various requirements of LIFE. I will possibly back for WIAW tomorrow, depends how much time I have today… otherwise enjoy the rest of your Tuesday 
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
what a great message Tessa. I couldn’t agree more, i always felt like that oddball and I really think that insecurity kind of perpetuated that ED mentality that kept me sick for so long. It is so hard because like you I would scream from the rafters well just stop comparing, easier said than done. I still find that cycle hard to break. But I think there comes a time when you need to just fully embrace the person that was meant to be, that is enough, it is what we were made to be. Blah I got all sappy on you. Just loved this post
Alex @ therunwithin recently posted..Things I Wish I Knew
Thanks a lot Alex, I really do love to hear your input on this.. because I know you have been there and yep, you really do just need to embrace yourself
Great post Tessa! I totally agree that comparison is the worst and is definitely something I still struggle with today! I love how you address it in such a lighthearted manner too! Awesome!
danielle@Clean Food Creative Fitness recently posted..Paleo and Gluten Free Chocolate Chip Blondies
You are wonderful Danielle, you and I will get there one day, it’s something I vehemently believe!
I love reading your posts because you are so honest and straightforward. You’re a strong person, and I think you’re ability and willingness to share your thoughts and wisdom with others is one of your AMAZING ASSETS (TEHE!).
Thank you Jessica, it means a lot that you said this
This is such a great post. I never thought about those thoughts from when I was younger contributing to the beginning of my issues. I, too, was always bigger than my friends. Not fat, not unhealthy, just bigger. I definitely always felt like I stuck out. I’ve never had a specific group of friends that I really “click” with. I was always a floater. I have two really close friends now in college but even still, we aren’t attached at the hip. We’re different people. Comparisons are a big one in today’s society. “Why doesn’t she have to work out?” “Why do I look like this when I eat healthier than that person?” “Why is she getting better grades even though I study more?” They’re limitless. The only way to start feeling better about ourselves is to STOP comparing to others. Your response hit the nail on the head.
Sarah @PickyRunner recently posted..Being an athlete
Love this post Tessa! I definitely had the same problem when I was a kid. I wasn’t huge, but I was tall and I was built a little sturdier. It drove me insane, because I couldn’t understand why I didn’t look like my more petite friends. Of course, this continued into high school and beyond, where my ‘decision to change things’ warped into anorexia.
You had the perfect response…it doesn’t matter! The comparison trap is always deadly and nothing good can come out of it. I would love to tell my ten year old self that.
I love the idea of self-love, but it’s much easier said than done. Slowly but surely I am getting there.
Loved this post/you! <3
Sam @ Better With Sprinkles recently posted..Size Awesome.
Ugh yes, the choices we made to change things and make everything “better” sure as heck did not work out that way.. but we certainly have learned from these experiences! And that is the thing to do now, to learn from our past as opposed to getting angry or distracted by it
I definitely had my moments as a younger girl where I compared wayy too much. If I could go back and tell myself something, I would tell myself that things get better. To keep my head up, and focus on SCHOOL!
Something OTHER than our bodies/ourselves, anything!
Thanks for the reminder – especially the part about physicality not being an actual lasting thing! How shallow is it that I already freak out about what it will be like to age physically?! Blah – better reason to learn to love ME and all of ME. That being said…I think positive daily mantras are helpful, but every now and then I get in a funk where I just want to be happy and confident and I get frustrated with constantly having to remind myself I am enough. I guess that means I still have some work to do
Sharla recently posted..Winter Blahs
I would not use the word shallow, it is too negative if you ask me! I do feel the same way though, but am trying to spin it into something more positive and easier to embrace and work with
I still have work to do too Sharla
Thanks for the wonderful reminder, Tessa
As cliche as all the mantras about self-love and acceptance may be, and as ridiculous as we may feel when we first start to drilling them into our heads, they really do make a huge difference in shifting our mindset towards a healthier one. Maybe it’s all a part of growing older (and wiser?), but I’ve definitely noticed myself becoming a lot more comfortable with the person I am and accepting of my own skin. There are definitely still days when I struggle, but I’ve found that focusing on accepting myself is a lot more beneficial than focusing on trying to change myself. One of my favorite lines of thinking is that we’ll basically be in a relationship with ourselves and our bodies for our whole lives, so we might as well do all that we can to make it a positive one, and that usually involves a change in attitude rather than a change in physicality.
Amanda @ .running with spoons. recently posted... chocolate chip banana bread .
oh my goodness, I wish I could go back even a year with my knowledge now! But that’s life right? We are who we are because of our experiences. Haha and I *loved* middle school too… not.
Katie @ Peace Love & Oats recently posted..Yogurt & Nut Butter Reviews
Thank you for this post! It is very helpful to see this written out.
I think this is something everyone needs to hear, especially younger kids in middle/high school!
mindy recently posted..Mini Jewelry Haul
Great post!! I still have these moments of self doubt! I am at a point in my life though where I’m happy being me, I like me. I think appreciating yourself at the core is essential! Looks, weight, hair, grades, work they can be important but should not overtake us or change how we feel about ourselves!
Jess recently posted..Taking care of you
Awesome reminder, Tess! Every time I feel down about myself, I try to remind myself of something I heard a few years ago: “If you can’t love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to”! It’s such a simple statement yet so powerful!
Khushboo Thadani recently posted..My idea of a detox
I find cliches at times to be terribly annoying, but there are some unique ones I may happen to stumble upon that make me think wow, that’s so true!
Actually, I was in lecture the other day and my professor pointed out that one way to feel good about yourself is to hold your cup of coffee/tea/milk whatever you drink in the morning with both hands. Apparently its supposed to be very comforting and a good stress-reliever.
1. I most certainly have and sometimes still do (a lot more than I care to admit) define myself solely based on my physical appearance. I know it isn’t healthy, and it is (and probably always will be) a work in progress. Over the past few years, I’ve learned to appreciate my ability to empathize with others and connect with people as well as my sense of humor.
2. I do truly believe in “self love” and that it brings about a sense of peace. However, I have yet to learn how to truly embrace it. I strive to, though.
3. I would simply reassure my younger self that it’ll all turn out just fine, and that those difficult experiences/feelings will all help shape me into a smart, self-aware, independent adult who’ll be happy.
Erin @ The Elliptical Chronicles recently posted..Fries & Pies & Beers, Oh My!
I had a really rough time from 15 until very recently and I am now 27. It’s still rough, but I’ve been worse. I had a braininjury at 14 (almost 15) and have been physically dependent on family and friends ever since. HOWEVER, in my experience EVERYTHING happens for a reason and I have complete faith in that. So, my answer to your question is that I would not tell my teenage self anything, even knowing the “ringer”, so to say, that I’ve been through. Finally, FAITH is like a finish line, you cant see it (during the race), but you KNOW it is there.
#keepgoingeveryone
#youghtimesneverlastbuttoughppldo
#hustle
been compared is awful at best and I think can actually be quite damaging. I recall been a kid and not getting the best grades so I was compared to my friends, after looking at my grades I would be asked
what did friend x get
what did friend y get
etc
There was never a direct response when i stated what any friend got but the expressions and questions were enough. I ended up going into myself, making new friends and not introducing them to my parents, the only way to escape this was to have almost a secret life for a few years.
Also – I started hanging around with really thick people so if I was to be compared to them i would be better, this was definitely not a good move and i totally fell in with the wrong crowd.
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