WIAW- Deep Thoughts? Maybe Not

Top of the mornin’ to yeee! I haven’t had a post ready for the morning in far too long, that greeting is a nice change for me!

Soo yes, I did indeed drop off the face of the errr…blog world for the last several days and for the same reasons and complaints I have been yappin about for the past few months, BUSY BUSY BUSY. There’s really no other reason I don’t blog as often at this point… I mean I have plentyyy to talk about these days for numerous reasons, yet finding the time to sit down and actually get out my stream of thoughts? Well it’s just not there! The limited free time I do have I choose to spend mindlessly surfing the internet, watching TV with my laptop on, going for a walk, cooking and reading books and of course, favorite blogs.

Let’s just say, I am leading one exciting, rockin life right now, try not to be too jealous

My meltdown last week really and truly made me feel better and since then have managed to become a bit more relaxed with what is going on. Again, most of it has to do with school, no need to go into details on this because I am fairly positive you are all sick of me complaining about it. Don’t blame you. I won’t lie though, the last two weeks have been continuously ROUGH… thank goodness spring break is coming up soon (week after next), where I plan to spend 7 full days doing whatever the heck I want. Cannot wait!

Okay now enough rambling. Since it’s Wednesday, I am here to babble on a bit regarding recent eats and all those lovely thoughts that seem inevitable around this necessary action. What I Ate Wednesday is the name of the game today it’s because of Jenn over at Peas and Crayons, that this weekly tradition continues. Thank you as always!

Let’s start out with a change in my usual breakfast! It’s about time.

 Breakfast:

Oats in a Jar, some will describe as disgusting, while others (myself included), call it epically delicious. <– exaggerating to say the least, but this particular combination was delightful. In a nearly-empty jar of Teddy’s PB (my other favorite peanut butter!), was regular rolled oats, sliced medium-ish banana, plain Chobani, soy milk, blueberries several shakes of cinnamon, a dash of vanilla, and some Fiber One thrown in at the end <– my favorite old-lady breakfast cereal.

When I first say Oats in a jar I did think it was the nastiest idea ever… but the peanut butter you get with each bite and then the nice size spoonful at the end from the bottom of the jar? Drool.

As you may or may not read two weeks ago, I wrote a post talking about my “habit” of eating, that being snacking constantly as opposed to eating “normal” sized meals. I opened up about this because I do believe it has to do with the eating disorder…. that side of me attempting to avoid the discomfort, angst, and stress I often feel from eating meals- “what if I am still hungry after?!” “I hate feeling too full, but I can’t stand being hungry either!” and so on, more of these in that post if you care to read. Snacking is a seemingly innocent way for me to eat everything I want to, at anytime I chose to and in small portions… yet I’m pretty sure this only intensifies my focus on food, as I am never properly satisfied.

This is officially my favorite Clif Bar flavor. 100% sure. I have tried the coconut chocolate chip before but somehow I missed it’s glorious taste at the time… a hint of coconut, mixed with fudgey-deliciousness, chewy, oatey… YUM. I realize this description pretty much sucks, but trust me it’s good.

Consumed in the car on my way to class (don’t worry I was not driving at this time!). On Mondays I don’t have class until 2:00, Pharmacology, and I use that day wisely to sleep the heck in… aka I woke up at 10:00 that morning, so needed.

I believe I am correct with those assumptions and understandings as to why I choose to snack rather than eat meals. However, I received many helpful comments that day where people explained their own eating patterns and what worked for them. At the time I was just reading them out of interest of wanting to hear what readers had to say, but then I went back to them a few days later and felt well… enlightened I suppose with a realization of a sort. Can’t say it’s anything major but it does allow my brain to RELAX, even the slightest bit, around all of this eating bullsh*t.

A bit later on (still before class, I arrived early), I ate a mix of sauteed vegetables, quinoa and baked chicken with olive oil and balsamic drizzled on top. A simple, healthy, satisfying mix of ingredients I’m pretty certain I will never tire of. Consumed while getting in some last minute cramming for the pharm exam!

Basically I am over-thinking how I am eating. Can I please hear a collective DUH from anyone that is actually reading this? Wouldn’t blame you if that cry was heard all round’ the world . Seriously though, I am “too good” at over-thinking umm pretty much everything and OF COURSE food is one of them. For this particular situation, I believe I am dwelling too much on HOW I am eating, if it is good enough (or not), if it’s correct in terms of “recovery” and trying to get better (or not), what times I have meals and snacks, the portions… This is SOOOO nothing new, but for where I currently am in my life, my over-thinking, consuming mindset is being a real pain in the patooty and hindering me more than I should allow it to.

After the Pharmacology test and staying for a while after to study for the next exam with some lovely ladies, I felt it was necessary to pop into the Trader Joe’s I so conveniently drive past on the way home. I bought some usual favorites- peanut butter, Wasabi Wow Trail mix, a TJs cereal, and this old standby,

Egg White Salad… they have a great mix of flavors in there and I buy this nearly every time I visit Trader Joe’s. There is a problem though, this sucker costs about $3 and I eat in usually in under 2 minutes. Worth it? Indeed sometimes it is.

I also had a cup of fruit I had packed earlier in the day from home.. surprisingly fresh and tasty considering pretty much all of these fruits are out of season! Gets me even more pumped for summer, let me tell you

How about I get to the dang point of what I am trying to say eh? Anyone that has eating issues of any sort have likely heard someone tell them to “just eat!” a laughable statement for someone deep within an illness, a mindset that is all-consuming. I have also had these words told to me and I looked at the person like they were nuts… telling someone to JUST EAT in order to get better is just plain ignorant and incorrect. However, perhaps not in all circumstances or periods of your life.

