So clever with titles yes? Errrm no.
Ahh noooo it appears that, yes indeed, I did it again.
Britney speaks for me (no need to tell me how original I am being with the above usage of song and gif… I kid ). Though slightly incorrectly as it’s not an oops I am going for here. It is a yep, I dropped off the face of the blog world with no explanation and no check ins at all. Lovely.
***I briefly talk numbers related to weight in this post. Sooo if you are sensitive/easily triggered by such topics, please read with discretion or not at all. Thank you!
Lovely that I made this oh-so-major-big claim to come out from my blogging break, at least for awhile, and show my face around these parts on a weekly basis. Alas though, it seems I have been starting so many of my posts with this kind of blurb and admittedly, the idea of shutting down my blog for good passes through my mind. There are no dramatic reasons for such thoughts, and it comes down to the fact that Amazing Asset no longer elicits the same enthusiasm within myself as it once did.
I’m pinpointing this to where I am in my life right now… no longer a student, working nearly full time, while simultaneously figuring out what the next “big” decision is going to be regarding my future. When I was blogging full time (or the most number of posts per month I maintained), writing and the blog world itself, filled with all of you wonderful and helpful readers and authors, was something I absolutely NEEDED.
My level of “neediness” for this hobby has wavered, though my interest and passion still does linger, which is why I can’t/do not want to, close down the blog. I go through periods of LOVING blogging, for err a few days maybe, and then other times the prospect of it seems daunting. Today we’re going with the former.
You may or may not have noticed, but since my “return” and the few subsequent posts I wrote, there has been little to no talk about the elusive topic of my eating disorder, the subject that started it all.
Following the announcement of the disaster that was nursing school, I opened up on the fact that those pesky ED ways crept back into my life slowly but surely. The reasoning behind this a stereotypical one (regarding eating disorders that is). Despite working my butt in school, I barely managed to stay above the fail line my entire second semester, making me feel like a dummy, stupid head, poo brain, etc. In order to make myself feel okay, though of course having the opposite effect (something I’m aware of!), I ate less and exercised a bit more. A classic... really just a boring tale, and one heard many times before.
So yes, I was both physically and mentally “unhealthy” by the end of the semester… feeling so sorry for myself, the conclusion that I was doomed, and WTF-ever at least I can stay thin and do what I know during this sucktastic time! UGH really?! Really??? This impossibly wrong reasoning is still one that courses through my mind!? In fact it is, and by mid-June of this past summer, I had lost nearly 15 pounds since beginning nursing school.
(Though ya know, secretly “I” liked it. Secretly it provided me solace and comfort… a sense of false security) Though maybe not so secretly.
It would be easy to say that “oh I didn’t realize I was losing weight and eating less and less, it just sort of happened.” But then DELUSIONAL would be the term closely associated to such a statement and in fact, I was very much aware of what I was doing this past year. I was doing everything I swore not to do, the worst offender being weighing myself each day… along with meticulously counting calories, eating the same (safe) foods each day, getting enough exercise to be “okay” (whatever the poo that meant).
However, I will say that I never even got close to the level of restriction I once maintained in the beginning of this huge mess. Not that it makes my new regiment better, but it was different and I found myself eating foods I enjoy, but in smaller quantities. Plus I pulled out my secret stash of tricks and tips to keep hunger at bay and methods of distraction were prevalent. Allow me to say that once again, I had fallen prey to the illness, the very “thing” I worked so hard to beat, the battle I documented to the whole internet.
How could I keep blogging knowing I was keeping this rather major thing a secret? That I was keeping the very thing I claimed to be recovering from, hidden away from the public eye so I could keep falling deeper and deeper?
I could not, hence the choppy blogging schedule I’ve maintained for months and months now. Though it’s the only reason I stopped… others being the amount of time it takes up, how I simply run out of ideas/things to say, and recently, I’ve been doing SO MUCH BETTER. The latter part of this sentence the main message of the words I’m publishing today.
I’ve been trying to figure out a way to further explain what has been going on with me, and of course delve more into the eating disorder madness, something I’ve been avoiding. When I was initially beginning this post, my intentions were to talk about all of this through a What I Ate Wednesday style, but clearly that didn’t work out and I’ve gone on for too long already. I’m thinking next week will be the day I better describe how, once again, I’ve put a good amount of weight back on and yes, dealt with all the mental angst that accompanied it so closely.
Now that I’ve had the chance to fully absorb what happened with school and have just… lived... for many months now, I’m finally getting to a better place. Being social, working hard, and just doing different stuff, have all helped me since making a deceleration in June. An all-too-familiar claim that I would (yep, AGAIN) make the valiant effort to perhaps not fully “recover” (whatever that means), but to stop using the eating disorder as a supportive crutch.
And since then? I’ve kept the promise I made to myself… to give myself a break, to relax, to realize I’m doing my best, to make an effort even when I don’t want to, to put things in perspective, and to live without the ball and chain that I can’t seem to completely shake. Again, the promises are being kept and I don’t see that changing in the foreseeable future.
-For other bloggers out there, have you seriously considered shutting down your blog before? Not just taking a break, but pulling all evidence from the internet?
-Have you made any “promises” to yourself lately? I suppose another word that could be used is goals…. Big or small ones!
-When was the last time you were a true example of being hypocritical? I know that’s an odd question, but in the past year when I was losing weight again, I felt well… like a hypocrite, yet wasn’t ready to get away from that quite yet.
-What fun shenanigans do you have planned for the month of October? Besides Halloween celebrations that is Might I mention here, CANDY CORN…. Have a small, nearly-empty bag hanging by my side as we speak.
Have a nice rest of your Wednesday! Though only about two hours remaining here! Otherwise have a most lovely day tomorrow