A blueberry yogurt mixed with milled flax seed, quietly and (attempting) inconspicuously, at the library in my town. The librarians there are firm with their NAY rule of eating food in the library. My rebellious self decided to take a chance… living on the edge over here!

Right now I am the busiest and most overwhelmed with a combination of school work and LIFE, that I have ever been. Yes I knew these two years were going like this and while I am facing and tackling all that is thrown at me with as much strength as I can, I am struggling… along with many other people in my class. To make things even more difficult though, I have this gosh-darn disordered eating business to worry about as well, something I more readily turn to in times of stress. Even though I am working on escaping from this hell on a daily basis, I continue to over think and dwell on every aspect of it, even the seemingly “good” choices that I have made.

In my mind, I never do anything right… a thought process that has unfortunately been a part of me for some time now. Which of course means I never do things right in any context, again even if I am attempting something that is beneficial for me, aka for this situation, healing from this illness. I harshly address all aspects of my actions and what they have to do with the eating disorder/recovery- exercising (too much, too little, the right kind?!), eating (meals or snacks?! More protein, less fat, less carbs… or more fat, perhaps less protein, increase carbs?!), socializing (how much is enough, how often should I push myself?!)… and so on.

Later on in the night, a most juicy, sweet perfect orange with a hefty handful of cocoa almonds.

Yes, it is a GOOD thing and NECESSARY to start reflecting on your own life and figure out which choices are yours verses the disordered part of your brain. I have done this for the last two-ish years through my blog and have opened up my own eyeballs to what I have allowed my life to become, what led me to my current place, habits/rituals that ought to change, emotions, spiraling thoughts… BUT maybe not all of the time?

Perhaps focusing less on AHH&$* RECOVERY and just LIVING is the thing for me to do right now, a time when I am beyond busy with nursing school… a program that is challenging me to say the very least, greatly testing my abilities to handle very tough issues and situations. I won’t lie to you, I am fragile right now but I do think not focusing on every.single.choice I make in regards to food, exercising, etc, would be helpful at this time, when my mind is consumed by so many more important things. Maybe this is my chance to literally JUST EAT and move on, workout when I can without going into hysterics if I don’t, and focus on other things besides the OMGGGGGG eating disorder.

Regarding this trail mix picked through later Monday night… meant to only have a few almonds, some raisins, a few pieces of chocolate and that would be enough. Hehhhhh will I never learn trail mix is a food that puts me to the test every time I eat it?! This whole thing was gone in under 8 ish minutes. “Oh just one more peanut/yogurt raisin/walnut/chocolate chip, GAH just eat the damn whole thing, I know I both want/need it!” And I did, twas’ glorious.

Now what in the hell does this all have to do with the snacking I mentioned in the beginning?! WELL analyzing my snacking habits is a perfect example of this. Perhaps snacking is OKAY right now because of my schedule, being in and out of classes, my car, my house, the gym, stores, hospitals… constantly. Eating actual meals with what my day looks like simply is not going to work and would lead me to stress out even more, with the constant pressure I put on myself to plan out a “perfect” meal for everyday of the week. I know it could be done and plenty of people do in fact plan what they are going to have each and everyday at each meal, etc.

Ended the day with a banana/walnut/chocolate chip single serve cake… recipe coming at you soon!

That does not and will not work for me, especially right now. The snacking, while it does focus my mind more on food, is much better for my healing brain, for now. During the day now, I really do JUST EAT when I am hungry because I simply don’t have time to dwell on the food I am having, how hungry/full I am feeling, whether it’s an “okay time” to eat something. This is something that could actually be beneficial- a busy schedule allowing me to honestly see how much MORE there is to life than food, my body, how it looks, what others think of it, the emphasis I put on physicality… Not important right now and if I do want to get through school without losing my mind or ya know, failing, just eating is an a-okay thing to do.

If snacking works with my daily routine? Well then I am going to go with that… again for now, it could and will likely change with the next major transition of my life. Monday’s food is meant to show this idea- a tightly packed day where I ate healthy, tasty food that I truly wanted, and in a way that works for my current time and place. Less thought on food is the goal here, continuously working on escaping that consuming, overbearing hell.

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-What are your thoughts on the phrase “just eat” told to someone with eating issues? In my opinion, it is a terrible, negative and not helpful to thing to say in most contexts…. however, the underlying meaning of this ignorant phrase does have a potentially beneficial lesson, one I am trying to adopt.

-To anyone that has recovered/recovering/trying to get away from destructive tendencies, did/do you find that it’s more helpful to focus MORE on your efforts or less and simply try to live? I am going with the latter right now, but I do believe you have to have a strong awareness of yourself in order to achieve stay safe.

-What would be your most favorite/magical trail mix combination? The above is not bad (peanuts, almonds, cashews, yogurt raisins, chocolate chips, M&Ms, goji berries), but if that mix had some sugared and dried pineapple in there? Hoooboy, there would be no stopping me!

-I am fairly certain this question has been asked 4 million or so times in the blog world, but I am going to go ahead and ask anyway, oats in a jar… disgusting or fan-freakin-tastic. You know my standing on this.

-The necessary question I love to ask, what is the best thing you have eaten recently? Baked/cooked/ordered?

Thanks for reading my complaints/rambles/whatever if you made it through the whole thing here During my free time today, I shall be reading as many WIAW posts as possible, I am in serious need of new simple, quick SNACK ideas. Have a lovely Wednesday!

Tagged as: Chobani Greek Yogurt, Clif Bar, Eating Disorder Recovery, Intuitive Eating, Oats in a jar, Restriction, teddys peanut butter, Trader joes egg white salad, Weight Gain Fears